The Dating Guru's Advice Column

Incels seek help from The Dating Guru to find success in their love lives.

by Paperman

Illustration by Nina Walker

Hello Dating Guru,

I am writing to you because I am struggling to hit it off with women. I have been told that my fashion sense is the issue by many online forums but they don't seem to get it. How else will I show them my sense of humor without my ‘Pickle Rick’ tees paired with my cargo shorts and a fedora?

Signed, a keyboard warrior

Dear keyboard warrior,

Invest in some jeans and a flannel, I don't think using your fashion as a hail mary for your unique humor is worth it. Burn the ‘Pickle Rick’ shirt.

Sincerely, Dating Guru

Greetings Dating Guru,

Help! I've been following the YouTube web series, “How to become THE ALPHA MALE,” for months now and one of the suggestions is to only shower once a week. Now that I feel in touch with my primal self, my pheromones should be attracting the ladies but to no avail, they all wince whenever I enter a room! What should I do?

Yours, the noxious gentleman

Dear noxious gentleman,

For the love of all things held sacred, not showering would be a spit in the face of human development.

Sincerely, Dating Guru

What's up Dating Guru,

I keep trying to show my dates my favorite film, “Pulp Fiction.” As it turns out, they don't want to watch it, costing me the relationship! How else will they appreciate this piece of art with me if they are not able to truly absorb this work's essence? How do I find a woman that will appreciate this special film?

Best, an obnoxious film buff

Dear obnoxious film buff,

Are you on a date with Samuel L. Jackson or the woman? Maybe consider reevaluating where your interest is and show a different movie.

Sincerely, Dating Guru

Good day Dating Guru,

I'm writing this as an inquiry for help from my dearest dating guru. I don't quite understand my situation because each time I greet a lady with “Good day, M’lady.” It seems as if every time I attempt to impress a lady, I am met with laughter and boisterous ridicule. Are classic gentlemen not meant for this world anymore?

Regards, a dastardly gentleman

Dear dastardly gentleman,

I would heavily suggest investing in a modern day thesaurus and throwing out the 1700s edition that you seem to have.

Sincerely, Dating Guru