CMYK
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T A S
Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019 I Issue 143 I Pages 04 I Sections 06 I Rs 30
What idiot demands PM resignation from atop container, asks imran
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rIME Minister Imran Khan came down hard on JuI-F chief Maulana Fazl-urrehman on Friday while speaking at a function in Gilgit. “You have to be a special kind of doofus to actually expect for the Prime Minister of a country to
simply tender his resignation and just up and leave,” he said, while addressing the Azadi Parade at the 72nd Independence Day of Gilgit. The prime minister, who had set up a seven-member government committee to hold talks with opposition ahead of the march, targeted Pakistan Muslim
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League-nawaz, Pakistan Peoples Party, Maulana Fazlur rehman and Mehmood Khan Achakzai in his speech at a gathering. “For God’s sake, you lot are embarrassing yourselves, strutting atop a bloody container, making overly emotional speeches that are interrupted by loud songs playing your silly anthems,” he said. “Just go home.” g
Kashmir still india’s internal matter because visiting eU delegation was anti-Muslim like us: Modi
‘Baghdadi still alive,’ confirms Osama bin Laden
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UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
bu bakr al-baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State (ISIS), who according to the uS President Donald Trump “died” on Sunday, is still “alive and well” claims Al-Qaeda Founder and Leader Osama bin Laden. Talking exclusively to The Dependent, bin Laden rubbished American claims of closing in on baghdadi, who Washington said detonated a suicide vest to kill himself during a uS raid in north-west Syria. “They claim all kinds of things ahead of Election Year to support their re-election bid,” bin Laden said while talking to this scribe. “Trust me, soon Turkish Army
and civil leadership will claim that it had no idea that baghdadi was so close to their border. Then a barisha Commission will be formed to compile a report, the findings of which won’t ever be revealed,” the al-Qaeda founder added. When asked how he was so sure that baghdadi was still alive, bin Laden replied reflexively. “Oh, come on I just Facetimed with him earlier today. Fazlullah met him yesterday,” he said referring to the leader of the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan, believed to have been killed in a uS drone strike. “If you don’t believe me, just ask Hakimullah Mehsud,” bin Laden added referring to the leader of the Tehreeke-Taliban Pakistan, believed to have been killed in a uS drone strike. g
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SRINAGAR
n his first exclusive interview since a group of European union lawmakers undertook the first visit by a foreign delegation to Jammu & Kashmir, following new Delhi revoking its autonomy in August, Prime Minister narendra Modi maintained that Kashmir still is the ‘internal matter’ of India. Talking to The Dependent, Modi said those who believe that the visit of an Eu delegation compromises new Delhi’s position, are completely missing the point. “I would suggest those jumping to conclusion to spare some time and go through the list of the Eu delegates that visited Kashmir. They range from nazi sympathisers to torchbearers of fascism. And what binds many of them is the fact that they are proudly anti-
Muslim – like us,” the Indian premier said pointing to himself during the video interview. “Therefore, if people like us go and visit an area that we have under our complete control, they will like what they see, and they will say what we want them to say. Hence, Kashmir remains well and truly the internal matter of India,” he added, still pointing towards himself.
Peshawar grinds to halt after 3 JUI-F activists block narrow part of Khyber Road left by BRT
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HE city of Peshawar was brought to a complete standstill after a large rally of three JuI-F activists blocked whatever bit of Khyber road that was left by the construction of the bus rapid Transit (brT). “This shutdown of the city’s main artery first sent traffic reverberations across the provincial capital and then completely brought the city down,” said SSP Saleem Khattak, Chief Traffic Officer, Peshawar. “nothing coming in to the city, nothing going
out. nothing moving within. That’s the power of large rallies, I suppose.” “This is completely unacceptable and irresponsible behaviour,” said Chief Minister Mahmood Khan. “And what I would also like to know is where is the Maulana getting the funding for such large rallies,” he said. JuI-F officials said they will release the funding details of the rs 232-rupee rickshaw ride that the three took, the rs 75 they spent on water and the total of rs 630 they ‘lavishly’ spent on getting ghwakhawrewjay packed from board. g
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Further emphasising his point, Modi said that some of the Eu lawmakers had more in common with him than members of his own bharatiya Janata Party (bJP). “It was almost as if numerous Yogi Adityanath jees and Sadhvi Pragya Thakur jees were visiting Kashmir to report on the situation there. What could be more internal than that?” g
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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
02 OPINION&EDITORIAL I M AG E S O F T H E W E E K
Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019
E D I TO R I A L
Go Selected Go!
