ISSUE 63, 2017
>> Stigma: Raising our Voices >> Breakdown to Brilliant >> An Unstoppable Force >> My Experience of OCD >> Wellbeing News >> Art, Science & more
MAGAZINE FOR WELLBEING
Equilibrium Patron Dr Liz Miller Mind Champion 2008
What Equilibrium means to me‌. WEB ALERTS If you know anyone who would like to be on our mailing list and get the magazine four times a year (no spam!) please email: equilibriumteam@hotmail. co.uk (www.haringey.gov.uk/ equilibrium). Equilibrium is devised, created, and produced entirely by team members with experience of the mental health system. Photo copyright remains with all individual artists and Equilibrium. All rights reserved. 2011
Graphic Design: Anthony J. Parke
I enjoyed writing a short article for the mental health magazine Equilibrium based on my personal experience of having a mental illness for the last 20 years. The office environment and people were all friendly and gave support on tap, especially when you got stuck for ideas or needed technical help using the computer. The other contributors present all shared a mental health history, so gelled well together and we were made to feel very welcome. Norman I found Equilibrium at a crucial point, where I found an open door to try a new healing form of writing and expression. Honest, happy, healthy. One thing I have to say, I go at my own pace and learn little lessons on computers, in art and writing, communicating, and ultimately a chance to get some self-confidence and self-esteem back after being belittled and degraded and abused. I found the open light of Equilibrium at the end of a dark tunnel of life. Equilibrium gives me a purpose. Thank you. Blessings. Richard The magazine means a lot to me for the reason is that it allows me to write about various aspects of mental health and wellbeing. This is one of the only places where you can talk about this sticky matter and issues surrounding wellbeing. Working here also allows me to meet like-minded people, who are passionate about talking about their experiences of their conditions. Seeing these issues being published spreads information on mental health, and other topics, even further. Devzilla Equilibrium has been a fantastic form of expression for me. I have the choice to write about what I want and I can put my ideas into practice. I have been with Equilibrium since 2007 and I never run out of ideas of things to write about. I have enjoying writing articles, and reviews about plays, books and galleries. The Equilibrium team has changed from time to time, but we still manage to produce four copies of the magazine a year. Angela
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EDITORIAL Hello and happy November! As always, we have an eclectic array of contributions, several of which tell very heart-warming and inspiring stories. From the life-affirming attributes of love to the portrayal of devotion in fine art, all of these wonderful pieces reach out to those that may need something to brighten up their day. Thank you to everyone that contributed and thank you to everyone who has taken an interest in how we feel and what we have to say. Namaste. Emily, Editor/Team Facilitator
DISCLAIMER Equilibrium is produced by service users. Reproduction in whole or in part is strictly forbidden without the prior permission of the Equilibrium team. Products, articles and services advertised in this publication do not necessarily carry the endorsement of Equilibrium or any of our partners. Equilibrium is published and circulated electronically four times a year to a database of subscribers; if you do not wish to receive Equilibrium or have received it by mistake, please email unsubscribe to equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk
THE TEAM Facilitator/Editor: Emily Sherris Editorial team: Dev, Angela, Nigel, Richard, Richard.
CONTACT US Equilibrium, Clarendon Recovery College, Clarendon Road, London, N8 ODJ. 02084894860, equilibriumteam@hotmail.co.uk. All contributions should be sent to our email address.
CONTRIBUTIONS Wanted: contributions to Equilibrium! Please email us with your news, views, poems, photos, plus articles. Anonymity guaranteed if required.
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Summer/ Issue 38
Wellbeing News The Heads Together Campaign
turn to and many of the Heads Together partners run confidential helplines and
Prince Harry and Prince William have
online services.’
recently spoken out about their own
To read more about this campaign and how you can get involved, please go to: Heads Together
struggles with mental health issues in the immediate aftermath of the death of their mother, Princess Diana. As a result, they have now begun a new campaign called Heads Together to help raise awareness about mental ill health, with a particular emphasis on being able to feel comfortable enough to speak up about these issues and get the help required. The Heads Together campaign is jointly coordinated by The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry, with the aim to end stigma around mental health in the UK. Heads Together says: ‘We all struggle with our mental health at times, and we can all need help - whether over the loss
Children’s Mental Health Project A new project has been developed in Wales to help both children suffering with mental health issues and the teachers that are responsible for them. Over two hundred schools will benefit from the involvement of in-house mental health
of a job, relationship breakdown, disap-
professionals from the child and adoles-
pointing exam results, depression or anxi-
cent mental health services (CAMHS).
ety. Friends and family can be a great first
These representatives will aim to equip
response, but sometimes they don’t know
teachers with the resources they may
how to help, or we feel alone. The good
require to support the psychological
news is that there is always someone to
needs of their students.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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Summer/ Issue 38
Raising our Voices Stigma and Bipolar Disorder Eleanor Segall
I
am very excited to be
unable to do activities previously enjoyed
writing my first article
or, in bad cases, suicidal and unable to
for Equilibrium. In this arti-
cope with life. When in a manic state, one
cle I will discuss stigma
may be in a heightened hyperactive state,
and life with bipolar.
talking fast/not making sense and unable
I have lived with
to sit still. A person may act in ways that
bipolar disorder for thirteen years, having
they would not usually behave in when in
been diagnosed at just sixteen years old.
a typical state. This can then spill over into
The illness runs in my family, but it was still a
psychosis, with delusions and a loss of touch
shock when I found myself unwell in hospital
with reality, which can eventually lead to
as a teenager. Bipolar disorder is a mood
hospitalisation in severe cases.
disorder, which means moods can oscillate
There is currently no cure for the disorder;
between depressive lows and manic highs
however, mood stabilising medications such
that can be treated with medication and
as lithium, prescribed by a psychiatrist, and
therapies. When depressed, one might find
courses of therapy can very much help. It is
oneself feeling extremely negative and
believed that bipolar may be caused by a
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chemical imbalance in the brain, but there
they are being drama queens, silenced,
is still so much we do not know. It is for this
as if their problems are trivial. There is noth-
reason that stigma toward the disorder and
ing trivial about serious mental illness or
other mental health conditions pervades
how the brain can trick you into feeling.
across the world.
