from the editors: How am I Spending my Now? by Mary Schaefer Editor-in-Chief, Vajra Bell
“. . .one’s experience is profoundly colored by the mind with which one sees it. To change this mind is A few years ago, I to change one’s experience of the had at least two people world…We can always choose to act in say to me in the span new and creative ways.” of a few days that they I experienced the power of this noticed I often started a conversation freedom with a recent incident at by talking about how busy I was. work. I prepared and facilitated an When I thought about it, I realized intense presentation to the board I did do that, prompting people to about what was needed to take say something like, “My, you’re busy!” the organization forward. It was a Then I would want to protest: “I’m not productive, challenging meeting late really busy. How can I be busy when one night. The next morning I had to I’m not getting done what I want to be back at work at 8 a.m. to interview get done?” a couple of board members. I was As an exercise, I stopped using exhausted going into the meetings, the B word and watched to see what and each of them was an intense would happen if I – instead of talking two-hour discussion about the about how busy I was – talked about organization’s challenges. Afterward, I what was important to me now. I was physically and emotionally spent. found that instead of being stressed I just wanted to curl up in a ball and by my busyness, I started to notice cry. I felt inadequate. I had so much and appreciate what I was doing and to do, I thought, and not an ounce became more mindful in choosing of energy or one clear thought to go how I spent my now. forward. This is just one example of how Thanks to my meditation and when I change how I think – and talk mindfulness practice, I was able to – about my life I can act in new and watch my mind and body and pay creative ways. We just wrapped up a attention. I appreciated that I needed mitra study on the book, This Being, rest and was not able to think very That Becomes, The Buddha’s Teaching clearly – best not to think in those on Conditionality by Dhivan. I only read conditions! I also noticed several a few pages or even just a passage background stories running at the a day so I could absorb and practice same time: I can’t do this! What what this means for how I can be makes me think I can do this? Things in my life. One passage particularly wouldn’t be in this state if I were spoke to me: only better organized, smarter, more
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experienced. All of these people would be acting differently if I had just said and done the right thing at the right time. They must think I’ve screwed things up. “Yikes, is this going on all the time?” I wondered. As I gain greater awareness, I come to see the subtle stories that run relentlessly due to years of conditioning. As I uncover one, I discover another. It’s like the ringing in my ears of multiple tones at different pitches that come and go in their intensity depending upon how tired, busy or quiet I am. This is just my mind, I told myself. I don’t have to believe any of this. All of this is running overtime, because I’m physically and emotionally exhausted. I kept thinking, I just have to be here now. I don’t have to do anything about any of this. I just have to sit still, relax and pay attention. I don’t have to get caught up emotionally in what I know will change and isn’t real anyway. What could have turned into a tailspin of hours, days and, in the past, even weeks, faded away and made way for the realization: I am perfectly capable of handling this if I just focus on how I’m doing here and now. I could see – in a clearer way – how I am always trying to figure things out, planning and preparing to make sure the future works out so I can be here now. Instead, I can let the future take care of itself and focus on being here now.
I am always trying to figure things out, planning and preparing to make sure the future works out so I can be here now.
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