Men and Women

Chapter Nine Men and Women

We all instinctively understand the basic functions offeminine and masculine energies,but we may not realize that they both exist in each person.More often we tend to associate male and female energies with their respective body types.

Thus,women have become the symbols offemale energy. Traditionally,women have developed and expressed receptivity, nurturing,intuition,sensitivity,and emotion.In the past,many women more or less repressed assertiveness,direct action,intellect, and the ability to function effectively and strongly in the world.

Likewise,men have become the symbols of male energy. Traditionally,they have developed their ability to act in the world

strongly,directly,assertively,and aggressively.Many men repressed and denied their intuition,emotional feelings,sensitivity,and nurturing.

As we cannot live in the world without the full range ofmasculine and feminine energies,each sex has been helplessly dependent on the other halffor its survival.From this perspective,each person is only halfa person,dependent on their other halffor its very existence.Men have desperately needed women to provide them with the nurturing,intuitive wisdom,and emotional support without which they unconsciously know they would die.Women have been dependent on men to take care ofthem and provide for them in the physical world,where they haven’t known how to take care ofthemselves.

It might seem like a perfectly workable arrangement — men help women,women help men — except for one underlying problem:as an individual,ifyou don’t feel whole,ifyou feel your survival depends on another person,you are constantly afraid of losing them.What ifthat person dies or goes away? Then you die, too,unless you can find another such person who is willing to take care ofyou.Ofcourse,something might happen to that person also.Thus,life becomes a constant state offear in which the other person is merely an object for you — your supply oflove or protection.You must control that source at any cost:either directly,by force or superior strength,or indirectly using various manipulations.Generally,this happens subtly — “I’ll give you what you need so you will be just as dependent on me as I am on you,so you will keep giving me what I need.”

So our relationships have been based on dependency and the need to control the other person.Inevitably,this leads to resentment and anger,most ofwhich we repress because it would be too dangerous to express it and risk losing the other person.The repressing ofall these feelings leads to dullness and deadness.This is one reason why so many relationships start offexciting (“Wow! I think I’ve found someone who can really fulfill my needs!”),and end up either filled with anger or relatively dull and boring (“They aren’t fulfilling my needs nearly as well as I had hoped,and I’ve lost my own identity in the process,but I’m afraid to let go for fear I’ll die without this person.”).

Finding the Balance

In recent times,ofcourse,the strongly separated roles ofmen and women have begun to shift.In the last two generations, increasing numbers ofwomen are exploring and expressing their abilities to act in the world.At the same time,a growing number ofmen have been looking within themselves and learning to open to their feelings and intuition.

Ibelievethisishappeningbecausewehavereachedadead-end streetwithour“oldworld”relationshipsandexternalizedconceptsofmasculineandfeminine.Theoldmodelsandwaysof doingthingsaretoolimitingforusnow,andwehavenotyet evolvedeffectivepatternstotaketheirplace.It’saperiodofchaos andconfusion,painandinsecurity,butalsoof tremendous growth.We are makingaleapintothenewworld.Ibelievethat

everyformofrelationship,from the most traditional marriage to homosexual or bisexual relationships,represents each person’s attempt to find their feminine/masculine balance within.

Women have traditionally been in touch with their female energy but they haven’t backed her up with their male energy.They have not acknowledged what they know inside.They have always acted as ifthey were powerless when they are really very powerful. They have gone after external validation (from men especially), rather than internally validating themselves for what they know and who they are.

Many women,like myself,have had strongly developed male energy but have used it in the “old male”way.I was very intellectual,very active,and drove myselfvery hard to shoulder the responsibilities ofthe world.I also had a very strongly developed female,but I didn’t put her in charge.In fact,I ignored her a lot of the time.I basically protected my sensitive,vulnerable feelings by erecting a tough outer shell.

I’ve had to learn to take that powerful male energy and use it to listen to,trust,and support my female.This allows her the safety and support to emerge fully.I feel and appear softer,more receptive,and more vulnerable,but I am really much stronger than before.

Women are now learning to back themselves up and validate themselves,instead ofabandoning the responsibility and trying to get a man to do it for them.However,it’s a deep-seated pattern that has endured for centuries,and it takes time to change it in the deepest layers.The key is to just keep listening to,trusting,and

acting on our deepest feelings.

The qualities that women have looked for in men — strength, power,responsibility,caring,excitement,romance — must be developed inside ofourselves.A simple formula is this:just treat yourselfexactly the way you would want to be treated by a man!

The interesting thing is that what we create within us is always mirrored outside ofus.This is the law ofthe universe.When you have built an inner male who supports and loves you,there will always be a man,or even many men,in your life who will reflect this.When you truly give up trying to get something outside yourself,you end up having what you always wanted!

For men,ofcourse,the principle is exactly the same.Men are, traditionally,disconnected from their female energy,thereby disconnected from life,power,and love.They’ve been out there in the world secretly feeling helpless,alone,and empty,although they pretend to be in control and powerful.(War is a good example of the old male energy lacking the wisdom and direction ofthe female.) Men seek nurturing and internal connection through women but once they have connected with their own inner female, they will receive her incredible love from within themselves.

For men,all the qualities you’ve wanted from a woman — the nurturing,softness,warmth,strength,sexuality,and beauty — already exist in your inner female.You will feel this when you learn to listen to your inner feelings and support them.You need to totally respect and honor your inner female energy by acting on your feelings for her.Then,every woman — every person — in your life will mirror that integration.They will have the qualities

you’ve always wanted,and they will also receive love,warmth,nurturing,and strength from you.

