An Aspiring Wino’s Advice How to drink your mom’s old box wine, by a YouTube sommelier. By Thom Joe Von The beer is gone, I’m getting laid off and I have no idea whether or not my useless bachelor’s in creative writing is going to be worth anything after everything opens back up, but why whine about all that when you can WINE about it! You read that right, I’m talking that sweet tangy grape juice, that sacred sacrament fit for both Kraft cheese and DoorDashed Taco Bell, I’m talking about our cardboard communion, I’m talking box wine. To hell with showing up to Zoom classes and finishing assignments, I’ve decided to follow my true passion: watching YouTube videos on wine tasting and writing about it for the internet.
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Art by Margot Rita Where better to start than the boxes of Franzia chardonnay and cabernet sauvignon that you found tucked away in your mom’s cupboard for Christ knows how long? To start with the chardonnay, you should begin the tasting session by promptly opening Netflix, scrolling for something to watch for 40 minutes and then settling on “Friends” for the upteenth time because god has abandoned us and we’re in the middle of a pandemic with no good TV to watch. If you get a hit of crushing loneliness from the “I’ll be there for you” intro don’t be afraid to remove the worryingly discolored bag of chardonnay from its dusty cardboard sarcophagus. Then feel free to cry and scream into it like the pillow at my — I mean — your therapist’s office. Once this crucial step in the box wine drinking ritual has been completed, go on to top off both of your parents commemorative wedding glasses, which your mom hid away in the garage after the divorce, and ask yourself if you still believe in love. Once you’ve decided that you do believe
