My Life...
My “Intentional” God nancy williams
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I remember the many years of silence. I rememomeone once told me that “God ber the depth of the despair I felt. I thought back to a is far more intentional about our time at the age of 19 when I wanted to end my life. wholeness than we are”! I decided a It was then that I felt the intentional presence of God
long time ago I was “messed up” and would always be “broken.” I used to say that I was as “whole” as I could be this side of heaven. It was 1991 and I found myself in my early 30s, married for ten years and with two children. Every day my life felt like such a struggle for me, like running in deep sand. Each day I struggled with anxiety, guilt and lack of forgiveness. My marriage was a struggle because of the “walls” I had built. My sweet husband, Steve, bestowed love on me that I could not receive because I could not love myself. How could He love me? Intimacy and innocence had been damaged as a result of childhood sexual abuse. This had left me full of shame and guilt. My subsequent wrong choices as a “messed up” young woman only added to my brokenness. This was not the sort of thing you could ever talk about, especially for a young Christian woman in the CHURCH! I knew I needed help, but I did not know where to turn. I was a Christian. I was active in a large downtown church. I was involved in the music ministry, but the last place I wanted to seek help was from my church. Besides, it took too much time and effort to work on “wholeness.”
22 ASBURY TIDINGS
beginning to work in my life. Specific events actually prevented a suicide attempt. And a hospitalization began a new direction in my life and the beginning of a healing process that continues today. Back to the ten year marriage mark. I had a friend and neighbor who confided in me one day about some marriage problems she was having. I felt like she was telling MY story. She was looking to me for help, and I had nothing to offer! I cried out to God for help and healing. I wanted the past to be removed from my present life. A few days later I was out for a drive when a song came on the radio. It was a favorite artist of mine, Amy Grant. The lyrics of the song literally made me stop the car to listen...and to cry. Ask her how she knows there’s a God up in the heavens. Where did He go in the middle of her shame? Ask her how she knows there`s a God up in the heavens She said His mercy is bringing her life again. “Ask Me,” by Amy Grant So…once again I felt the intentional presence of God pushing me out of my apathy and into action. If I did not get help, how could I help my friend? How