Manymen,especiallyinrecenttimes,havechosentoconnect deeplywiththeirfeminineenergyand,indoingso,havedisconnectedfromtheirmale.They’verejectedtheoldmachoimageand havenootherconceptofmaleenergytorelateto.Thesemenare usuallysoafraidoftheirmaleenergy,fearingthatitwillburstforth withalltheoldmindlessnessandviolencetheyequatewithmaleness,thattheyrejectthepositive,assertivemalequalitiesaswell.

Ifeelit’sveryimportantforthesementoembracetheconcept ofthenewmale—onewhoallowshisspontaneous,active,aggressivemaleenergytoflowfreely,knowingthatthepowerofhis feminineisincharge,wiselydirectinghim.Thisrequiresadeep trustthattheinnerfemaleknowswhatshe’sdoingandwon’tallow anythingdestructiveorharmfultohappen.

New World Relationships

A new idea ofrelationships is emerging that is based on each person developing wholeness within him- or herself.Internally, each person is moving toward becoming a fully balanced feminine/masculine being with a wide range ofexpression,from softest receptivity to strongest action.

Externally,most people’s style ofexpression will certainly be determined strongly by which type ofbody they are in — male or female.

When people hear these ideas they sometimes express the fear

that we will all become outwardly androgynous — men and women all appearing pretty much the same.The reverse is actually true.The more women develop and trust their male aspect to support them and back them up internally,the safer they feel to allow their soft,receptive,beautiful feminine aspect to open up.The women I know who are going through this process (myselfincluded) seem to become more feminine and beautiful even while they are strengthening their masculine qualities.Men who are surrendering and opening fully to their female energy are actually reconnected with the inner feminine power which enhances and strengthens their masculine qualities.Far from becoming effeminate,the men I know who are involved in this process become more secure in their maleness.

Inthenewworld,whenamanisattractedtoawoman,herecognizesherasamirrorofhisfeminineaspect.Throughherreflectionhecanlearnmoreabouthisownfemalesideandmovethrough whateverfearsandbarriershemayhavetocometoadeeperintegrationwithinhimself.Whenawomanfallsinlovewithaman,she isseeingherownmalereflectedinhim.Inherinteractionswithhim shecanlearntostrengthenandtrusthermasculineside.

Ifyou know on a deep level that the person you’re attracted to is a mirror ofyourself,you cannot be overly dependent on him or her because you know that everything you see in your partner is also in you! You recognize that one ofthe main reasons you’re in the relationship is to learn about yourselfand deepen your connection with the universe.So,healthy relationships are based on the passion and excitement ofsharing the journey into becoming

a whole person.

Thismightsoundlikeweareevolvingtoaplacewhereweare sowholewithinourselvesthatwenolongerneedrelationshipsat all!Theparadoxisthis:ashumanbeings,wearesocial,interdependentcreatures.We do needoneanother.Partofexperiencing wholenessisacceptingthepartsofusthatneedlove,closeness, andintimacywithoneanother.So,creatingconsciousrelationships involveshonoringbothourdependenceandourinterdependence.

Gay Relationships

My own experience in relationships is heterosexual,so I can hardly consider myselfmuch ofan expert on gay relationships. However,from talking and working with quite a few gay and lesbian friends and clients,I do have a strong sense that on a spiritual level,homosexual and bisexual relationships are a powerful step that some beings take to break through old,rigid roles and stereotypes to find their own truth.

For some people,being in a close,intense relationship with a person or persons ofthe same sex is the most powerful mirroring process they can find.Two women,for example,often seem to find a depth ofconnection with each other that they don’t find with a man.They use this intuitive feminine connection to create a strong foundation and safe environment for each ofthem to practice building their internal male.They totally reflect and support each other in becoming whole and balanced.

A man sometimes seems to find a matching male intensity with

another man — an ability to go all out that he wouldn’t find with a woman.He may also find in another man a support for moving into and exploring his feminine selfwithout feeling he has to fulfill the old,stereotyped male role.

I think many ofthese things are mysteries that we will understand only in retrospect.I believe that every being chooses the life path and relationships that will help him or her to grow the fastest.

As we continue to evolve,I believe we will gradually stop categorizing ourselves and our relationships with any particular labels such as gay,straight,and so on.I foresee a time when each person can be a unique entity with his or her free-flowing style ofexpression.Each relationship will be a unique connection between two beings,taking its individual form and expression.No categories are possible because each one is so different and follows its own flow ofenergy.

Exercise

Think ofsome ofthe most important women in your life. What are their strongest or most attractive qualities? Be aware that they mirror some aspects ofyour own female energy (whether you are a woman or a man).

Nowthinkofsomeofthemostimportantmeninyourlife. Whatqualitiesdoyoumostlike,admire,orappreciateaboutthem? Recognizethattheyreflectsimilaraspectsofyourownmaleenergy(again,thisappliestoyouwhetheryou’reamanorawoman).

Ifyou have trouble seeing that some ofthe things you admire

in others are in you as well,it may be because you have not yet developed those qualities in yourselfas strongly as they have.In this case,try the following meditation.

Meditation

Get in a comfortable position.Close your eyes,relax,take a few deep,slow breaths and move your consciousness into a deep, quiet place inside.

Bring to mind one person whom you admire or are attracted to.Ask yourselfwhat qualities you find most attractive in this person.Do you see those same qualities in yourself? Ifnot,try imagining that you possess those same qualities.Imagine how you would look,talk,and act.Picture yourselfin a variety ofsituations and interactions.

Ifyou feel these are qualities you want to further develop within yourself,continue to do this visualization regularly for a while.