THE
compost SERVING ALLEGHENY COLLEGE SINCE 1876
VOLUME 136, ISSUE 22
- FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2012 -
WWW.ALLEGHENYCAMPUS.COM
This is fa k e n ews Happy April Fools' Day
Allegheny presents Barack Obama with first Presidential Excellence Prize of Presidency By LUKE WARMWATER gentleonthehands@allegheny.edu
Pete Souza/Wikimedia Commons
Allegheny College and the Center for Democracy in Politics awarded President Barack Obama with the first ever Presidential Excellence Prize for Presidency this week in Washington D.C., successfully affording the college a tiny window of national recognition. According to the CDP, the annual distinction honors one elected official that “demonstrates the most steadfast, genuine and brave commitment to presidential leadership during the term of U.S. presidency.” CDP director and founder, author of countless books and
Professor of Political Science Chet Shipps said that although the decision was difficult, President Obama was the most noteworthy presidential leader in the U.S. “In today’s political climate, the issues are complex and we have authored some groundbreaking statistical studies that the vast majority of Americans require a president that possesses presidential qualities,” said Shipps. “By virtue of his excellence in executive decision-making, we are proud to offer President Obama with the prize and hear him thank us for it.” In a nation-wide survey
conducted by the CDP, they found that 98 percent of respondents believed strongly that “a healthy democracy is led by a ‘presidential’ president.” This survey of 1,000 average Americans is the centerpiece of the mission of the CDP, which is to “ask simple questions to small samples of people and use the results to make a big deal about it and give out awards.” “This is an unprecedented prize that was inspired by unprecedented findings,” said President Mullen in the press conference at the White House.
See AWARD | Page 2
#ghenyproblems Student-professor
Student chokes on lollipop, dies love triangle ends in By ARIEL PARK parkandride@allegheny.edu
Looking at this week’s #ghenyproblems: Dean of students Dan Mcginnis thought passing out lollipops on the Loop would keep people from using swears when they got off, but instead it ended up killing a kid. Milton Bradley, ‘13, passed away Saturday night after choking on a lollipop on the Loop on his way back from the bar. The passing out of ‘pops was part of McGinnis’ “Stop FU Campaign” to encourage
students to be quiet and not use “toilet talk words” such as butthead and H-E double hockey stix late at night around Meadville. McGinnis said he handed out lollipops on the Loop before and he offered to do it again to keep the noise level of drunken students down for the sake of the community and their virgin ears. While Bradley was absorbed in his conversation with fellow student Markelle Smiley, ‘13, the bus stopped suddenly after Blow-Pop struck the driver ascending Park Avenue.
The sudden stop brought a sudden end for Bradley, who had been sucking on a lollipop like a good boy. Rumor has it he even did his homework that night and made his bed, according to Smiley, who was choking back tears. As Bradley lurched forward, the lollipop got lodged into his throat. Panic ensued. Smiley attempted the heimlich maneuver but then realized she had no idea what the heimlich maneuver was or how to spell either word in the phrase. So
‘pretty ok‛ threesome
See DEATH | Page 2
College celebrates one whole month without hate crimes By TONY MANZANO fastfoodinsurance@allegheny.edu
Allegheny College announced plans to host an “allout celebration” to celebrate an entire month passing without a hate crime occurring on campus. “I couldn’t be more proud of our student body for striving to become more tolerant and
inclusive of people with diverse beliefs and backgrounds,” said president Jim Mullen in a press conference announcing the celebration. “Or at least for holding back their smoldering bigotry for a measurable amount of time.” The celebration will be carnival-themed, featuring a circus, a petting zoo and a perfor-
mance by the band Creed. “Who better than Creed to mark such a momentous occasion?” said director of special events Hilary Dunlop, ‘13. “Everyone will be so busy channeling their hate towards a burned-out, vapid, post-grunge tumor that they won’t even
See LOVE | Page 2
Mosborne01/Wikimedia Commons
See THREESOME | Page 12
2 || March 30, 2012 || The Campus
