100% TRUE STORIES - MY SELF PORTRAIT
MY ALISON CHRISTIE UNIT THREE SEPT 2017
Spooky sPUtLLoOry UT
e f i l l a e R
HOUND OF LOVE
Cheat made my life complete
SEX CHANGE NAN
became a man in front of me
● FASHION ● UAL FOOD ● PETS ● TRAVEL ● PUZZLES
D E R E D R U IM MY BOSS P LUS!
I live next door to Lemmy stroked Cillas dead husband my tattoo
Full House psychic special
‘My real life’
I’ve made it to unit three and the final work for my MA is this psychic - real life magazine self portrait. I’ve tried to use parts of my life that reflect what would be found in a real life magazine - so it is made up of several strong features, ‘Nan changed sex in front of me,’ which led me to my fascination with all paranormal things. Then there is ‘Did I murder my boss?’ - I wont give it away here you’ll have to read it to find out!..and of course the triumph over tragedy love story - ‘Lying love rat gave me back my life..’ Added to the mix is my celeb round up, fashion, cookery (inspired by Wimbledon college’s katsu curry - gladly I won’t have to attempt to eat ever again!) There are puzzles and pets too. I’ve had an interesting life - from living in Berlin at the age of 11, visiting East Berlin and
travelling on the British Military train, to our fascinating holidays we had in Bavaria and Venice. Then my time as a boarder in Windsor Girls School, an ex-Nazi barracks in Hamm, Germany for army children. I then went onto art college in Brighton and East Ham which led to Chat magazine. What a brilliant job - the fun, the press trips and meeting so many fascinating friends including six weeks in Durban creating Chat for the South African market, fashion and cover shoots in Cape Town and Miami, my first press trip to Tanzania and Zanzibar and of course my lovely family - and the newest addition in the way of the twins...and now I’m looking forewards to what’s to come! Alison Christie firstname.lastname@example.org 07889485017
A SELF PORTRAIT
I SAW MY NAN CHANGE SEX It began as an ordinary monday...
DID I MURDER MY BOSS? There was no other explaination
THE EVERLASTING ANORAK Scarred for life by fashion
LYING LOVE RAT
He gave me the best gift...
18 PAGES OF
MY SPOOKY STORY ROUNDUP Ghostly things from my life
BEATEN BY THE HAIRY BIKERS But not how you are thinking
My first oil painting
hung outside the heads office at school!
Nannie and Granddad strange things happened in their house
MY FAMILY LIFE
Happy memories from an interesting life
FAMOUS SHORT STORY ROUND UP Rubbing shoulders (and other things) with the stars
REGULARS Welcome page Fashion
4 pages of leopard print
Insomnia and Dyslexia
family holidays through the years
Stars for September
goes Ghost hunting
o t e m o c l We Ginge
..but she was happy to dress me up!
When I was born my Nana said to mum, â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Oh, June what a disappointment!
Enjoying the beach at Swanage, with Neal and Kay
I loved my ballet at this age and passed my exam with honours
This looks like a catalogue shoot for jumpers - with a stunning Austrian back ground
Not sure what we thought we were up to here!
A SELF PORTRAIT
...was my fave pony when we started riding at the stables in Berlin
I didn’t know I had been entered by my art editor for IPC designer of the year!
I was really into the punk and goth scene
Featuring in the magazine in my first proper job!
Taking the Micky
We met on a press trip to Florida!
Working on the latest cover at Chat magazine
JUST4 FU N!
Dad was big in the ‘Am Dram’ world in Cheam. I was recruited to be a fairy one year never again!
Stars in my eyes
There was always drinking and fun to be had on Chat magazine!
an you work out who this famous singer/ songwriter is? CLUE he’ s also known as the Prince of Darkness Your answer
A SELF PORTRAIT
N A N Y M W A IS
CHANGE S T
It was a normal visit to my nannie day in Morden
he day began normally enough, I was around 27 years old at the time and living around the corner from my Nannie in Morden and as I often did - I thought I’d pop round
and see her. I had just begun freelancing and was building my reputation and client base at the time and was a bit fed up as work was a bit slow. The weather was quite nice, I recall, and Nannie and I went into the kitchen at the back of the house where she was going to make a cup of tea. The back door was open and I could
see her roses and hear children playing in their nearby gardens. I remember distinctly Nannie had a yellow and white stripy plastic curtain that keeps out flies across the back door- you realised that she was staring know the sort at me intently that is lots of - and then the “You young hanging tassels weirdest thing you get caught in people want happened. She as you try to go talking in things NOW!” started through it! It was a man’s voice! she angrily blowing in the It was deep and shouted breeze. strong. Now I sat on the my Nan was as at me small stool straight laced as opposite the they come and back door and waited for never messed about or joked my tea. Suddenly Nannie bowed her head and put out a hand to steady herself against the work top. I looked up and
Mum Where it happened Nannie’s house in Morden above, looking very normal indeed! Nannie and Granddad in the garden checking over the roses.
Mums’ mum (Nana)
ange back again!!!! (as Nana did). Her body took on a different younger stance and she entered into a long dialogue aimed at me! “You young people want things NOW!” she angrily shouted at me - pointing her finger and then banging her fist into the palm of the other hand with a strength I couldn’t believe. I was glued to my stool unsure whether to laugh it off or reply. What I did know was that I was
Dad Dads’ mum (Nannie)
rather intimidated by her or was it HIM???? This carried on for Chinese man what seemed like Above left - Nannie as she might have and eternity to me... looked as a chinese wondering what was man and above as she normally was going to happen next! It was her Chinese ‘spirit guide’ who had come to give me advice on my life he explained. It must have been about 20 minutes It never did happen again, - and try as I might, I can’t but I went away quite shaken remember much of the actual having seen something I message, although clearly it’s couldn’t really had its impact understand, and stayed with and it did make me ever since it Dad, whose nervous to happened. mum she was, me visit again! Not Eventually thought it long after I was she bowed her chatting to mum head, and her was was a and mentioned body visibly load of incident. slumped...and ‘poppycock’ the Mum was really she looked up interested as she and was Nannie had seen Nannie again! giving ‘hands on healing’, “Shall I make that tea to my brother who had been then,?” she asked! hospitalised after a motorbike “Nannie, never do that to me accident, but had never heard again,” I pleaded, but to this of her speaking in tongues. day I shall never know if she On reflection I wish she just ignored me or genuinely had done it again as I would didn’t hear me!
Nannie as I knew her have paid far more attention and possibly asked her more questions. Mum believed me - but my dad whose mum she was, said he thought she made it all up and was a load of ‘poppycock’ (what ever that may be!) So here I am 25 years later and it still is clear in my memory. One thing Nannie did say to me was that one day I would discover just how psychic I was - so maybe one day I’ll be doing the talking in tongues!
This true story of destiny continues over the page
MY T O F O P U D N U O R A IS ...AND HERE A SELF PORTRAIT
SPOOKY From the ghost in my spare room to the smell of leather in Edinburgh - my life has been filled with spookiness...