There is nothing trivial about feeling so
So, what is stigma? Stigma can be
unwell you can’t get out of bed, wash, live.
defined by the Oxford Dictionary as a ‘mark
There is nothing trivial about experiencing
of disgrace associated with a circum-
suicidal tendencies and not having support,
stance, quality or person’. In terms of
because support networks are the one
mental illness, people fear what they have
thing that keep bipolar sufferers, and those
not experienced, do not know and do not
with other conditions, going. Without my
understand. It is the fear and ignorance
support network, I know I would find things
that then perpetuates myths about those
so much harder.
who struggle with their mental health. Due to the sometimes unpredictable
So, how do we tackle this stigma? In one word: talking. Telling people about our
nature of mental illness, in our case, bipolar
experiences. Sharing the world of people
disorder, fear and stigma are most defi-
who have mental health issues with wider
nitely generated. When people haven’t
society by explaining to non-sufferers what
been through the suicidal, heart-wrenching
it’s like to live with a mental health condi-
lows, and the sometimes equally terrible
tion. Talking about our symptoms but show-
highs, they will comment that the person is
ing how we can reach recovery or what
‘attention-seeking’ and just doing it to get a
recovery means to us. It is so important to
reaction from other people. We have seen
show wider society the world inhabited by
this recently when depressed celebrities, for
people with mental health conditions, as
example, singer Sinéad O’Connor (who has
everyone is different. It’s vital to explain the
bipolar), open up to the world about their
unexplainable.
demons. They get criticised, shot down, told
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I began speaking about my experi-
Summer/ Issue 38
ences online via my WordPress blog ‘Be Ur
more charities and even started writing for
Own Light’ (www.beurownlight.com) about
the Huffington Post Lifestyle blog and other
a year and a half ago. The blog began as
websites/magazines under my real name.
a diary, as I was navigating life with a diffi-
A month or two ago, I decided to write
cult anxiety disorder which made it difficult
all my mental health blogs under my real
for me to hold down a job long-term. I still
name. There is still so much work for us all
live with this anxiety and am learning how
to do to bring down the stigma, but it starts
to manage it. When I first began writing, I
from raising our voices. We deserve to be
did it secretly, only showing it to close family
heard, and we need to talk in order to make
members and writing under pseudonyms. I
mental health issues ‘normal’ in society and
was effectively testing the waters to see the
to fight for better treatment. One in four
reaction. I was frightened I would get nega-
people suffer, although I would argue the
tive feedback.
figure is more like one in two. Together, we
I began writing for charities such as Rethink Mental Illness, Time to Change and
can battle, speak out and, one day, beat the stigma.
Bipolar UK, under pseudonyms because I didn’t yet feel able to associate my name with the illness. I was scared, and I suppose I was experiencing some self-stigma. In thirteen years I had never written about my
Eleanor Segall is a mental health writer and advocate,
illness or mental health online, though I had
who has written for many charities and magazines. She
explained it to close friends. I remember
currently works for mental health and learning disabil-
the day when my first article for Rethink was
ity charity The Judith Trust. Her blog ‘Be Ur Own Light’
published –‘Being Jewish and Bipolar’- and
(www.beurownlight.com) is read globally and tackles
getting hundreds of likes, shares and posi-
her life with mental health issues and those of guest
tive comments. This built my confidence,
bloggers. Eleanor can be found on Twitter and Insta-
and, over the course of a year, I wrote for
gram @EleanorSegall.
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From Breakdown to Brilliant! My Story Marie O’Brien Owen was diagnosed with arthritis in his hips and had to undergo surgery for replacement. He was a self-employed plasterer and we had no savings. With him being off work for three months, it was a struggle trying to keep up the mortgage repayments and other loans. I was expecting our fourth child at the time. Owen’s health deteriorated. The house got repossessed, and we declared
H
ourselves bankrupt. All this added to my ave you ever realised how hard it is
anxiety and stress, and I couldn’t cope
to come back up once you’ve gone
anymore. The doctor asked me if I was
down, especially when you don’t under-
depressed. Depressed? I was shocked,
stand or recognise how far down you
completely in denial of my mental state.
have slid? Well, it happened to me. This
Looking back, I suffered from anxiety
is my story of how I went down and then
as a child and depression as an adult for
managed to get back up again…
many years. I just hadn’t realised.
Some ten years ago, my husband,
One morning, I woke up and couldn’t
Owen, and our three children decided to
breathe. I was taken to hospital. No one
relocate to Berkshire: our dream home.
could tell me what was wrong until a nurse
Unfortunately, things started going horri-
said, “I know what’s wrong with you. You’re
bly wrong, firstly with our finances, then with
having panic attacks.” It was a ‘light bulb’
family issues, my husband’s health and, to
moment!
top it all, my mental health.
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Filled with fear, I discharged myself, but
Summer/ Issue 38
the doctor had to be called out again. I
I had regular Pranic Healing sessions and
finally checked myself into The Cardinal
attended the weekly meditation groups
Clinic in Windsor. I remember thinking how
available within the Pranic Healing system.
hideous it was. I wanted to get better for
The meditation is called ‘Meditation on
my family. I spent the following two years
Twin Hearts’ and is very effective at flush-
with a psychiatrist and psychologist and
ing out stress and anxiety from the body.
was on antidepressants.
