noise complaint, what does sound mean to each participant? Well, the downstairs neighbor may want quiet enjoyment of their apartment while the upstairs neighbor may want the freedom to express themselves, perhaps by playing music. Then, once issues are addressed at this level (quiet vs. freedom, in our example), the participants are encouraged to brainstorm solutions to their deeply held concerns. In our noise complaint, perhaps the time of day the music is played can be adjusted, or the location in the apartment where it is played can be changed, or a carpet can be put down. Or the sound may not be the real issue at all, with something personal coming between the neighbors — and this too may be uncovered and addressed. These techniques create openness and empathy between the participants so that they may listen past their positions to what lies below — to their values, needs and interests. This is where resolution of the conflict will take place, with participants crafting their own viable resolution by mutually fashioning win-win responses to participant needs. Finally, to create security between the participants, a mediated agreement may be written that memorializes the resolution and serves as proof. The mediation process is typically initiated in either of two ways. In private mediation, those in conflict may agree on their own to retain a neutral mediation firm to facilitate the voluntary process. In presumptive mediation, a court may mandate that the parties in dispute first try to resolve the issue through mediation before a trial may proceed, though they are free to withdraw at any point and return to the litigation process. Participants, if they are represented, may choose to have their attorneys attend the mediation with them or not.
Mediating Everyday Disputes Having undertaken hundreds of mediations, we have compiled nine takeaways that dentists can use in their professional and personal lives for everyday disputes: 1. See conflict not as a bitter fight between adversaries, but as an opportunity to creatively work through often-difficult issues in order to reach workable solutions and find mutual understanding. 2. Breathe. Don’t get caught up in reactivity to another’s words and demeanor. Be mindful of your feelings, your biases, how your shoulders tighten, etc. Noticing your mental and physical reactivity, you are already beginning to distance yourself from them so that you can listen and respond with greater clarity. Your calm spaciousness sets the table for all. It is hard for others to maintain anger and defensiveness when none comes back at them. 3. Listen to what others have to say. Please take care. There are different kinds of listening. Don’t just listen to win the argument; instead, listen empathetically, trying to understand where the other person is coming from and how they ended up where they are. Also listen below the speakers’ positions to the values, interests and needs that matter to them — that is where mutual understanding lies.
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4. Use restating, reframing and summarizing techniques that acknowledge the person you are speaking with so that they will relax and listen. Use the same techniques described above that the professionals use. Scientific studies indicate that anger can dissipate after only 90 seconds, so employing these “slowing down” techniques calms down the person you are speaking with and may make them less defensive. 5. Frame consideration of the problem in terms of underlying interests/needs/values. Goals may differ, but often the values underlying the problem (e.g., quiet vs. freedom) are values both sides can understand as worthwhile. 6. In discussions, avoid attack and accusation, and use “I” phrases (e.g., “I feel”) instead of “you” phrases (e.g., “you did”). Blaming causes people to shut down and put up walls in defensiveness. Try to move matters forward in deeds and words. 7. Place the conflict within the context of your venture’s purpose. Let the other person know the best of your intentions and what you do as a professional and who you are as a person. 8. Brainstorm. This involves carefully listening to both the facts and the values inherent in the situation in order to work together to generate creative, win-win solutions. 9. Remember relationship. Where there is a positive shared history, place the dispute within its larger context. Where there is no strong relationship, envision how you wish it to be going forward. These simple mediation and meditation techniques can help turn what would otherwise be painful and unproductive conflicts into opportunities to meet the needs of all those involved in positive and skillful ways. And where conflict is complex or entrenched, please consider mediation as a beneficial alternative to more adversarial dispute resolution processes. In conflict, you can only make yourself and those around you fulfilled and at ease by doing so together. But the people around you need your help. Why not take the lead and become a healer of conflict? ♦ Shahram “Sean” Shekib, JD, DDS, FAGD, FICD, FAADS, FPFA, FACD, is the immediate past president of the New York State AGD and has also received his Juris Doctor from Mitchell Hamline School of Law. Serving as a member of the peer review committee of the Second District Dental Society, Shekib helped to resolve disputes between healthcare providers and patients and, in the course of obtaining his legal degree, has become a certified mediator. Martin Applebaum, MA, JD, graduated from Georgetown Law Center. Looking to get to the heart of the matter of conflict, he took up the practice of mediation and has since mediated over 300 cases in areas involving family issues, contract and business disputes, and other matters. Applebaum frequently presents seminars on mediation and mediation techniques. To comment on this article, email impact@agd.org.