Patriarchy In BDSM

Trigger Warning: Mentions of BDSM, sex, sexual power dynamics, pedophilia, rape and sexual assault

Words

by Sienna S u l i c ic h

I’ve been thinking about the domain of the BDSM community for a while now, and I do understand the appeal. The community of BDSM (traditionally standing for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) comes with the promise of openness and understanding that is comforting to a lot of women, especially those who have experienced sexual assault. The reassurances of safety and open communication are upheld widely in the community, as well as the importance of aftercare for survivors, something that is foreign outside of most BDSM u n d er th e guise of openness and sexual lib e r a tion

encounters. Although BDSM generally encapsulates all things kinky, it does it in a way that puts safety and happiness as the priority, before any sexual desires even start being discussed (ideally, that is). I recently started questioning the power dynamics within the BDSM sphere and so I took to the wonderfully frightening world of NSFW (not safe for work) Twitter to see where it would lead me (reminder: stop throwing myself into researching things that I know are going to emotionally destroy me). The BDSM community is rife on Twitter. I don’t know when Twitter became so sexy, but apparently, Twitter is the new Tumblr. Underneath all the soft-core porn and sloppy make-out gifs are an abundance of submissives often looking for dominants to be their counterparts. And there are a lot of them, hundreds

and hundreds of women, wanting to get on their knees and bow their heads all in one convenient place. It may sound awfully concerning (which it is) that the patriarchal structures of the real world have resulted in the fetishisation of ultimate domestication and subservience; it’s no wonder these women turn to BDSM. You may be quick to judge, ‘why is this so-called feminist caught underneath a gummy gaming desk clad in a maid outfit if she’s such a girlboss?’

I am not bagging submissive women here, nor will I ever be (go off pillow princess, I ain’t here to judge). You’re allowed to be a feminist and not be a latex-clad dominatrix who thrives on cock and ball torture (but go off if you do, good for you). I am not blaming or shaming the women or submissives that have these fantasies, whether it be a daddy kink or consensual non-consent kink. It is completely understandable and okay for you to play out these desires in a safe space that meets your needs and with a person you trust is not taking advantage of you or your desires. It is common for many survivors of assault (and just your everyday person) to have these particular fetishes and fantasies, and that’s completely okay. A lot of women in BDSM, whether they’re submissive or dominant, come from experiences of sexual assault and find comfort in the kinky. It makes sense. The trauma of an event can lead you to have particular sexual needs or some Freudian shit (idk ask the old guy) like ultimate subservience or role-play or whatever.

I’m more concerned about a few of the dominant men in the BDSM community who have a lot of opinions about consent, assault, and aftercare, with not much experience or knowledge to back it up. The plethora of un-traumatised and overenthusiastic guys on Twitter who are more than happy to fulfil these fantasies is fucking crazy. I couldn’t count how many ‘daddy dom’ accounts I found, all of which were extremely popular. Each of these accounts has thousands of followers that they would call obscenities on the timeline (not even in direct messages, literally just on the fucking timeline). These men are so popular and yet so underwhelming; these dudes have a graphic anime header with some kinky chains layered over it (but maybe that gets your rocks off). Yet, these ‘daddy doms’ are apparently a rare commodity because of the disproportional amount of submissives to dominants; some submissive women were posting about it and calling it a ‘dom drought’ (which is so fucking iconic). And maybe that’s why many female submissives just go along with these men’s pretty out-there kinks. I don’t really know how much of these originated from the submissive’s desires, but it seems that most of the action is directed by the dominant, including the nature of the scene and kinks involved (which is made even more apparent in an online space like Twitter).

It appears that the dom drought is being severely taken advantage of. Once, one of the most popular fantasies posted by these doms involves a kink called ‘consensual non-consent.’ It sounds like an oxymoron, and that’s because it is. Essentially, the scene is discussed beforehand and consented to, and then played out as if it wasn’t. People are using the term ‘consensual non-consent’ (CNC) purely because it sounds a lot better than a rape fantasy. But that’s what it is. It’s the side of the dom that I’m more concerned about; the men fantasising about raping women and getting off on the thought of her saying no, all under the guise of ‘but it was consensual.’ Does it matter if it

was consensual at that point? It’s still a rape fantasy. A pedophile pretending an adult is a child to get off is fucked up, just like pretending to rape someone is fucked up even if you aren’t actually doing it.

On that note, let’s get into the ol’ daddy debate, shall we? The daddy kink is widely known and joked about (which is so fine, the daddy Elon joke is still funny). The protective connotations coming with these ‘father figures’ are comforting to submissives. However, the number of guys who like being called daddy is a little concerning. It’s not just the daddy thing, it’s how far it goes, because some of these Twitter doms want to fuck you, tie your shoelaces, and put you in a nappy (idk about the order, I didn’t ask).

I’m still figuring out where the line is. Sadists get off on hurting people and seeing them in pain, which sounds really fucked up, yet that’s still widely accepted in the BDSM community. Maybe, that’s due to the number of masochistic counterparts, or some psychological relationship between pleasure and pain. But ultimately, regardless of our kinks and sexual appetites, we all need to be aware of what we want and why we want it. Questioning where your desire comes from can be a good indicator of whether it’s moral to act out this fantasy. So, with open communication and a lot of lubricant, go wild! Be safe! Treat people with kindness! Check up on that one friend who likes studded collars a bit too much! And, for your own wellbeing, stay away from Twitter.