Project Consent Reclaim
The
May/June
Bindi
Vanessa Hong
“Fashion runs to my veins.”
Aleali May
Reclaim The Bindi
I
come from a country in Southeast Asia that is known for its multicultural society and tolerance. It recognizes four different races and four different languages. I’ve been given many opportunities to shine, regardless of race or religion. That doesn’t mean I’ve never been the victim of institutional racism. I would like to quote Andre 3000 here. “Across cultures, darker people suffer most. Why?” See Indians make the minority group here and lucky us, we’re also the darkest. The people who made me feel bad about myself weren’t necessarily white. In fact I never had to work around white people or go to Tip! school with white people. My point being, light skinned POC can perpetuate hate against dark skinned POCs and this is due to cultural assimilation, where we’ve been made to believe light skinned – if not white – people are superior. The man made hierarchy places dark skin at the bottom wherever you go.
I was always the lonely Indian girl in class for most of my life. Whether it was kindergarten or University. It took a lot out of me to accept how people received my community. My mom always made me wear a black bindi (or pottu) because she believed it warded off evil. I was too young to understand its significance but I liked wearing it. My classmates would ask me why I had a dot on my forehead and it was not out of curiosity to learn. They thought it looked funny. I would go up to my teachers for help when some of the boys in class called me ‘blackie’ and they would do nothing. I remember one of the teachers telling me to return to my seat with a smirk on her face. She found my plight amusing. It affected me so much that I stopped wearing the bindi after a certain age. I didn’t want to hurt my mom so I would wear it until I took the school bus. Here’s the disgusting truth. I did it so I could look ‘less Indian’. There were days I wished I wasn’t born Indian and the hatred towards my own people kept growing through my teenage years. I didn’t want to date Indian guys. I was ashamed to go to the temple with my family. When I did, I refused to wear traditional attire because we had to take the public transport. I didn’t want to be seen like that. I felt shy to speak in my mother tongue (Tamil) and the only time I did was when we had mother tongue period in school. Nobody knew I was getting straight As in Tamil. My teachers praised me for my grasp in the language and
I did exceedingly well but I wasn’t
proud of it.
At 14, I decided to relax my hair because I got bullied for having naturally wavy hair that got frizzy in the heat so this was my way out. Soon I noticed many Indian girls of my age spotting straight hair. For you it may be another hairstyle choice. For us, it was a way to fit in and dodge the ‘coconut oil’ jokes. When I turned 20, I was sick of fixing my hair. I was sick of sitting at the hair salon for hours. I was sick of paying hundreds to destroy my natural hair. It took me one whole year to grow out my curls but I finally felt free. I felt more beautiful. I loved the feeling of my hair dancing to the wind. I loved how it bounced when I walked. How even when it got messy, nobody could tell. I asked myself why I had to hide my hair all this time when the same girls who made fun of it, pay for hair curlers and rollers now. Because they think it looks pretty on them but not on me. This is the case for bindis, henna, forehead jewels and anything that is exclusive to our people. It is never pretty on us but it is pretty on everyone else. I couldn’t eat Indian food with my friends without them laughing at me. The curry jokes were endless but they enjoyed Indian food whenever they wanted to. When anyone asked me what my mom made for dinner, I would make up something western. They wouldn’t understand me if I said ‘sambar’ or god forbid, fish curry?! They would never shut up about it and I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction. A year ago, I got a part time job as a beauty promoter at a department store. It made me relive my childhood again and it might have encouraged me to write this article as well because I realized how racism is still well and alive. Apparently the counter girls were confused why an Indian girl is selling makeup meant for fairer women. I later found out that the manager who hired me texted my colleagues that a new girl was joining. This is what her text reads - “She’s Indian but it’s okay, she doesn’t look Indian!” So what I’m getting is, she wouldn’t have hired me if I looked any more Indian? I came to know of this through a friend who worked there as well. See I know that I’m still a fair skinned Indian, who gets better treatment and I completely acknowledge the privileges I receive with my skin as compared to my dark skinned Indian brothers and sisters. The racism I experience on a daily basis is nothing compared to theirs.