[FAKE]
Admitted baby AWARD improves diversity
from page 1
“Allegheny with the work of According to Shipps, the the CDP is transforming the CDP plans to conceive of sevworld by giving this award to eral other awards to give to the president every public figures into year.” the future. Shipps expressed “We have more delight at the small Chet Shipps Chet surveys, and hence amount of news Shipps Chet Shipps awards, planned, coverage that re- Chet Shipps Chet based on questions sulted from paying a such as ‘Should polpublic relations firm Shipps Chet Shipps iticians create jobs?’ $5,000 to send out Chet Shipps Chet and ‘Which is better, press releases, take Shipps Chet Shipps the Senate or House photographs and RepresentaChet Shipps Chet of hand out Allegheny tives?’” said Shipps. ball caps to all atten- Shipps Chet Shipps CDP student feldants. Chet Shipps Chet low Maggie Blifford “The event was Shipps Chet Shipps is passionate about mentioned by a her work as part of Washington Post Chet Shipps. the CDP. blog,” said Shipps. “We are part of “Spreading the imsomething so amazportant findings of Chet Shipps ing like honoring the CDP, with my the president; seeing name attached, is an the opinions of real important goal for the college.” Americans is breathtaking,” In his acceptance speech, Blifford said. “We know what Obama accidentally referred to voters think better than anyone Allegheny as Oberlin College else because of our important and was quickly poked. statisticals.”
AlleghenyCampus.com
LOVE
from page 1
“
The Travel Mommy By LUKE WARMWATER gentleonthehands@allegheny.edu
As part of its mission to increase diversity, Allegheny admitted its first baby student. The 14-month-old Carson Reed, ’15 plans to have majors in piano performance and environmental science. “This baby is probably a prodigy, but more importantly, his admittance marks the next step in building an inclusive campus,” said Head of Diversity Initiatives Ronald Wilson.
“Allegheny is making a statement against age discrimination.” Reed is receiving the inaugural Allegheny Baby Excellence Award, which includes full-paid tuition and a motorized stroller, if still unable to walk. “Yes, blooooog,” said Reed, in tears. “Mommy.” According to the Diversity Initiatives Board, 12 more babies will be admitted as part of the class of 2016.
Drunk drivers form movement By ARIEL PARK parkandride@allegheny.edu
A group of students began a new movement on campus after the college released new data that 87 percent of students did not drive under the influence of alcohol, according to the 2011 CORE survey. The group wears shirts everyday with their motto, “We are the 13%!” “It just really opened up our eyes to how much of a minority we are now. We have to stick together,” said leader Maxwell Montgomery, ’12. “Did you know that 13% is just thirteen out of 100 people, or merely 130 out of 1,000?” The group clashed with the local chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving at Midweek MADDness at Brooks Wednesday when MADD approached the group with disdain. “They are a danger to every other person out on the road,” said Mary Park, president of MADD.
”
DEATH
from page 1 McGinnis didn’t know what Bradley choked to death. was going on until it was too Everyone began screaming late. and swearing. “It’s a really tragic situation,” “I was like HOLY SHIT he said. “Nothing like this has COCK BALLS FUCKIN ever happened before. But hey, FUCK DICKS,” said Marcus at least he won’t be using that Alderton, ’98.
Widely considered to be the greatest rock band of all time, Creed will play on campus next week
think to act prejudiced towards each other.” The event is scheduled to coincide with the upcoming Trustee Scholar weekend, providing entertainment to prospective students and parents as well as reassurance that things could be much, much worse. “I couldn’t see myself at a school where hate crimes were a part of the culture, much
less where they were tolerated by the administration for fear of bad press,” said Jessica McGrady, a high school senior who plans to visit campus for the celebration. “But Allegheny offered me a pretty hefty scholarship, and I guess a month is OK.” “I just hope no one tries to offer me condoms,” McGrady continued. “That would really put me over the edge.”
kind of language in his household anymore. I guess you could say he’s grounded for life, huh?” He then nudged me with his elbow. McGinnis considered it a lesson for students who swear.
