say, you would like to “be a professional with a stimulating job,” and the only reason you don’t pursue that is because you “strongly feel that a mother should be the one raising her children.” On the other hand, I could ask a deeper question: Where did your husband get the idea that he’s supposed to have a double life? I understand that once he has a double life, then it’s not fair for you to not be able to have one as well. I truly mean that. But what I am asking is: Where did it even become a “thing” that a married person with children is supposed to leave the house and “join the professional world”? Those are the exact words you used. Your husband has “joined the professional world.” And if that’s what he has really done, if he has actually joined another world, then it’s only logical that you say: “Since my husband has joined the professional world, I feel myself wishing that I was the one in New York City attending professional meetings and office social functions!” Of course you feel that way. Why should he have all the fun? Again, no sarcasm is intended here at all. If your husband were off plowing in the field all day, I doubt you’d feel resentful. But if he gets to participate in an exciting, fast-paced world with all sorts of interesting people, well, then of course you’re envious of him. Then there’s that other thing that you are “ashamed to admit” because you “realize how ridiculous it is”—namely that your husband “works alongside immodestly dressed young women every day.” Why are you ashamed to admit it? Why is it ridiculous? I understand it completely and it makes perfect sense that it “has brought out a rebellious streak” in you and you have become “very resentful at having to dress in a tzniusdik manner.” This is a natural reaction. Once upon a time, if a man were a laborer or a farmer, he could pretty much avoid being around women. If he were a merchant or a shopkeeper, however,
then it was pretty unavoidable, but he didn’t view his job as a dispensation for socializing with women. Work wasn’t an excuse to steal a secret thrill by talking to people he wouldn’t normally talk to or behaving toward them in a way he wouldn’t normally behave. A man did what he had to do. And sometimes it pained him to have to do it. But he didn’t relish it. To the contrary, he saw it as a chore. Today, even in completely frum workplaces, we find that people often feel comfortable to take liberties that they wouldn’t
asking him to do that which is ultimately the most pleasurable and satisfying thing for him. And that is to be a real man. He can never really be happy living a double life. It doesn’t work. So you’re not trying to deprive him. You’re not asking him to
IF YOUR HUSBAND WERE OFF PLOWING IN THE FIELD ALL DAY, I DOUBT YOU’D FEEL RESENTFUL. normally take. Two weeks ago, I wrote to a woman who was upset that her husband was socializing with mixed gender groups on social media sites. I told her that the Internet gives a false feeling of stepping into an alternate reality where normal restrictions aren’t felt. Well, I hate to say it, but if this is true for the alternate reality of the Internet, it is also very often true of the alternate reality that is the workplace. And this is my point. The workplace cannot be an alternate reality. I feel that your feelings are completely justified, and that your discomfort is a healthy way that your own mind and heart are calling your attention to a problem. I think that you need to have a discussion with your husband. Perhaps you can begin by reading this column together with him. Remember, you are not trying to ruin his good time. On the contrary, you are
make a sacrifice. You’re asking him to have a discussion with you about basic values. And this discussion will lead—with Hashem’s help—to the best kind of life for both of you. With blessing, RST
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Rabbi Shais Taub is a noted expert on Jewish spirituality and addiction. He is the author of the best-selling G-d of Our Understanding: Jewish Spirituality and Recovery from Addiction. Questions to Rabbi Shais Taub should be sent to ask@amimagazine.org.
Rabbi Shais Taub is available for private consultations. For an appointment, contact him at Ask@Amimagazine.org.
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