how to cope with annoying flatmates
who steal your shit and constantly moan at you. although, realistically, i’m setting you up for a loss.
2
chances are you’re going to be living with a flatmate who pisses you off at one point. this book is a quick help guide that should definitely not be followed too closely. unless you’re feeling brave of course. good luck. you’re going to need it.
3
someone is keeping me awake with their loud ass music. 4
you’re in halls and this is going to happen. either buy some ear plugs, or get your confrontation face on and yell at the fuckers. if this isn’t happening to you, chances are you might be the culprit. if so, keep doing what you’re doing. yolo and all that.
5
some cheap bastard keeps stealing my food. 6
oh no. not one of those flatmates. in all honesty, they’re the absolute worst. scum of the earth even. you can try replacing the sugar with salt but generally that won’t stop ‘em. i’m afraid you’re going to have to kill them. it’s the only solution.
7
someone keeps using my shit and not washing it. 8
beat them at their own game. use their shit and don’t wash it. pretty simple really. if this fails, put a blob of ketchup on every single thing they own. just make sure you lock your door; they might try to kill you in your sleep.
9
no one else seems to ever take the fucking bins out. 10
the main thing to do in this situation is to leave nice, incredibly patronising notes around the flat. make sure to use an awful lot of sarcastic smilie faces. that’ll show them. guilt trip them into it. they won’t know what hit them. kill them with kindness.
11
the twats all left, leaving me to clean up for our inspection. 12
oh hell. yep, been there. well you’re going to have to blitz the place and just hope they left their room a shit hole. just make sure to use all of their cleaning products. maybe even accidentally chuck some of their things away. ‘it was so dirty it was past help’ you can say. nailed it.
13
i followed your advice and all hell has broken loose, shit. 14
it’s that time i’m afraid. for the love of god, get out. go stay at your friends. this is not a drill. i’m sorry this has happened to you. we’re all very sorry. they’ll calm down, just give them time. you are a strong, independent student and you do not need your flatmates to complete you. okay?
15
p.s. don’t actually do any of the things in this help book. i’m serious. you might actually get murdered in your sleep. i’m sure they’re not even that bad, right?