“At least maybe people will think twice before swearing now,” he said. “Maybe this is what we need for people to realize how serious this situation is. We need to respect our neighbors.”
reminder: these stories are all faux
“This is a disgrace.” Park reportedly spilled Montgomery’s soup all over the dining hall floor, screaming, “If you keep drunk driving, it won’t be soup that will be spilled, it will be blood. And it will be on the streets instead because drunk driving is dangerous and we, as mothers, are against it.” Montgomery was very reasonable with Park, he said. “I always just want cigarettes or McDonalds when I’m drunk, and I’m sure as hell not going to walk. Plus, it’s a straight shot down the hill. If you time the lights right, you don’t even have to stop.” he said. Donny Bangladesh, another one of the 13 percent, likes the adrenaline rush. “It’s such a thrill,” said Bangladesh. The group will be holding lessons, which will be BYOB. All you need is a driver’s license. Anyone’s fake driver’s license.
LUCAS McCREADY/THE COMPOST
SUSTAINABILITY
College so proud of award Tears-to-energy approved By Sethro Matelli seatbelts@allegheny.edu
After the Environmental Protection Agency recognized Allegheny College with a Green Power Leadership Award, the college was really proud. As such, Allegheny launched an initiative to turn off the water and utilities after 7 p.m. every night. “This is an important step in leading the charge for higher education across the nation,” said Center for Democracy in Politics director and author of countless books, Chet Schipps. “For centuries humankind has advanced in knowledge without the aid of electricity or access to sanitary conditions.” The decision was approved by the board of trustees after they convened an emergency meeting to address the college’s slipping Google ratings. Results for “best college awards” fell slightly after the Department of Health and Human Services gave Wooster College the Powered Wheelchair Power Award for converting all of
its staircases into wheelchair ramps. “Think of how much publicity Allegheny will get!” said Schipps. “Sorry, my phone’s going off—Google Alerts just notified me that I’ve been mentioned in a blog on Huffington Post!” Allegheny Student Government, after noticing a comment on their new website, AlleghenyStudentG o v e r n m n e n t We e k l y G a torUpdatesToKeepEachofOurConstituentsWellInformed. Blogspot.com, excitedly began to prepare a committee to send to the trustee meeting before discovering the trustee board meeting had convened three days earlier. “Why wasn’t this reported when we brought it up for discussion?” asked ASG senator Taylor Jordan, ‘12. “We released the minutes, so The Krampus should have reported on it. I mean, I tweeted about it.” “Can I write a news story about our meeting?” she added. “I need extra credit for
News Writing.” The long recession helped to prompt the initiative, said financial advisor Barry Goldfarb. Citing a burdensome yearly tribute of $5 demanded by the City of Meadville each year to offset the purported loss of millions in property taxes, Goldfarb said the new sustainability policy will save the college millions of dollars every year. “This is only part of the initiative,” said Goldfarb. “Next semester, we will ask each student to contribute $600 per semester to the Student Activities Fee to fund a new cage-free lettuce farm. Everything we consume will be locally grown and completely organic.” “If a student can’t afford the fee, they are welcome to apply for our inclusive new work study program to haul buckets of water to the campus center for evening cleaning,” Goldfarb said. “The future is here,” Goldfarb added. “It’s about time the press reports Allegheny taking the lead again.”