The Selector, however…
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fiery set of speeches the other day at Peshawar Morr, Islamabad. The Maulana, Bilawal and Shehbaz Sharif all came down hard on what they called the ‘selected’ government of Imran Khan. The speeches rained down on the present government against the rigging that it had done by whoever did the rigging at the behest of the present
government. The speakers said that national institutions (of which, the Pakistan Council of Water Research, Pakistan Army and Pakistan Bureau of Statistics are examples) should maintain their neutrality and not be swayed, charmed and seduced by the present government. In this issue: an increasingly woke Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman has added climate change to his list of demands and has
requested to be enrolled in a feminist theory class at LuMS through distance learning from his container. Meanwhile, an impressive rally of three JuI-F workers have brought the city of Peshawar to a grinding halt. Meanwhile, the country is coming to terms with the idea that they might never be able to pronounce, spell or understand ‘bienniale.’ or is it ‘bienialle?’ ‘Biennale?’ g
OPINION
Yo-yoing between afghanistan and Pakistan, i’m the toba tek Singh of the af-Pak border N OT T H E D E P E N D E N T
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By Af-PAk NAtioNAl HAmdullAH
ou know I’ve done so many things that have made it to the media headlines. I won’t get into all of them because it’s a really long list, and some of the things that I’ve said mightn’t be publishable in this noble space that the opinion section of the prestigious publication The Dependent is. The reason why I’m featuring here this week, is because of the unique experience of mine, which the editors of the publication felt needed to be shared with its worthy readers. So here goes nothing – or something, depending on how I wake up the next day. Yes, I’ve realised that life was always a day to day matter, and perhaps should always have been lived that way. For me, over the past week, it’s been a case of, one day you’re Afghan, the next day you’re Pakistani. of course, one can be both as well, and there’s no contradiction in that. However, to understand that simple reality might be beyond the scope of this piece, indeed for the many who played their part in creating the recent issue – and most definitely those who are consuming their valuable time reading something that I have written. Even so, while one can be both Afghan and Pakistani, one is told that one cannot be a national of both Afghanistan and Pakistan. And yet that is what I experienced this week, which by what I have been told is indeed a unique experience. For starters, now I know exactly how light feels. The dual nature of light, which in some experiments behaves as a wave and in others as a particle, is exactly like my current dual nature. Perhaps a Thomas Young of 2019 should throw me between two adjacent slits, or a modern day Albert Einstein could prove what the effect takes place when a beam of Hamdullah is pushed into a metal. Indeed, the dual nature of my existence in terms of the nationality isn’t the only duality that I’ve experience in recent times. What I’ve also seen is
that I’m simultaneously conservative and liberal – which arguably is more paradoxical than wave and particle, or Afghanistan and Pakistan nationals. Those that wished the worst for us until recently are now championing our cause. And some of those that hailed us in the past now don’t want to look at us. Experiencing such contradictory centrifugal and centripetal forces simultaneously within and without pushed me to think more about life and read up further – as is evidenced by this masterpiece of literature that I’m currently in the middle of scribing. And gradually, all the while pondering over my existence and mulling who exactly I am, I chanced upon Manto’s Toba Tek Singh. That’s when it hit me. Yo-yoing between Afghanistan and Pakistan, I’m the Toba Tek Singh of the Af-Pak border. And while the other border was violently embraced the divide, this side still has many Toba Tek Singhs. g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK
AZADI MARCH 03
Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019
Self-doubting liberal still struggling with Nawaz’s progressive label now has to cheer for Fazlur rehman
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Woke Fazl adds neoliberalism, climate change to growing list of Azadi March causes
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ISLAMABAD
S the azadi March demanding the premier’s resignation edged close to the federal capital on Thursday, Jamiat Ulema-eislam Fazl (JUi-F) Chief Fazlur Rehman continued to add to the snowballing rally. according to sources in the JUi-F leadership, the additions aren’t limited to the increasing number of political leaders aligning themselves with the march, but also include the growing list of causes that the
