g in m co er ov STEPMOM SHAME
“LAURA, I WAS SO EXCITED TO ATTEND THE STEPMOM RETREAT AND MEET OTHER STEPMOMS. THAT WAS UNTIL I GOT TO THE REGISTRATION DESK,” THREEYEAR-STEPMOM, JOSELYN PROFESSED. “When the woman at
the retreat center looked me in the eye and asked which event I was attending—I froze. I reviewed the list of women’s events. All of a sudden my heart sank and I was overcome with a sense of dread and shame. Avoiding eye contact I reluctantly responded, ‘The Stepmom Retreat’,” she lamented. “What happened to me? Within seconds I went from being my normal, outgoing, excited and happy self, to a humiliated and embarrassed mess.
“That woman’s simple question provoked such sadness in my heart. I wanted to be with the other group of women—ANY other group. I didn’t want to be attending something for stepmoms. Why was I mortified to announce I’m one of ‘those women?’ Why was I embarrassed to announce I am a stepmom?” Joselyn’s reaction is normal. There can be such a stigma—a menacing shame—that comes with being a stepmom. I’ve lost count of the times I’m meeting a woman for the first time and she asks, “How many kids do you have?” I respond with a smile, “My husband has two sons from his first marriage and now we have grandkids.” Unless she is familiar with stepfamily living, that reply normally shuts down the conversation. After 30 years as a stepmom I’m no longer embarrassed by the title. I believe becoming a smart stepmom, and loving someone else’s kids, is one of the hardest jobs on the planet. And I’ve got the emotional battle scars to prove it. If you know a woman who struggles with stepmom shame here are a few suggestions:
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