Chapter 1: Matt The day that my brother-in-law to be was diagnosed with Cancer is when I figured out I didn’t know shit about life. I was 24 years old. I was going to school in Chicago and my life was just beginning to get back on track. I play basketball, and outside of that I do not let many things in life effect me, but since basketball had been horrendous before his diagnosis I would have told you that my life was
awful. Little did I know...
I am not an extremely emotional person, I am more logical than anything I am told, but basketball has always been the thing I could go to for stability, and for that for the last few years ball has been a train wreck. Before the news of my brother’s cancer, I honestly thought that my circumstances were rough picture that. Here he is in the fight of his life and all I
have to worry about is normal young black male issues friends getting killed, mother and father not speaking, all the while attempting to get passing grades so that I could play basketball In comparison to cancer I would soon find out that my life was a cake walk.
We often talk about life and what we want out of it. Often times we even go into detail about life owing us something
as if the gift of life itself isn’t enough of a reward. Well, when you grow up the way that I did, you find out that life's objective is not the same as your own often times not even relative. When James and my sister started dating we were all kids. Being younger than James and my sister I looked up to them, watched their relationship from the ground up. I have vivid memories of them at the beginning of their relationship because James was
always around. When I say around, I mean he just never went away. I have played basketball for most of my life, and the fact that James has been to more of my basketball games than my Father and many other family members combined should let you know about the type of relationship we had. I am a very outspoken but yet standoffish person, and James is very standoffish as well, so in the beginning, there would be conversation,
but I still would give looks like ‘when is he going home?’ At this point, I couldn't have been any older than 11 or 12 (please bear with me; my timetable in life is beyond awful and no, it's not drugs… I blame mother she's always forgetting something). My house consists of my mother, older brother, older sister, and 3 Cane Corsos: the goonies Smokey, Misty and Blue. My mom always had an open house policy for our friends, especially the
ones she liked, and with James there was no difference.
As I grew, so did the relationship between my sister and James, taking out of town trips to islands while they were still in high school. My sister always thought she was fly. While that was going on, I went away to school on a basketball scholarship (I was 14) 3 hours away from where I lived in Virginia Beach. I know what
you’re thinking-- “Who is this kids mother?” I promise you-Cassandra Samuels is an awesome woman. Anyway, this is when I knew James and my sister were starting to be even more serious than I thought they were because when I had games out of town from Virginia Tech to the University of Virginia, he used to attend. At this point I guess I accepted him as family, but all I was really worried about was playing ball so I was still like
whatever.
I moved back home for my sophomore year of high school and eventually, James and I become a lot closer than we were when was as a kid. I started going to his apartment all the time so his little sister Crystal could braid my hair, she braided way too tight, but she was mean though. That's relevant because he extended that to me it became normal if I brought
something up that I needed he would lend his services in any way that he could. I am a very family oriented person, and these type of qualities are what draw me closer to people. As I got into high school ball and began to stand out, he would talk about me playing ball just as much as my sister and brother Shawn talked about it; they were all proud of the player I was becoming and all of them would be ay my games going crazy especially my sister.
Around this time James drove a blue stanza. It was a stick shift. I hadn't gotten my license yet but James and my sister both had theirs. One night he decided to teach her how to drive his car because my sister had been talking trash about how she could drive it if he gave her some time. James yells, “Matt! Come outside and watch your sister!�
So I come out and sis is wrecking it. I
mean, I know I'm no better, but she is stalling, the car is jerking, she didn’t even make it off the street. I’m dying laughing, and James has the serious face like he is really mad, and sis is just looking at him like whatever. These type of things started to happen more often, this became the norm. James had friends and family, but little would I know he was in search of family, and although dysfunctional at times, our family bond was extremely
strong. I knew at this point my sister was going to marry James, to the point now that I wouldn’t even ask.
