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-day” “Love doesn’t exist. And at our first date spot, really? That’s fucking cheesy.” “It’s romantic.” “It’s not romantic. It’s nauseating.” “Is this a sick joke?” “No. But you are. Pull over. I’m going to go fuck your sister.” Henry pulls over to the side of the road and lets Susan out. “Is this really over?” “Yes. I’m looking forward to never seeing you again.” Susan walks away, pauses on her way down the block to spit on his car. Henry begins to drive away. Soon, he begins to hysterically cry. It’s a real messy cry. Not even worth sympathy. There’s snot everywhere and he’s making obscure animal sounds. The tears affect his vision. He can no longer see the road. Meanwhile, Leopold and Jeremy are simultaneously approaching their respective epiphanies. Jeremy turns to Leopold, “I have my life figured out. It’s all so” Slam. Henry’s car veered off the road, onto the sidewalk, straight through Jeremy into the coffee shop. Jeremy’s body is torn apart. His limbs fly out onto the sidewalk. His beating heart falls onto Leopold’s computer, ruining the stainless steel. He’s dead. Gone. Leopold can’t believe it. Henry exits the car unscathed. He walks outside, takes the heart, and throws it in the garbage. At the corner he takes a moment to light a cigarette as he begins to load a gun he was keeping in his pocket. Leopold’s bike is five feet away. It’d be an easy escape from the
madman. But stupidly he stays to finish his cup of coffee. He paid too much to only drink half of it. Soon enough, Henry is back. He mistakes Leopold for his older brother Jerry. “You fucking bastard Jerry. You fucked Diane. I mean Susan. How could you?” He points the gun at Leopold’s head. Leopold throws his hands in the air. “I didn’t do anything. I’m not Jerry.” Henry doesn’t want to hear it. “I hate you Jerry. I hate you!” He’s still pouring snot. It gets all over Leopold. “You’re coming with me.” He grabs Leopold and throws him in the trunk of the car. As he backs out he knocks over the unfinished cup of coffee. Henry drives Leopold to his apartment and proceeds to rape, torture, and eventually kill him. As soon as this is over, Susan returns, says she was joking and hopes he didn’t do anything rash. She confesses that she loves him too and couldn’t live without him. They begin make love. It’s the best sex anybody has ever had. As she’s about to have an orgasm he kills her. She goes to Atheist Hell because she actually was a Catholic.
By Leopold Spohngellert (University of Virginia)