During the sessions I was also taught a
Slowly, life started to become normal
breathing technique to manage stress
again. Owen set up a new business, and
relief. I now continue to practise medita-
we moved into a rented home. However,
tion and the breathing technique on a
I continued to suffer blinding headaches
regular basis, as I find it clears my mind of
and was in bed most weekends. The
any unwanted emotions and allows me to
specialist treatment was not working.
be much more productive.
Another tragedy followed. My father tried to commit suicide – his business was
I am so pleased that I decided to try it. I
in danger financially. I found him uncon-
was so desperate and, at the same time,
scious in the back of his car, surrounded
very sceptical and nervous about the
by letters he’d written to the family. I had
outcome, as I had never tried any form of
a panic attack at the scene. After this
complementary therapy. I certainly didn’t
episode I decided I couldn’t carry on like
think that I would ever be fully relieved
this. I could not let my children suffer; all of
of my mental health issues. I was looking
this was having an impact on their lives.
for some form of relief, however slight. It
I started researching complementary therapies and discovered Pranic Healing. I booked my first Pranic Healing treat-
would have been a bonus, as my panic attacks, anxiety, depression and constant daily headaches
ment with Mark Willis. At the end of my first
were, at the
session, I was so relaxed and delighted
time, overtak-
with the outcome that I rebooked for the
ing the ability to
following week. This relaxation continued
function. When
for the next few days, and I knew that
my husband was
this was something I wanted to continue.
off work, I found
Over the coming months, I made sure that
myself in bed
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“.... it clears my mind of any unwanted emotions and allows me to be much more productive.”
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Summer/ Issue 38
every week from Friday till Sunday night
embarked on an amazing new life for
so that I could rest and recover for the
myself and my family! This gave me confi-
coming week. This was no life for me or my
dence, peace, contentment and happi-
family.
ness that I had never experienced.
Pranic Healing works on the ‘energy
It was at this point that I realised I had
body’, where a chemical reaction takes
suffered from anxiety as a child. However, I
place. This enhances the body’s natural
was finally free, excited and happy to think
healing process, allowing it to take place
about what the future held. I felt better
on physical, emotional and psychological
than I could ever remember feeling. I am
levels. This was the beginning of my ascent;
now committed and totally passionate
I had found a way to get back up again!
about helping other people who suffer with
The headaches started to disappear, and,
mental health issues.
within six months, the anxiety I had suffered
During one of the sessions, Mark told me
for most of my life had gone. Thanks to
that I should learn Pranic Healing for myself
Pranic Healing, I now live a pain-free life
so that I could help others in the same
and no longer take medication.
way as I was being helped. I am now a
During the six months of regular Pranic
Pranic Healing therapist myself and with
Healing sessions, I was amazed to find
continued guidance and nurturing from my
that each session was another step
instructor, Les Flitcroft, I now have a thriv-
towards gaining a better life. I couldn’t
ing Pranic Healing practice in Ascot. I also
believe how much better I was feeling.
facilitate group meditations for children
Since my first Pranic Healing session with
and adults. More recently, I have been
Mark, I have never experienced another
working with teenagers at a local college
panic attack! After six weeks my head-
to help them with their stress levels!
aches had completely gone. I had been under specialists in London and taking
Being able to help people and make a
both prescribed and over-the-counter
difference makes me so happy. It was my
medication for them. To my delight, I was
vision to assist people with mental health
completely free of my mental health
issues and now I can.
symptoms within six months and able to
Learn Pranic Healing yourself and see how
come off all prescribed medication for
you can help yourself and also help others.
anxiety, depression and headaches. I had
Website: www.ukpranichealing.co.uk
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Summer/ Issue 38
My Experience of OCD Polly Granger
I
seem to remember it starting with
horticultural ‘poison’ grew stronger and,
a plant in my mum’s kitchen. If the
before long, I started to worry about
memory is credible, I was eight years
contact with plants outside of my
old, and my nan had decided to water
home. If I brushed past a bush, or if my
the dry plant that my mum always
tennis ball got lodged beneath a shrub,
forgot to tend. I think I helped part
I would have had difficulty touching
the leaves so she could reach the
the surface that had been exposed.
flaky earth. When she had emptied
I certainly would not have been able
the watering can, she led me over to
to eat anything without cleaning my
the kitchen sink. “You need to wash
hands fastidiously.
your hands after touching plants,”
This obsession developed incremen-
she explained. When I asked why, she
tally, turning into a fear of contact with
replied, “Because they’re poisonous.”
sullied areas. These surfaces were not
My nan is not a cruel person, and
always contaminated by plant life; I
she clearly did not think that this utter-
began eschewing a variety of unclean
ance would trigger a preoccupation
objects. If I had no choice but to touch
with what may happen if I ignored
these items, I would either have to
her. For a little while, I thought that this
wash my hands immediately or avoid
sage comment only really applied to
contact with other things until I was
the plant in our kitchen, but the anxi-
able to. It got to a point where I was
ety engendered by the thought of this
even cleaning the tap and the top of
cont.
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EQUILIBRIUM 15
the soap dispenser. However, these were not the worst
think he probably thought I was a bit of a know-it-all. I was referred to the child and
issues I had to deal with. My fear of dirty
adolescent mental health services for CBT
objects was punctuated by other more
but did not engage very well. My therapist
traumatic obsessions. Some of the anxi-
was sweet, vacuous and oblivious to how
eties I experienced during those years
entrenched these obsessions were. From
were prompted by uncontrollable anger.
what I can remember, I only went to four
Following what felt like an unacceptable
sessions. I was fourteen years old.
altercation with my mother at the age
During the twelve years that followed,
of nine years old, a melange of remorse
I fell prey to an inventory of different
and fury began to trigger sinister thoughts
trials, most of which could be attributed
about how much I wanted her to die,
to OCD. My thoughts would vacillate
none of which were controllable or true. I
from one sphere of turmoil to another,
felt so guilty that I became obsessed with
and I often felt that it would never let me
my moral compass. I am not sure how old
stop worrying about certain thoughts, a
I was when the shame started to diminish,
number of which elicited implacable feel-
but it took a long time for me to accept
ings of paranoia and guilt. The intensity
that these intrusions were not the conse-
of these worries did abate for a few years
quence of a savage mind.