I was a junior in high school playing basketball, receiving letters and full scholarship offers to a number of Division One universities, which all ended with a lawsuit between my mom and the school system as well as my coach at the time, over an incident where my coach gave me
a drink that resulted to a 2 night stay in the hospital. I internalize most of my issues, but this one wasn't to be internalized this particular situation made the newspaper, attempting to make me look like I drugged myself. Why is this relevant you ask? At the time, I had just broken through my past, and this situation resulted in me having 0 scholarships because the coach called all his friends in the business and advised them not to recruit me. So to
many, this would be the end of a career, especially since I almost began to admire my perseverance, I felt like it took a gangster when I got past all of this and signed that Division one letter of intent.
Now you may not agree with the things I had to do in order for this to happen, but they were necessary. Now in order achieve to this goal, I had to fail the twelfth grade
that was step one. Step two I enrolled in a prep school in North Carolina, and the purpose was to build a new name for myself. Unfortunately this process continued for 3 years. So it turned into three years, during that three years I attended three schools, along with a year completely at home, praying that I would sign a scholarship somewhere. I overcame this bad hand I was dealt and turned it into a division one scholarship. Not to mention
I also had trouble throughout this time with the SAT. In order to receive this scholarship I had to score a 820 on the SAT. Several people wanted me to get someone to take the SAT for me but I had to much pride, I didn’t want to leave thinking there was something that beat me. So instead I went thru the fire, this situation was creating a new person that wouldn’t take the short cut out to the point I didn’t recognize this dude at times.
Through my trainer at the time Lez one of his guys heard about my struggle and introduced to a SAT tutor named Ian Smith. A God send literally, someone who I could relate too. Ian helped me boost my score 180 points on the Sat so that I could attend this University and receive my scholarship, I will forever be in his debt for that. Several changes are beginning to take place in my life starting with the school I
attended my freshman year. My experiences will forever be cherished but this University didn’t feel home, it just didn’t work for me so I decided to transfer schools.
Now January 2011, I am in the midst of receiving Division 1 scholarships and attending South Suburban Community College, and my coach John Pigatti is running the life out of me, because of it I
am in the best shape of my life. Along with the extreme running, I have to pass 21 credits in a semester to accept any scholarship that any school was offering. If I fail one class, my college dreams would be shattered. My brother at this time is living back at home in Maryland, and has been having night sweats along with toothaches and some weight loss. Never being a big person to begin with, along with having some dental problems, we
waved them off as some wisdom tooth problems. However, the night sweats continued. My mother would always comment on his weight as it continued to fluctuate. This would be alarming to normal people, since his diet consisted of canned tuna fish, frozen pizzas, Arizona’s, it wasn't that really alarming to us. My mother just continued to tell him to visit a doctor and he finally did, and that was the moment we figured out their was a serious
problem. After the test results they began to call his symptoms Lupus instead of Cancer. At this point we began to pray it was Lupus picture that praying for the lesser of the two evils. Upon more testing we figured out that he had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
I was in school at the time, and it hit me hard. I honestly don't think I would've made it through those 21 credits as well as
signing to a Division 1 University for basketball without his situation, which motivated me timely motivation, to say the least. And as I mentioned my situation was bad to a normal person: Here I am, Unable to play in one game the entire season due to a prior situation with a school that isn’t even worth mentioning. Praying a school will take a chance on me to play for them sight unseen. This seemed rough in my mind, but my brother was
fighting cancer, so how the hell could I complain about MY problems? Well, luckily, I passed all those classes, graduated with my associates and accepted a full scholarship to Chicago State University for basketball. This summer, while I didn't realize it until now, would be the most vital time of my life between James and I.
I was settled in to college and James
had moved into my mother’s house, which was no big change for me since he was over the house everyday anyway. This way I got to use his car whenever I wanted to switch it up. James kept a smacked out Charger on deck, which means the windows were tinted, for all those who don't understand the lingo. Anytime you stepped in his whip, there was a BUNCH of down south music in his car. He would listen to Three 6 Mafia, 8Ball and MJG,
Outkast, UGK to name a few. James and I connected in our love of music. I remember listening to Big Krit with him. We would always ride around bumping Krit "Return of 4 Eva" that was our on the way to the hospital Chemo music. Bumping joints like "Time Machine" "Rotation" and "My Sub" and the "VENT" really the whole tape (Country ish) pulling up to Chemo bumping. These were days I figured out people didn’t care about life. As I am
waiting outside I am seeing people that are fighting cancer smoking cigarettes. I am just sitting there stuck like I know this has to be tough, your body is literally in prison. So do these people not care about life, or are they just fatigued?
