The Master Chef
and the Case of the Missing Pasta By Wayne Chan
I am a master chef. That’s the only conclusion I can come to after what happened yesterday, which I’ll get to. It doesn’t matter that I’ve never been a chef in a renowned restaurant, or any restaurant for that matter. It doesn’t matter that instead of taking the time to precisely measure ingredients for a given recipe, I tend to eyeball it and just think, “That’s a good amount of that.” It doesn’t even matter that I’ve come to the conclusion that substituting bacon for any ingredient seems to make the recipe better, regardless of what that missing ingredient is. No parmesan cheese for my vegetarian pasta dish? I’ll just sprinkle a little bacon on top… No, the reason I know that I am a master chef is because over the last week, someone has literally stolen food I’ve made, three times! And if someone is going to steal food, then I really must be doing something right. Let me count the ways. Theft #1: The case of the missing buns A few days ago, it was up to me to get our three kids out of bed and ready for school. After waking the kids, the next thing I do is look in the freezer and find that we have a bag of pork and vegetable buns that simply need to be steamed or microwaved to be served. My daughter Savannah is the first to come out, and sits at her place at the table, looking very cute in
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July 2018 | Comedy Column
an oversized sweatshirt and white pants. I put a steamed bun on three separate plates, and place one in front of Savannah, and the other two at the table to be ready when the boys come out. I then go back into the kitchen to wash the steaming pot I used. A few minutes later, I go back to the dining table and notice that Savannah is nearly done with her bun, but the buns on the other two plates are gone, even though the boys have yet to emerge from their bedrooms. “What the heck happened to the other two buns?”, I asked. My little girl stared back blankly, mouth still stuffed with her bun. I go back to the boy’s room, and see that they’re still busy putting on their clothes. As I finished steaming two more buns, I look over to the side and see Ally, our golden retriever, wagging her tail, suspiciously licking her lips as I go over to place the buns on the table as she no doubt views as “round number two”. Theft #2: The case of the disappearing pasta Yesterday, my wife Maya had a video conference at 5 pm so it was up to me to make dinner for the kids. I made chicken and pasta, and as before, I served it on three plates. My son Ethan was in his room and I hadn’t called him out for dinner. I think he was taking a nap. Our other son Tyler and Savannah were seated at the table with Ethan’s plate of food in between them. As I did before, I went back to the kitchen to clean up, and when I went back, I saw that Tyler and Savannah were nearly done, but Ethan’s food