as well because I realized how racism is still well and alive. Apparently the counter girls were confused why an Indian girl is selling makeup meant for fairer women. I later found out that the manager who hired me texted my colleagues that a new girl was joining. This is what her text reads - “She’s Indian but it’s okay, she doesn’t look Indian!” So what I’m getting is, she wouldn’t have hired me if I looked any more Indian? I came to know of this through a friend who worked there as well. See I know that I’m still a fair skinne Indian, who gets better treatment and I completely acknowledge the privileges I receive with my skin as compared to my dark skinned Indian brothers and sisters. The racism I experience on a daily basis is nothing compared to theirs. When someone tells me, “What’s the big deal?” when they wear bindis at Coachella, they are disregarding the pain I went through to embrace my culture openly. When they tell me, “Culture is meant to be shared”, they are disregarding the years I spent trying to erase that very culture so I could fit in. Forgetting my culture meant I could live a little happier. If I didn’t express myself that way, maybe people wouldn’t pick on me anymore. Many minority groups grew up being oppressed and you continue to oppress them when you steal elements of their culture that they were never allowed to feel proud of. It’s a very simple concept. It’s sad that many of us are unknowingly supporting the bastardization of culture and tradition. This is why we have a growing number of yoga studios managed by non-Hindus who rename the ‘asanas’ to accommodate the modern yogi. Yet we scoff at the sight of an old Indian man with an unkempt beard, mediating by the Ganges. We have Bollywood themed weddings because of the glitz and glamour. Big clothing brands market Indian motifs in their summer collections but it’s funny when it’s on an Indian woman’s sari border. Lord Krishna printed on tee shirts. Why? The bindi has been reduced to a ‘decorative jewel’ or ‘body stickers’ when it is so much more. It is on the foreheads of our mothers. It is on the foreheads of our religious deities. Why does Kendall Jenner or Vanessa Hudgens get to wear it? Years and years of tradition have come to this – picking and choosing what looks trendy. Next time a person of colour tells you it’s not okay for you to take portions of their culture for leisure, take the time to understand why. When Indians tell you to stop wearing the bindi, it isn’t just about the bindi. It’s multilayered. If you find our culture beautiful, you can participate when you are invited
an Indian woman’s sari border. Lord Krishna printed on tee shirts. Why? The bindi has been reduced to a ‘decorative jewel’ or ‘body stickers’ when it is so much more. It is on the foreheads of our mothers. It is on the foreheads of our religious deities. Why does Kendall Jenner or Vanessa Hudgens get to wear it? Years and years of tradition have come to this – picking and choosing what looks trendy. Next time a person of colour tells you it’s not okay for you to take portions of their culture for leisure, take the time to understand why. When Indians tell you to stop wearing the bindi, it isn’t just about the bindi. It’s multilayered. If you find our culture beautiful, you can participate when you are invited to do so. I would be happy to see my friends in traditional Indian attire when they attend my wedding in the future. Appreciating and appropriating are very different. Taking someone’s culture out of context for your personal gratification would be appropriation and it is offensive. Especially when you abuse it with the privilege you were born with. I am thankful for movements like ‘Reclaim the Bindi’ and many others that aim to celebrate the beauty of minority groups and speaking up for those who have been discriminated for their skin colour and cultural differences. I will continue to reclaim the bindi. I will continue to reclaim my culture.
“When someone tells me, “What’s the big deal?” when they wear bindis at Coachella, they are disregarding the pain I went through to embrace my culture openly. “
A Conversation With Sara What prompted you to start project consent? This is always the hardest question for me to answer. I don’t know if there was a particular catalyst that prompted me to start Project Consent. It was just the overwhelming presence of rape culture that pushed me to do something, anything, to end it. It’s an issue that’s very close to my heart but more importantly, it’s an issue that impacts a lot of people. I saw an issue that’s disgustingly pervasive in our society and I wanted to be part of the solution. I wanted society to do better because I genuinely think that we are capable of doing better. It’s important that we’re teaching people that their stories matter and that they have the right to their own body without fear of assault and so many other things. It’s a conversation that we need to be having now.