James and I would just talk about any and everything, how when this whole cancer thing is over it's really time to start taking life seriously, not that we weren't
before, but cancer just changes your perspective on life itself. I was in the passenger seat of it all, and it already had me thinking differently so I couldn't imagine what James was thinking.
My sister bought a house while right before I graduated, so when I came back I lived with her James and my nephew, (yeah I know professional movers) Throughout this entire time I am going from home to
school. James wasn't working and I was awarded the entire summer to stay home, which never happens when you play a collegiate sport. So that entire summer, I would take James to his Chemotherapy, Radiation and whatever else he had to do, I would switch off when I wanted to give my sister and mom some relief. I built the kind of admiration for him that you would have to see to believe.
Many days, we would split the tasks of picking my nephew Maximus up from daycare. There would be times that I would tell him I would go get him because he was be exhausted from chemo, but he would still crawl up the steps throw a shirt on that boney back of his, and go and get his son. I remember the doctors changing his entire diet, and telling him to eat vegetables and fruits as well as to get exercise. Chemo affects the way things
taste, so the last thing you want when you can hardly keep food in your system would be some non-cooked vegetables, so instead we snuck cheat meals in, trust me it was this or nothing. That summer I will say this that's the coldest and hottest I’ve ever been in my entire life. It's worse than your mother going thru menopause. All you would hear all day and night is, “Y’all not hot? Y’all not cold?” Mind you, James is the only one adjusting the temperature
in the house. Several nights I would wake up out of my sleep hearing him throw up. I honestly have no idea what he was throwing up because he ate so rarely. Our medicine cabinet looked like the drug aisle at your local Walgreens or CVS pharmacy. I mean, I couldn't even pronounce half of these drugs.
James would sleep all day long, to the point we had to get up and start taking
walks between my workouts, to get him some fresh air, because he slept so much. One walk stands out the most, this walk is honestly when I remember saying I may have just found out what life is about, and to date that's when I learned one of my best life lessons. We must have walked the track for 2 hours it felt like, and he shared with me that he would beat cancer, but If he didn't he wanted me to take care of my sister and his son. He shared with me that I
would get through all my obstacles in basketball, and become the person that I always wanted to become. I recall vividly when he said that he wanted to live for his son, and my sister, I was hesitant to respond. I do not know if I was right but I told him not to live for them, but to live for his self because they would be taken care of regardless of his outcome. I know many people may think that’s harsh, but I think James understood where I was
coming from, and never thought of it that way until I shared that with him. I told him regardless of his outcome we will have to live, and we want him to be there for sure, but if he only wants to be there for us then he’s not living for himself and he has to fight the battle himself we can only support him. I believe we both learned a lot that day, because I promised him that they would be fine regardless, we all wanted to see him recover. James shared
with me that day that cancer can block your vision. Many people want to be rich and famous and what society deems as relevant, but the day you figure out that you have to fight something like cancer these things all become pointless. This day taught me that life itself is the greatest achievement of them all, and living it the right way for the longest amount of time and being productive is the best gift that you can give yourself or anyone. Not one
time did James say to me ‘I never made it to this place or this country. I don't have any money in the bank or that Ferrari.’ He simply said, “I want to live for your sister and my son,” and that was the realest statement that I had ever heard complete selflessness although I commented I was speechless.
