Top 3 Quirky Holidays in March to Cure Your FOMO

March Madness is the plethora of ways you can celebrate this month. The big holiday season is far behind us, and though winter is beginning to thaw and herd immunity is on the horizon, it’s hard not to miss the warmth of friends, family and life-threatening fevers. Whether you just have a hankering for a second dose of COVID or you’re looking to wipe out the last of the elder population, this essential holiday guide is sure to liven up your March.

by Holly Day

Illustration by Nina Walker

National No Smoking Day

MARCH 10

It’s 2021 and high time we get serious about smoking. This year, buy up all the cigarettes from your corner liquor store and dump them into the ocean.

Remember to take a picture and post it to Instagram along with a caption explaining how it is a hard-hitting metaphor for how five minutes of nicotine can mean you’ll be sleeping with the fishes five years sooner.

Don’t think we’ve forgotten about the children. It’s no secret that the key to tobacco prevention is to start young. It’s also no secret that programs like DARE have categorically failed in scaring kids enough about lung cancer.

We need to cut out the bureaucrats and taxpayer dollars from this equation and take matters into our own hands. You can make a difference this holiday and you need not go further than your local playground. Offer kids a drag, show them pictures of black lungs, and push them down the slide– the trauma will stick with them longer than the tar in their lungs.

National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day

MARCH 11

With over 500,000 deaths from COVID-19, American Funeral directors and morticians have been up to their eyeballs in formaldehyde and crematory smoke.

This holiday, show your local funeral home you love them and all they do for your community.

Pay it forward with a memento mori they can look to for the rest of their days. In lieu of flowers, make them their own grave!

What better way to get to know your local death workers than chatting them up about their own corpse plans?

Ditch the masks and show up in person for that extra special touch and they will be OMG literally dead.

National Flower Day

MARCH 21

In between fires, rising annual temperatures, and a dry winter, this year’s Superbloom is shaping up to be a Superbummer. For the influencers and online daters of our community, this is heartbreaking news. But don’t lose hope! Mid-March storms are sure to bring at least some blossoms to the side of our county’s finest freeways.

Simply pull over, throw on your hazards, and get ready to become the most majestic bitch on the 405.

Worried about crowds cramping your style? Step off the beaten path and make your own! Pack a glitter bomb and some spray paint to really make your desire trail unique to you. And, of course, bring along your friend with the best camera to snap as many pics as possible.

We may not have a bright future, but you can make yourself and what little flora we have immortal in digital images in the data sphere.