but were revived shortly after I finished my
Although there were other more horrific
degree. The power of these obsessions
concerns dervishing through my head at
was both frightening and destructive.
the time, it was my obsession with plants
I was offered a course of high intensity
that gave me the impetus to visit my
CBT, and I knew that it had got to a point
doctor. My mother and I both conceded
where I needed to deal with the thing
that these propensities were undeniable
that had made me hate myself. This thera-
symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disor-
pist knew that it was going to take some
der. I thought that this self-diagnosis gave
time before anything pivotal occurred.
me licence to tell my GP what I had been
She spent six sessions acclimatising to the
suffering from, and, although he agreed, I
nuances of my thoughts in an attempt to
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Summer/ Issue 38
An honest and visceral art review Richard (a.k.a. mohecan nohecan raphecant touché punt lsd cara2che dtf d2f kudos puck trigga finga)
work out how the obsessions were making me feel. She didn’t ask me to do any homework until the seventh session. It was far more useful than the last intervention. Since coming to the end of my CBT sessions, I have seen two extremely different counsellors in an attempt to determine the heart of the condition. It is unlikely that I will ever have the strength to stop overthinking, and I will probably never quell the impulse to criticise myself.
Upon first seeing this piece of work,
On the other hand, I have decided not
the intrinsic pulled me automatically
to let it impede me. If I am in a position
to the abstract and impressionism,
where I have to leave my flat without the
all colliding, and yet the overdriv-
munificence and patience of my partner,
ing use of layers upon themselves,
I will spend the required twenty minutes
where you have the fluid motion
ensuring the gas is off and the keys have
cascading, crashing into and away
been taken out of the front door. If I have
from its central theme of constant
decided to pen a contribution for the
process with water. It’s ALIVE and yet
magazine Equilibrium, I will take a year to
the calmness of an overwhelming
make sure I have not duplicated the intel-
background, just visual to the eye,
lectual property of another person that
shows intricate, beautiful attention
has also written about OCD. Like other
to nature’s horizontal life. The left
obsessive-compulsives, I will do what I can
top has so much and yet so little.
to adapt to these essential and crucial
Superfluous, just pure expression from
circumstances.
the reflective, soulful eternity outside time. Here is a motion captured in showing shadowed stillness and adaptability, colourful and bright. Its heart is resonating and capturing the true art and artist. This is so honest. I love it. Welcome to the truth without rules of adherence.
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
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Beating the Blues Barbara Smith
A
s a music lover, I have often turned to music to help make sense of my emotions. Maybe
I’m not alone in that. How often do we find ourselves deliberately playing sad songs when we feel down or loud, upbeat rock/pop songs when we feel happy or elated? We may use music when we just want to change our mood. At home, I’ve always kept an old bongo or small hand drum lying around, occasionally tapping or banging along to whatever I may be listening to and finding some pleasure in it as it transports me elsewhere temporarily, sending me into a mildly meditative state where I feel calm and relaxed. Sometimes I am surprised at how much time has elapsed just tapping out a repetitive rhythm, and the smell of food being cremated or the realisation I am late sends me crashing back to reality! So when I came across a local drumming group offering sessions, I decided to go along and try it out. The sound of tribal drumming always touched something deep within me – it felt primal, earthy and very grounding. I can’t keep still when I hear its pounding rhythms, and I find myself moving to the beat whether I’m aware of it or not. It seems to stir up emotions that I can’t always put a name to, but it has always lifted my spirits. I’ve
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watched others’ reactions too, in crowds,
and on a high, and as we said goodbye,
and it seems no one can keep still. The driving
I was already looking forward to the next
rhythms seem so fundamental to us, like it’s
session. Coincidentally, in the days that
hard-wired into our very DNA.
followed, I found myself coming across arti-
I turned up to the group one Tuesday
cles, academic and otherwise, extolling the
night, feeling nervous and excited and
health benefits of drumming, both physically
hoping no one was expecting too much from
and mentally. It can help with anxiety and
me. There was around six of us or so. I chose
depression, increase cognitive function and
a djembe drum and was relieved when we
IQ, lower blood pressure, improve mood and
started with a simple pattern, repeated over
decrease fatigue.
and over, to get warmed up and put us all at
There appears to have been a lot of
ease. After a short time, as I looked around
research done on this subject, which is easily
the group, I noticed something strange
accessed online if you search ‘health benefits
happening: everyone was smiling, and they
of drumming’, so you can make your own
had a relaxed and slightly detached look
mind up. For me, it feels like I have found
about them as we all fell into the rhythm. As
something really beneficial, therapeutic and
the pace started to pick up, I felt excited but
enjoyable. It gets me out of the house and
extremely focused on what I was doing, to
allows me to meet new people, and it has
the exclusion of all else. I felt present, in the
given me a new interest I hope to maintain
moment, and very connected to the other
for a long time to come.
drummers in the driving patterns we were creating. By the end of the session, my hands were
There is no pressure, as everyone works at the level they are comfortable with. The best thing, however, the thing that never changes
throbbing and vibrating, and I felt calm and
from week to week, is the wide beaming
relaxed and almost euphoric. It had been
smiles of the drummers as they, for a short
similar to having a good physical workout
time at least, beat away their worries, and
but more fun. Everyone left smiling, happy
experience the sheer joy of being alive.