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azadi March is taking up. and in an exclusive interview given to The Dependent from his container, Fazlur Rehman said that the latest issues to be included in the protest list are neoliberalism and climate change. “neoliberalism was born in Chile and will die in Chakwal,” Rehman said while talking to this scribe during the early hours of Thursday. “and it is the change in the political climate that was artificially created last year that
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aving struggled with upholding the progressive label of Pakistan Muslim Leaguenawaz (PML-n) Supremo and three-time Prime Minister nawaz Sharif over the past two and a half years, self-doubting liberal Mairaj Bashir, 52, is now dreading the prospect of having to cheer for Jamiat Ulema-e-islam Fazl (JUi-F) Chief Fazlur Rehman. Mairaj Bashir, a professor of social sciences at a leading university, on Wednesday was looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling icky at the political narrative that he is now upholding. “Mairaj, you overlooked the entire history of nawaz Sharif, because you felt that he has transformed and is now
standing up for all the right things. That was hard to do – and still is,” he said out loud. “Then you gradually accepted the fact that the Pakistan People’s Party that you long supported was never really secular or liberal despite its claims, and definitely doesn’t do anything deserving of those labels these days. That was hard to do as well,” he added. “But now your peers ask you to support Fazl-ur-Rehman. Yes, a rabid anti-Semitic, islamist cleric, who wants to enforce Sharia in the country, just because he is on your side of the fight this time around. i can’t even begin to…” g
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Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019
ARTS
Nation struggles with correct spelling, pronunciation and meaning of Biennale
NCA graduates disappointed at not being persecuted for their art LAHORE Our MOdel COrrespOndent
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we are here to resist,” he added. The JUi-F chief said that now that he is being backed by many liberals across the country, it is time to adhere to his new found wokeness. “imran niazi, you have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words,” an emotionally charged Rehman said. “We are in the beginning of a political extinction and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth – how dare you!” g
LAHORE
Peaking at a press conference, the alumni of the national College of arts released a joint statement expressing their dismay at the lack of persecution for their art. “We knew that, on an average, there wasn’t going to be much money in the field, and that was something we were mentally prepared for,” said Haider Razzaq, who graduated last year. “But we were not prepared for no one being enraged by the controversial content of our art.” “i thought my symbolic representation of the class divide in our country through donkey carcasses arranged to form the chamber of commerce logo would
infuriate the capitalist class, who would send their henchmen to tear down my paintings and beat me up,” said Samia ghumman, class of 2000. “But no such thing happened.” “The same is the case with me,” said Uzair Rehman, sculpture major, class of 2009. “i thought my abstract representation of the folly of the two-nation theory (somehow by juxtaposing cow dung figurines with beef figurines) would catch the wrath of the nazaria-e-Pakistan types, who would thrash me about a bit, but…..” The joint statement of the press conference demanded that the government of Pakistan should immediately deploy police contingents to make sure that the artists suffer for their art. g
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S karachi’s premier social event showcasing the edgiest, most profound art, attended by the intellectual and liberal cream of the metropolitan city turned controversial for all the wrong reasons, the entire country, on Sunday, was thrown into a tizzy as the nation struggled to grasp the correct meaning, spelling and pronunciation of the word ‘Biennale’. Story of the forced closure of an installation at the event was quickly taken over, in terms of virality, by heated debates over how the word is pronounced. Things went from bad to worse, as multiple restaurants, at islamabad’s upscale kohsar Market, had to eject customers who after screaming incorrect pronunciations of the word at each other resorted to fists and blades. “i was just standing there
shocked, looking at the madness unfold. i mean it’s just a word goddammit! Just a word!” commented one bystander unable to control his emotions, breaking down in tears. The online world was not exempt from the chaos as arguments over the meaning of the word caused Dictionary.com to temporarily crash while there were multiple
reports of widespread issues with the functionality of the Ctrl and v keys of laptops and PCs. The Dependent’s research wing calculates around 99.2% of Facebook users, in their comments, had spelt the word wrongly, the closest version being ‘Biennale’. at time of writing the writer had used Windows autocorrect a mere two times. g
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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.
