Things I’ll never understand

Story: James Combs

Illustrations: Josh Clark

There are some things in life that simply do not make sense and leave me shrugging my shoulders. Here’s a quick list:

I really cannot see the messages, emotions, or symbols being represented. To me, it looks like someone splashed several colors of paint onto a canvas.

First, there’s nothing more annoying than the sound of your favorite musician being drowned out by incessant whining. Second, I doubt the singer will want to autograph your child’s poop-filled diaper. Third, breastfeeding your baby in a mosh pit probably isn’t a great idea. Fourth, when other children receive bikes for their fifth birthday, yours will be getting hearing aids.

It’s absolutely sickening to walk into a public restroom and see someone has left you a little “present.” How hard is it to push the little lever? If it’s brown, please flush it down.

Sorry, but for me, no meal is complete without some form of dead animal on my plate. Is being a vegetarian a mistake or a missed steak?

MOTORISTS WHO DRIVE 15 MPH OR MORE UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT.

I understand that we all want to be cautious while driving. That said, if you’re driving 35 mph in a 55 mph zone, you are impeding traffic flow. And why on God’s green earth do you insist on STAYING in the fast lane?

WOMEN WHO CLAIM THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND MEN. We’re actually very simple. Just remember the basics: recliner, beer, and sports.

There’s no limit to what my mind can conceive while I’m asleep. I’ve been late to important appointments, ran in slow motion while being chased by scary people and monsters, and stood in public places completely naked. Sleep isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

Some people call it a test of faith. I call it a hiss of death.