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Dealing with Depression, Anxiety or Stress - Sing! Liv Johannesson
S
everal scientific studies from around the
ployment. As everyone who has been unem-
world indicate that singing, especially
ployed knows, it can isolate you both physically
singing in a choir, has a positive impact on our
and emotionally, but the regular choir practice
health. Music has been seen to improve such
gave me a social context removed from my
varied conditions as MS, dementia, IBS and
professional struggles.
how we cope with pain. Music affects the brain in different ways: it
In addition, choir singing strengthens the part of our immune system that first meets
helps to develop and improve the synapses
alien viruses and bacteria. Singing increases
in our brain, and it increases certain signal
the antibodies in our saliva that help us take
substances and hormones that we need to
care of these attacks on our immune system.
feel good. Music we enjoy releases dopamine, which
Other studies show that both listening to music and singing have healing powers.
is a hormone that stimulates our bodies’
In Finland a study showed that patients of
reward system. Choir singing, in particular,
strokes recovered more quickly if allowed to
increases the amount of oxytocin in the body,
listen to their favourite music. Their cognitive
which makes us more sociable and open to
abilities and emotional states improved.
forming social connections. I decided to join
Music lowers the stress hormones in the body,
a gospel choir during a long spell of unem-
which in turn seems to affect inflammations. It
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Summer/ Issue 38
is becoming a power tool to combat mental
Since singing improves our immune
health problems, stress-related symptoms
system, it has a positive and calming effect
and inflammations. Not only does music we
on our stomachs. Singing trains the lungs
enjoy make us happy, but it can also redi-
and the heart, and the muscles used for
rect our thoughts. Personally, I often turn on
singing gently massage our intestines, which
favourite songs to bring sense to a chaotic
is probably why, when leaving a session of
world. If I can, I sing along, too, and it does
choir practice, one can feel very relaxed,
help to give myself some breathing space.
almost as if coming from a massage
Music we recognise goes straight in,
appointment. My experience is that music
affecting our emotions and delaying our
is a strange combination of training muscles
reasoning. This can have a positive influence
that you need for singing, a fun time and a
on recovering from depression. It redirects
spiritual experience.
our thoughts, lowering our pain. By the time
People who sing in choirs feel happier
reasoning kicks in, our thought patterns are
and are more relaxed. They have more
already focused on more positive things.
energy. Attending regular choir practice
As you can read in my poem Ein Deutches
also creates the positive anticipation of
Requirem, it is possible to lose yourself in
having something to look forward to each
creating music, lifting your mind to a higher
week. Singing in a choir while I was unem-
level of experience.
ployed created a time away from my
Another part of our physiology that is deeply connected with singing is our breathing. To help the voice carry through
worries that I cherished and drew energy from each week. Personally, I feel that stress does so much
the music, you have to breathe correctly.
damage to our bodies. It can be hard to
Our breathing in turn affects our heart
even imagine that things could improve
frequency. Again, a powerful tool in
when you are stuck in a stressed or burnt-out
combating stress and anxiety-related condi-
state. It can also be hard to push yourself
tions. I used to take singing lessons while in
to work on the issues that have brought you
college. We would always start with breath-
to this state. If singing has no other effect,
ing exercises, making sounds that would
it can at least lower your stress levels and
release tensions in our vocal muscles. These
improve your immune system, thus enabling
exercises could easily be transferred to
other positive remedies to take place.
releasing tension when stressed or anxious.
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EQUILIBRIUM 21
Dealing with Stress and Mental Health Dev Chatterjea
and behaviour. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviours.” These are, however, a small number of conditions, and each one can affect you differently. According to the World Health Organisation, “Around one in four people worldwide will be affected by mental or neurological disorders at some point in their lives. There are around 450 million people currently suffering from such conditions.” These conditions can have tremendous
I
f you have a mental health condition
psychological and physiological effects on
that causes stress, it would be easier for
a person. In some cases, it can completely
you to know more about your condition
change your behaviour towards the
and how it affects you. It is said that there
outside world and the people around you.
are around two hundred different types
It can cause stress. You might worry about
of mental health conditions, each vary-
what the outcome will be or whether you
ing in severity. According to the staff at
will be able to finish that task on time.
the Mayo Clinic, “Mental illness refers to a
Sometimes there are negative thoughts,
wide range of mental health conditions —
e.g. “Is this good enough?” “Should I be
disorders that affect your mood, thinking
doing this?” “Why is this happening to
EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 22
Summer/ Issue 38
me?” The most common stress factors
person may need to be re-assessed by a
include work, money matters, relationships,
trained psychologist. The point is it may get
housing, among other things.
way out of control.
However, there is a big difference when
There are several ways of dealing with
stress affects your mental health. To put
stress. The first step is to find out what the
it simply, it puts extra pressure on the self.
cause of the stress is, then identify the
The reason for this is that you are dealing
key stress points and tackle them. Find a
with your mental health condition as well
positive or alternative way of thinking by
as your stress levels (double trouble). There
changing your thought patterns. It may
is also the possibility of stress having an
sound difficult, but it is one of the better
adverse effect on this condition. Depend-
ways of dealing with stress. The good thing
ing on the condition, a person will tend to
about it is that you may find another way of
think increasingly negative thoughts and
dealing with the source of the stress. If it is
will start to imagine the worst situation and what its outcomes will be. Sometimes, in extreme situations, it may cause the person to have an outburst of emotion towards another. This could be because the person has become delusional; in short, the person has thought so much that it has started to get out of hand. Bear in mind that this is in
still causing trouble, you may want to speak to someone. In some cases, however, stress can be positive. Research has shown that a “moderate” level of stress makes us perform better than usual. It also makes us more alert. It can help us perform better in various situations such as job interviews or public speaking.
extreme circumstances. In some cases, the
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EQUILIBRIUM 23
A POEM OF THE BARRICADES REFUSES TO DIE Thomas Ország-Land Translated from the Hungarian of Thomas Land and edited by Watson Kirkconnell. THOMAS ORSZÁGLAND is an award-winning poet and foreign correspondent who writes from Jerusalem, London and his native Budapest. His last book was Survivors: Hungarian Jewish Poets of the Holocaust (Smokestack Books, 2014), and his last e-chapbook, Reading for Rush Hour: A Pamphlet in Praise of Passion (Snakeskin, England, 2016).
