WHICH MALE MANIPULATOR ALBUM ARE YOU?

I’ve come across my fair share of male manipulators in my lifetime. I’ve also spent many hours and years entertaining myself with astrology. So if you’ve ever wondered what font of male manipulator you are, I can confidently say I am the authority on this issue. (Before you get butthurt at the truth, I used my spotify as reference for this article).

CANCER | JUN 21-JUL 22 UNKNOWN PLEASURES, JOY DIVISION

We’re starting off with a classic - something selfvictimising and brooding to soundtrack Cancer season. You watched Control and villainized Ian Curtis’ wife for getting angry when Ian cheated on her. You suck at film photography.

LEO | JUL 23-AUG 22 THE SMITHS, THE SMITHS

The Smiths’ self-titled album is popular, well-loved and timeless - everything you aspire to be. But in reality, you are just like Morrissey - entitled, attention-seeking and annoying. You are most likely oblivious to your own cringe.

VIRGO | AUG 21-SEP 22 EITHER/OR, ELLIOTT SMITH

I bet a lot of people are concerned about you. You act like you are better than other people because you don’t ‘waste time’ on relationships, and play the devil’s advocate in your poli sci classes. But deep down, you know you’re lonely and tired.

Libras can be likened to Aphex Twin because they’re strange and complicated, but not necessarily all that great, yet people will pretend to like them because they think they’re cool, unbothered and edgy.

SCORPIO | OCT 23-NOV 21 DEATHCONSCIOUSNESS, HAVE A NICE LIFE

I actually like this album a lot, but I don’t know that many Scorpios. Based on my limited experience, Scorpios are intense and cool but cringe at the same time. You tend to lash out and embarrass yourself. I respect your ability to really hold onto grudges.

SAGITTARIUS | NOV 22-DEC 21 ANY CLAIRO ALBUM

You don’t actually listen to songs that aren’t Bags or Pretty Girl, and you don’t respect Clairo as an artist - you pretend to like her to get women. In short, you’re ‘ran through’ and there is a high chance that if I meet you I won’t like you. CAPRICORN | DEC 22-JAN 19 DRIVE (2011) OST

You genuinely believe in grindset. You probably only like girls who don’t have opinions or aspirations.

AQUARIUS | JAN 20-FEB 18 STRATOSPHERE, DUSTER

You grew up being called the gifted child, but now you just have unresolved attention issues and struggle to open up to others. You probably have mommy issues.

PISCES | FEB 19-MAR 20 AMERICAN FOOTBALL, AMERICAN FOOTBALL

The god of all male manipulators. You share the sign with Machine Gun Kelly, who got his wife an engagement ring that will injure her if she tries to remove it. Like Cancers, they love playing victim. Cannot commit to save their lives.

ARIES | MAR 21-APR 20 AROUND THE FUR, DEFTONES

You think you’re a sex god, a rebel, maybe even an edgelord. Actually, you’re a little bit cringe. Aries men remind me of those bearded millennial men on Tiktok claiming to love to put their partner’s pleasure first and how good they are at it, but in reality last about 3 minutes and don’t realise that they’re faking it.

TAURUS | APR 21-MAY20 BLOND, FRANK OCEAN

An easy listen, just like making friends with a Taurus. At first glance they’re sweet, down-to-earth and caring. But once you get to know them, you start to see their toxic sides. Taurus men buy their clothes from Universal Store. Stay away. GEMINI | MAY 21-JUN 21 RACE, ALEX G

Playful, spontaneous and smart, but with a hefty dose of superiority complex - just like the discography of Alex G. Effortlessly cool, but oftentimes alienating.