There was so much said that day on the track, but the biggest message I want you
to understand is that whatever you THINK is real doesn't exist when you are fighting for your life. Clothes, cars, girls, jewelry, boats, beefs, debt... None of these things exist when you are having hospital visits lasting 2 months at a time, losing just about all of your muscle, and 65lbs of your weight. When you can’t keep food down ever and your tongue tastes like old scrap metal. Followed by operation after operation, the world is beyond minuscule,
because survival is all that matters at that point and the ones that CARE FOR YOU! So my only purpose of sharing the contents of our walk is this, ask yourself what REALLY MATTERS’? What do YOU WANT IN LIFE? What will make YOU HAPPY? Because if tragedy hits, you don't want to have been living life for someone else. Honestly, I don't think James ever lived for anyone else. I just believe that he would've wanted to take a few things
more seriously.
After this summer, I left and went to school and had one of my best years on and off the court, because I was motivated and purpose driven, and I prayed that every time I left that he would still be there when I returned. Although he couldn't make a game every time I played, he would watch on TV and send me inspirational text messages. I returned from Chicago
State with my degree that next year and James was still fighting for his life. At this point tumors had grown and the cancer had traveled little did we know. For graduate school, I decided to go to California to finish my last year of basketball, and before I left, we had a fun filled summer of moving. I hate moving. James and I seemed to be professional movers at this point because my sister always had us moving. I remember James
and I almost fought one night because he continued to press furniture on his catheter he hadn't eaten and we had been moving all day long. I know what you’re thinking that's stupid he has cancer, right? Right but you text and drive at high speeds. Anyway, he sat down after I told him we were gonna fight. We eventually got through the moving later the next day. This summer seemed to go by so fast for some reason, and James was still fighting
cancer when I left for my first year of grad school, I didn’t know what to think, all I could do was just pray that he would get better.
By this time my sister was missing entire work weeks. She had changed his medical insurance from Maryland to DC then DC didn't want to cover his expenses, so it was back to Maryland. I noticed the toll it was taking on her from the phone
calls, and here I am just chasing my dream while their dreams are falling apart. It felt selfish of me. Whenever I called or Facetimed, he would be all smiles and tell me he watched me play and keep doing my thing. By this time my sister was wellresearched into cancer and there was a walk coming up called Light the Night and low and behold it was in Washington D.C. I knew that this cancer was real and he was battling; the least I could do was make this
event. So my sister coordinated it, made up some T-Shirts and sent me the samples of the shirts, and I told her that I would make it, but she never told James. So I fly back for his event, this entire time he's trying to figure out why I am home, and when I tell him it's because of his walk James couldn't believe it. He started crying not in front of me though that not how we got down. These tears were tears of joy and appreciation because he didn't know
how to feel about me flying from California just for his walk It just overwhelmed him.
This night I will never forget. James my sister and I drove down to the walk late as usual, everyone was there before us and as we arrived we come to find out none of his friends made it. This isn't any disrespect to anyone but that's bullshit but that’s none of my business though (Kermit Voice).
Anyway, we get out there and I think all the lights and balloons and people overwhelmed my brother because he finally knew he wasn't alone in this fight, I remember him running up to me after he had walked around saying there is a young dude over there that has the same thing I have, just got finished talking to him and his pops man they were too cool. It was a great feeling to look at his amazement and share that with him. We left the walk,
went and got some food and a movie, and just stayed up talking until we all passed out.
(Backtracking just to enlighten you about that night he walked and he was extremely cold and complained about his back all night, so I gave him my hoodie. He was tired as well but that was normal, come to find out the next diagnosis we were told he had 2 tumors on his spine and
that’s why his back was hurting the entire night. So next time you are complaining about something, I want you to keep that in mind.
As I said before, James never really followed what was (IN) and that I respected about him. I love to dress and he talks about the way I dressed every time I put clothes on. Several months after he passed, my mother found 2 letters that
James wrote to me and my older brother Shawn. In my letter, James told me to take care of his son but, and I quote him, " DO NOT DRESS HIM LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOUR PANTS BE TOO TIGHT!" This coming from James when he had been in the hospital towards the end, so this just shows he NEVER lost his spirit or who he was at any time. Granted everyday wasn’t sunshine he had bad days as well just like anybody, but If he can go through the fight of his life
and still have this attitude, you and I have no excuse to complain.