CMYK Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019
YOU
Heartless Zuckerberg won’t help out despite knowing what you need to text bae next on Facebook chat
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YOUR FACEBOOK CHAT WINDOW
IleNTly watching you make a complete fool out of yourself, despite hours being consumed in this protracted attempt to dodge bae’s wrath, heartless Founder and CeO of Facebook mark Zuckerberg won’t help you out in this agonisingly growing crisis. According to eyewitnesses, a majority of which consist of Artificial Intelligence (AI) sources compromised by the world class team of The Dependent’s hackers, Zuckerberg is just sitting there after a long day of prolific work translating into additions to his $70 billion net worth, as he
Self-respecting hockey team won’t win till you can name 3 current Pakistan players without googling
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experiences your shambles, which remains the Facebook founder’s favourite pastime. “Wow, you really think that would work!” Zuckerberg mocked you out loud, the front facing 4Xl, 100x zoom camera of his uniquely customised smartphone, along with its state-of-the-art 4.5 mm socket mic, revealed. “haha, that emoticon again” thought Zuckerberg while going through the entirety of your text exchange with bae, the yet to be unveiled remote neural monitoring feature of Facebook informed The Dependent. however, sources further
confirm that the Facebook CeO knows precisely what you need to tell bae next to make things better. According to data available exclusively with The Dependent, Facebook’s big data features millions of partners having the exact same conversation, with the social media giant coming up with algorithms to determine patterns of instant messaging conversation and their relative success rates. “What a loser!” the leading technology entrepreneur and artificial intelligence guru was exclaiming while staring at his smartphone’s screen at press time. g
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‘Forza JUI-F’ – Govt accuses Azadi March of using Cristiano Ronaldo fans to make up numbers
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afridi tops newly-introduced ‘re-emerging’ category in PSL draft
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he burden of the revival of the national sport was put squarely on your shoulders on Sunday, when the Pakistan hockey team clarified that it just won’t start winning anything meaningful till you can name three members of the current Pakistani squad without looking them up on Google. Pakistan, which failed to qualify for the second straight Olympics after having been beaten 6-1 by Netherlands in the second qualifier at Amsterdam on Sunday, is currently ranked 17th in the world as the national side continues its slump in a sport it once dominated. And now the hockey team has clarified that it’s up to you to ensure that it retraces its glory days. “We have too much selfrespect to go out of our way to work hard for a nation that does
not even know who we are,” the national hockey team told your subconscious on Sunday. “When the cricket team loses even a pointless T20 match the whole country goes insane. And here we aren’t even qualifying for the Olympics and no one cares – where is Dr Nauman Niaz?” the hockey team further asked you. As a result, the team has decided that they won’t perform till you can name three members of the current Pakistan hockey squad whenever randomly asked in any point in time, over the near future. “Or even two. Or the captain to begin with – yes, do you know who the captain of the Pakistan hockey team is?” the hockey team further asked you. At bedtime, you conveniently put the burden back on the Pakistan hockey team, telling them you’d start to know who they are once they start winning some matches. g
Sunday, 03 - 09 November, 2019
TURIN/ISLAMABAD
lAmbOyANT all-rounder Shahid Afridi topped the charts when the Pakistan Cricket board (PCb) announced the new categories of Pakistani players for the fifth edition of the Pakistan Super league (PSl). “The Pakistan Super league will once again feature the best of Pakistani cricket talent as a new category of local players is being introduced,” a media release by the cricket board read. With the local players’ categories renewed, the PSl has also decided to introduce a sixth category for PSl 2020. In addition to Platinum, Diamond, Gold, Silver and emerging, a sixth category has been unveiled for the upcoming
YOUR CONSCIENCE
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06 SPORTS
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season entitled, ‘Re-emerging’. And as expected, boom boom Afridi sits atop the Re-emerging category, as the most coveted T20 star under that billing. The Re-emerging category contains the players who have participated in the game for a long time, including previous editions of the tournament, previous formats of the game, previous eras of the sport, and previous evolution stages of humankind. According to sources, where the teams reserve the right to float relegation requests for the players’ categories before finalising retentions, the team that chooses to opt for Shahid Afridi will concede all powers to the man sitting atop the Re-emerging category. g
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S tens of thousands protestors affiliated with the Jamiat Ulema-e-Islam Fazl (JUI-F) led protest marched into the capital on Thursday, the government criticised the ‘inflated’ numbers of the Azadi march, accusing the rally of ‘merging unrelated causes’. While addressing a press conference, Special Assistant to the Prime minister on Information and broadcast Firdous Ashiq Awan accused the JUI-F of being largely made up of fans of Italian football club Juventus. “The Azadi march is just a massive gathering of Cristiano Ronaldo fans,” said Awan while talking to the media. “Of course, given the merger of hala-GGmUForza fans because of Ronaldo, this rally of Juventus fans
also overlaps with fans of Real madrid and manchester United, many of whom want to bask in the glory of the eight-time Serie A champions,” the special advisor added. According to The Dependent’s team of investigative journalists, the Azadi march is indeed being backed by Juventus as the club looks to capitalise on the growing football base in Pakistan
at a time when Cristiano Ronaldo is still playing for the Serie A champions. “Juventus fans have existed in Pakistan for decades and now we want the number to grow and become the highest in the country. That’s why we are funding the Azadi march. Forza JUI-F!” said a member of the entourage of the Juventus Chairman Andrea Agnelli. g
Satire
The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.