O
ne heady afternoon during the
poem has refused to die for more than half
Hungarian Revolution of October-
a century.
November 1956, I attended an editorial
Dudás and 228 others were hanged by
conference of The Independent (A Magyar
the communists after the revolution, some
Függetlenség),the flagship daily of the
of them even younger than me at the time.
doomed anti-Soviet insurrection. I was an
Many more were sentenced to death and
eighteen year old high school dropout
eventually reprieved, a form of torture.
employed on the paper as a cub reporter.
Tens of thousands were imprisoned. I left
József Dudás, our hugely charismatic editor-
the country with a westward flood of some
in-chief, assigned the serious tasks of the
210,000 patriots, most of them young and
day to the senior correspondents. Then he
educated.
turned to me: “...and what can you contribute to the edition?” I offered to write a poem. “Make it
Europe did not experience such a mass movement of refugees again until the present march of destitute Middle
good,” he accepted, “and be sure not to
East migrants across this prosperous conti-
miss your deadline.” My piece was ready
nent. Only some forty thousand of us have
on time, of course. It could have turned
returned. The loss has been enormous for a
out a tad less sentimental. The composi-
small country deeply troubled by its relent-
tion comprised three quatrains fuelled by
lessly declining population levels.
some clever cross-rhyming and employed
I switched to English as soon as I could. I
the odd repetition of lines to save time
have spent the rest of my life as a freelance
and trouble. It described a girl on the barri-
writer. I did my best during the early years
cades, shot while distributing bread to the
to have nothing to do with my homeland –
warriors. Unlike its fictitious heroine, the
except for translating the Hungarian poetry
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Summer/ Issue 38
of my betters into English in the hope of learn-
about an old lady. I do not think that my voice
ing how to write English poetry.
has changed, but I have.
The dead heroine of the poem also took on
“Ha,” observed a dear friend, a great English
life in English through the translation of Western
poet, “all you now have to do is... write it again,
writers who read my effort in the columns of
in English.” Quite, and that’s the easy part.
The Independent – although some of them, I
Here is the poem of the barricades:
am afraid, turned the girl into a boy. The most successful translation (below) was done by the late Watson Kirkconnell, the great-grandfather of Hungarian literary translation into English,
INSTEAD OF A TOMBSTONE
who was president of Acadia University in Canada, where I read philosophy on a schol-
He shyly closed the lids of darkened eyes,
arship after the revolution.
A small red flower blossomed on his breast.
In post-communist Hungary, the poem is still being recited from time to time at public cele-
A smile still lingered on his mouth’s surprise, As if at home he slept and loved his rest...
brations commemorating the revolution. It has been included in a mass-circulation anthology
The little hero in the filth is laid,
intended mostly for school children.
(Around him fall his bread-loaves in the mud).
At last, the poem has seduced me. I recently edited its original Hungarian text (as
Just as but now he paced the barricade – In vain let fall his bomb and shed his blood...
indeed it should have been done by someone on The Independent before publication
He shyly closed the lids of darkened eyes,
all those years ago) when it occurred to me
A small red flower blossomed on his breast.
that, today, perhaps I can do better. So I have
Beside his corpse, a steaming gutter lies,
just written another Hungarian poem, this time
The world sings victory but signs a jest.
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 25
Alcoholism: Nature vs Nurture Astharte De Los Santos
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Summer/ Issue 38
O
ne of life’s biggest debates is the
alcohol abuse can have on a family. Alco-
nature vs nurture argument, which is
holism not only affects the individual who is
considered when questioning why we do the
dependent on alcohol, it also affects their
things we do. We love to explore the reason-
spouse, children and loved ones.
ing behind our decisions, goals and aspira-
Alcoholics have a tendency to isolate
tions. These can be pretty close to those of
themselves. Their loved ones usually cover
our parents but can also be influenced by the
their tracks, at times enabling their alcohol
type of lives we have led and the people/
consumption. They become protective of
cultures we have been around. Nature only
the person abusing alcohol, to the point
contributes to the physical aspect of who we
where they also become part of the prob-
are, but through nurture we gain perspective
lem. Spouses start to have problems in their
of who we want to be.
marriage, friends become enemies and chil-
Nurture is how we use our environment as
dren sometimes rebel due to the instability
a tool. We learn every day from our surround-
that having an alcoholic parent brings into
ings, meet new people and explore new
their lives.
places to become better individuals. So how
While gathering some information, I came
do we determine if someone’s behavior is
across a case study about a single mother
influenced more by their genetic makeup
from London named Cathy Rivers and her
(nature) or by where they grew up (nurture)?
three children. She was married to a very angry man who would abuse her as her chil-
The Wrath of Alcoholism Studies show that alcoholism is a condition
dren watched. She began drinking heavily to get through
that continues to be on the rise. Alcohol
all the physical pain. Her abusive husband
Concern have reported that 595,000 drinkers
also drank excessively. When the kids started
are dependent on alcohol, with only 100,000
being neglected, children’s services were
being treated for alcoholism in the UK. There
alerted. They were taken away from their
have been studies that show adolescents
parents, separated and put into foster homes.
that drink before reaching adulthood do not
This caused much hardship in their lives.
develop their brain function properly. They
Having been exposed to this trauma at such
are also more vulnerable to becoming alco-
an early age, two of the children, now adults,
holics in the future.
also went on to abuse alcohol. The middle
It is a big factor that contributes to the problems and separation of families all over the UK. This goes to show you the impact
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child became a doctor. So, what does this tell us? Well, that there are people who have experienced early
EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 27
alcohol exposure and have made the
that make us more vulnerable to certain
decision not to consume. They have
diseases or ailments.
