Why Loneliness Can Hurt as Much as a Punch in the Face

Ed Cunningham on the impacts of loneliness and how to combat them.

If there was one thing above all else that has been instrumental to the evolution of humankind, it would be connection. Thousands of years ago, without it, you’d have had no tribe - meaning you’d have been cast out to survive on your own, where your chances of doing so would be slim. Without connection to ourselves and our conscious mind, we’d never have learned from our mistakes. Just because these connections are not tangible or even visible, that doesn’t mean they are not two of the most important things in your life. As Neitzsche said “Invisible threads are the strongest ties.”

The last year or so has shown that connection is just as important now as it has been throughout history. We may no longer be in danger of death if we’re cast aside by our tribe, but we are still in danger of diminishing our mental health in the absence of healthy relationships. The dangers are different, and maybe not as catastrophic, but a lack of connection still poses an enormous threat to our general health and wellbeing.

This wasn’t always obvious to me. I used to have a habit of isolating myself whenever I felt depressed, feeling that it would be better not to show up at all than to show up and not be at my best. I thought it was better to battle it alone and save others the burden of dealing with my low-mood. I, of course, was wrong.

Imagery by Mathilde Langevin

I know now that I wasn’t alone in that habit. My generation, the ones who have the highest recorded mental health issues in history, are also being called the loneliest generation yet. There is a direct link between the two issues. We could blame the internet. The internet was supposed to connect the world, but it’s become clear that, paradoxically, it has done the opposite. We crave human interaction. When we don’t have that, our mental health deteriorates rapidly. As Johann Hari says in his brilliant book Lost Connections “The difference between being online and being physically among people, I saw in that moment, is a bit like the difference between pornography and sex: it addresses a basic itch, but it’s never satisfying.”

In the early chapters of that book, the author cites a study conducted by John Cacioppo from the early 90’s that looks at the link between loneliness and stress hormones. He found that ‘feeling deeply lonely seemed to cause as much stress as being punched in the face by a stranger’. Having experienced both myself, I’m not really sure which I’d prefer. But, because I haven’t read any self-defence books, let’s look at the antidote to loneliness. Namely, the way we treat others.

To build lasting connections that impact the communities around us, we have to look in the mirror and assess how we treat others. It took me a while to realise this. When I was younger I, like many of us who have been groomed by a capitalist society, believed that there was no point in ‘duty for duty’s sake’ (this was much to my mum’s dismay). We should all be rewarded fairly for our contributions, right? Wrong.

As Samuel Johnson, one of the pioneers of English Literature in the 1700’s, said ‘The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good’. I’m not one for 1700’s literature, but I came across Johnson’s quote in Give and Take by Adam Grant. The book looks at the personality traits of givers, takers and matchers. We all fall into one of those categories, and unsurprisingly, it’s the ones who give the most in life who rise to the top. True givers have stronger networks, higher incomes and report higher levels of happiness than takers and matchers.

It’s no secret that giving can strengthen your connection to those around you. After all, who doesn’t like someone who helps them? Moreover, if being liked isn’t enough, givers also report higher levels of overall happiness than matchers and takers. Even if it isn’t ‘duty for duty’s sake’, giving can not only improve your connectedness to those around you, but make you a happier person, too.

'As amazing as it feels to have a strong connection to your friends and community, even when I had both, I still couldn’t help but feel something was missing. For me, that was intimate, romantic love. Like many of my fellow millennials, I decided a while ago to label myself as ‘damaged goods’. I’d chosen intimacy issues as my preferred synonym to make myself sound a little bit fancier. That was all until I read The Mastery Of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. Drawing on the wisdom of the Toltecs is not something I thought I’d do in life. What would they know, anyway? They didn’t even have Wikipedia. But there is, however, something timeless and worth paying attention to about the philosophies of old. Namely, lessons on love and compassion. One of the most important passages from the book that finally allowed me to start making more intimate connections was this: 'Why are you shopping for a dog when you want a cat?”

One of the most important passages from the book that finally allowed me to start making more intimate connections was this. ‘Why are you shopping for a dog when you want a cat?’ I feel the internet is to blame (again) for my generation’s inability to form lasting, loving, connections. You’re bombarded by hundreds, if not thousands of potential suitors any time you open a dating app, and this induces a significant degree of choice paralysis. When there’s too much in front of you for you to be able to make a decision, it’s much more difficult to choose. And even if you do choose, you’ll probably change your mind later, curious as to what would’ve happened had you taken a different route or swiped right on somebody else.

I digress. Let’s get back to that weird question: why would you shop for a dog when you want a cat? If you can’t get to know and understand what it is you require in your relationships, your romantic connections will pay the price. Reading The Mastery of Love forced me to work out whether I wanted a dog or a cat, hypothetically speaking. I wanted a dog.

eally, though, this might seem a little frivolous if you don’t truly know who you are. After all, how can you connect to a community of like minded people, or be able to enter a loving companionship, if you aren't connected to who you actually are as a person? One of the most uncomfortable but best things I've ever done to get to know myself has been going to therapy. The questions you face in front of a therapist will break down any barriers you have with your ego and help you get to the seat of your soul. But it’s not available to everyone. Luckily, there are ways you can do the work without sitting in front of an actual therapist, Dr Nicole LePera’s book, How to Do the Work, is a fantastic way to get started. The book explores healing from trauma, recognizing your self-defeating patterns and learning how to create yourself. Being disconnected from yourself looks a little like being on autopilot, which works well for some because it’s comfortable - minus the odd breakdown. But attempting to overcome your ego is one of the most rewarding journeys you’ll ever undertake. Finding yourself has become somewhat of a dirty phrase nowadays (thanks largely to the gap year explorers). Being held back from this journey because of the cliche that’s been attached is sad, since self-exploration opens the door to connectedness. And that’s what we’re missing. Almost all of us. Because above everything, connection has and always will be the key - whether we’re in an ancient tribe or modern-day office.