I flew back one more time, and this time James was very weak. He slept most of the time I was there. There was one thing that got him out of bed and gave my mother my sister and James one of the best laughs we ever shared together. The Bus driver uppercut video that was circulating online, when he told that girl
(You going to jail now) and hit her I promise James died laughing. I'm sorry, but that was just our sense of humor. I ran upstairs and made him watch it. This made James laugh so hard he got out of bed came downstairs we all watched it together, and we all laughed for five minutes. I mean that video gave him life, literally. I suck with dates so these are just scattered thoughts and memories, but I went back to California and I really had a
heavy heart that entire year. We Facetimed and continued texting, until my sister called me one night and said that James died for 5 seconds during his transplant but he came back to life, and the doctors said they don't know what to expect next. James had been waiting on that transplant that was supposed to be the game changer.
We just sat there on the phone
together and vowed to just fight for each other and fight for him. My sister is my best friend, so hearing how she sounded and what James was going thru just made time sit still. A few weeks go by and I got the phone call I never wanted to receive, I was lying in my bed, and I would always count the time difference from pacific time to eastern standard, because this would often let me know why I was being called. This particular phone call felt off so
I answered and my sister tells me that James died. It must have been one of our shortest conversations ever, we both got off the phone distraught. I also felt like I failed him because I was not having my best year and to blame him would be an excuse it just was an awful year, and I see why because It would be the year that he passed away 2013 was the WORST!!!!!!!!!!
His death made me feel the most
indifferent that I have ever had felt. I was coming home and he wouldn't be there, I immediately just began to think about conversations and my nephew and sister that I told him I would take care of. And as much as I wanted him here, he fought harder than I ever fought for anything in life and I was proud and respected him to the fullest. In my mind, he won. He won because where he is there is no sickness. He left me here to take care of my
sister and nephew, and he left us with the inspiration to bring you these diaries as well as a piece of all of our lives. James left me understanding that life will never be about me again, or selfish goals and things that won’t matter once you get them. He left me understanding that you make your mark in this world by infecting someone with life itself, the true meaning of it. I feel that every person's story you will read will infect your brain, drive understanding, and
cause motivation. The motivation to do the unthinkable, because there are some amazing people that you are about to hear from. Understand that James’ time spent here was not in vain, and every story that you are going to read will and has not ended the way that his has. Nonetheless, I have a 6-year-old nephew named Maximus Orion Watts that I help raise and without James infecting my mind with his drive, his fight, and his spirit, I would not be able to
take care of his most prized possession. I would never be able to infect these great Fighters that you are about to hear from, without James. I say infect because we are affected by cancer, but through the memory of James Rudolph Watts I am forever Infected by cancer and infected with the disease of life. I can only hope that every reader that we touch is affected by these words as much as Cancer has Infected these authors.
I love everyone that will read these words, because you have supported this project, and I am forever indebted to you. I have no idea where this project will lead me in my future, but if this project touches people the way that we intend it to, always understand that I will do everything in my power to help this cause. I will step out of my element for this project.
I leave you with something that I wrote while finishing this project. This is something that I feel is a reflection of my perspective that I feel should be spread through the way that cancer and James Rudolph “Juice” Watts infected my thinking. "I FEEL LIKE SUCCESS SHOULD BE DEFINED BY HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU HELP ONCE YOU BECOME SUCCESSFUL. BUT SUCCESS IS RELATIVE EVERYONE HAS HAD SUCCESS ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. I WANT TO PROMOTE SELFLESS SUCCESS YOU CAN KEEP SELFISH
SUCCESS. BECAUSE SELFISH SUCCESS REQUIRES ME TO WATCH YOU, IT ALSO PROMOTES ENVY AND JEALOUSY WHICH ARE CLOSE RELATIVES TO HATE. SELFLESS SUCCESS GIVES PEOPLE AN OPPORTUNITY TO BENEFIT FROM YOUR SUCCESSES WHICH PROVIDES HOPE SHOWS HUMILITY AND PROMOTES LOVE". -Matt Samuels