Mystic Mike returns, whether we like it or not... Scorpio Oct 23-Nov 21 (Editor) Unfortunately Mystic Mike called in sick with a nose-bleed the day he was supposed to write your star sign so instead of disappointing you all, I opted to cover it myself. See what you think…”Um, right, so a star sign, ok. I think you will like, do stuff and it will be like, alright. So just, y’know, look out for things to do. Spend time with friends and or, I dunno, family or something. Do some sport and music type sort of things or not, whatever really.” That’s about it, how was that? Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21 You may remember some time ago that I had a nosebleed. It was about one star sign ago if you’re reading this and the stupid editor has put them in the right order for a change. Well this is just to let you know that I didn’t really have a nosebleed. I just wanted to have a day off to eat pickled onions. Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 Not very long ago, about two star signs if you’re reading this and the stupid editor has put them in the right order for a change, I claimed I had a nosebleed. About one star ago, I then came clean to say I didn’t. I can now conclusively confirm that both were correct, in part. I did have a nosebleed, but it was due to putting pickled onions up it, en masse. Virgo Aug 23-Sep 22 Quite a few people, I would guess somewhere in the region of 3 score and 97, have remarked to me about my seemingly unrivalled capacity for astrophenomenoligical prescience. What they also ask is whether, given my impeccable record for assessing the future, I have any regrets. This is of course a reasonably intelligent question so I’m not normally asked it until I leave the Croydon borough and head south. You would think that someone with a gift like mine would not have regrets but I will confess to having one and it is thus. By not acknowledging my gifts sooner, I have deprived so many of such happiness. Cancer Jun 22-Jul 22 How do people with severe amnesia remember appointments about their amnesia? Is there a group of amnesiacs all milling around outside hospitals, asking each other if they have any idea why they came there only to be stared at, blankly?
Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19 I shouldn’t think much will happen this month for you, your family, your friends or anyone who has even the mildest of impact in your life. If by any chance something does happen, please could you make a note of it (bullet points if you wish) and just pop it in the post to me? As an astrologer it’s always good to get feedback on my sooth-saying and particularly important when I do, as occasionally happens, miss something. Usually, I have to admit it’s only the minor inconsequential stuff like a death or a job change or a relationship breakdown that I neglect to draw attention to, but to some people that stuff matters apparently. Leo Jul 23-Aug 22 Hank: I saw Andy Murray the other day. Frank: Oh yeah, did you say anything? Hank: No, I didn’t say anything; I just asked him if I could have his autograph. Frank: Not the word “anything” literally, never mind, what did he say? Hank: He said no. Frank: Did he say why not? Hank: Said he couldn’t be bothered. Frank: Probably going to play tennis. Hank: Probably. Gemini May 21-Jun 21 Your intense and not completely irrational fear of skin disease and fat people eating soufflé, is heightened when you encounter someone with both issues this month. In fact, just next Wednesday someone of quite gargantuan proportions will sit next to you on the bus. Don’t ask me what you will be doing there because I never usually stoop to associate myself with the “bus classes”. You must initiate a “Speed” type scenario immediately, telling everybody not to panic and quickly establishing a team to remove the fat person from the bus with minimal fuss. Appoint someone to quickly fill their pockets with ointment and a trusted partnership to bag them up and wrestle them to the floor. I would suggest another team of two then roll them down the aisle. Feel free to encourage the rest to shout at & prod them as they go, it will encourage team-building and participation. Now you’ve reached the endgame, assume a position at the front of the bus, with boot poised. Remember this person is morbidly obese, so start your leg strengthening exercises now and wear sturdy shoes. Do not worry about the soufflé. Group hug and resume your seat. 60
Libra Sep 23-Oct 22 I was watching an interview the other day with a ginger ex-teacher of Andy Murray, tennis man. This woman, for she was female, narrates this story about how one fine Scotlandish day she’d asked the boy Murray if he’d done his homework, to which he apparently replied: “Hoots mon, no.” Or words to that effect. So she asks him why not and, she’s gone on record with this, said that he replied: “Och aye the noo, I cannae be bothered.” To seal the deal, she then says that despite being non-committal to school-work, he was incredibly enthusiastic when it came to... playing tennis. Wow. If ever there was a story that simply had to be told, surely that was the one. Stunning don’t you agree? Professional tennis player apparently couldn’t be arsed to do homework in early days, preferred to play, wait for it, tennis. And to make it worse folks, this woman actually laughed when she said this, chuckling in a kind of “oooh this story is a real rib tickler you wouldn’t believe it kind of way.” Aries Mar 21-Apr 20 I made a conscious decision last yesterday that I am now ready to fulfill my potential as a grumpy old man. The final straws were a load of noisy motor-bikes descending on Brighton, which were just like, noisy, and some old bloke kicking an empty water-cooler sized water bottle (or should that be bootle?) into a busy road FOR NO APPARENT REASON. I therein announced to all and sundry (I was alone bar the old bloke) that from that point on I was calling in my grumpy old man status earlier than planned (I’m 11 and threequarters). Henceforth if you see me in the street leave well alone for I am grumpy. Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20 I was washing my car when that Craig David came up and asked me if I had £1 for the meter. I said no and asked him what he’d been up to recently. Big mistake; gave me the full SP and I had to say to him: “Look Craig, props bro, but I’m washing my car, let’s chat another time.” Then my phone rang and it was rentaghost. Taurus Spot the star sign.
Apr 21-May 20