Text by MAYA MUKHERJEE
Art by XIAOHAN LI
Sorry I don’t own a sari
Reflecting on my lack of connection to my family’s Bengali culture
I
n the depths of boredom in the these things, almost proud of my lack of COVID-19 lockdown summer 2020, culture. If I don’t know about Indian traI opened Duolingo. It was time — I ditions, it must mean I totally fit in, right? was going to At one point, learn Bengali, my though, I realized grandparents’ na- “As a child, I was raised that there was a tive language. with this without any real concept problem I finally felt — I am Indian, or ready to embrace an of being “Indian.” To this half, at least. When aspect of the culture meet me, day, I couldn’t tell you people I wasn’t immersed that’s one of the in, and I had the what Diwali is celebrating first things that they time to do it. But by learn about me — opening the app, I or how to tie a sari.” it’s obvious. No, it quickly found that hasn’t hugely imthe language was nowhere to be found. I pacted my life, but it’s true, and I think it took to the Internet, which, really, has ev- should matter. erything. But I still found close to nothing. Frankly, it was embarrassing that when I reeled back from my computer. If my friend asked me if I was worried about the Internet couldn’t help me, who could? the COVID-19 outbreak in India, I had My father doesn’t speak the language, and to tell her I hadn’t really thought of it as my grandparents and I have a language something connected to me. gap that we’ve never quite been able The truth is, I don’t know how to bridge. I was stuck, feeling distant to get that culture back. Bengali from the culture that had been lost in culture is such a specific culture the preceding generation. and language that there just aren’t My dad’s parents immigrated the tools available. to America from India two years Now, I’m left in a difficult before he was born. His parents spot. How do I get any brought their culture along, culture — clothes, lanand formed a community of guage, food, traditions Bengali friends in New York, — back when there’s retaining their traditions the no one to guide me? best they could. And if I’m not able But, growing up in a nearto, how do I learn to ly all-white New York suburb, be proud of my herimy dad conformed completely. tage anyway? He chose Billy Joel over BollyTo help guide me wood, and New York style pizthrough these questions, I za over samosas. turned to one of my oldest At 17, he was flying across friends, Shaivi Sanchorawathe country to go to college, la. The two of us met in our leaving any trace of Bengali kindergarten class and grew culture behind. up together, so I’ve always As a child, I was raised known her family and home without any real concept inside and out. of being “Indian.” To Shaivi grew up closely this day, I couldn’t tell you connected to her own Inwhat Diwali is celebrating dian culture, speaking or how to tie a sari. Gujarati as her first lanI used to feel a cerguage and visiting India tain pride in telling people every year.
“By just being present and being there physically in India, I feel like I’ve learned a lot about my culture throughout my childhood upbringing,” she said. “I had a nanny who only spoke Gujarati and I grew up going to the temple on the weekends. I grew up eating Indian food, and participating in the love of the traditions.” I’ve always had admiration for Shaivi’s connection to her culture, and her unwavering confidence in expressing it. However, she too has struggled with balancing retaining her culture with being an American teenager, she said. “I think like living in a place where there’s so many different cultures, it’s really easy to get lost, not only in other cultures, but just lose your own,” Shaivi said. Still, she said that her cultural connection has helped shape her life by providing her with a stable community she can rely on and relate to in ways she can’t to other people. She gave some advice for reconnecting to lost culture. “The first step would be to just reach out to family and start to rebuild those connections, because those are the connections that are going to connect you back to your culture and your roots and your traditions,” she said. After talking to Shaivi, I can’t say that I know perfectly what path to follow, but I feel like I have more of a sense of how to approach the problem, and more motivation to do so. Once I’m able to find these reconnections, I’ll not only be more in touch with my family and culture, but my own identity as well.
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