WHAT’S DIFFERENT EXPERTS WEIGH IN Achim B’Derech is working to help divorced men find others who are going through the same difficulties as themselves. But what is divorced men’s suffering like? We interviewed two mental health professionals who have worked with divorced men, about the ways in which men’s emotional experience of divorce is different from women’s.
Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich is certified in cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy. He is the director and founder of Ohr Layesharim, an organization for teens at risk, located in Monsey, New York. The father of a blended family himself, Rabbi Ehrlich is a member of the board of Achim B’Derech and is active in guiding the organization. He sees clients privately in his offices in Monsey and Boro Park. Rabbi Ehrlich has also been active in Sister-to-Sister, a support organization for divorced women. His wife, a life coach, runs Sister-to-Sister in the Monsey area and serves as a counselor and second-time kallah teacher for divorced women. Rabbi Ehrlich says about his and his wife’s counseling of people who’ve been divorced, “This is our field.”
RABBI SHLOIME EHRLICH Divorce is a hard time for both men and women. There are problems for both. But it says in the Gemara, in Kiddushin, “Tav l’meisav tan du mi'l'meisav armelu,” that a woman feels a need to get married more than a man. A divorcée, whether she admits it or not, has a harder time being alone than a man. Having said that, it is still very hard for a man to be single, though perhaps for different reasons than a woman, and in certain ways, it can be equally painful. For some reason, the “street” believes negative statements about a man more than about a woman. Living in a tight-knit community, as we do, where the reputation is a person’s identification, can make that difficult for men. It certainly can go the other way, and whichever family is more dominant can cause the other side to be smeared. But as a general rule I do think that men suffer more from reputational attacks. Women face difficulties in raising children on their own. First of all, that’s a physical difficulty. The one hour a husband comes home at night can make a big difference, as well as the time he spends with the children on Shabbos and Yom Tov. Women usually suffer financially as well, whether or not they’re receiving child support. But men suffer from their inability to get through to their children. Some men are cut off entirely from their children; others are better off. But most divorced men who have children have major struggles getting through to their own flesh-and-blood. Men can suffer from this much more than women do. Even when a woman does listen to the custody or visitation agreement that they have—whether it is halachic or legal— there is always the fact that, for the man, the children aren’t home every day. A man generally gets to see his children only a few times a week, at the maximum. Most of the time, men do not get equal rights to their kids. Chasidic men often go back to their parents’ homes and are welcomed graciously. But they still often suffer because they must move back home. A man’s mother may say, “Where were you?” when he is out late, or his parents may say, “Don’t drive that car; it’s not good for shidduchim.” Their parents mean their comments for the best, but the men suffer. I recently spoke to a group of men about the parameters of kibud av va’eim in regard to these situations. Women also often get more help than men when they move back home—which they need. It is also more socially acceptable for a woman to live on her own. If a divorced man lives on his own, everyone asks, “Why didn’t he go home?” There is a question raised: Does he not get along with his parents? People