Ladies and gentlemen, after many years of dedicated research Professer Von der Clinkenhoffen has finally released his findings and conclusions. Obviously his findings will influence many future generations of illustrious company managers and the like, and would not ordinarily be released to the likes of us for several years, but luckily I tapped his headquarters and am able to release his findings directly to you before anyone else. Professor Von clinkenhoffen made several seminal studies into the usefullness of using Voodoo in business situations. He discovered that the meetings were wrapped up far more quickly when Voodoo was used as a decision-making tool than similar meetings held with absolutely no aid from Voodoo whatsoever. Example one: the Betterware product design meeting. Meetings to design the next range of betterware had been held since 1976, yet the only product to be released as a result of these meetings was a small plastic spoon, which was subsequentally recalled due to melting issues. The cost of these meetings was estimated to be roughly $35 million dollars, comprising 5,500,000 sandwiches, 375,000 flasks of tea, 125,000,000 biscuits and 10,000,000 paper doilies. This created major issues,
especially as all was packaged in betterwares main rival's packaging, making the other company infinitely profitable and betterware close to collapse. Von der Clinkenhoffen was called in to solve this issue on January 19th 2002. After 15 mins of deliberations about the agenda, he was seen to spring into action, wringing the neck of a small chicken, tearing it into shreds, and hurling shreds of it into the faces of startled betterware executives. A viscous mass remained, which Von der Clinkonhoffen demonstrated would not fit into any of the betterware containers. A new range was born. From that moment on they adopted von der Clinkenhoffens' methods, not batting an eyelid when he progressed through the animal chain from pig to goat to small orangutang, which led to a range of different-sized betterware culminating in the "carry-a-child" range ideal for storing those troublesome tykes in an ergonomically efficient way. It was however von der Clinkenhoffens motivational techniques which were awarded the most praise, and which are probably most relevant to us today. Nine times out of ten he found that the process of gripping a live chicken in his mouth, biting it savagely
By Mike Hirst