By WEDGY McFARTIN mcfartin@allegheny.edu
This fall, the college will unveil a new energy-saving strategy that could increase energy autonomy and reduce the college’s waste: converting students’ tears to renewable energy. Due to the emergence of this new, obscure technology that nobody’s ever heard about, but that Allegheny’s going to implement because it’s environmentally friendly, Student Tears to Energy will rival the college’s wind energy credits plan and will speed up the college’s plan to become carbon neutral by 2020. The EPA has also given the school ¥500,000 in support of the plan. Sustainability Coordinator Belly Koulton said she came up with the idea after watching a chain of students exiting an O-Chem classroom after an exam. “I saw all of the crushed dreams and downtrodden spirits leaving that room and thought, ‘Wow, this could be turned into something really
beautiful,’” Koulton said. The emotion contained within the tears works as a magic energy elixir, said Koulton. Exacerbated by large amounts of stress and constant worry over coursework, Allegheny students are the perfect group of individuals to create pure power-producing liquid gold, she said. Each academic department will be responsible for the collection and production of their own student tears. The departments are expected to diversify their methods of tear production in accordance with the principles of their discipline. “I’m going to tell all of my students that they’re going to fail their comps and watch the energy credits roll,” said one philosophy department professor. “Our department’s got these really nice buckets that they get to cry into that say ‘Your Sadness Benefits Us All.’ It’s all very democratic. I feel like Rousseau would be proud.” The college is now looking into whether perspiration could also be converted into energy, but ASG Director of
Sustainability Ian Cauliflower is skeptical. “There’s just not the same emotive capacity in perspiration,” said Cauliflower. “Tears contain parts of your soul. Sweat contains, like, parts of your lunch.” Another positive ramification in this campaign of melancholy is a decrease in tissue waste. Tissues, which are not compostable, make up approximately 3.8448445% of Allegheny’s waste, and their overall elimination from campus will be imminent if the program succeeds. The Board of Trustees is set to approve the plan next week in an exclusive, ultra-secret transparent vote that is also transparent. Actually, this vote already happened. One student, Springtime Rain, ’14, said she is ecstatic at the thought of all of the saline that will be shed in the coming weeks. “It’s just such a great cause that I can’t help but be excited,” she said. “It’ll be great to feel like I’m not good enough.”
AlleghenyCampus.com
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|| The Compost || March 30, 2012
[FAKE] Fake editors: Sally McFarland, Sethro Mattelli
Pro-beef student activist group forms in response to vegan challenge comp By SALLY MCFARLAND catchmeridingearly@allegheny.edu
The football team has launched a Pro-Beef student activist group after a large number of participants in a recent vegan challenge comp voiced their dissatisfaction with a vegan diet. The group has already grown to 300 members. Senior Praxton Tulip was in for an unpleasant surprise yesterday when the final results of his senior project, a week-long vegan challenge, came in. Contrary to his hypothesis—that students participating in the challenge would fall madly in love with the idea of veganism by the end of the week—a whopping 90% of participants voted “1” on the end poll, which asked whether students would continue to eat a vegan diet in the future. The poll was on a scale from 1-5, ranging from “never in a million years” to “call me Mr. Bunny Foo Foo.” “I couldn’t be more surprised about the results of the experiment,” a slightly dazedlooking Tulip says. “Being vegan has been one of the best life choices I’ve made. I guess I thought that eating vegan would make at
least some other students feel good, too.” “I thought that I was gonna feel really cleansed and healthy by the end of the week,” says junior participant Sally Phlop. “But I ended up just feeling extremely frail and weak. I’m going to Burger King now and I’m gonna order a double bacon cheeseburger with extra bacon. Fuck this rabbit noise.” “We just don’t want to see an unfortunate thing like this happen again,” says Pro-Beef president and football captain Humphrey Brigg. “Allegheny students work hard. We don’t get a lot of sleep. The least we can do is eat a healthy diet.” Freshman participant Robert Fawkdanse actually fainted in McKinley’s midway through the week, due, he claims, to a lack of protein. “It was really scary,” the small-framed, wide-eyed Fawkdanse says. “I’ve only fainted a few times in my life before. I’m normally a huge meat-eater, so I think the lack of protein really threw my body for a loop.” A frazzled Tulip protests that he made sure to provide all participants with a list of alternative protein sources to use while on the vegan diet.
