OH, SHIT AMANDA SHEEHAN
I saw him in the corner and I thought he was handsome but I’m safe with my friends so why was I looking? Maybe for attention or, better yet, to fall into the big arms and the blue eyes he was looking back at me with - oh, shit. I was looking too long. He noticed and approached me while I’m stuck in the corner of the room. Hours go by, we get progressively more drunk and high on wine and weed and each others laugh but I don’t want to leave my friends, so why was I still there? Maybe because I couldn’t help but fall into the trance of safety he made me feel for the first time in a long time - oh, shit. I was feeling too much. He noticed and invited me back to his dorm. I remember hearing that he was the nicest guy at the party and there’s no reason to say no except that I don’t want to leave my friends so why would I say yes? Maybe because I couldn’t help but fall into the routine I couldn’t seem to break where I sleep with men who think I’m pretty - oh, shit. He realizes I can’t find my friends and need a safe place to crash so he holds my hand on the way. Oh, shit. I was crying before during and after 12 | 11 SECONDS MAGAZINE
and there were so many reasons to say no except that I’m stoned and drunk and confused and hateful towards myself because I didn’t want to leave my friends so why didn’t I stop him from falling into me? Maybe because I was stuck - oh, shit. He knows I can’t say no and keeps going. I saw myself in the mirror the morning after, shocked and horrified that I was never really safe even though I was with my friends so how did this happen to me? Maybe .... wait. I suddenly realize that I couldn’t remember if he’d been safe - oh, shit. I was thinking aloud and he thought for a moment and said no. Oh, shit. Oh, shit because how did I let this happen? Oh, shit because my friends felt safe to leave me with the nicest guy at the party? Oh, shit because I thought I was safe with the nicest guy at the party. Oh, shit because how could he have not been safe? Oh, shit because it’s positive. Oh, shit because I’m broke and in college and have my whole life ahead of me. Oh, shit because no one cares because I didn’t say no. Oh, shit because we live in a state where I can’t get help even if someone did. Oh, shit because I’m stuck. In a dorm. And the nicest guy at the party knew that I couldn’t say no. Oh, shit