‘Jack’- the ghost in my spare room!
ooking around the room - I smoothed down the leopard print quilt cover and pillow. My friend Julie was coming to stay for the night so I was getting the spare room ready. We had met earlier in the year in Greece where we had both attended an astrology course and hit it off immediately. Julie runs a ghost hunting company in her spare time...Ghostly gatherings with the angels (bit of a mouthful!) and I had recently been ghost hunting at
Amhurst fort with her..(see below) After we had eaten, had a few wines and caught up with the gossip we said good night and she went up to bed. In the morning I asked how she slept and she replied, “Once I told the ghost to leave me alone I slept really well!.” The ghost had been pulling the covers off her! She encouraged me to send photos of the room to a medium who said it was inhabited by a ghost called Jack who had lived here many years ago. I need to find out just who Jack is....
Nana and the Gurkhas
oth my nans used to attend the Spiritualist Church in Morden. My Nannie did hands on healing and Nana would be part of the ‘circle’ attending. They both believed in life after death and ghosts. It was on one visit to Nana’s flat in Raynes Park one day when she mentioned that she regularly saw Gurkhas ‘marching through her living room’ the even odder thing was that she could only see them from their knees high upwards as though the floor was a foot lower! She often said that Granddad would come and sit in his chair in the evenings beside her (he had died many years before.) At that age I couldn’t work out why she wasn’t scared and even seemed comforted.
Ghost hunting in Edinburgh
achel and I were given a press trip to Edinburgh to do some ghost hunting - this was for Its fate. It was freezing cold up in Scotland, but we were looking forwards to the weekend ahead as we travelled up first class on the train (those were the days!). We had a busy itinerary but the bit we couldn’t wait for was the visit to the vaults below the city, which was famed for its hauntings, Spoooky!!!! In fact one of my most vivid memories is of our guides warning us repeatedly that if we were of weak disposition then we shouldn’t go down there as it could affect a person in many different ways including
many visitors vomiting! ‘Well,’ I thought Well, I thought - ‘they are really anything - that was until we they are really scare scaremongering mongering and getting came to a corner of a vast us all worked up before and getting us vault. This was explained we go! where the ‘tannery’ had all worked up as It was musty and been. It was at that point that before damp and cavernous, I suddenly got the strongest we go in!’ and I admit pretty scary, smell of new leather which but then I have a vivid was unmistakable. I asked if imagination. Our guide anyone was carrying a new talked as he led us through the dark leather bag but the response was negative. vaults - telling us of the life that would There was no way that smell would have have been found down there in ‘olden stayed there for hundreds of years - I times!’ Some of our party said they came out of those vaults keen to discuss could ‘feel’ spirits but I couldn’t ‘feel’ with Rachel over a well deserved pint!
ne Saturday evening I drove down to Fort Amhurst in Kent to go ghost hunting with Julie who runs ‘Ghostly gatherings with the Angels’ a ghost hunting company. We had special permission to visit the underground vaults of this fort during the evening when visitors had left. The crew had a range of recording and sound equipment to pick up vibrations. It was really very eerie. The scariest bit for me was when a door banged shut in the office (where no breeze could have been) and one of the ghost hunters fell into a strange trance and started behaving oddly. Lala was barking at the door and this for me was enough to leave and not return!
hilst working on it’s fate, I attended a develop your psychic powers course. At the time I was a member of the ‘Crazy Gang’, supporters of Wimbledon FC who were in the Premiership. The first experiment we had to do was to sit next to a stranger and concentrate to pick up ‘their energy’ and say the first thing that entered your mind. Now it was Saturday and I was aware I was missing a match for this but I still couldn’t get football out of my head. The lady I was ‘reading’ was blonde and very feminine, not a football type at all. Hard as I tried I couldn’t think of anything else and blurted out, ‘football’! Turns out she had a huge Sunderland FC tattoo on her right arm! I was the only one who got anything right!
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T â&#x20AC;&#x2122; N O D MISS
! 100U%E TR
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ey were told to me ue..they are as th all stories are trthe narrator asked for the unless ged names to be chan
THE PRIVATE VIEW WIMBLEDON MA DRAWING SHOW SEPT 7TH
A SELF PORTRAIT
an you spot the 10 differences in these pictures taken from my Peer workshop. My collegues had to create a magazine front cover that represented themselves. Sorry no prizes - this is ‘Just for Fun!’
JUST4 FU N
A SELF PORTRAIT
E F I L Y L I M A MY F
I’ve had some wonderful times and many happy memories - here I share a few of the landmark ones
ad was posted to Berlin when I was only 11. It was a time of mad fashion and music and it certainly opened my eyes to the world. I didn’t understand the politics of East and West but was fascinated by the American and French sectors. We moved around Germany, to Münster and Soest, and when the family were posted home
again I was left to be a boarder in Windsor Girls school in Hamm. It had previously been a Nazi barracks. I now realise how unique my formative years have been! But my happiest times have been with my family. Christmas in the Christie household was the best. Not having children of my own means my sisters’ twins form a very important part of my life.
My boarding school - an ex Nazi barracks
Berlin in the 70’s
- made a huge impact on me, it was a million miles away from Cheam!
Mum, Nana and me Three generations!
Me and the nans
enjoying a Chrismas sherry
A family get together with red wine of course
The girls - how cute were they?!
Lorna, our cousins, 50th birthday party...it WAS fancy dress
Mum and Dad at their golden wedding anniversary party
Dad as Thomas Moore - in a Man for all Seasons. He was a great amateur thespian and won Somerset Actor of the Year.
Family festival fun
Last year we went to Sziget festival in Budapest
A SELF PORTRAIT
MY BOSS? C
A bit of fun on firework night turned sinister...
ome round on Saturday and we can have a bonfire party,’ my friend Karen said to me the week before the 5th of November. We are going back a few years now, the heydays of Chat magazine where our workmates were our family and our friends. We socialized constantly and shared experiences together. We had met at East Ham tech doing graphics and become close friends bonding over punk music and gigs. Work was good
but we all moaned about our art editor at the time. She was much older and quite honestly, a bit of a kill -joy. It wasn’t that we didn’t work hard - we all did so that made her behaviour worse. If we coughed at work we were given a vitamin C tablet to make sure we weren’t off sick the next day! She had a mirror positioned on her computer so that she could see all of the department behind her and
what we were doing! If we were unwell - it was a terrifying prospect phoning in to let her know. Her attitude would be frozen and her speech monosyllabic, demanding when we would be better! So my plan as a bit of fun was to make a life sized dummy of our boss - wearing trackie bottoms and navy sweatshirt - her uniform for work. To cap it off I made a life sized mask of her face to attach to our ‘guy’. I thought Id done a great job and so did Frazier my cat, who wandered into the living room and thought
Are we all to blame?
Above Frazier sat on the dummy’s lap, left, the Chat art department right, Kings reach tower where IPC magazines offices were based
she was a real person so sat on ‘her’ lap! I so wish I had taken a photo now! In fact I did take many pics this night but they are nowhere to be found and I’ve asked my accomplices and they don’t know either! How we laughed in the taxi to Karen’s house when the cabby told us only 5 people could get in the cab! Had to point out one wasn’t real! Ken, Karen’s husband had built a huge bonfire in the middle of their garden in Coulsdon. The beers were flowing and everyone was having a great time .....Ken put on an awesome firework display and finally it was time to burn the guy. I must admit a few shivers went up my
Tried & tested Malbec
My fave tipple - and I’ve tried most Malbecs out there! Fire alarm!