Nuts and beans are just a few of the many other sources of protein besides meat that vegans can eat. But for Fawkdanse and many other people who are deathly allergic to nuts, this advice of Tulip’s was essentially useless. Two professors have also promised to support the group and speak out on their behalf. “I don’t care how ‘green’ or ‘environmentally aware’ you think we are at Allegheny. That doesn’t justify forcing a vegan diet on people,” says spokesperson Professor Rinn. When reminded that students who participated in the challenge did so voluntarily, Rinn waves her hand impatiently in a “fuck off ” gesture. “If you want my opinion, meat never hurt anyone. Never,” she says. “Well, maybe a few pigs and geese, but those are animals— not living, breathing beings. I see no reason for students to enter any kind of ‘challenge’ which starves them of meat. Meat is one of our most basic human needs.” Brigg agrees with Rinn’s sentiment. “The cheer says it best: We deserve our meat! Meat can’t be beat! Down with veggies,
don’t be weak!” Brigg screams, a grin spreading across his face as he finishes and struggles to catch his breath. Tulip, who seems extremely paranoid throughout the duration of our 15-minute-long interview, expresses his impatience with the plans “This whole situation is getting out of control,” he adds exasperatedly as a loud ProBeef cheer resounds through McKinley’s from the Grille. He glances nervously around McKinley’s (Fawkdanse has hired a personal bodyguard to patrol the area where he fainted in hopes of physically assaulting Tulip). The Pro-Beef activist group is currently working on getting funding from Allegheny Student Government. Since a large number of ASG representatives participated in the challenge, hopes are high among the newlyformed group. Tulip says he’s just glad the shocking results shouldn’t have an effect on the grade he receives on his project. “I’m looking forward to trying my experiment again elsewhere,” he says. “Something tells me that I might get some better results in a different environment.”
Perverted exswim coach to return for Springfest, anticipates ‘wet, wild weekend’
Tzahy/Wikimedia Commons
Therapy dog somehow Brutal hazing makes freshman feel worse still definitely not happening at Allegheny By TONY MANZANO fastfoodinsurance@allegheny.edu
Tzahy/Wikimedia Commons
English professor admits ‘it’s all bullshit’
Tzahy/Wikimedia Commons
In the face of recent allegations of hazing at Dartmouth University, Allegheny College released a statement declaring hazing “nonexistent” within the Greek life system. “Allegheny College strives to create a respectful and safe learning community for its students,” said the statement. “That includes making sure no freshmen are forced to eat omelettes made out of human vomit.” Members of Greek life echoed the release. “I categorically deny ever being treated with anything less than the utmost respect and human dignity,” said a bruised and bleeding fraternity pledge. He requested anonymity because he was “a pussy who would never have the right to represent this fraternity.” “Pledging is about forming bonds with your brothers, not torture,” he said. “Say, do you know where I could find a stray cat?” Other members of the community were skeptical that the hazing culture had been completely eliminated at Allegheny. “My roommate went missing for a week while pledging freshman year,” said Lauren Delany, ‘13. “When she finally came back, every blemish on her body was circled in Sharpie and she started to cry every time she heard Katy Perry.” The roommate, now serving six months in Crawford County Prison for cocaine posses-
sion, could not be reached for comment. Other members of Greek life have taken to social media to voice their concerns. “My pledge brothers and I were forced to spend a sleepdeprived week in a freezing basement filled with broken glass, urine, feces and blood,” said Dev Kapoor, ‘14, a former member of the Alpha Zeta Tau fraternity, in a Facebook note. “We endured all of it just for the privilege of paying hundreds of dollar per semester so our tormentors would be our friends.” Kapoor’s post was met with hostility by other members of the Greek community. “That’s baby shit compared to what we do,” said Phil Erikson, ‘12, former president of the Chi Beta Omega fraternity. “If we were to do anything. Which we would never do.” School officials denied any knowledge of any reports of hazing, but encouraged any student who felt that they had been victimized to come forward. “Allegheny has a strong commitment to eliminating any instance of hazing and punishing any and all offenders to the fullest extent of law,” said one administrator as she pushed an immobile, vomitcovered body under her desk. “That said, hazing is not a problem at Allegheny,” she continued. “And anyone making any public waves about it should think twice before we sue them for defamation.”
