Building A Bonus Family

Learning to cohabitate with stepparents, stepsiblings and stepchildren can be messy, but there is a path to domestic harmony

BY MELISSA TUCKER | PHOTOGRAPHY BY LUCY BAEHR

If it seems like everyone you know is part of a blended family these days, maybe it’s because less than half of families are living in a traditional nuclear household, according to a Pew Research Center article from 2015.

“The declining share of children living in what is often deemed a ‘traditional’ family has been largely supplanted by the rising shares of children living with single or cohabiting parents.” Furthermore, when divorced couples remarry, “many, but not all, remarriages involve blended families,” the article said.

About half of remarriages have stepchildren who live with the new couple, according to data from the National Center for Health Statistics.

Beth and Josh Graham are one of these families, and they can attest to the daily struggles of making a blended family work. Even dating each other wasn’t easy because they initially had custody of their kids — an 8-year-old and a 12-year-old — on separate weekends.

“Our dating process was hard to navigate because one of us had a child each weekend, and that took a lot of work and a lot of communication to figure out a way to make it work to where we had our kids on the same weekend,” Josh said. “I’m working through my ex-wife and she’s working through her ex-husband and that affects the other kids.”

Beth and Josh married in 2017 and have mostly worked out the kinks. But it’s still not easy. These days, with their exes’ families, they have to coordinate vacations, doctor appointments, school events, and don’t even get them started on holidays.

BETH AND JOSH INCLUDED THEIR CHILDREN IN THEIR WEDDING ON JUNE 17, 2017

“On Christmas Day, my son was with us that morning, then we had Beth’s family, and then we went to my family,” Josh said. “[Stepdaughter] Kate started with her dad that morning, then we got her when we went to see my family. We had both kids at one point, then we dropped my son off,” he said. “On Christmas Day alone we’re doing several different events and coordinating several families at once.” Beth says communication is the key to making it all work. “It’s the one thing that will make or break the relationship with the new family,” she said. “There’s going to be hardship having to deal with your ex, but you don’t want to bring that hardship into the new relationship and trying to be a new family while still dealing with the ex and trying to make that work.”

When Josh was 13, he gained a stepparent, so he can empathize with his son and also with his own parents.

“I was an only child, but my mom got married when I was 13. I have a stepbrother and a stepsister,” he said. “I was not happy about it, so I understand a lot of stuff my son is going through because I’ve been through it myself.” Beth says she struggled early on learning to be a stepmom. “It’s hard in the beginning being a parent to a kid that’s not yours who is used to a different parenting style,” she said. “So you’re also trying to figure out how to be a parent to them without them resenting you and being the evil stepparent.”

Many parents and families turn to counseling when working out these issues with divorce and remarriage. Elizabeth Knight, a Licensed Professional Counselor for the state of Arkansas and a school-based therapist with Methodist Family Health, says the most common issues she sees in families are hurt, anxiety and confusion.

It’s hard in the beginning being a parent to a kid that’s not yours who is used to a different parenting style

Counseling helps because when expressing their thoughts with parents “kids might fear they will get in trouble or hurt someone’s feelings,” she said.

Many times children will feel like their parents’ divorce is their fault and blame themselves or question what role they played in the situation,” she said. “And there’s insecurities, fears and confusion about how to make a new family work.” They will often internalize the situation, she said. “From what I’ve seen, kids usually have their own sense of guilt and fears, and usually it’s something very simple,” she said. “‘I didn’t do a good job on my test and that’s why they got a divorce.’ It’s often something precious to their heart and something they considered very important to them at the time.”

Knight encourages families to be proactive in coming up with plans to help their children cope with changes at home. She emphasizes plans to provide structure, communication and conflict resolution.

“It’s best to have a plan in place for when things do get difficult,” she said. “When kids have a hard day, you already know how you’re going to handle that as a parent so you’re not causing stress when things are already overwhelming.”

Structure means consistency and routine so the kids know what to expect and rules that are realistic and positive, she said. Communication should be healthy and positive, and whenever possible, each child should get one-on-one time with each member of the family to build relationships.

Structure means consistency and routine so the kids know what to expect and rules that are realistic and positive, she said. Communication should be healthy and positive, and whenever possible, each child should get one-on-one time with each member of the family to build relationships.

“Many times you are trying to build trust with the new family members but also to keep amazing quality time with your original family so your relationships stay strong and the kids feel seen and heard,” she said.

When it comes to conflict resolution, there are no hard and fast rules, but everyone should know what to expect.

“There are going to be fights, so take that as a learning opportunity for what went well and what didn’t,” she said. “Set some fighting rules, like we’re not going to leave the house, or go into a separate room. Rules for how to handle the conflict the most effectively.”

This does not include conflict between the ex-spouses, however, and Knight said those conversations should be held away from the children in a neutral place.

Many times parents need their own counseling sessions to be ready for these challenges.

“Parents may need to receive their own treatment so they can be the most effective parent, and so they can focus on the children instead of their own hurts,” she said. “They should make sure their own emotional and mental health is in a good place and have a good support system for themselves and their family.”