We watched as the flames engulfed her...
I have magic powers? Had I spine as we threw her on the created a voodoo dummy? I fire but that didn’t last as we was the one who had the idea joked about keeping this night and also created the effigy. a secret as we would never live Soon it was Christmas it down if she ever got wind of and the parties that used to what we were doing! All in all accompany it. There was a real it was a great night and I can drinking culture associated remember secretly getting the with publishing girls together to in those days and look at the photos we embraced it once they were Did I have the magazine. developed. magic powers? on It was at one of From what I Had I these drink ups remember work created a that we finally was normal for got to talk to a few weeks voodoo our editor as and then all of dummy? up to that time a sudden our we hadn’t got art editor didn’t friendly with appear one day her or the other departments. - or the next and we never We had all had some cocktails saw here again. in Freuds in Covent Garden Juliet became art editor and when we came clean about Chat became a much nicer the burning of the guy and our place for the art department. editor laughed for ages. She With our old boss we were had no idea we had disliked her discouraged from talking or and admitted that in fact she mixing with other departments had been asked to leave and both from a work point of view given a pay off as the Editor and also from a social one... found her difficult we had really been under the and defensive!!! thumb....which from a work At last the truth was out point of view plus there wasn’t and honestly I actually felt really email then, made our art relieved....our editor thought it editor the point of contact for hysterical that I thought I might the rest of the magazine. have killed her! I was a bit concerned. Did
4/5 Morador Malbec Sainsburys Taste the Difference A bit sharp for me - better with food but if someone brings it round I won’t moan!
Mendoza Malbec Tesco ‘finest’
Again not as fruity as I like it but let’s face it - it’s red and it’s wine - bring it on!
Trivento Argentinian Malbec YUM. My tipple of choice, and at 12.5% you can get a few down you before getting a banging headache. Marvellous!
FOR MORE ! AMAZING WORK
CHECK OUT MY WEBSITE AT www.alisonchristieart.com
A traumatic story of bad fashion
G N I T S A L R E V E E H T it scarred me for life
Though it seems it’s affected my sister more as she still mentions it!
his is a story that I remember when I wore it started a long, long I couldn’t bend my arms time ago when we because there was so much first moved to Berlin material gathered together. in 1971, so I must It wasn’t even that warm.... have been 11. The rest of The weather the story is When I wore more about over there got really cold and how at a it I couldn’t I can recall bend my arms family get there being four because there together foot of snow. the anorak was so much is always Mum clearly thought we mentioned! material needed colder Mum never weather gear understood and so we took a trip the fuss .....but now I’ve to C&A to acquire some discovered these old photos wonderful ’70s fashions. But that show Kay (my little sister) it wasn’t to be! I ended up with wearing the said item FIVE this bright red, oversized boys YEARS LATER and it still is anorak and my sister had a cute, big on her! In fact in the last funky, tight fitting patterned picture I seem to have swapped one with a hood which was with her for the smaller coat! really pretty trendy. From what Happy memories indeed!
First outing in Berlin
1976 Berlin in the snow
Munster - still looking large!
A SELF PORTRAIT
Fashion and home
Pussy Galor Following in my mums’ footsteps with a passion for animal print
It wasn’t real! Mum looking deadly serious in the snow
Real leather bum bag Camden market £25.00
Silk bomber jacket
Camden market £15.00
50 dalasi from the beach in the Gambia
Primark, no idea how much!
Sunglasses A present!
4 pages of fashion and home Lamp shade
Home made! Kit was £8 I chopped up a tassled sarong
Vest top Amazon £6.00
I think this was a present
Hair clip Primark
So old I really can’t remember where they came frome!
A SELF PORTRAIT
Fashion and home
Lala rocks the leopard look Dog coat £6 Amazon
Simply-Be £35 bargain!
Lalas christmas pressie from Auntie Lizzie and Uncle Pheasant
Socks and jewellery case
Both from Primark
4 pages of fashion and home Tea light holder
Been in my house forever
Benefit, unused I just like the box
Cheap and nasty bag Must be from Primark!
Compulsory for Gambian beach action
Christiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; from Debenhams circa 1990
Only a year old Havaianas
MY MY A SELF PORTRAIT
JUST4 FU N!
How many chihuahuas! Test your eyesight with this puzzle! Can you tell which dog is Lala ?
Who am I?
Iv’e disguised this famous singer, who he is?
Which is which?
hese are my sister’s twins, Chloe and Jade. Dressed up. But can you spot which of the two this is??
What am I? This is a close up of an everyday object what is it?
ANSWER: I’ve no idea!
% 0 10
E U R T
...and now for the
spooky stories all stories are true..they are as they were told to me unless the narrator asked for the names to be changed
A SELF PORTRAIT
I have suffered from night terrors since I was a teenager. It was mostly linked to my fear of spiders and I would often start screaming in my sleep and hallucinate that spiders were falling on me or something was trying to hurt me. I also talk in my sleep. Not so much these days, but it does still happen when I'm stressed or have a lot on my mind. When I was at University I was sharing a single bed with my boyfriend. He said that he woke up in the middle of the night to hear me having a conversation in what sounded like a foreign language. I was happily chatting away, but he didn't recognise the language I was speaking. We'd been together long enough for him to know not to wake me up, but he asked me who I was talking to. I turned and looked at him and said in English: "Don't worry, I'm just talking to them in Danish." And then carried on the conversation. I don't speak Danish and my boyfriend couldn't guarantee that I was actually talking in that language, but he said it sounded like a proper conversation rather than just gobbledegook. It was very odd. ANON
spooky pull out
So i was on my way to manor Park Gardens with my daughter and all of a sudden JOE ABSOLOM popped into my head. Then about five minutes later...I was in the park and struggling with bolt on one of the gates. I heard a voice say: 'let me do that. ' looked up. It was JOE ABSOLOM TRACIE
8 YEARS AGO I SAW A TAROT READER IN GLASTONBURY WHO TOLD ME THAT I WOULD BUY A HOUSE WITH A BLUE DOOR AND SMALL PAVED GARDEN. TODAY I LIVE IN A HOUSE WITH A BLUE DOOR AND SMALL PAVED GARDEN AND AM VERY HAPPY THERE I USE TAROT CARDS AS A GUIDE. I CHOOSE A CARD EVERYDAY. TODAY I GOT 6 SWORDS-SAILING INTO CALMER WATERS AFTER A TURBULENT TIME. JANICE
A SELF PORTRAIT
Oh. I told you my daughter tHat died lives here didnt i.? All tHe family have heard and sensed her... if you shut middle bedroom door you cant sleep. Door is never closed Both kids slept in there Sense her, hear her - She has always been about 4 years old Still is... Visitors say they hear things and we all look aT each other... ‘kelly’ we say lol.x LINDA
spooky pull out
I’ve visited 3 psychics in the past who all told me I’d live abroad (tick) and have a business with my partner (tick) and be an older mother (tick) The last one told me I’d have one son (tick)
I was writing a piece about psychics and whether they really could talk to the dead. (my parents died when I was a teenager was a bit obsessed) I spoke to 5 people. One woman told me that the woman who gave me the ring with blue stone and had red hair was in room with me now. I was wearing my mums engagement ring with a sapphire! My mum had red hair. This was by phone so psychic couldn't see me. The 5th psychic told me about a man from Whitley bay who was trying to get in touch. My dad lived in Whitley bay! It was incredibly moving for me and got lovely messages from them both. Really comforting. Still don't understand it but they were such specific details that couldn't question it. X SUZY
The clairvoyant I visited after my Dad died said he was sitting in a deck chair looking out at the view with a drink in his hand. 14 years later and I have just got his camera film developed. One of the photos was of a row of deck chairs facing the sea. It felt like a sure sign he is indeed out there relaxing just like she said.
