REFLECTIONS OF A soon-to-be College Graduate

WRITTEN BY JESSICA SUTTER

RUSSELL

pushing questions of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” were bestowed upon you. What did you like to do before those pressures were thrown on you? I think even as adults, it’s important for us to get in touch with that part of ourselves; to rediscover what made us happiest in our most careless and innocent times, and never let that go as you grow up, even when your responsibilities increase.

So many things change in all of the years that you are in school. It used to be terrifying having no one to eat lunch with or play with at recess, but now I’m not at all afraid to eat lunch by myself on the lawn under the trees; in fact I find so much peace in it. I used to dread going to school once it wasn’t just arts and crafts anymore; I would pretend to be sick so that I could stay home, but now that I’m done with all those terrible math classes, and I’m just learning things that I find interesting, it’s more enjoyable. A lot of the social pressures we now realize were silly are gone; some people still act the same, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t care anymore about these small things, but I also treat everything with so much more care than before.

As most Long Beach Unified School District students do, I took a field trip here when I was in 4th or 5th grade; I remember the school provided lunches with cookies so rock hard a student threw them at a brick wall, and it didn’t break. Luckily now I’m on a giant campus with multiple restaurants instead of one small cafeteria of frozen food. The school seemed so big and endless, and now I’m here as an adult and it feels much smaller. Although, the world feels much, much bigger.

You always idolize graduating all those years you’re in school, but when you get to that point, you start having scary new feelings about it. I remem- ber writing on my great grandma’s typewriter as a little kid, and now here I am, almost 23, and writing on a brand new laptop on my college campus. When you’re a kid, you idealize these moments, and when you’re there you enjoy it but are very anxious about the future. You end up realizing you get a lot more out of the present when you aren’t constantly worrying about the future or the past.

These are the times I used to dream about as a kid, and these are now the memories I will daydream about when I’m older. As I’ve grown older, my gratitude has grown more and more. I know now that we are all always close to death, and when you remember that, every moment alive is beautiful. I’m grateful for all the times I’ve been able to dodge death, and everyone else should be, too. Don’t be scared for the future; be grateful, and excited you’ve been given the opportunity to experience it.

WRITTEN BY ALANA LOINAZ & CHAD DUPRE ILLUSTRATION BY ALLISON RAFTERS

You don’t look as good as you used to. Your body has changed; your hips are wider, your arms look rounder, and your face is fluffier. You don’t look as good as you used to. Your mind has changed; your thoughts are blurrier, your decisions seem irrational, and your interests are off. You don’t look as good as you used to. Your soul has changed; your energy is dark, your aura seems twisted, and your sparkle is sparkless. You don’t look as good as you used to.

I look at old photos and don’t recognize myself, but I keep striving to be that same person again: the girl I don’t recognize. She had been through a lot less but still quite too much for her age. She promised she wouldn’t let herself go, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t. I was the one who accidentally let go of her hand, and she got lost along the way. She recognizes herself as something she built with her bare hands, even though she hasn’t met me: her incredibly flawed handmade product that she will never receive recognition for. I’m certain she was nothing more than the first stage of a personality trial. The girl I don’t recognize has been lost for a bit, and I will make sure she never finds her way “home.”

But what is home anyway? Is it the place you go when you need to stuff your face with chocolate or your most self-aware state of mind? I can’t really give you a concrete answer, otherwise I’d be a terrible writer. I’m supposed to force you to look at yourself no matter how painful it may be. Hey, don’t hate me. Hate whoever decided that self-reflection is important for every human being – because it soooo fucking is.

If you are trying to distract yourself from something, it is because you should be healing from it. When you choose to forgive those who hurt you, you choose to forgive yourself – especially if you are the reason for your inner injuries. If you’ve gotten this far into this reading—340 words in—you could probably take 340 more steps into creating a better today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday… today. It’s the only way you will get better from whatever you’ve been dealing with, whether or not that has to do with your old and unrecognizable self.

Don’t tell me you haven’t been dealing with something. You absolutely have. Whether it is something happy, sad, terrifying, traumatizing, exciting, or neutral, it is something. Something worth reflecting on, something worth working on, something worth your full attention, your full effort. If you don’t recognize what it is, try harder. I can guarantee you it is there. The girl I don’t recognize is my thing; she messes with my head all the time. I miss her. I hate her, but I am letting her heal from whatever made her feel so dark and twisty. What are you doing for the person you don’t know and the one you do recognize?

Is it better to self-reflect to the point of crippling yourself—hermit-crabbing away in your room, binge-watching Friends and Curb Your

Enthusiasm, scared to face the world? Or is it better to truck through life like some down-andout jerk, angry at the world, so you decide to take it out on someone you see as lesser? Both of these options are horribly unproductive, and frankly, you’re an asshole for doing either one. As someone who has made the mistake of being the first guy, you realize you are just as self-aware as the other jerk I mentioned. There is a balance to be found here; the ability to constructively self-reflect on specific moments in your life, past or present, allows you to grow as an individual.

This does in fact seem like the entire purpose of life. Experiencing that terrifying fall into darkness, slipping deeper into your self-torture, is an experience that forces you to adapt. That ruthless return to the present world is the ultimate triumph from these moments—dragging yourself out from that pit of horror like some badass from Apocalypse Now. These moments truly do change you, but it is up to you as to how this change occurs. This is one of the toughest moments, but taking the time to gather the courage and place yourself back to that moment can help you gain a critical understanding of why and how. Neglecting this period of reflection leads you toward that self-loathing asshole I mentioned earlier—no one wants to be that person. Finding that inspiration in your stomach to throw yourself back in the fire shapes your ability to deal with adversity—to give any second of self-doubt or pain the middle finger and keep moving.

The changes that occur during these moments are exactly what make you human. Your individuality is illuminated by the grit it takes to push further. Handling these lows makes you wiser— you are renewed with a larger capacity for empathy. There is no real reason for you to make this circus act we perform all the more difficult for the person across from you. Why not complement the student practicing their speech on campus? Why can you not tell someone their fit is absolutely killing it today? In a time filled with anxiety-driven action where overthinking each individual step you take is a common practice, there is a need for warm kindness. Every single person is living inside their head—be kinder to yourself, and smile at each other. There is no moment to waste here, so why fill the air with negative nonsense that gets us nowhere?