www.AlleghenyCampus.com
[FAKE]
The Compost || March 30, 2012 ||
5
Fake editors: Sally McFarland, Sethro Mattelli
Literary spin-off clubs end in disaster By SETHRO MATTELLI seatbelts@allegheny.edu
SETHRO MATELLI/THE COMPOST
Student passes comp by memorizing entire script of ‘Good Will Hunting’
Several spin-off literary clubs, inspired by the wildly popular literary club Dumbledore’s Army, ended in disaster earlier this week, prompting a state-wide missing person search for victims. The Grapes of Wrath club rented a van from Security, tore off the roof, rubbed mud on the doors, and headed for a nearby patch of dirt to discuss destitution in the Meadville community. Other clubs launched more dubious initiatives. The Moby Dick Club used the ASG funds appropriated for raising awareness about endangered species to take the executive board whaling in the Pacific Ocean during spring break. Dominic “Ishmael” Lawrence, ’13, club president, believes his club’s objectives are fully in line with the college’s strategic plans. “It’s a great way to promote sustainable communities,” he shrugged, adjusting the barrel of an explosive harpoon weapon. “Whale blubber lets us burn oil lamps and save electricity.” Some clubs ended in human tragedy, however. Security found Jake Gatz, ’15, the sole member of the Forgetting Daisy Buchanan, a spin-off of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic The Great Gatsby, floating facedown in the Wise Center Pool.
“The last time I saw him, he was just staring at the green light at the CoFair intersection,” said Jeffery Smith, one of Gatz’s closest friends. “Then Security found him. I still can’t believe it.” “We’ve had our hands full this month,” admitted head security officer Greg Schmeideldeidel. “These college kids organized some kind of tournament amongst the daycare kids called ‘hunger games’ and they just turned ‘em loose in the playground after armin’ ‘em with plastic picks ‘n’ shovels. They were dressed up in funny-lookin’ costumes and threw band-aids over the fence when a cute kid cried.” “We watched it go on for about ten hours, tryin’ to figure out what was going on,” he added. “In the end, we had to take one kid home to his mommy. He was the only one. Kinda sad.” William Doubleplusgood, vice president of Dumbledore’s Army, feels personally responsible for the recent spate of tragedies that coincided with the recent explosion of literary interest. “I feel personally responsible for recent explosion of literary interest on campus,” he said. “I’m putting this on my resume.” At the time of press, the Anne Frank Diary Club has been reported missing after holding a meeting in a secret Oddfellow’s closet after dark.
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Hopping six times atop ‘echo spot’ in Senior Circle unlocks underground chamber C.I.A. admits to using chamber as secret meeting place for past 30 years By SALLY MCFARLAND catchmeridingearly@allegheny.edu
Hopping six times atop “echo spot” in Senior Circle unlocks underground chamber C.I.A. admits to using chamber as secret meeting place for past 30 years President Jim Mullen claims he was “utterly appalled” this past Wednesday to learn of the existence of a top-secret C.I.A. meeting spot nestled deep beneath the bricks of Allegheny’s Senior Circle. “I assure you, I had absolutely no idea this place existed,” Mullen insists. “This is really something the previous president, Richard Cook, should have informed me about. I’m disappointed, and, frankly, extremely confused.” Cook adamantly refused to comment on the incident. The chamber, which is 16 by 18 square feet, is situated a whopping one league (about three miles) under the ground. A spiral staircase, which takes close to an hour to descend, is the room’s only known access point. Access to the chamber is granted by jumping firmly six
consecutive times on top of the Circle’s notorious “echo spot,” the acoustically perfect location within the circle where one can hear his/her own voice resounding off the sculptures. Apparently the chamber was discovered early Wednesday morning by a local fiveyear-old girl, who was walking the campus with her grandmother when she insisted on pausing at the Senior Circle to “dance around the green thingies.” “I just knew it was a bad idea. I could feel it. I gotta sense for these kinds of things,” says the child’s grandmother, Ms. Hilda Jaffe, who now refers to the Senior Circle as “that wicked, good-fer-nothin’ circle of consternation.” “But there ain’t no stoppin’ Annabelle when she got her heart set on something,” Jaffe continues. She elaborates, saying, “I got me a wretched arthritis in my hand, which [Annabelle] knows. So she wrenched and twisted my hand ‘til I screamed in pain. I didn’t have no choice but to follow her then.” Annabelle frolicked merrily in the circle for a few minutes before grabbing her grand-
mother’s hands and jumping up and down numerous times (to Ms. Jaffe’s great discontent). She happened to be standing on the echo spot. “It was the devil’s work,” Jaffe says. “All of the sudden, Annabelle started sinkin’ down on top of that evil brick. I tried to grab her away, but some kinda i n v i s i b l e Hilda Jaffe force pushed Local Grandmother me so goddamn hard b a c k w a rd s I almost broke my old, tired head.” After the bricks concealing the staircase to the chamber had shifted considerably, the “force” Jaffe describes subsided enough for her to run over to a dazed Annabelle and carry her away. “I don’t care what you say ‘bout the confarned C.I.A. That right there was the stair-
“
case to Hell,” Jaffe says, shaking her head and spitting on the ground. Jaffe reported the incident immediately at the closest oncampus building: the Tippie Alumni Center. She claims that as she was ascending the staircase, she felt as if she were being watched. “Like I said, I gotta sense for these kindsa things,” Jaffe says. “So I was climbin’ the staircase, you know, the one with all those creepy old pictures of rich people—and I got a funny feeling, and I looked ‘round—and I swear to ya, I see a pair of eyes movin’ behind a painting right by my head!” The painting, which was of Timothy Alden, was later discovered to be just one among 25 within the building with eye-holes cut out. Once the incident was re-
“I don’t care what you say ‘bout the confarned C.I.A. That right there was the staircase to Hell.”
