Love is Patient, March 11

Friday, March 11 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Two confessions of truth: The people closest to us are often the hardest to love. AND I don’t do old people well. That is particularly tough admission since some would say I am on the cusp of being “old people” myself. Old people are slow, forgetful, frail, and cranky. But now I find myself in the position of being the primary caregiver for my aging mother. She has mild to moderate dementia. If you haven’t spent a great deal of time with someone with declining memory, imagine it like dealing with a toddler with gray hair and wrinkles, reminding them to put on a coat before they go outside or they need to use the bathroom before we go for a car ride. For the most part, she does a decent job taking care of herself, however making complex decisions or remembering things she was recently told or has done is particularly difficult for her and profoundly frustrating for me. Mom had a mind like a steel trap. She could rattle off the name of every boy I ever dated, as well as the model of car they drove. She had recipes memorized for hundreds of dishes she made when she was in food service. Now she can’t remember how to turn on her oven, or scarier for me, how to turn it off. I get 6-8 phone calls a day from her with questions about something she saw on TV or read on her calendar (Mom: have I gotten the vaccine? Me: Yes mom, 3 of them. Mom: I don’t remember, I forget things sometimes. Me: I know, it’s ok) Same questions, over and over and over again. With each irritating phone call, I feel I just can’t do it anymore. Old people are hard! I am reminded by the oft quoted at weddings “love passage” in Paul’s 2nd letter to the Corinthians, that love is an action verb. Love is patient and kind. Seriously? Patient during the 8th phone call of the day about the same thing? I have found it helpful to prepare myself for the act of love when dealing with her. When the phone call interrupts my workday for the umpteenth time, I take a deep breath and a long exhale, centering my mind into a space to be kind, before I pick it up. When I am driving to her home for the 3rd time that day, I pray for God to help me choose love—to grant me patience and trust God With Us as we journey forward. As I spend more time with her, intentionally choosing to lead with love, I have found that old people are not as frail as I thought. I held her hand as she got a bone marrow biopsy last month, and saw her stoicism through dozens of blood tests. Give her the assistance of a walker and she is faster than I am! She is wise and funny and especially kind—all things that go unnoticed when I am in a hurry. She is teaching me that slowness has its benefits. Perhaps, with God’s help, I can do old people well after all! Spiritual practices for times when it is hard to choose love: Pray immediately prior to dealing with a difficult person to help you lead with love and patience. If you have no time for an extensive meditative prayer, try what I call a Yahweh prayer. Inhale deeply and say or think Yaaaahhhh, exhale slowly and say or think weeeehhh – take a moment to feel the holy spirit settle your heart and mind before reacting. Lisa Selzler