Is This Me? A Nothing Thing

Words by Chanel Trezise

There’s a storm coming, can’t you feel the warmth fade there’s light dimming, skimming over my hands- wondering distantly, light searching the horizon, begging for fruit sweeter, richer disillusioned and beyond pain.

I’m scared of night, of wolves and stars, Of an endless ambiguityA nothingness kissing me passionately.

I march tired, heaving, feet curling beneath me. voices whistle, taunting pleasure, wrapping ropes around dreams.

I was in love with the ups and downs of nothing. The intensity of promised turmoil, The fleeting adrenaline of a knife against me.

hold me down and whisper ills of my body,

love me as you destroy me.

I am lifeless, begging, Nothing but somebody’s thing, A shell salvaging stability From the wounded narratives that worked against me.

maybe they’ll fuck me into the person I want to be.

ride me till the morning, murmuring broken mutterings, staring into the void of meeyes scalding skin.

I am not supposed to be what a man wants me to be.

hollowing my bones, lapping up blood, kneeling.

Is this me? A nothing thing. Does it thrill them, When I’m cryingReliving the nightmares that soothe me.

why was my comfort the monster of my past, the roles which held me hostagethe men who bind my hands, moaning in my ear and scratching names on my legs.

I miss the simplicity of someone inside my head.

I can see a child inside me, Throwing rocks, scraping salvation Begging shadows of worlds lost. Old blood pooled by her feetHer eyes are big and glassyNaive.

I am more than a body, when I heard her beside me I screamed.

I am sorryMy body betrayed me, My mind moaned white noise.

She abandoned me.

Men moulded an image of what I could be, I kissed their feet.

Death never came, Despite days neverending, Tears climbing into my chest, Filling lungs breathless.

I found solace without light, Warmth in the places pain could never be.

Content in the complexity of apathetic stability. Nights of tenderness- Kisses and people, Filled with love and nothing but the best.