Define consent?
I define consent as the agreement to have sex, in the shortest and briefest possible definition. It’s having each party willingly engage in any kind of sexual activity and on their own terms. Sex shouldn’t be forced under any circumstance and people have to understand that. hat was the reaction from your community?
W
From my own personal community, the response came immediately and in lack of better words, it could not have been worse. As much as I’ve come to appreciate my time in Kansas, we are not a state known for its acceptance of social change. Mix that with the immaturity of high school and you get a pretty negative reaction from my immediate community.
How does project consent work? It’s been pretty miserable, coming to school and loathing every hour of your day because people were actively tearing you down. So it’s been difficult but at the same time, it’s been completely worthwhile. The greatest piece of advice that I’ve ever gotten in my life came from my English teacher who told me that it’s the hardships that build you. I know what I’m fighting for and I know why I’m doing this so at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
and foremost, we’re a platform. I wanted fcanirst Project Consent to be a place where anyone speak about their own experiences and provide insight. As much as I’ve learned, I can’t pretend to be an expert on every single aspect of rape culture. When you’re running a project on social change, intersectionality is vital and I wanted to provide others the opportunity to use their own voice for change. So we work with a multitude of people on ways that we can shed light on the subject. We also encourage people to submit their own work on preventing sexual assault. There’s no one, single tactic that we use to address this issue and there shouldn’t be. There are so many ways of getting information out and we just brainstorm ways that we can get our message across in the best way possible.
Li of Project Consent So, yeah, a big thank you to Anna Schauer, Laura Nicolae, and Mr. Mees because there’s just something weird about calling your teacher ‘Nathan’.
Where do you hope to see project consent headed? Everywhere! I hope that we’re able to reach as many people as possible because I firmly believe that this is something that everyone needs to hear. People need to hear that sexual assault is real, that rape culture is pervasive, and that it’s more than time for us to step up to the plate. I would love it if schools would start teaching their students about the importance of consent and I’d really, really love it for people to finally start supporting victims of sexual assault. There are so many things that I want to do with Project Consent and it’s all I can do to never stop trying.
participate? Howwecanhavesomeone a page on our website where
people can submit their work to us, if they
chose. Or, really, all they have to do is be willing to speak out against rape culture. At the end of the day, that’s all we’re aiming for.
W
ho has been a big supporter? Caitlin Stasey, definitely. She’s been supportive of the project from the start
and since then, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing how passionate and driven she is about everything. I have an insane amount of respect for her and everything that she’s doing
Herself. Gaby Dunn, one of the funniest and sharpest people that I’ve ever interviewed, has always been a huge advocate for social activism and she’s been insanely kind about this as well. We’ve also been lucky enough to get followers from all over the globe and I think that just goes to show how important it is that we’re raising awareness for this. And despite the negativity in my immediate community, I’ve been fortunate enough to have a group of people to help me endure the rough patches. So, yeah, a big
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The new Adidas Supercolor sneakers are making a daring appearance on feet everywhere!
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Overalls are making a fashionable comeback!
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Pretty pastels and scallops are all the rage this summer!
Summer Fashion Trends
Being a foreign exchange student is hard, just ask Frida. She has been in America for nine-months and is having the best dayss of her life..She can’t fathom the idea of one day leaving all of this behind and going back to Norway-but she knows she has to! She has made friends and even created a life here. Read her story!
xoxoFrida
s i a c i r e m A e k i l “I feel l u c i t l u m e r o m h c u m so tural�
How long have you been in America?
Do you ever plan on coming back?
I have been in America for close to nine months (261 days). I really want to come back in a couple years and see I came in the beginning of August and I will be here until how everyone is doing, hang out and have fun. My host the end of July. family feels like a second family to me, and this house feels like a home so I have to come back.
How is Norway different from America?
