The Financial Master's Guide to Retiring at 30

A highly skilled financial prodigy shares their tips to get rich quickly in today’s world!

by Paperman

Making money is difficult for everyone, except for me. I am a 22-year-old financial genius here to expand your mind and help you manifest the vast amounts of wealth that await you. After all, poverty is only a mindset.

With these simple tips to securing multiple sources of income, you too can become just like me and be on track to retiring with a quaint and humble sum of 40 million dollars!

Invest in the Stock Market

Investing in the stock market is a great way to multiply your money tenfold. The only requirements here are your ability to research certain companies and be able to track market trends in recent years.

The main talent however is being able to bandwagon on what Twitter and Reddit tell you to invest in then hope you’re lucky enough to strike it big.

Make sure you take whatever measly earnings you’ve made from working a below minimum wage job in the food industry and put your faith in internet strangers!

Afterall, what’s the point in even playing if you aren’t planning on winning big? Like I said, it’s all about your mindset.

Invest in Cryptocurrencies

Cryptocurrencies are taking the globe by storm, might even be causing storms at this rate with Bitcoin alone using around 0.6% of global energy. A small price to pay for you shifting that poor mindset!

This one is fairly simple. All you need to do is take your small capital that you may have and spend approximately $5,000 on a cryptocurrency mining rig and use it to make around $10 everyday it’s active and running up your electricity bill.

After this, light your candles and pray that Elon Musk doesn’t randomly tweet something about your chosen cryptocurrency and drive down its value. After day 500, you should begin to see a profit but don’t worry, that won’t happen because you’ll surely hit it big.

Graphic by Jireh Deng

“But I don’t have any capital!”

That’s okay, there are plenty of ways to start investing in your future and your holistic way of thinking with cash.

FAMILY

This is the main one. I receive most of my capital from my father who owns multiple properties and receives thousands in passive income monthly.

All it takes is reaching out and getting an easy amount of pickup money! Who knew that a minuscule loan of a million dollars could come so easily?

CREDIT CARDS

Plentiful in today’s climate with credit companies reeling for clientele that are reckless spenders! Unlucky for them, the difference between a reckless spender and a financial master is our will to manifest wealth.

Simply apply for any credit card that is offered to you and once you get accepted, begin investing immediately and max out your credit line. Scared that you’re going to go into debt because of your 25% APR rate? That’s okay, that’s part of the excitement in the game, credit score be damned!

AN HONEST JOB

This one’s a no brainer, working an honest job is the key to the start of you lining your wallets off the profits after investing your hard earned money into a volatile market!

Of course, I’ve never had to work a job aside from my full-time job of staring at graphs hoping my borrowed money is going up instead of down.

Besides, how hard could it be to work over 40 hours a week making $11 an hour to build some capital? Put those big boy pants on and climb the ranks!

As for the girls, look, don’t let these liberal news outlets tell you that you have less of a chance to make more money than us men, it’ll distract you from making the earnings you’re making already!

Didn’t your father ever tell you to not take things for granted? Don’t let those pesky bills get in the way. As I said earlier, utilize credit cards to pay for your living expenses and gamble away your income. There is no point in investing in yourself if you don’t invest it all.

Ultimate Tip: Buy My Book!

To become a successful financial prodigy like me, buy my self-published book on Amazon, “Building Your Financial Empire” where I detail all of the lucrative methods I’ve used to build up my small starting capital of one million dollars from my father and my $1,000 from a brief stint of trying to actually have a day job into much more!

As a teaser, I’ll give you tip number 74 in my book: Never dress up to work!

It’s okay if you wear the same pair of pajamas you’ve been wearing for the past three days and sit in your expensive chair that your dad bought you in a spacious home office. There’s no time to waste when you’re spending your precious time deciding where to gamble your life savings next!