”
ported, it didn’t take long for explanations to start fizzling out—from anonymous sources. The alumni working in Tippie have remained mysteriously silent on the entire issue. “Holes? In the portraits? Ummm…” says ’77 alumna Karen Grimstone. “I don’t know anything about that. Actually, I heard someone complaining of mice down on the lower floor. Maybe they just like the taste of paint?” The Compost received an anonymous phone call the day after the incident from an exCIA agent who helped in the construction of the chamber during the 1970s. He refused to provide his name, as the information he provided us with is extremely confidential “We decided that Allegheny would be the perfect place for our Northeastern secret meeting spot because Meadville is essentially in the middle of nowhere,” says the source. “Plenty of Allegheny graduates go on to become members of the CIA, so we knew we had connections.” “How do you think Allegheny got the money to build Tippie?” the source adds.
“It’s the government’s way of saying, ‘Thanks for housing our secret headquarters.’” Now that this ‘chamber of secrets’ has been revealed, the entire Senior Circle has been sectioned off with a six-foothigh wall of bricks. However, a few students have managed to climb over the wall to test out the staircase. “Those students will suffer strict consequences,” Mullen says firmly. “This chamber is not something to be toyed with. We don’t know what powers it might possess.” The ex-CIA agent says he is certain that the chamber will be deconstructed as soon as possible. “I’m guessing they won’t be able to extinguish the whole thing until summer starts. Things are going to get messy. You can’t just rip out a secret chamber from three miles under the ground,” he says. Mullen says that no matter what, the Senior Circle will remain intact.
6 ||March 30, 2012 || The Compost
[ FA K E ] Sports editor : Tulip Blossom
sports! This whole page was written by Lucas McCready Senior swimmer Milton Johnson may have gone out on top, but now that his career is over, he is terrified of the prospect of people seeing that his hair has done the same thing. Over the years, fans of Allegheny swimming has come to love seeing Johnson’s bald head bobbing in and out of the pool as he cruised to numerous school and NCAC records in the breast stroke. While everyone has assumed that Johnson’s shiny dome was self-inflicted, the truth is that he has been balding since before he reached college. “I hit puberty when I was like 8, it’s part of the reason why I was so good at swimming” Johnson said. “But by the time I was 16, my hairline started receding like I was 28. So I figured I would just let it fall out and say I had a shaved head so I could swim faster.” Johnson announced his pattern baldness at a press conference shortly after claiming his fourth consecutive NCAC title in the 200 meter breast stroke. Johnson held back tears as he explained how his hormones have forced him to live a lie for the past six years, dating back to his junior year of high school. The conference was silent, with a few giggles here and there. “I know all those trophies must be cool, but that really sucks for him,” said Wooster breast-stroker Marty Tinkerton between chuckles. “I mean he doesn’t even have a girlfriend. He’s screwed in the
Football pushing for BCS system in Division III, thinks it will help them actually make the playoffs The consecutive seasons that the football team has failed to reach the playoffs are starting to add up, but sources inside the program are saying that they are just victims of the system. The team started a Facebook group Wednesday titled, “Bring the BCS to Division III,” citing that they would probably have a better chance of making the playoffs if they just let the computers decide. “Making the playoffs is really hard,” said a guy with an “A” on his hat (I assumed he was the coach). “I mean, they can’t expect us to make the playoffs if that means we have to beat Wabash and Wittenberg in the regular season. They’re really good.” While Division III does not have any bowls, the coach maintains that it would still be a great way to fill out the playoff bracket. Athletic Director Franklin Turtleman believes adopting the system would be a step towards maximizing the experience of playing sports at Allegheny.