Norway is very different from America in many different ways, I usually say when people ask me that the biggest difference is how polite people are to strangers in America(at least here in Maryland) not that we are mean in Norway but we normally don’t talk to strangers in the store, on the streets or on the bus. It’s just sort of an unwritten rule(when you get to know us we are very nice!!) So the sterotype about Americans being rude is not true! But one stereotype that I find to be true is the “everything is bigger in Ameica”one. I mean I’m from the second largest city in Norway and it’s SMALL compared to Baltimore! Everytime I get soda somewhere I forget where I am and order the large one and it’s HUGE! The large one in Norway is the smallest one here.
How is life as a teenager in Norway?
I will say America is more strict in general, which also will answer the second question. It’s easier to be a teenager in Norway, because it’s less rules and we behave more grown up(at least we get treated as adults) but at the same time,it’s harder because of all the pressure to look “perfect”. I feel like America is so much more multicultural and have all kinds of people, so it’s not just one opinion of perfect. Everyone looks good as they are in their race,religion,size and color.
What is the biggest deal in Norway?
There is definitely more pressure on clothing in Norway, it’s sort of a rule that you can’t wear sweatpants to school. I think it’s great here that people can wear more what they want, at the same time I am getting way more relaxed in my outfits, so I might not be accepted back in Norway (laughs) no it’s not that bad.
Will it be hard leaving America?
It will be hard leaving America, becausr I literally packed up my life in Norway to come here for a year and live a really different life, and I like this life. It’s not that I like it more than my life in Norway, but I really likr it, and I know that it is coming to an end which is sad because I know I’m going to miss everyone here and I have no idea when or if I will see them again. So it is going to be sad, but I’m also excited to see all my friends in Norway again,
Where was your favorite place to vist in America?
My favorite place to visit in America was Oahu, Hawaii. It was the most beautiful place and I had so much fun there. I went with a lot of exchange students, some I knew from before and some that I didn’t know. It is really amazing how close you can become in only one week, I got new best friends on that trip. It really is something special being an exchange student, and you share this understanding with other people who are doing the same thing. I really think the people were what made Hawaii so special. With that being said Hawaii really did live up to the expectations and it was just as beautiful as I thought it would be. I really wanna go back to Hawaii! Maybe I’ll go on an exchange to a University there. That would be a dream come true!
“I really want to come back in a couple years and see how everyone is doing, hang out and have fun.”
g n i v a e l d r a h e b l “It wil r e t i l I r s u a c e b , America n i e f i l y m p u d e ally pack ” e r e h e m o c o t y a Norw
My Imperfect Rape by Anonymous
I created a Tumblr site called My Imperfect Rape after I sat down and wrote out the story of my own sexual abuse for the first time. I began writing a couple of years after it had happened looking for some validation. So many times I read stories in the media about rape and sexual abuse and they’re focused on pinpointing blame or finding shortcomings in the story. The reason I didn’t report my own abuse is because of the unconventional circumstances- it happened in a relationship with somebody I loved and I didn’t realise what was happening at the time. By writing my own story, I was looking for a way to silence those critics in my own mind that still asked: “Are you making this up?” “Did it really happen like that?” “Are you making something out of nothing?” I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I am also aware of the way that society perceives survivors and the way society defines sexual abuse – this had a lot to do with the forming of those questions in my own mind. The second guessing of my own experiences didn’t just come from me. I wrote my story and I felt empowered. I felt in control of what had happened finally as I chose the way in which the truth was told. Consequently, spurred on by the negative treatment of survivors and advocates for survivors in the media, I created the site and presented my story. I wanted people to read my story and see how sexual abuse can happen, not how it always will occur, but how it could and did. I named the site My Imperfect Rape as an ironic twist on the detrimental, unspoken idea that all survivors come up against- that their rape was not “perfect” enough. That their rape was not violent enough, it didn’t happen in the correct place, they didn’t report it right away, their perpetrator is “too good of a person” or that the circumstances in general just don’t fit. The victim often does not fit. And so, through the site, I’m aiming to open up the conversations we have about sexual violence because it is crucial to the advancement of society, and survivors. Narrow definitions, stereotypes we depend on and a significant lack of empathy regarding survivors all encourage a culture wherein survivors remain silent; many are