by Selena La Fleur
Q: What does it take to become famous in New Zealand? A: Fuck all, really.
In photo: Christobelle of NZ Next Top Model 2009 cycle fame, currently modelling under Chic Management.
Have you ever looked at a New Zealand “celebrity” and wondered how they ended up on the front cover of a magazine or in the ‘About Town’ section in the paper? Do we even have celebrities in New Zealand, or are we just a microcosm of the bigger celebrity world? With these questions in mind, we can look at some of our famous and most scandalous personalities that have emerged over the years and uncover, if in fact they are famous and how exactly they got to that point. We can even go as far to say that anyone can make it big in this country. You’ve just got to know how.
Enter a reality show
Remember TrueBliss? New Zealand’s answer to the Spice Girls in the 90s. Well, five girls had the right idea on how to go about getting famous. After TrueBliss, Jo Cotton managed to wriggle her way into radio and TV and is now a current DJ on More FM. Megan Cassie scored herself an All Black, Erika Takacs hosted some show and Carly Binding still hasn’t given up and no one’s too sure what’s happened to the annoying blonde one. I can see it all happening again with shows such as New Zealand’s Next Top Model, at least those girls can be guaranteed a spot on Celebrity Treasure Island or Dancing with the Stars to secure a successful comeback in years to come. Vicky-Lee McIntyre (Miss Popularity, 2005) had her 15 minutes of fame when she competed with nine other Kiwi women to win Australian “Outback Jack” Vadim Dale’s heart. She’s now earned enough money to get more boob jobs and to launch her own lingerie company. Which leads me on to another point…
Get a boob job
With events such as Boobs on Bikes and Erotica, it’s hard not to notice a reoccurring trend with New Zealand’s most famous socialites.
Every Sunday I am confronted with gigantic knockers gracing the ‘About Town’ pages of the Sunday Star Times. So the question is, to be noticed in a small country do we need to increase the size of our assets. The short answer is, yes. Let us look at our most scandalous socialite Nicky Watson. (Use picture of her dancing at Pony Club) Now, let us take a look at her career highlights: Eric Watson Matthew Ridge Brendon Cole Ali Williams Shelton Woolright For Nicky, to be famous in New Zealand you need to have sex with someone famous. And not just any old Joe Bloggs, but perhaps the owner of the Warriors, an ex-Warrior and ex-All Black, or even better, a current All Black, an International judge or drummer. Enter a third party, and we have one of biggest stories in New Zealand. Michaiah Simmons, former Miss Erotica entered the equation and dated Nicky Watson and her then boyfriend Logan Miller, the party pill king of New Zealand. “It was just a beautiful, loving relationship that just happened to be between three people. To this day, people think I was in it for the money.” Michaiah, I believe you, I truly do.
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Invent something new
With much controversy surrounding Steve Crow’s brainchild Boobs on Bikes
parade in downtown Auckland, he was actually on to a good thing. As a lead-in to the Erotica Expo, Crow blacklisted New Zealand’s answer to Pamela Anderson, Lisa Lewis. With a lot of media coverage of this story, you can’t help but wonder was it all a publicity stunt to get them both on TV? Lewis is no stranger to appearing on screen. From her adult films, to her appearing on our sporting fields when she streaked in an All Blacks’ game then sold her bikini on Trade Me, and now her recent exposé, singing Happy Birthday to John Key on YouTube will leave you speechless. Speaking of which, if you put something stupid on Trade Me, that’s another way you can get yourself recognition. Radio DJ Jono Pryor with the help of comedian Guy Williams, have proved just how easy it is to invent something and then to appear on television. The duo decided to promote a petition that was FOR commercial whaling and ended up on Paul Henry’s Breakfast show. The ‘prowhaler’ also got a mention again when he invented the bogus ‘Invisibility Cloak’ and put it up for auction on Trade Me. I mean really, how thick can we get? To be fair, I love our poke-fun-at-ourselves attitudes that us Kiwis have but I still have a problem with so called “celebrities” waltzing into our lives and demanding to be treated differently. One celeb, let’s call him Stuart, came into the shop I work at to buy a wallet. Not an expensive wallet, might I add. Whilst proceeding to the counter he striked up a conversation with me. Stuart: “Your St Lukes store treats me very well when I go in there.” Me: “That’s nice. That’ll be $65 thanks.” Stuart: “Oh, is that the price? Is there anything you can do? *a cheeky smile appears across Stuart’s face* Me: “Nope, sorry no discounts allowed for these ones, is that cash or Eftpos?” People like Stuart appear on television once in a full moon and then spend most of their time hanging out on Ponsonby Road mixing and mingling with other drop-kick celebs like Oliver Driver. I once saw Savage and Van from Outrageous Fortune eating pies on the side on the pavement on K’Rd and thought to myself, nah these guys are no different to you and me, anyone could easily get to where they are living in New Zealand.* *Disclaimer: I do realise a lot of famous people have emerged from New Zealand. But that just would have been another typical article celebrating our finest achievers. Boring. It’s better to poke fun at ourselves, more fun that way.