I’m convinced a hotel I stayed in in Prague was haunted so was my boyf. When in the shower there was a definite presence in the room on the other side of the curtain. We mentioned it to staff who just said ‘oh yeah that ghost!’ RACHEL
A SELF PORTRAIT
I was at a subbing course crashed down on the floor next in Rugby for five days and we all had our own rooms in a newish-build block.
to my bed (about 10 ft). I jumped out of bed and saw that the duvet and the other
On the penultimate night, we had bed sheet were now under the all been to the pub (as on all the other nights!!!) and I rolled into me room and fell asleep around 1am. I was woken up by the sheet
window â&#x20AC;&#x201C; again ten feet away! The journos in the rooms either side of me were hammering on the door by this
on my bed being dragged from
point because the noise had
me â&#x20AC;&#x201C; even though I was partially
been so loud!
laid on it! I started to sit up and a drawer
Bit scary! I went down to the reception
from the set at the other end
at the college the next morning
of the room flew past me and
and told them there had been
spooky pull out
Years ago when I was working in an office in Lower Regent Street I had this experience. My desk was next to a window and on the building opposite there was a lot of work going on and and quite a bit of scaffolding. I never really took much notice of it. However, One night I had a dream that one of the men working there fell from the scaffolding and died. The next day I told one of the girls I was was working with about the dream. Later that day we saw in the press that this had actually happened and someone had died.
strange goings on in room 56 (not actually sure of the number)... and they said: "That's odd. That's never happened before!" I was SO sure they would tell me it was a common occurrence! I did a bit of research on the college cos I was a bit freaked out and it turned out that the new block was built on a monk's graveyard!! Wooooooooo!!!!
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I went on a ritual astral travel once and went off for quite a long time (with the aid of some shaman - juice ie a bottle of wine. Anyway, when I came back into my body I did some sort of crash landing and my head jerked forward and bashed into my altar. AMANDA
When I was 18 I was awoken by a 7 yr old girl ghost at my best friends house We did some research and She'd died 100 yrs before JUSTIN
spooky pull out
Right, so my grandmother was
was from St George's Cathedral in the city
psychic (born in a caul like an
(Cape Town) and that he had been called to
animal, for which her mother was
help her with the evil spirit. She noticed that
offered a large amount of money
he was driving a red sports car, which she
by a ship's captain as it was believed to protect vessels at sea â&#x20AC;&#x201C; but she refused him
thought was a paradox. He stayed for a cup of tea and blessed the
and burned it). She was able to predict many
house and my grandmother, although he
events, deaths and so on all her life and so
did not perform an exorcism like you see in
was my own mother; a line of witches.
She also saw many spirits and was often
When my grandfather came back from
troubled by malevolent ones, including
work, she thanked, and scolded, him for
a poltergeist which used to pull up her
causing a fuss â&#x20AC;&#x201C; but was comforted that
nightdress and throw her out of bed
Father XXX had come to the house.
violently. My grandfather, a serious and cynical man, was witness to this and swore
Of course, my grandfather had never called St George's Cathedral and, on further
later on that it was all true and that he would investigation, there was no priest by that see her being flung across the room. No one
name on their records. But that
else knew about it at the time as she did not
particular spirit did not assault her
want to scare the children etc.
Anyway, one afternoon when she was home alone, there was a knock at the door and she opened it to a man dressed as a priest, he told her his name and said he
A SELF PORTRAIT
to England and hadn't seen or heard of him for I was sixteen and on holiday in Ireland a least 10 years. NO ONE in that caravan knew anything about my father. I was told to ask if it with 3 friends. We were staying was him which I did. The glass stated to move and in a large caravan just outside of this time spelt out F.O.R.M.E.R. What I didn't tell Ardmore, a seaside village in Co. you is that my father is Carl Cxxxxx Jr. Waterford. We had befriended I asked if it was my grandfather, Carl Cxxxxx the kids around our age who were on holiday Sr., but I don't remember the exact reply. I asked also. One night after a day of fun, drinking and dancing at the local disco a group of 8 or so went if my mother would ever return to America, the answer was 'no'. I then asked if my back to the caravan. One guy was a sister would go back, the answer was little bit older that most of us and he Then 'yes' and when I asked why the answer suggested that we try a seance using someone was L.O.V.E. Both were eventually a ouija board. we cleared a table and asked, shown to be true. then someone asked wrote out the letters of the alphabet ‘Are you and a 'yes' and 'no' then arranged the Devil?’ "are you the Devil" at which point the glass, with our fingers still on it moved them in a circle and placed an very quickly back and forth on the overturned glass in the middle of the table then flew off. One of the girls immediately circle. At this point my only concentration was cried out in pain and showed us what looked like to try a not fall off the chair as I had had a few a burn blister on her finger that had been on drinks and was feeling a little tipsy. I don't remember the exact words or sequence the glass. At this point two guys walked in to the caravan and left straight away saying that there but I assume the older kid who was conducting the seance asked if anyone was there. I remember was a ominous feeling in the room that made them want to leave. A side note is that one of my the glass starting to move and it slowly spelt out friends, Richard, is such a non believer in C.A.R.L. He asked if anyone here knew a 'Carl' anything spiritual that he had tried to push and that’s when I said "that's my father". You the glass in the opposite direction to its must understand that my father was American movement but couldn't. and living in the United States. My parents split up when I was a small child then we came back PHIL
spooky pull out
You know the story I told you about when I called psychic Mary about joining the mag, having never spoken to her before, and she told me my dog was giving her a message that my partner couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be trusted. I joked Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d tell him not to talk to strangers now (i.e. her), and that my relationship was fine... then discovered heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d been having an affair. ANON
It happened in 2002, when I was pregnant with my son Gabriel (who's now 14). My uncle Alan was in hospital. On this morning in November, I had a very vidid dream - he was sitting in a chair, with his head in his hands, shocked. Beside him, stood my beloved aunt, who had actually died some years previous. Anyway, in the dream I was getting some 'words' from her in the form of intuition - so I didn't hear them, I sensed them and she was 'saying' 'he'll be alright, he's just a bit shocked.' When I woke up, I was totally convinced he was on the other side. I got into work and rang my sister and asked her to make some enquiries to see how he was doing. I told her about the dream and she blamed my pregnancy hormones. Yet ten minutes later she rang me back to say the news had just got out that he'd died of a sudden heart attack that morning in hospital. The feeling of certainty that he had died was very strong in me like nothing I've ever experienced before - I KNEW he was dead. I also knew he was 'in spirit' on the other side. UNA
A SELF PORTRAIT
I was born in my nanny's
came to see Nanny and had tea and
house. Mum and dad moved
sandwiches, or cake in her room so
in a few years before i was
she was never lonely despite us all
being at school or at work etc and
I shared a room with my brother and with mum and dad next door, and nanny stayed in her own room. Nanny
it was a help to Mum to have people checking on Nanny. When I was ten, Nanny got ill. She'd
lived till she was one hundred years
just turned 100 and we were advised
to put Nanny in hospital to convalesce.