chosen to live a healthier lifestyle and have made better decisions in order to better
So who are we to blame?
their lives. You can ascribe alcoholism to genetic
If nature is only 50% responsible for the
predisposition, which implies that alco-
development of alcoholism, where does
holism can be passed down, or you can
that leave the other 50%?
attribute it to being raised around, or by,
I think that the other half is left up to the
an alcoholic. Nature vs nurture is basically
choices we make in our life. Some individu-
a perspective.
als who are dependent on alcohol say that
Cathy River’s children all had a choice. They were all raised around an alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused
the first taste of alcohol is bad, that it is an acquired taste. Those affected continue to drink to the
their mother. So why did the middle child
point of inebriation, all the while building
become an exception?
up a tolerance for more and more alcohol. It’s important to understand the biological
Is Alcoholism Caused by our Nature? Nature refers to genetic, hormonal and neurochemical traits that have been passed down through our genes. In other words, there are certain things that have been part of us since conception, which we cannot help but accept. Height, early
aspects of alcoholism, but it’s not always passed down. We must train our minds to be strong, train our habits and refrain from things that may cause instability in our lives. Through rehabilitation and healing, you can create a fulfilling life. Enjoy the present, as it is a gift.
hair loss, even funny or beautiful facial features. At times even talents or mental
What is Nurture?
capabilities may be passed down. So it’s
The society we live in and the environment
no surprise that people have argued that
we grow up in constitutes nurture. It is the
alcoholism can also be passed down. It is a
influence that the outside world has on
known fact that there are genes we carry
the development of our character. In most
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Summer/ Issue 38
cases, where and how we grow up deter-
played Harry Potter, is the perfect example
mines where we are going, but can your
of the “young child star” who battled with
environment make you drink excessively?
alcoholism at a very early age. He even-
Studies show that the cost of advertising increased by 620% between the years 1995-1997. We are constantly being
tually managed to become sober and healthy. It has been proven that alcoholism is
bombarded by advertisements that
partially caused by genetics. The rest is
promote alcohol through our television
influenced by nurture: the people you asso-
screens and on billboards. Even certain
ciate with, the lifestyle you lead and the
songs encourage the use of alcohol. Habit-
choices you make can all lead you into
ual drinking and inebriation seem normal,
“habitual drinking”. Usually, there is a thin
even cool.
line between habitual drinking and alco-
So how much of an impact can your surroundings have on you? Actually, your
holism. Very thin. If you or anyone you know is struggling
environment can have a lot of influence on
with alcoholism, please get help. Your
the life path you choose. In some cases, it
family and friends might be concerned
might even oppress you. It’s sad, but your
about how much you are drinking. The
demographic can even determine where you might end up in life. For example, people that grow up in poor neighborhoods are completely stereotyped. It is even expected that a young
depths of alcoholism only get deeper after every drink. You can do this. Fight for what matters to you. Financial stress, the loss of a loved one,
boy who grows up in a bad neighborhood
the fear of what tomorrow may bring or the
will engage in illicit activities, go to jail or
fear of happiness can all result in depend-
die from gun violence.
ency. Whatever your issues may be, alco-
Yes, sometimes they can, but there are so many examples of outstanding and extraordinary stories involving people who were dirt poor that managed to be successful in their field. Daniel Radcliffe, the beloved actor who
www.haringey.gov.uk/equilibrium
hol is not the answer. Anything we do in excess may cause us to lose track of who we really are and how far we have come. So keep fighting for a better life, one that is free from alcoholism. A life that allows you
EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 29
An Unstoppable
Force Ash E Rah
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Summer/ Issue 38
N
ever did so well in physics. I am not that
It is an immovable object, taking our own
kind of scientist.
souls hostage.
But I have been crazy, so, naturally, I know the answers to pretty much everything. I know what the densest matter in the universe is. I know what happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object. I know a force sharper than the sun.
It has taken almost my entire life away from me. Not even my psychosis could undo it. As I changed and my worldview shifted, so did the despair. First, I thought I would never find peace within my mind. Then, I was convinced that I would never find love. As the crazy inside me
But for everything I know and everything I’ve
grew, I started thinking about the world and
come to believe, I also know what it’s like to
then the universe, and thank God because
be completely unheard.
it really was time I stopped obsessing over
Such is the world for insanity. We are not kind to people who experi-
myself. But the world is facing environmental,
ence psychosis. Whether we sweep them
religious, social and economic collapse. I’d
away or lock them inside, illnesses like mine
just swapped my own personal lack of future
lead to a hundred dark places, and almost
for one denied to us all. So sure, I could give
no light.
myself a pat on the back for pulling my
But in these dark places we learn, my
head out my ass, but I was faced with the
friends, because minds like mine have been
same despair squatting right inside my ribs.
beyond what is possible. They feed off truths we’re afraid to say. We learn from experience that despair is
Going completely loopy (which is exactly what I mean - when my thoughts became loops) made it even worse, because I was
the heaviest substance in the universe. We
facing an entire universe now and a God
feel it weigh dense against our hearts, and
who had become so fractured and divided
we watch it take light from people’s eyes.
that, even if this was the end of the world,
It absorbs the life from everything it touches
They couldn’t do anything about it.
and binds us so strongly we have nowhere
I mean, would you believe someone
to go.
wandering around telling you this was the
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 31
apocalypse? Perhaps you would, you
defended me against judgement from
unimaginable legend, but I have been
others, accepted me for who I was and
doing exactly that for years, and no one
wrapped their arms around the despair in
has believed me so far. Not even the
my chest.
university faculty I accused of being the
As my psychosis reached its peak, I
Four Riders of my very own Apocalypse.
created a whole language with one
In my experience, God has even less
of them, full of references and whole
credibility than I do.
thoughts. He sat with me every day as an
Ha! I know.
apocalypse unfolded in my mind, kept up
But there is a force stronger than rage
with my crazy and made even sickness
and hate; it picks up desolation and cuts right through pain. Where it meets the
fun. The other waited until I was sleeping to
immovable object of despair, it collides,
massage the PTSD muscle spasms that tore
over and over, until the weight can be
through my body. He tucked me into bed
lifted.
and slept outside the door so he could be
It’s love. Honestly.
sure I was safe. One gave me a direct link to his mind.