post-college dating world.” After a brief pause, Tinkerton straight up guffawed, then bent at the waist and supported himself with his arm against the wall. Johnson remains hopeful about his future, though, as he has already weighed many options to avoid having to admit he’s a bald 22-year-old. “I’ve got a wig guy lined up already,” he said with confidence. “He got in the field last year after he killed it at his internship at the wig factory.” But as might be expected of a four-time champion, Johnson has a plan B lined up in case his wig scenario doesn’t work. “I’ll just tell everyone I have cancer,” he said.
“As it stands right now, only the best teams make it to the playoffs,” said Turtleman, who joined the Facebook group. “College is about failing and learning from your mistakes, and if our athletes can’t get a shot at the playoffs after going around .500 in the regular season, then how will they learn?” I asked the coach about how even if the proposed system is put in place, losing to the two best teams in the NCAC will still most likely hurt their BCS ranking. He was just plain unprofessional. I said, “But coach, your logic doesn’t really make any sense. Having two losses will still probably drop your computer ranking too low to get a bid.” Then he said, “Your face doesn’t make any sense.” Then I said, “What are you talking about?” Then he said, “Strength of schedule.” Then I said, “Bye” and left and wrote this.
more sports!
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“God dammit, now I’m going to have to play IM soccer to keep from getting fat. Those refs suck, too. Fuck you Stupid Center.”
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Mark Stetson Some idiot gym rat
Wise Center is really stupid Director of the NCAC Academic Standards committee Deborah Masterson made an announcement Tuesday that reminded the Allegheny sports world that no one, or perhaps more specifically, no thing, is above the laws of academic eligibility. Allegheny College officials were shocked to hear that the Wise Center, once thought a pillar of, well, wisdom, failed to meet the minimum GPA re-
quirement of 2.0 for this past semester. As punishment, the gym will now be called the Stupid Center until it can prove that it is back in good standing with The College. In addition, the NCAC ruled that no one is allowed to use the Stupid Center during this period, as it needs time off to focus on school. “On behalf of all the floor space, batting cages, exercise machines, pools, free weights
and raquetball courts, but not the naked old men in the locker room, I sincerely apologize to the Allegheny community for my academic carelessness,” the Stupid Center announced in a press release. “I just hope that Allegheny sports can find a way to practice without me. I also encourage the Allegheny community to find alternative methods of exercise, since it will definitely get fat if it doesn’t.”
Director of Athletics Franklin Turtleman explained that the facility just needs to get back to the balance it once displayed. “I spoke with the gym, and it agreed that it needs to get back to closing and opening earlier. It will also make sure that everyone gets his or her IDs beeped in at the front desk,” she said. “The Learning Commons will be working closely to make
sure that this happens. I expect the Wi—Stupid Center to get a better grade in its Junior Sem this time around and be open for the fall season.” Students were devastated by the announcement. “I’m gonna get like, so fat,” said Marcia Klegg, ’14. “I can’t exercise unless I can tell everyone on Facebook where I’m exercising.” This dude, Mark Stetetson or something, I talked to was
equally pissed. “Just try to tell me where else I can go to lift heavy things. I need to lift, man,” he said. He then realized that his only way to exercise was to now participate in outdoor intramural sports. “God dammit, now I’m going to have to play IM soccer to keep from getting fat. Those refs suck, too. Fuck you Stupid Center.”