D8
MARRIAGE
nzherald.co.nz | The New Zealand Herald | Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Challenges of multiple marriages married my second husband nearly 20 years ago on a fine spring day in Cornwall Park. It was second time around for him too. His teenage daughters were bridesmaids, his son, at 14, a reluctant groomsman and my young daughter an overexcited flower girl. The only child in our newly blended family not included in the bridal party was our baby son, until he woke up in his pram and screamed. My husband held him and he contentedly picked rose petals from his father’s buttonhole as we spoke confidently about joining our two families to become one. It was a happy day full of optimism, but it hasn’t been all sunshine and roses. Anyone who marries for a second or third time is exceptionally lucky if everything goes smoothly, especially where there are children from previous marriages, ex-spouses, shared custody and issues of inheritance in the mix. There are the times when the 4-year-old has screaming tantrums of exhaustion because she’s stayed up late at her dad’s all weekend. The Christmas morning with presents piled high, the little ones bursting with excitement about the big kids arriving and then the phone call comes from the ex-wife: It’s all off, the older kids are to spend the day with their grandparents instead. With these kinds of issues and many others to deal with, it’s not surprising that more second marriages end in divorce than first marriages, and third marriages are on even shakier ground. While Statistics NZ’s divorce stats don’t contain information on how many times a New Zealander has been married, it is reported that in the USA, 50 per cent of first marriages, 67 per cent of second, and 73 per cent of third marriages end in divorce. In his book Breakup, Israel Leo Averbach says theories abound for the explanation of this progressive increase in divorce rates. “It may be that people enter subsequent marriages on the rebound, or they may repeat their marital mistakes, or they may consider divorce manageable and not necessarily a tragedy — they have handled it once so they can handle it again.” However, Averbach believes the prime factor affecting the breakup of second and third marriages is that there is less glue holding the marriage together. “Because the great majority of children born to married couples are born during their first marriage, most couples in a second marriage do not have common children to bind them together. Not having shared responsibility for kids means it’s easier to leave when you are going through a rough patch. The desire to ‘preserve the family’ is not a strong presence.” Averbach notes also that the pres-
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Raewyn Court
Anyone who marries for a second or third time is exceptionally lucky if everything goes smoothly.
ence of children in second and third marriages, if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. “Having to adjust to your spouse’s children and his or her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases, the children can be a destabilising factor in a second or third marriage.” Help with family conflict is at hand in the form of family counselling and mediation, but there are often waiting lists, which can be frustrating when help is needed immediately. Sometimes it’s just a case of slogging it out through the rough patches, making the most of the good times, and trying to stay strong as a team. Our kids always referred to their halfand step-siblings as “my sister” and
“my brother”, and we tried to get all of them together for family outings whenever possible. It was heartwarming to see the older ones take care of the younger two, scooping them up for a cuddle after a fall and holding them close on the “scary” log flume ride at Rainbow’s End. A factor that can be a source of conflict in second and third marriages is the issue of inheritance. A blended family can consist of siblings, half-siblings and stepsiblings, leaving parents to figure out how best to divvy up their estate when the time comes. It’s not always as easy as just writing your will and specifying who gets what. In a blended family, estateplanning challenges can include the potential for children to be disinherited, delays in the children’s
Options for asset protection and division ● “Contracting out” agreements. You come to an agreement with your partner which overrides the PRA. ● Setting up trusts in your will or before you die. If established receipt of inheritance until after the death of their parent’s spouse, the need to protect assets from former spouses and disputes over division of authority or responsibility. A common way of structuring affairs is for each of you to leave everything to your partner or spouse, knowing that they will provide for your children as well as their own in their will. These are often known as “mirror wills”. Unfortunately, this structure doesn’t always satisfy all the children involved, and you also run the risk of your partner or spouse changing their will at a later date after you have died.
Are you property prepared?
correctly, trusts can be effective in defeating claims through the FPA and the PRA. ● Life interest wills. Leaving your spouse an interest in your property during their lifetime, with that interest expiring on their death and the property being distributed to your children. ● A lawyer specialising in inheritance planning will find a solution that works for your family. Something to be wary of is that there are several statutes that give family members, and/or your new partner’s family, a right to contest your will. The two main ones are the Family Protection Act 1955 (FPA) and the Property (Relationships) Act 1976 (PRA). This Christmas, there won’t be disappointed faces at our place. There’ll be the kids and now some grandkids too, shrieking with delight as they bombard each other with water balloons. The London-based daughter will be Skyping in, and my husband and I will be raising a quiet glass in celebration of 20 years of holding it all together.
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