The last few years of her life though
i remember it was hard for my mum. A full time mother of two young children, with a full time job, playing in bands two or three times
It was awful. She was old The scent of Nanny still lingered. Her presence was still feltâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;
and it was her time but it still hurt a lot. Not sure when but I moved into Nanny's room. The bunk
a week all the while being
bed i shared with my brother
Nanny's primary carer.
was halved and i got my own
Nanny wasn't good on her feet any more and wasn't going out any more.
space. A whole room just for me. I thought about Nanny a lot though.
the stairs were too much so Nanny sat I remember laying in bed and looking in her chair in here room a lot - and
at the chair, now empty except for
looked out the window. She always
my school uniform draped across the
waved at me coming and going to
seat. I remember my Dad saying he
couldn't have slept in that room, and
We had lots of visitors, every day one of my aunties or uncles
i don't think i was meant to over hear that.
spooky pull out
I didn't mind. I liked the closeness. The scent of Nanny still lingered. Her furniture still stood, and her presence was still felt. One night I was disturbed by too much street light coming in. I turned in my bed to face the window and saw the curtain. it was open. Held open. Nanny was looking out of the window. Looking into the night, looking into the street. I just stared. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming. I wasn't sure if i was scared. There she was. Just looking. After a few moments Nanny let the curtain go, and it draped back into its natural fall. And the room was again full of darkness. I remember this night as clear as if it were yesterday. There is not a doubt in my mind what i saw that night. She was there, still looking. I hope she saw what she needed to JO
A SELF PORTRAIT
So, years ago I went to Lady Lilac as part of a press thing.
up a couple of years ago. And I saw her a few months ago when
At the time I was with shitbag.
I was freaking out as a kind of therapy
She said I would get engaged
exercise and my late nan 'turned up' in
abroad but not abroad (ended up being
the reading and Lady Lilac goes "oh she
Jersey). She said I was very closely linked
hated him too'!! Haha. If I have a baby and
to a SImon and we were meant to be. He
it's a boy then that woman is flipping bang
had scars on his hand (shitbag punched
on the money. (I realise she has a 50%
through a window and had scars) and "oh is chance of being right, I'm not completley he a footballer?" I was like err no
mental) It was just before me and
but he likes football and she said
new Simon went to Lanzarote
well he's going to get a new job and it is going to be sports related but there is definitely a strong
â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I HAD THE last year and she said this holiday WRONG SIMON ALL is going to be a massive turning ALONG!!!â&#x20AC;&#x2122; point in your relationship and
football link. So, now I have a
something is going to happen
Simon who has scars on his hands
when you get back that changes
because he is a gardener and is also a
everything... so I kept my gob shut (if you
semi-pro footballer. I HAD THE WRONG
can believe that) and he started a 'you're
SIMON ALL ALONG!!!!!!
the one' conversation off and then we
Loads more to it - all true. She knew so
got back and a day later his family home
many things about me and my family that
almost burnt down... so he ended up living
you couldn't find out through the internet
with me in Croydon and now we are moving
eg "you have a brother - oh wait, he's your
back to Hailsham together.
half brother - is he called Jason? He's
coming back into your life". Well he popped
Portfolio spooky pull out
I had just gone to bed in my house in Preston. It was 1990 and I was at uni. The bedroom was at the back of the house, and when the light was off the room was pitch black as there were no streetlights shining in. I turned the light off, got into bed and was getting comfy when all of a sudden the blackness above my bed seemed really heavy… and looming…it felt like it was pressing down on me. Then I felt a slap on my cheek, and a hot sensation on my cheek. I was terrified, breathing really fast and thinking: ‘got to get out of bed and turn the light on.’ I leapt out of bed, ran across the room and turned light on. Nothing there. But my cheek was hot and red. I sat upright until dawn broke, then packed up my stuff. I went to see my friend in halls of residence, and she came back to the house with me to collect my things. I spent the last two weeks of term kipping on the floor of her room in halls. And never went back to the house again. TRACIE
I have DONE a spookily accurate reading. I do candlewax readings and my neighbour asked me to do one for him. As the dripped wax solidified in the water, all I could see was a giant sperm, so I told him to take care with contraception. Three weeks later, his girlfriend announced that she was pregnant!! LORNA
A SELF PORTRAIT
With regard to spooky experiences, I have had so many, I wouldn’t know where to start. I remember one very clearly. I was 11 and on the bus coming home from school when I heard a voice in my head say, “Mrs Barrow’s dead.” Something made me look at my watch. It was 4.05 pm. Mrs Barrow was my piano teacher and a good friend of my mum’s. When I got home half an hour later, I found Mum in tears. Mrs Barrow’s husband had just rung to say she had dropped dead from a brain haemorrhage around 4 pm. that day.
It is time to sit down too as the neighbours must and tell my story of have heard the new voice coming face to face at the loud tempo so part of with a red Indian me was willing him/her to chief who acted as quieten a little. This went on a medium. Well my for possibly 20 minutes and friend Lindy was the medium then as quickly as she had but became this red indian transformed into the guide she chief when she channelled him came back to being Lindy. to talk with me. My She did not know friend Lindy was tall, what had occurred 'comfortable sized' and had no idea Lindy and red haired. She became this what she had was bright, cheerful, red indian spoken about. This friendly person and guide was one of chief, we had spent several two who channeled a man years together doing through her. The odd businesses in other being a London. I had moved Chinese man. to Suffolk to 'find myself' She had recently found this and she came to stay in this ability and was beginning to tiny one up one down cottage earn her living by channelling that I was living in. It was a for people who paid her. She sunny day and we were siting had never looked for the work cross legged in the bedroom but it had all come to her. I had catching up with one another's given her the book by Shirley news, the windows were wide MacLaine 'Don't Fall Off The open and the neighbours (semi Mountain' to read which is detached) either side were about spiritual experiences in the garden below. Without Shirley had had and Lindy took any warning Lindy became off on this similar path but this red indian chief, a man. without anticipating anything, Her voice changed completely, least of all earning her and became very loud and living by this means. manly with a different accent RUTH (not sure what accent a chief's would be) her face distorted into the physical apparition of a chief. She was channelling from one of my relatives and talking about my future. The details I don't remember but the experience of someone I knew so well changing entirely in front of my eyes was extraordinary. I was rather self conscious
spooky pull out Years ago, I bought a CD album by one of my favourite bands, called the Tindersticks. The cover showed a painting of a lady in a red dress, which I really liked it. Numerous times I Googled details of the painting in the hope to find who the artist was. I even emailed the band through their fan page but received no response. Years on, my friend was staying and we went for a tour around
referenced 'tat' art! Maybe the Tindersticks
the second-hand shops in the area. In one,
had used it ironically. Oh well, I still like it!
