14 — Authoritarian and Rebel

Chapter Fourteen Authoritarian and Rebel

Theauthoritarianandtherebelaretwopartsofthepersonalitythatmanyofushaveinoneformoranother.Iftheyarestrong voicesinus,theycanmakeitdifficulttosenseandfollowour intuition.Ifweareunconsciousofthem,theymaycontrolour behaviorinawaythatinterfereswithourabilitytogetintouch withourtruedesires.Thebattlebetweenthemcancreatetremendousconflictwithinus,aswell.

As in dealing with all ofour inner selves,the first and most important step is becoming conscious ofthem.Once we become aware ofthem,we are already separating from being identified with them.We recognize them as part ofus,and we begin to have

conscious choice about how much power we give them.We can appreciate them for the ways in which they’ve tried to help us,and for what they still have to offer us.

The inner authoritarian carries our need for order and structure and the rules we have learned about how we should behave. People who grow up in a home with a strong authoritarian parent figure,or in a very authoritarian religion,always develop a powerful inner authoritarian selfwho carries all the values and rules of the external authority figures.It tries to protect you and keep you safe by making sure that you follow the rules,maintain order,and behave as a good,responsible person.

Ifyou have a strong authoritarian self,you usually make one of two choices:you strive to follow its rules or you rebel against them. Ifyou follow them faithfully,you are likely to be a responsible, law-abiding person and oftentimes a high achiever.You may,however,lose touch with your spontaneous,free-spirited,creative energies and eventually,you may even feel that you’ve lost your soul.

Some people react to their authoritarian upbringing and their own internalized authoritarian by developing a strong rebellious self.They become identified with the rebel and disown the authoritarian self,but it remains in the shadow oftheir unconscious,trying to control their behavior and constantly triggering the rebel into action.

The rebel usually develops in childhood or adolescence,in an attempt to maintain a sense ofselfand find some freedom in an overly oppressive rule structure.This can literally be a life saver at the time.Unfortunately,the rebel is just a knee-jerk reaction to the

authoritarian’s rules.It reacts in rebellion to any controlling influence from inside or out.It will automatically do the opposite of whatever it thinks it’s supposed to do.

Thus,it is really no freer than the authoritarian;it’s just the flip side ofthe same coin.It has little to do with the person’s true desires;it just does the opposite ofwhat it’s told.Eventually,it becomes a self-sabotaging force,often inclined toward addictive and self-destructive behavior.

Manypeoplewhoidentifywiththe rebelwerethe“black sheep”oftheirfamilies,actingoutthedisownedenergiesofthe otherfamilymembers.Theymaycontinuethispatterninlaterlife, alwaysbecomingthescapegoatorshadowcarrierineveryrelationship.

Therebelwillfightagainstanyenergyitfearswillcontrolit, includinglegitimateauthorityfigures,oryourowninternal attemptstocreatepositivestructureinyourlife.Forexample:your bossmightmakeareasonablerequest,andyoubecomeangryand resistdoingwhatsheasks;youdecidetoeatahealthierdietandyour rebelimmediatelyeatsthreepiecesofchocolatecake;youdecideto exerciseinthemorningandyoufindyou’vesleptuntilnoon.

As always,when we are overly identified with an energy,we attract its opposite in our relationships.Ifyou are identified with your authoritarian voice,you will probably have a rebellious mate, rebellious children,and/or rebellious employees.Ifyou are identified with the rebel,you will constantly attract authoritarian energies into your life — the police,the IRS,your mate,your boss,etc.

Whether we become overly identified with the authoritarian or

with the rebel,these identifications are unconscious,so there is no real choice or freedom.When your authoritarian selfis dictating your every move,or is constantly battling with your rebel,it is almost impossible to get in touch with your intuitive feelings or true desires.

The key then is to become aware of,and learn to recognize, both ofthese energies.Try to notice when one or the other takes over,or when they are locked in conflict.Once you become aware ofthem,acknowledge them for trying to help and protect you. Then see ifyou can drop in a little deeper to intuitively sense what it is that you really need and want in this situation.*

Aclientofminewasfrustratedwithhercareerandsawthatshe wasbringingaboutherfiring.Shewasworkinginanoffice,doing administrativeworkforasalesperson.Althoughshehadgreat organizationalabilities,shefoundherselfforgettingtodothings. Herbosswouldcometoherandremindherofwhathadn’tbeen doneandshewouldfumewithanger.Sherealizedshewasgetting angryanytimeherbosstoldhertodosomething,howeverreasonable.Shefeltshecouldnotaffordtolosethejob,butshedidnot wanttostaythereeither.Shefelttrapped.As we talked,she started to identify the rebel side ofherself.She saw she was fighting with the authoritarian,who said she had to stay at that job,and

*The best way that I have found to become conscious ofthe different selves within us and work with them is The Voice Dialogue technique ofHal and Sidra Stone’s (see Recommended Resources).

against her boss,who was in a “controlling”position.She went back to her childhood and examined when she first developed a rebel inside.She saw that she’d had trouble with authorities at other jobs and in school.She realized she was being triggered by old patterns.

Whenshesawthis,sheimmediatelywantedtochangethese partsofherself.Iexplainedtoherthatshecouldnotforcechange. Ifshetriedtochangeorfixherrebel,she’dbeactivatingit,andthe rebelwouldcontinuetofight.Sheneededtobecomewillingto watchherselfreact,toacceptthatthiswasthepatternshewasactingout.OnceshehadreallygraspedwhatIwassayingtoher,I askedhertoclosehereyesanddropintoadeeperplaceinsideherself.Sheneededtoaskherintuitionwhatshereallywanted.

It turned out she wanted to be a saleswoman,but was afraid to try.She was growing angry at herselffor sitting behind a desk when she knew there was something else she was meant to do.

After realizing what she wanted to do,she was able to come up with several steps she could take to support her goal.She decided to keep her job for the interim and enlist her boss’s help in her goal.She decided to conduct several informational interviews at sales companies to get ideas ofplaces she might want to work. Having seen clearly what she wanted and discussed the action she could take to help herself,she felt much better.

A month later she called me and said that although her authoritarian and rebel continue to fight it out,they seemed to have less power.She had continued to support her goal to do sales work and was feeling much better about her life and less reactive to her boss.

Exercise

Identify some ofyour rules and behaviors that feel demanding and controlling (overly authoritarian) to you.Use the categories below,in addition to any ofyour own.I have given some examples in each category.

Work: I must work forty to sixty hours per week; I must work hard to get anywhere; I can’t make money doing what I want.

Money: I’m never going to have enough money; I must save money in case something happens; I must not be frivolous with money.

Relationships: I have to find a mate; I must please my mate; I have to be monogamous; I’d better be satisfied with what I’ve got.

Sex: I have to have an orgasm every time I have sex; I have to be in love with someone to have sex; I have to be the greatest, most sensual lover.

Now write down any corresponding rebel thoughts you may have.For example, Who needs work; I’m going to quit my job; or Who cares about money anyway, I don’t need it; or I’ll just do what I want behind my mate’s back.

After you’ve written out the authoritarian and rebel dialogues, drop into a deeper place and ask yourselfwhat you most want;discover what is true for you.Write down any thoughts or feelings that come to you.