that this would wake her up to what she was doing to herself, our relationship and to me. I hoped that this would be the end of the drinking. And it was for about three weeks. After she started drinking again, I realised that none of the control I tried to impose, not any outside influence was going to force her to stop drinking. I was powerless to change her or her drinking. After a terrible argument one afternoon, I sat in the lounge on my own and seriously considered suicide. This thought frightened me enough to visit my GP, who listened patiently before prescribing me a course of anti-depressants and advising me to see a counsellor. It served as a wake-up call for me. I hadn’t paid attention to how much of myself I had given up in order to take care of Emma, nor had I considered the cost on my own health and well-being. I’d completely lost myself to her and her alcoholism. Slowly I began to realise that trying to change Emma was a hopeless cause. I could, however, change myself. I joined a Buddhist group and started strengthening my own life. I learned how to respect myself and stand in the centre of my life. And when she decided to end our relationship one night after a few drinks, I decided that I had enough too. In the sober light of day, when she admitted she hadn’t meant it as she was drunk, I told her that I was no longer prepared to put up with the drinking and cutting, and perhaps it would be best that we both move on. Making that adjustment after four years of living together wasn’t easy. What would have been easy was for me to allow bitterness, resentment and blame to take me over. I decided I’d experienced enough of that during the relationship. It was by no means a fast process. I still get uncomfortable in social situations where people are drinking alcohol. What I didn’t know back then was that there were organisations that I could have turned to, Al-Anon being one of them. w w w
.
a l i c e m a g a z i n e
.
c o
.
z a
I chose to view the time that Emma and I were together as a learning experience, determined to grow within myself and rebuild my selfesteem. The most valuable lesson I took from my experience with her is that there is no way an alcoholic will change – they need to make that decision for themselves. The only change I could make in the situation, was changing my own life, accepting responsibility for my place in what was happening around me and moving on. The journey is ongoing, and I continue it even today.
How do you know if someone’s drinking is affecting your life? The questions below are used by Al-Anon: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.
Do you worry about how much someone else drinks? Do you feel if the drinker loved you, he or she would stop drinking to please you? Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking? Are plans frequently upset or cancelled or meals delayed because of the drinker? Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking? Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath? Do you blame the drinker’s behaviour on his or her companions? Do you search for hidden alcohol? Do you make threats, such as “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you?” Do you often ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking? Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout? Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety? Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behaviour? Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved? Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking? Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse? Do you sometimes feel like a failure when you think of the lengths that you have gone to, to control the drinker? Do you even threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker? Do you feel angry, confused or depressed most of the time? Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems? You can get in touch with Al-Anon on: 0861 25 26 66 or Email: help@alanon.org.za
I
s s u e
03–2011 ∫
77