I saw THE painting, which was on sale for
In another coincidence, I was contacted by
ÂŁ35. Trying to conceal my excitement in
someone who was researching Victorian
case the price went up, I asked who the
photographers. My family have worked
painting was by. I imagined it was by one
as photographers since the turn of the
of the great classic artists. The man selling
20th century and the man had found my
it replied he didn't know but that Vera
website (which was nothing to do with
Duckworth from Corrie had the painting up
photography) and wondered if I could help
in her house. I didn't care that I shared the
with his research. He already had some
same taste as Vera and bought the painting anyway. Then my friend and I went to another second-hand shop. I was amazed to see my coveted painting for
Vera Duckworth from Corrie had the painting up in her house
sale in another frame. After
details about my family on his website and I was amazed to discover that one of my distance relatives, Clarice Wrate, once had a photography studio on Stroud Green Road in North London - the
years of trying to find out about the
very first road I lived on when I moved to
painting, I'd now seen it twice in one day.
London in 1998. This was news to me as
Back home, I Googled Vera Duckworth and
my family's photography business was
painting and finally found some details
based in Skegness - I had no idea that
about the artwork - it was one of the mass
one of my relatives had made a move
produced works popular in the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;60s. The
to the Capital like I had.
title of the article I found was actually
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Real life My nan died on my birthday when I was at my first year of college and my parents didn’t tell me til the day after as they didn’t want to ruin my day. Anyway, fast forward summer holidays and I’m back at home and mum and dad have taken on nan’s jack russel. Nan used to live next door to may parents and they shared a huge tarmac drive. The dog was sleeping in my room when she woke up and was crying to get out. Thinking she wanted to go to the loo, I let her out and she went straight over to my late nan’s house (which was still empty) and ran up to some invisible entity at her door and then, wagging her tail, followed the invisible person to the washing line where she just sat and watched something I couldn’t see. This happened a few times, but one night I didn’t let the dog out and the next morning all the doors downstairs were unlocked as if someone had let her out anyway. NO-ONE in the family had done it and it’s a mystery to this day. AMANDA
A SELF PORTRAIT
Christie Family history
s g o d r u o ♥ We
t... ...and Frazier my three legged ca Sana (with Neal) 1960 Mum and dad already had Sana when Neal was born
Kahn 1969 Given to us by the next door neighbours who couldn’t deal with him!
Boris (with me) 1982 The family fave, we all lived at home when he arrived but he had bad epilepsy. Very sadly he had to be put down
Bartock (with me) 1980 The most docile animal ever until he met another dog
Lizzie 2000 Rescued from the RSPCA in Somerset not long after mum and dad retired down there. Friendly and fun, always wanted to play
Frazier 1998 Knowing I couldn’t have a dog when i got my first flat, I adopted Fraz, he had been run over and eventually got cancer in his bones and ended his days as a happy tripod
Lala 2015 Lexie 2011 With the twins growing up my sister took on Lexie from the Police as a brood bitch. So intelligent she is constantly on the go playing on her own or forcing someone out in the garden with her
Look at her attitude! She is better than I could have ever hoped for and is loved by all who meet her
A SELF PORTRAIT
D Y M O T E M LED ...and Lala - th
Good can come from bad situations...in the most unlikely way!
ress trips were always a huge bonus that came with working on a true life magazine, that also featured travel and so would get offered a freebie every so often. I had already been to Tanzania and Zanzibar, and worked in Durban with Chat but still was looking forwards to my week in the Gambia. Africa was in my blood. Known for its exotic bird life we spent the time in up river mangrove swamps recording bird song, and visiting local villages. I enjoyed the time there but it didn’t grab me! However a few years later my
friend Lizzie suggested we return for a holiday and that’s when I fell in love. With the Gambia! After that I would go for my holidays every year to visit my retired friends Pam and Brian who had settled there. Brian had sponsored a local child and put him through school, he was now 19 named Mo and we would go out dancing to reggae nights together. I was aware of the sex tourism that is rife in the country but to me it seemed fine as long as each party were happy in the situation. Mo and I were good friends and nothing more, but it’s good to have a Cousins Left Mo and I became good friends Right Shaka obviously has a connection with canines
local to hang out with or you the internet and discussed his can get hassled. life here and how I felt when I Back in the UK Mo visited was in his country. I discovered with Pam and Brian and I from his cousin that he had took him to show the sights of been extremely famous for London - he posted pics of this reggae music in the early ‘90s on his facebook in his homeland. page. Not long It was at least after I got a We hit it off 6 months later friend request I actually immediately that from a guy met Shaka and spent the in the flesh. I called Shaka - a Gambian, living went over for a rest of the in this country. ten day break, holiday He said he was coincidentally together Mo’s cousin and he was there too had seen my pic and we arranged on his FB page to meet with Mo, and wanted to be friends. Pam and Brian and their other To be honest alarm bells friend John. rang then. I made it clear I was We hit it off immediately and not interested in Gambian men spent the rest of the holiday and so we chatted for months and months over
Deluded Right one of the birthday cards from Shaka
A shocking story of Deception
Dhe love of m
Sad Shaka believed his own lies
The lovely Lala
together - it was a really happy time. He stayed over there with his family when I returned home. However once I got back his communication was erratic to say the least, never having credit for his phone, or the electricity was down, it was raining, you name it - I heard the excuse. I tried many times to tell him I wasn’t interested to me there was no point with him over there and me here and with hardly any communication between us. Eventually he returned and convinced me to move in together. Things were hard until he found work and
seemed very hypocritical. Life carried on, he was working late became a nights so I didn’t see much of security guard him and he used the excuse he which he enjoyed, was tired for his moodiness. while continuing to work on his music. I was busy I wasn’t happy with work and Anyway, though. Shaka racing down to was evasive and Somerset as my it took moody. I was mums cancer had about half concerned he taken a turn for an hour and the worse. When never seemed bothered about she died early I was seeing his in August he in love children he had, made an excuse who were 7 and not to come to 9 at the time. He the funeral, he would go through periods had never bothered coming to of praying 5 times a day somerset to meet my parents (he is Muslim) and then at anyway so I was quite relieved. others not bother....and smoke It was also pointed out to weed constantly but would me by my sister that he was still lecture me on my wicked constantly letting me down one way or another - this was Christian ways! I thought it all
something I had noticed but tried to make excuses for. A few weeks later he had stayed in the studio recording late and when he came home he was holding the smallest, shyest chihuahua on a pink lead. He told me his friends couldn’t look after her and he knew I loved dogs (having grown up with German Shepherds - see the pets page, I wasn’t keen on small dogs!) Anyway it took about half an hour and I was in love. Lala is the loveliest happiest girl. I felt blessed and
this true story of destiny continues over the page
A SELF PORTRAIT
Real life continued from previous page
18 YEARS. thought she was a gift from my be back ten days later mum in heaven. He never It was early in returned 2015 that Shaka thankfully. Yes I was said he had to go Since then shocked as he his brother has to the Gambia had still been updated me with to work with the government to living with me the fact that he build a music been preying when the child has foundation for on English was conceived women for over the children. By this time his lies, ten years, having huge smoking to move around problem, and his general to avoid the debts he accrued lack of interest in my family and the lives he or my life, had worn me down destroyed. and taken their toll and I told It was in him to stay there as I didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t the September want him back. He said he that one of my loved me and would
...to live my
friends said they had seen a post on facebook that he had had a new baby.... Yes I was shocked as he had still been living with me when the child was conceived but more concerned for the child and mother whom he was no longer with or it seemed had never actually spent much time with. Those poor children. I had eventually escaped - looking back I ignored the
Cosy Lala has taken Shakas place!
warning signs, and should have paid more attention to my instincts. There was a point when we were happy - I realise now it was when I was putting all my energy into his life and his career and helping him with his family! When I heard about his new baby it made me think how I had wasted 4 years of my life putting energy into a doomed relationship that centred around his dreams and not mine. So not long after, I started thinking about when I had a week off work and spent it doing the summer school life drawing course at Wimbledon art college. At the end of the course the tutor suggested I was good enough to do an MA in Drawing which only Wimbledon did. That year my endowment had matured so I had a little spare cash - it was time to live my dream that had been planted 18 years earlier!