I lived in a world where I was certain
The other gave me a piece of his soul. Call
that I was dying, and I kind of welcomed
it sickness all you like, but we were growing
it. I looked around and saw it dying and
God, and God knew we needed it.
couldn’t decide whether that was a bad
Needed to.
thing. I watched the very power of God
My psychosis is, from start to finish, a
smashed to pieces and left to die on the
love story. Those two men gave me a self
streets of division and hate. Toe-to-toe with
I didn’t recognise, hope for a world that I
the abyss, I saw the end of everything we
couldn’t imagine and belief in the power
have ever been.
of being together.
But right then, as if on cue, love walked
They were the Gods of my Apocalypse,
into my life in the shape of two young
but, more importantly, they were two
men and one spare bedroom. They sat for
people who were an unstoppable force
hours and debated with me. They cooked
meeting my immovable object.
wholesome and delicious food. They
EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 32
They were love.
Summer/ Issue 38
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Summer/ Issue 38
Deus Ex
MACHINA Equilibrium met up with London-based artist Anthony J. Parke to discuss his new series of paintings generated from a fascination for classical art and a desire to explore some old ghosts.
How would you describe your work?
within art history, with the sole intention of
Drawing inspiration from the history of fine
yielding a more personal, psychologically
art and specific iconic paintings within it,
satisfying outcome.
as well as referring back to key autobiographical events, I appropriate certain
What inspires your work?
characters portrayed in paintings from
The inspiration for rewriting certain events
the classical and neo-classical periods. In
comes from a device from ancient Greek
each instance, the situation and characters
tragedian plays. ‘Deus ex Machina’ (DeM),
explored appear to have succumbed, or are
translated, means ‘God from the Machine’.
soon to succumb, to a tragedy of some sort.
This device was designed to ensure irresolvable events ended with a more favourable
What do you hope to achieve?
outcome for certain individuals. This was
My aim is essentially to generate alter-
achieved on the play’s stage by lowering
native outcomes in these paintings, to
a ‘God’ from a machine (crane) onto the
remodel historical events, stories and myths
stage. I utilise the concept of this device
cont.
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EQUILIBRIUM EQUILIBRIUM 35
Deus ex Machina I, 2017
Deus ex Machina II, 2017
Oil & Acrylic on Panel
Oil & Acrylic on Panel
After Blondel’s The Fall of Icarus
After Honthorst’s St Sebastian
by creating my own Deus ex Machina in my paint-
they are invariably male, and they appear to be
ings. Her role is to create an alternative outcome
caught up in a tragic event of some description.
for the character within the paintings; she does this
Importantly, too, unlike Medea, I perceive an
through action and symbolism.
innocence and beauty in them. Their suffering is
A good example of DeM in practice is Euripi-
alleviated, mostly through symbolic means, with
des’ play Medea. Medea leaves her homeland
the appearance of a DeM represented in female
and follows Jason out of love. In time, Jason
form. I appropriate figures from paintings such as,
scorns Medea, and she is overlooked as he
William Bouguereau’s The Flagellation of Christ,
marries another in favour of her. In her bitterness,
Merry-Joseph Blondel’s The Fall of Icarus, Gerrit
Medea kills their children. Distraught, Jason seeks
van Honthorst’s Saint Sebastian, Gericault’s The
revenge for the horror inflicted on their offspring.
Raft of Medusa, etc. All of these paintings hold a
Almost certain death awaits Medea for her crime.
fascination for me due to the personalities who
However, before Jason can reap his revenge, the
inhabit them. These figures are specifically chosen
sun god arrives and carries Medea into the skies.
because, for me, they resonate with the suffering
There, she looks down on a broken Jason.
of my own brother, ‘K’. K came into this world, seemingly innocent
How do you employ this device?
and beautiful, as did many of the characters in
The selected figures I use have certain attributes:
the paintings I use. Yet, later in life, he began to
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Summer/ Issue 38
Deus ex Machina III, 2017
Deus ex Machina IV, 2017.
Oil & Acrylic on Panel
Oil & Acrylic on Panel
After Bouguereau’s The Flagellation of Christ
After Gericault’s The Raft of Medusa
suffer, lost in a sea of psychological turbulence.
What are the underlying messages in your work?
K’s illness sent him spiralling into a world of visions
The figurative symbolism of the female Deus in
and voices. No doctor or medical establishment
my paintings is designed to evoke the possibility
could extract him from his suffering. He needed
of change. Her role is to ensure a tragedy need
something greater. But nothing ever came - not
not remain a tragedy. On a less esoteric note,
even a divine intervention. As a family we, too,
these paintings are about the human capacity
were embroiled in the horror and the suffering. As
to continue in the face of adversity, that when
a younger brother, I wanted more than anything
the world appears to be falling apart, there exists
for someone, or something, to extract us from the
a glimmer of hope, a possibility of change. In
tragedian play we were caught in.
this scenario, it is feasible that one can escape
Each of the personalities represented in my
the seemingly inescapable. These are paintings
paintings are all representations of K and his suffer-
which testify to the human capacity to overcome
ing - in a multitude of guises. The motivation is an
insurmountable odds, for a ‘Deus’ can appear in
altogether irrational one: in alleviating the turmoil
everyday circumstances, in a multitude of guises,
of the characters in these paintings, I attempt to
ready to change one’s world.
alleviate the suffering of K’s life, both past, present and future.
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