When Hope is Chosen, April 4

Monday, April 4

Romans 15:13: May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

In our darkest moments, it is almost impossible to choose hope. It is then, when others choose for us, that everything in our lives can change. It is also those times we never want to talk about. For me, it was 27 years ago. I had always been a top student and hard worker. I had no student debt thanks to a full scholarship. I had graduated with honors and was working for NASA. I had even co-authored a paper published in a major journal. Everything was great. Especially when I was offered my dream job in Denver.

When I moved to Denver, I knew only one person (a college boyfriend) who happened to also get a job on the same program. The next several months were not as wonderful. I knew almost no one. I worked in a company of mostly older men, so making friends was not easy. I felt isolated. My family had also suffered a tragedy and was reacting with extreme chaos. The isolation and family chaos took a toll, and I entered counseling. That was when things got worse.

Back then, talking about mental health was taboo, and I knew little about it. So when a few months into counseling I was placed on a new-to-the-market antidepressant, I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t question the potential side effects. I just assumed if it was prescribed and I took it, all would be fine. Unfortunately, it would be almost 10 years later that the manufacturer was found to have covered up how this medication adversely affected teens and young adults, causing suicidal ideation. I was one of those young adults. My depression quickly escalated into erratic behavior and suicidal ideation. Much of the behavior surrounded friends and relationships (including the college boyfriend) at work, since I did not know many people in Colorado. Within weeks, everything I had worked for, the reputation I had built, was destroyed. The suicidal ideation was not the worst of it. For me, it was the day my roommate and coworker pulled me from work because, not only was she concerned for my life, but she knew a complaint had been filed against me with HR. Fortunately for me, she recognized what was happening as she was one of the only people that knew I was in counseling. And I was even more fortunate that she had a hotline number in hand. So when I entered the HR office to have the most humiliating parts of my life discussed with strangers, I also had a plan to accept medical leave to enter an outpatient program. That was the hardest day of my life.

The second hardest was the day I started the program. Already taken off the medication, I was beginning to see reality again and I was devastated. I had destroyed my only friendships in Colorado and my reputation at work. I did not see hope. Then, the hope came from the last place I ever expected. On the first day of the program, I received a card in the mail. The mother of the college boyfriend, the person I had probably harmed the most, had written me a simple note. She just told me that she was proud of me for seeking help and I could call her if I needed to talk. This woman who had many reasons to be angry with me, recognized that I was broken and offered me hope and love. It was an act so selfless that I knew I had to honor it. I honored it by going to the program, by returning to work after the program. And I continue to honor it by striving to choose hope and love not just for myself, but for those that have lost hope. Because I have experienced the power of someone else choosing hope and love for me.

Throughout my experiences, I have found great comfort and encouragement in the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Amen

Alice Wurst