I still love the Gambia and nothing will ever change that
Corpse My first self portrait that included Lala
Lady on a stool One of the drawings I did while on the course 18 years ago!
Less than a week later I was sat in Tania’s office discussing the course and the fact that I might find they ‘had their heads up their arses!!’ Which meant that I was about to enter a totally different world with a different way of thinking.
I won’t say it’s been easy, but it’s been rewarding, no spare time for anything but the course but what else would I have been doing?! It’s coming up to our final show soon and then who knows what?!
I do hear on the grapevine about my ex, but feel nothing but sadness for the unhappy soul he is. Whatever happens I will always love him for bringing Lala to me. She is a wonderful companion and comfort, although not keen on small dogs initially she brings joy to everyone she meets! As for the Gambia - I still
love the place, it’s under my skin. I still go every year with my girlfriends but never will I entertain the idea of a Gambian boyfriend again, I know you can’t tar a whole nation just because of one man, but I think the culture makes a huge difference to us English ladies too! I shall happily share my life with Lala until I meet the man of my dreams....(there’s always hope!!)
A SELF PORTRAIT
Katsu ca Who needs Wagamama’s? Come to Wimbledon Art college for a tasty curry!
£3.41 PER SE RVING
Tasty food from the canteen
UAL KATSU CURRY A classic fave served at college with a vegetarian option of aubergine...here we stick with the traditonal chicken version. INGREDIENTS Serves: 4 FOR THE CURRY SAUCE ● 2 tbls sunflower oil ● 2 onions, sliced ●5 garlic cloves, chopped ● 2 carrots, sliced ● 2 tbls plain flour ●4 teaspoons curry powder ● 600ml chicken stock ● 2 teaspoons honey ●4 teaspoons soy sauce ● 1 bay leaf ●1 teaspoon garam masala METHOD Prep: 15min Cook: 30min Ready in: 45min For the curry sauce: Heat oil in medium nonstick saucepan, add the chopped onion and garlic and cook until softened. Add in the carrots and cook gently over low heat for 10 to 12 minutes. Then add the flour and curry powder; cook for 1 minute. Gradually stir in stock until combined; add honey, soy sauce and bay leaf. Slowly bring to the boil. Turn down heat and simmer for 20 minutes or until sauce thickens but is still of pouring consistency. Stir in garam masala. Pour the curry sauce through a sieve; return to saucepan
FOR THE BREADED CHICKEN ●4 chicken breast fillets, pounded to 1cm thickness ●S alt and pepper to taste ●2 tablespoons plain flour ● 1 egg, beaten ●1 00g fine breadcrumbs or panko breadcrumbs ●2 30ml vegetable oil for frying TO SERVE add a few green leaves to garnish and keep on low heat until ready to serve. For the chicken: Season both sides of chicken breasts with salt and pepper. Place flour, egg and breadcrumbs in separate bowls and arrange in a row. Coat the chicken breasts in flour, then dip them into the egg, then coat in breadcrumbs, making sure you cover both sides. Heat oil in large frying pan over medium-high heat. Place chicken into hot oil and cook until golden brown, about 3 or 4 minutes each side. Once cooked, place on kitchen paper to absorb excess oil. Pour curry sauce over chicken, serve with white rice and enjoy! This is best served with Bismati rice but any rice is acceptable.
THE HAIRY BIKERS!
Pipped to the post - the Beardy ones stole the series that should have been mine
ooking is one of my We chose to make a seafood passions. I love to throw stew with tagliatelle - with a dinner party so that I Andy throwing the pasta can try out Masterchef recipes against the wall to test it was on my friends. One day my cooked and me explaining the friend came round and said difference between parsley she had seen an advert for and fresh coriander. We were applicants to short listed and make a new asked to come cookery show. to the studio Andy was a It stated that and do another real cheeky it needed to dish. Sadly chappy be a couple to our chemistry bounce off of didn’t fit their ‘Cockerny’ each other. At and I heard and loved to brief the time I was that it was in cook too seeing Andy, a fact ‘The Hairy huge Gooner Bikers’ who fan and he was beat us to it. affectionately known to Sadly I’ll never know if us as ‘chav’! He said he that’s true or not, but for me had been called a lot worse. it’s food for thought! Andy was a real cheeky chappy Cockney and loved to cook too. Paula suggested we called ourselves ‘Lady and the Chav’. So we set about videoing a pilot to send into the TV company.
Chavtastic! Top Si and Dave the ‘Hairy Bikers’ Left Chav and I don beards
How we might have looked!!!
A SELF PORTRAIT
Dyslexia & Insomnia
I had problems sleeping, could it be linked to my MA?
o - I’d got accepted onto my course... was I prepared ? The first time I really noticed that I had problems sleeping was towards the deadline of my first essay. Help! I’ve spent years working with writers and editors who do this for a living and love it, but it’s never been something I look forwards to. Even in my job when writing up press trips or appraisals I would procrastinate and then get someone to help me.
Now time was ticking away and I needed to get onto the essay. Once I decided what to write it was a bit easier but those academic books eeek - really, I couldn’t digest what was in them and got myself into more and more of a state. I knew the next time I couldn’t go through that again. So I went to be tested for dyslexia as one of my tutors suggested! It came back positive! Hooray, that day was a landmark day for me because all sorts of events from school and
the past (pretending to be I’ve just submitted my ill when there was a tables last essay - 5000 words test for example!) really and yes it was a relief, but began to make sense. I have also I look at it as a huge never been good at thinking achievement, something I on my feet, now I know why, could never have tackled I’ve always avoided writing two years ago. There has anything been help from including the ‘Goddess letters, and Efisia’ as she ...looking when I do is known in back I could our group as they sound as though I’m pinpoint my she has helped an adolescent most of us so avoidance girl writing my much. tactics! diary. But now It does help I know why. to find a Apparently subject you 60% of art are fascinated students are dyslexic in and to talk through and and they fall into art create a mind map of just college as they find the what you need to say and academic world difficult. I where it should come in the certainly did, and looking essay. back could pinpoint my And I’m still toying with avoidance tactics! the thought of a Phd!
My tried & tested insomnia cures Nytol
Hmmm this didn’t really help that much.
TM (above) I did transcendental meditation for years and it was really helpful, I must get back into it again one day soon.
