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r e a l li v e s
p h oto g r a p h s dav i d y e o
Shared parental leave is available to all and yet being a stay-at-home dad is still not cool. Here, Jimi Famurewa meets the men giving it a rebrand…
the men who tak e sharenting s e r i o u s ly
Strangers in big cities may not say hello to each other, but flexibly employed dads certainly do. In playgrounds and parks across the country, it is a brotherhood of sorts. However, it’s a brotherhood with an image problem. Last month, the Department for Business announced that – with take-up for shared parental leave estimated to be just 2% – it was launching a £1.5m campaign to encourage more of Britain’s 285,000 eligible fathers to make the leap, including salary incentives for those who opt in. Financial jitters are undoubtedly behind the average guy’s reluctance to swap business for baby yoga. But there’s also a pervading cultural stigma that’s swaying even the most enlightened of men. Think stay-at-home dad and there’s every chance you probably conjure up Kevin from BBC Two hit comedy Motherland: a neutered, touchy-feely numpty, haplessly trying to get his high-powered wife to sleep with him. Thankfully, though, there are also signs that the tide is turning. New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s partner
– TV presenter Clarke Gayford – has announced that, when their first child arrives in June, he’ll take a career break. It’s a ‘lean out’ attitude that chimes with my own decision, made two years ago, to downshift from a full-time job at a newspaper to go freelance (although my self-employed wife was still providing the bulk of the care) so I could take a more active role in family life. And, equally, it tallies with a changing employment landscape: last year, official figures revealed that the number of working mothers in the UK had risen by a million in 20 years. Sweden is the best role model. A couple of years ago, I was sent to report on the ‘latte papas’ who, aided by financial dividends and decades of equality legislation, think nothing of taking six months off to look after their kids. The thing that has stayed with me from that trip – even more than the shrugging, urbane Swedish dads who stubbornly refused to see themselves as progressive superheroes – is a kindly older woman I met at a playgroup, who told me her husband drew baffled chuckles when he decided to become a stay-at-home dad back in the ’70s. Old-fashioned attitudes did not evaporate overnight. And our new wave of stay-at-home dads may just be the shock troops setting a fairer world in motion. Here, four men offer their tales from a new parental frontier. 103
r e a l li v e s
‘ we’re all winging it’
‘ i’ve never felt inadequate’
‘ Friends think I’m having an easy life’ Darren Mason, 39, is a former music teacher and DJ. He looks after his daughter Nayyer, three, and one-year-old son Ezra (above) full-time. His partner, Ruth, works for a charity. There was a period when Ruth and I were both working five days a week, both knackered by Friday. So we thought, if we were in a position where one of us could take a career break, then we would. It can be trying at times but I don’t think I 104
anticipated how good it can be. A lot of friends think I’m having the easy life, which is funny. Sometimes I think Ruth does get a bit annoyed at being the main breadwinner. That’s challenging. But I’ve been on both sides and it’s basically the same complaint. The long-term plan is for us to both work part-time but, for now, this is my job and I’m trying to be professional in it.
Richard with daughter Flo, 23
Jamie Day, 37, gave up a career in education to focus on his work as a blogger (@adayinthelifedad) and take care of five-year-old daughter Edie (below) and son Arlo, two. His wife, Georgia, is a journalist. I used to work at a private school and I got more holiday than Georgia, so more often than not I was at home with the kids. Because of that, when I decided to fully pursue blogging, it wasn’t going to be that much of a change. My friends are quite jealous of the time I get to spend with Edie and Arlo.
‘more guys should experience it’ Gareth Watkins, 43, is a journalist. While his girlfriend, Sophie, works for an online fashion retailer, he has extended his shared parental leave to look after their daughters, Elodie, four, and one-year-old Romy (above). Styling: emma gold. hair and make-up: desmond grundy at terri manduca. Jamie Wears his own clothes. Gareth Wears Shirt and blazer from River Island, jeans and boots, his own. Darren Wears jumper from Cos, jeans and shoes, his own
Richard Morrissey, 54, a former financial writer, is a Buddhist meditation teacher and is married to City executive Dame Helena Morrissey. They have nine children, aged from nine to 26, and Richard has been a stay-at-home dad since the birth of their fifth child, Clara, now 17. After our fifth child arrived, I felt that I was tired of office life. We decided I would go freelance and work from home, so the move to becoming a stay-at-home dad was gradual rather than dramatic. Money was a factor, but I also felt I could have a positive impact on our children’s lives. I definitely see a lot more fathers doing the school pick-up and parents’ meetings now than in the past, but that may be down to the increase in working on the go. It has sometimes been a bit lonely and I’ve had to adjust to what might be seen as more mundane tasks. But I have other interests, such as religion and art. I felt guilty sometimes, early on, that Helena was the main breadwinner. I never felt inadequate, though, and the idea that I ever would shows that some of these old perceptions are still very much in place.
I’m effectively a stay-at-home dad, but I’ve set up a business where I can earn as well. I’m the only dad at the school gates, which can be lonely. And any parent knows that getting two kids out of the door can be stressful. But we’re all winging it and learning every day. I’m in such a lucky position to spend so much time with my kids when so many dads don’t see theirs until the weekend. You’re pulling your hair out sometimes by the end of the day, but Georgia has been hugely supportive – I do get breaks to go to the football, meet friends and give my hair a chance to grow back.
I had quite a tough summer in my old job, after Romy was born, so the idea of three months of parental leave was appealing. Although taking the plunge was a bit of a ‘What the hell?’ moment. It would be beneficial for more guys to do it and experience that weird midafternoon ennui, where you’re pushing a pram and watching people go about their business. I’ve also realised that, even though I tried to be a hands-on modern man, there was a lot I didn’t know. I’d sometimes leave the house without the kids’ water cups. If I hadn’t had the experience of shared parental leave, I’d have been like a rabbit in the headlights, just turning the telly on for them. I’ve started doing a 20-minute yoga workout during nap time and, when that doesn’t go to plan, it can be challenging. I haven’t felt any inadequacy about being a full-time dad, not for one second. Although, when my girlfriend’s mum proudly described me as a ‘house husband’ I may have got a little bit spiky… 105