opposite sex /
memo from jb
Austin Woman magazine, hear my plea. Please save my daughter from the infidels of ‘reality television.’ By JB Hager, Photo by Rudy Arocha The fine people of Austin Woman magazine, please save us all. I am begging you. Nothing makes you more aware of all the negative influences on a young woman today than trying to raise a young woman. Most of my life, I really didn’t care about how women in pop culture influenced other young women. Now, as a father of a 10-year-old girl, popular girls out there are scaring me to death. Let’s talk about just a few of them. The Kardashians. These are the people I fear the most in this world. When you turn on CNN and people on the other side of the world are holding up signs that read, “Die American Infidels,” they are not talking about you; they are talking about the Kardashians. In a nutshell, the oldest Kardashian sister made a sex tape before it was part of college curriculum. Therefore, everyone in her family, including step relatives, has been given reality shows and millions of dollars for occasional tweets and nip slips. It’s quite an industry. Ryan Seacrest, the ultimate infidel, produces each of their TV shows and is personally marching us all to hell. The message: Grow your derriere as large as possible, score an NBA player and you’ll be set for life. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child. Unfortunately, this is my daughter’s current favorite show. It’s a show about a 5-year-old girl who combines her love of beauty pageants and Mountain Dew. The family goes to live food auctions to buy their weekly groceries, mostly powdered donuts. Mark my words; they will be making a ton of dough by season two. The mother is beyond disgusting and a recurring theme is her accumulating neck crust. The message: It doesn’t matter how many Ding Dongs and Snow Puffs you eat in a day, you can still have three baby daddies if you want.
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The Octomom. The premise: to have as many bad plastic surgeries as possible to try to look like Angelina Jolie and also use fertility science to have eight new babies to go with the six you already have. What single mom, other than possibly Oprah, could ever afford to raise 14 children on her own? Nadia, the Octomom, has a body that has the sort of production that would make even Henry Ford say, “Wow!” The message: Be as reckless as you want having children; there’s always government assistance and when all else fails, porn. Yes, there is a fetish for essentially everything in the world. The Bachelorette. This is a TV show on which seemingly normal women on day one are a train wreck on day two. Many of them have careers and take care of themselves prior to going on the show. Inside of 24 hours of being on this reality show, they all melt down at the sight of a rose or a helicopter. The object of the game is to spend the most time in the hot tub and drown the other contestants. There are many bonus points for eye gouging and rumor spreading. The message: All women are your nemeses and there is only one man who can define you. Unfortunately, he struggles with complete sentences.
It doesn’t matter how many Ding Dongs and Snow Puffs you eat in a day, you can still have three baby daddies if you want.
Again, my plea to Austin Woman magazine is to save us all. Continue to feature intelligent, impressive, worldchanging women. My daughter needs role models and
the women of pop culture are failing us all. Come to think of it, the reality television stars may truly be infidels. I don’t know. Thank goodness her mother is not a Kardashian, bachelor-chasing, toddler-pageant-encouraging mother of 16. Mom is a good role model, but unless I yank the television, Internet, pop magazines and phone away from my daughter, I’m terrified of what the future holds. JB Hager can be heard as part of the JB and Sandy Morning Show on Mix 94.7 Austin weekdays 6 to 10 a.m.