Totally pointless unless you want to quench your thirst
prescribed by my doctor but they made my restless leg syndrome worse
Initially great but backfires when you get the ‘I’m awake with a hangover’ at 4am
Don’t do this at home Lala has no trouble sleeping and her snoring can wake the dead. But drinking red wine is not an insomnia cure - nice as it may be
Night Nurse Liquid of course, brilliant mixed with red wine - a winner
Paul Mackenna Yes, I can drift off to this but again - still wake at 2 and 4 and have to listen again
Fab for the initial knockout stage, however it needs topping up throughout the night which isn’t ideal
Bloody brilliant, thank you Dr. However these only will last til our MA show then I’m on my own
JUST4 FU N! This person has been jumbled up - can you guess who it is?
A SELF PORTRAIT
Short story ROUND-UP
Over the years I’ve met a few celebs - here are a few lines about my fave meetings...
Party in the bath with Sleazegrinder
Hunky Cobalt (above) and Zodiac Mindwarp (above right) as they were at their peak of ‘Prime Mover’.
erm..... Cobalt now with the infamous Sleazegrinder.
o me, in the late ’80s the sexiest man in the world was Mark Manning otherwise known as Zodiac Mindwarp and his band the Love Reaction. It was years later when they were not riding high in the charts that my friend, Lizzie and I went to a few smaller
gigs they did and got to know Cobalt Stargazer, the lead guitarist. One night they invited us back to Leather Lane where one of them lived, for a party. My memories of it are that because the flat was so small we spent the night sitting in the empty bath listening to Cobalt (Geoff) playing his guitar ‘The Sleazegrinder’. Random.
Tapas with Jarvis
M Nick left me speechless!
whole weekend of Grinderman featuring the genius Nick Cave. I’d been a fan for years and this weekend at Butlin’s in Minehead was one I had seriously been anticipating. We had seen Nick and his family strolling around the grounds but it was when he held a door open for me that my legs turned to jelly, left me utterly unable to look at him or utter a word. Big Cringe!
ar-i-terra, is a tapas bar near IPC magazines not far from southwark tube. My fave. I was with the girls from Chat. As I looked up Jarvis Cocker and some friends arrived, how exciting I’d seen his band in Barcelona at a very small intimate gig and had loved it. After being egged on and some red Dutch courage I approached his table to tell him what a fan I was. I couldn’t get away!! He was so friendly and remembered the gig I had been to. We must have chatted for 15 minutes. When I returned to my table the girls asked what he had said but I was so star struck I couldn’t remember! Hopeless!
.....and last but not least...Herr Flick used to do subbing shifts on Chat magazine!
Hairstastic Lurch and I shared the hairspray and right showing off my tiddly tat.
Lala particularly enjoyed the dog bowl on turf piece, although was dissapointed there was no food in it - this was not reciprocated by the lady who had
Lemmy stroked my tattoo
only wish I could remember more about this night. It was all so long ago and now I realize I was getting chatted up by a legend! My boyfriend Lurch and I had gone to Dingwalls in Camden - no idea what band it was we had gone to see. I was around 24, quite naïve but had the look, bleached Debbie Harry hair, a home made leather corset and my new very tiny tattoo. This was before it was common for women to have
tattoos!! I was very punky. The venue was virtually empty - I recall approaching the bar (with out noticing Lemmy there) and he turned to me and looked and reached out to stroke my tattoo. He held eye contact with me and asked, ‘Hey, d’you wanna bourbon?’ I think we had a bit of conversation but I was terrified of him and excused myself as soon as I could! Who knows where it could have led....! Ahhh Lemmy.....
Mungo wanted us to be his backing singers
utlin’s Bognor, not really a glam setting for the ’70s weekend!. It was a Chat art department outing and we were having a great time. It was late in the evening and I looked round and noticed Rachel chatting to a chap with frizzy hair, - it was Mungo Jerry - of the famous ‘70s song ‘In the Summertime’. We chatted away for a while and he was telling us about his recording studio in Maida Vale and when we mentioned we were doing singing lessons he invited us to go and record with him and to tour as his backing singers! We thought he was a bit old and creepy! Again another missed chance!
LOOK!!! It’s Mungo Jerry
...and Terry Duckworth came to our Christmas party...(Nigel Pavarro who played him worked at the Sunday Star as a writer) while I was there
...and finally - Cilla’s dead husband lives next door to me! (well the actor who played him does!)
A SELF PORTRAIT
take one caravan and a family
Our english summer holidays had been to Swanage until we moved to Germany and Dad discovered caravanning!
he early holidays at Swanage passed me by if it hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t been for the photos. But once we were posted to Germany all that changed. I realise now how lucky we were and what a wonderful experience for mum it really was. She developed a love
of mountains, and we even visited places we had seen in films. Neuschwanstein from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Austria where the Sound of Music had been filmed. However - as we got a bit older, spending time in the caravan wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t such an enjoyable experience !
1974 Dad had been posted to Berlin and so from there the world was our oyster. This was before he brought the caravan but was our first really exciting holiday - we drove via the autobahns down to Venice.
Switzerland Fun in the sun (around 1966) This was a hired caravan - near the Romney Hythe and Dymchurch Light Railway
DAYS of five Venice
The original feature in Chat magazine Mum really enjoyed looking back to our family holidays
Sad Shaka believed his own lies
Hartz Mountains 1975 Dadâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s pride and joy... he loved his caravan. Here we are with the mountains of Interlaken in the background
kadlk fakdj alkdjalkj lakda lk djakdfjkadflkajdl kfa jdlkfjal kdfjalk djfalkdjfalkjd
1978 A trip to the Hartz mountains with the caravan awning getting an outing. Mum had had her bunion done and so had her leg in plaster. I was wearing a leopard bikini even then.
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Your with Bonkers Betty Boodles
FOR SEPTEMBER 2017
Brilliant, beautiful and brainy - that’s us, dear Cappys! This month is going to be the best ever. Education features strongly and if you are finishing an MA then you are going to end on a high. Loads of people will want to help you make it now. You are charismatic and attractive and lots of very very very nice things will occur. Don’t be suprised when strangers hand you money, and all your friends want to wine and dine you.
Spend time with Capricorns they can teach you loads.
You are the barking bonkers sign, and won’t conform, very naughty indeed. Make sure you are nice to Capricorns. Hmmm, moody and dithery, sort yourself out! No one else can do it for you. Make sure you are nice to Capricorns
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You want to be in charge always - but it annoys everyone else - this month you need to give all your money to Capricorns Eating and drinking are your fave hobbies, nothing wrong with that.But take out your Capricorn friends and buy them dinner.
Flirty and obsessive, this month will really improve if instead of trying to get off with everyone you spend time with Capricorns.
You can be a bit stuck in your shell and not very adventurous. Why not book a holiday for you and a Cappy friend? All that mane-like hair, ego and charisma - to celebrate it’s your unbirthday month spend time pampering a lovely Capricorn. Mercury will go forewards again on the 5th. Phew - bet you hate the chaos.
Are you as sexy as ‘they’ say you are? Well you can learn from the masters, ask a Capricorn friend how they do it.
Bet you wish you were born a Capricorn, you only just missed out! So you could always pretend your birthday is different?
A SELF PORTRAIT
JUST4 FU N! Spot the dog!
Here are eight pics of chihuahuas only six of them are Lala - can you spot which oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s are NOT her??
they always cheer me up!
Eye eye! Spot the 3 differences My brother, his wife Liz and the twins Chloe and Jade
A SELF PORTRAIT
A SELF PORTRAIT
A SELF PORTRAIT
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