Rethinking Masculinity

We talk to coach and keynote speaker Dan Stanley about the inspiration behind his new book Rethinking Masculinity

“Put down digital devices, get present, ask questions, be ‘in the room’ with the people who matter to you”

What was your ‘rethink moment’?

In 2017, I was left unsure of myself and my life’s direction. Despite ticking life’s boxes, I felt unfulfilled and my success superficial.

Partly fuelled by my midlife crisis, I took time out from the busyness of life. In that space, I realised that many ‘successful on paper’ men feel the same. This sparked fundamental questions – is how we’re living the right way to live? Is our view of masculinity serving its purpose? I came to a sobering conclusion: no.

What made you write Rethinking Masculinity?

Initially, it was a marketing strategy to generate business. But, very quickly, something shifted. I moved beyond my book being a ‘lead source’ and instead into creating something much more meaningful.

In chapter 1, I shine a bright light on the dysfunction of modern-day masculinity and the challenges affecting professionally successful men: workaholism, loneliness, poor mental health, midlife crisis and divorce.

My research cemented my belief that we’re falling into traps of our own making. Too many men believe that professional success is the key to personal happiness - the term I use to describe this flawed thinking is ‘the myth of masculinity’.

My book is a deliberately challenging and proactive read, one that invites men to question their trajectory.

What do you feel is the biggest issue with masculinity?

Chasing societal success instead of our own definition. Men are constantly bombarded with messaging around what a man should be, how ‘he’ should think, feel and act. The conditioning starts in childhood through the ‘be strong’, boys don’t cry messaging. In adulthood, and through the guise of social media, we’re targeted by sophisticated algorithms that mean we can fall into a consumeristic, rat race lifestyle.

Many men try to take ‘the provider’ role and prove their worth through their work. The result is many middle aged men, ‘the silent majority’, are sacrificing their health, happiness, friendships and relationships in the pursuit of professional success.

They’re chasing societal success: the German car, the forever home, the luxurious holidays, the latest of everything and this means, in many cases, they end up earning a living without the living.

My vision is that the men of our generation will redefine the standards of what it means to be a successful man and become the ‘fit for purpose’ role models for our sons and daughters.

Five tips to rethink masculinity

1. Slow down. Take 5 minutes each day to check in and understand how you’re feeling.

2. Set goals. Have clearly defined goals so that you live with deliberate purpose.

3. Move more. Intentionally choose to move.

4. Deeper connection. Put down digital devices, get present, ask questions, be ‘in the room’ with the people who matter to you.

5. Protect time. Invest your time in the things you truly value, don’t be afraid to say no.

Dan is a father of two, husband and the proud owner of a crazy cocker spaniel. A retired veteran, a former national sporting champion and a bestselling author. Dan is the founder of BetterMen coaching business and the lead of Men & Mountains walking group.