even unaware that they are survivors. I know a lot of people will respond to my work with the question, “Am I supposed to just trust someone when they say they’ve been raped?” I would say yes. Yes you are supposed to trust someone when they disclose to you that they have been raped or abused sexually in some way (the spectrum of sexually inappropriate behaviours is very wide!) Firstly, very few survivors speak up. Therefore the fact that someone chose to disclose, and entrusted you with such a fragile issue, that’s a huge step and shouldn’t be taken lightly or judgementally. Secondly, it’s really not up to us- as individual members of society, communities, families and friends- to decide whether someone is telling the truth. We have law enforcement for that. When we take it upon ourselves to find the truth it always starts with the victim. We attack and dissect their narratives striving to grasp for anything that doesn’t fit. We depend upon preconceived “simplified” ideas that we have about
sexual abuse being “one size fits all” i.e. there will be violence, it will be a stranger, there will be no contact postabuse, the victim will press charges right away. There is no other crime in which we demand proof of the victim’s credibility and innocence before that of the accused. We don’t need to be doing this as a society; it’s not up to us. Victim blaming is often tempting, usually an immediate, somewhat unconscious first response, but it’s always damaging. I advise everyone to avoid getting caught up in perceptions. Not all stories of sexual abuse will make sense but it doesn’t mean they are untrue. Practice tolerance and compassion and allow the professionals to do their job. No victim deserves a trial by society, family, media or community. It’s unnecessary and it’s causing less survivors to speak out, afraid of the consequences, ultimately preventing more abusers from being brought to justice. There are so many different circumstances which lead to people second guessing their own experiences, feeling as though they could never speak out about what they have gone through. Mindful of this predicament I’ve tried to create a safe space in which survivors can feel empowered by sharing their stories. I’ve invited them to write their stories in a manner in which they feel comfortable without the fear of being scrutinised or undermined. These stories, in addition to my own, will hopefully help external parties understand that no two experiences of abuse are ever identical - yet all are valid. By adding their voice to the site survivors are directly aiding the widening of conversations about sexual violence and helping themselves heal in the process. The main two aims for the project are: 1. to empower survivors and give them that safe space to share what they want and need; and 2. to be a source of education for those who wish to know more about sexual violence but are being failed by a lack of real resources. The project acts as a facilitator and generator of material that will help a person open up their perspective, and also help them create conversations with others about the wide shape of sexual violence.
Tip!
Overall, I want My Imperfect Rape to be a source of positivity; I want to use my experiences to educate and empower others. I don’t want it to be something that keeps me and other survivors stuck in the past, but rather something that propels us forward in an enlightened manner.
The site is a lot of work. I create a lot of original material, including writing and graphics, in order to create a buzz around what I am trying to achieve and also to connect with as many people as possible who may need that connection. I have already had stories sent into the site and many people getting in touch in desperate need of support, validation and justice. I don’t think this is a testament to what I’ve created as much as it speaks volumes for the lack of safe spaces available for survivors. I know a lot of people don’t like the term “rape culture” but unfortunately it applies to our current social climate because a negative view of sexual violence- one that diminishes its effects and trivialises the nature of the crime- is still the prevalent view. Rape culture is the immediate negative reaction to a disclosure of sexual violence and the immediate need to find a reason for the abuse- a reason that is ultimately within the victim’s control. Rape culture is a human problem; it is so systematically engrained within our societies to pass judgement that we all do it. Rape culture is everyone’s responsibility. However, hopefully one day, with the help and creation of spaces like My Imperfect Rape, this description will not fit our society anymore. I hope by making you aware of the work my project is doing you will be able to be a part of the solution and not a part of the problem that is rape culture. I hope that you will visit the project and gain the knowledge you need to move forward, discrediting myths about a “perfect” victim or “normal” rape as you do so. Consequently, you will play your part in creating a society that prioritises supporting survivors over judging them. If you have been affected by any issues or comments in this article I would advise you to check the project out:www.myimperfectrape.tumblr.com Also feel free to get in contact with any questions or if you are a survivor and need extra support. Contact details can be found on site.