Zinedabaad Collective presents
A KASHISH Mumbai International Queer Film Festival Special Zine
2021
Dear Reader, Zinedabaad signed on to be a community partner for KASHISH MIQFF 2021 early in the year. Right from the get-go, we knew wanted to think about how to make queer community spaces welcoming, inviting, relevant and exciting for LBT+ folks. It is no secret that cis, gay men tend to dominate queer spaces, whether they are spaces for reflection, discussion, celebration or collectivization. But it isn't just cis men. Where is the space for non-binary and genderfluid people? For Dalit, Bahujan and Adivasi queers? For folx with disabilities? What about queer people of different faiths? And people who experience sexual attraction differently than allosexuals? The reality is, we all exist on the intersections of various identities, and unconsciously, recreate similar dynamics of power and visibility in our own community. But as a community that has had to fight tooth and nail against a world that wanted to punish us, silence us, erase us for our difference, we should be able to build a home for the rainbow of identities that make us up, shouldn't we? This was the intention with which we put out an open call for creative submissions on inclusivity in the queer community. We also people to share their experiences, thoughts, hopes, worries, joys and dreams with us in any form that felt organic to them, without censorship or editorialisation. And, wow, people had a lot to say. When it came time to name this anthology, we wanted to do justice to the diversity housed in this zine. In a full-circle moment, we found ourselves drifting back to this year's KASHISH theme: Unlock with Pride. To unlock is to unfasten a lock, to open up. It is also to unlock potential. Could there be a more apt word to frame the future of queer community-building?
So, without further ado, presenting Unlock! Satrangi Salaam, Shaarvari and Devashree Team zinedabaad PS: If you add your own utopic vision of the queer community at the end of this zine, share it with us on @zinedabaad!
EXCLUSIVITY By Shai in the community we speak of inclusivity as if acceptance never talked to us about how lonely it feels when we are busy pretending our pretence under the heavy words of false allyship, INCLUSIVITY, there is none when I tell them the organ between my legs feels humiliated with their expectations of me to be the man I am not in the community some blame me to be the dirt, to be the reason, this community which focuses on homosexuality so much so that my transness becomes transparent to them and all they can see is how the dying woman inside me, threatens them of their baseless masculinity and except for their frugal manliness they don't want to see my dying femininity (again and again) at the hands of patriarchy and the murderers are the samethe foundation of the heteronormative ideas the man, these toxic powers of men and the hollow manhood! Shai (he/she/they) is a non-binary queer person. Find them on @dalitqueerinframes.
Art by: Shaarvari Shreenath
What is inclusive language? language that includes me? Where do I find it? How will I know it is mine?
Art by Anwesh Sahoo @anwesh.sahoo @the.effeminare
People ask me all the time, why do you continue to manifest yourself despite the constant vitriol you experience? But why would I deny the world my beauty? That would be a travesty for the world. Why would I deny myself and the world such extravagance and such lusciousness? Me existing in this universe makes this world an iota less tragic. Alok Vaid Menon
Aditi Aggarwal
I know crips live here Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
"Thinking through accessible spaces and accessible futures means addressing the exclusions of feminist and queer political visions of the future, highlighting these theories’ reliance on ideologies of wholeness, complicity in compulsory ablebodiedness/able-mindedness, and marginalization of disabled people. What is needed, then, is not only a trenchant critique of ableism but also a desire to think disability otherwise." From Feminist, Queer, Crip by Alison Kafer
I know crips live here. So many couches and blanket throws. I know crips live here. A bathroom filled with coconut oil, unscented conditioner and black soap. I know crips live here. Your Humira and T on the bottom shelf of the fridge. I know crips live here. Only house on the block with a homemade ramp, property standards so mad. I know crips live here. Big exhale at the shower chair, the slip pads and the air purifier. I know crips live here. I see all the things in reach around your mattress of glory, the vibrator, the library books, the TV, the stuffed animals. I know crips live here. Straws and Poise pads and crosswords and weighted blankets and stim toys. I know crips live here. You've been home for a couple days. A week. That's the imprint of your ass in the couch surrounded by empty bags of food and plates and the Advil and the heating pad. I know crips live here. 50 pounds of epsom salts, from the farm store, your painkiller display like an altar. I know crips live here. I see your EBT card and your fought for DSHS care attendant. I know crips live here. How you taught yourself to be an herbalist so you could afford to manage your pain. I know crips live here. Everybody late. I know crips live here. Your dogs, cats and stuffed animals are part of your family. I know crips live here. Your disabled parking placard a candle in the window. I know crips live here. Welcome You are home.
My Stretch Marks Tell My Story By Gaurav Simha I always thought that the hardest part of being gay was coming out. I thought that once I took that frightening yet brave and exciting step forward into the light, that acceptance was sure to follow. To my delight, my family and friends were the first to shower me with love and embrace me for the real me. To my surprise, I quickly found that acceptance within the gay community itself is something hard to come by. “No Fems”, “No Chubs”, “No Asians”, “Masc Only”, “Fit Only” were brandished across dating platforms, already making me feel unwelcomed, unwanted and unaccepted. This made me realise that the community that I was so ready to be a part of, so excited to be embraced by, was not all I thought it was. This forced me to reevaluate what acceptance meant to me. I personally have struggled with my weight all my life. I have been overweight to the point that it was affecting my health, and I have been under-nourished to the point where I didn’t feel like myself. My weight was on this constant pendulum where I was going from one extreme to the other and just not able to figure out the right balance or happiness. In the midst of the global chaos of the past two years, I found time and peace to focus on my body and on figuring out what happiness looks like to me. After revitalizing my lifestyle and falling in love with exercising, I sculpted my body into happiness. The specific amount of weight lost or my current weight mean nothing to me as they are both just numbers that I think are counterproductive to focus on – because confidence is a feeling, not a number. Happiness is an emotion, not a certain look. Through all of the ups and downs of my acceptance journey, my body has picked up some battle scars, or ‘physical accolades’ if you will, in the guise of stretch marks. These stretch marks used to torment me as glaring signs of my flaws but now I view them as markers of my journey, as imperfections that make me who I am. My stretch marks tell my story. Now, true acceptance to me comes from within yourself and can’t be derived from anyone. For someone whose name literally means “pride”, this Pride is extremely special for me as I get to celebrate in-person again but also because it is the first Pride where I am the happiest and most confident I have ever been in my life. I found what happiness means and looks like to me and I will continue using that as my benchmark to live my life. I no longer want to be a prisoner of the physical requirements of the gay community and I want to live life according to what I view as beautiful. I have learned that not everyone will accept you, but all that matters is that you accept yourself.
Art by Benjamin A. Riley
Tarushee @puffle_soup
My Coming Out Story Joyston Moreira (@joystonwmj)
25, A Proud: Gay, Christian, Indian (From Mangalore), boy raised in Qatar, partner, son, cousin, friend, human being– All of these make me who I am. My story is divided into different segments.
Acceptance of oneself: I grew up most of my life in Qatar until I moved to UK for my bachelors in 2014 at 18. It was only then I realised who I truly was (with help from my friends studying with me at the time) and accepted myself being gay and realised the happiness of being true to myself! No more lies, doubts, self-loathing or feeling guilty for being religious and loving men.
Suffering and no acceptance: As a Mangalorean-Indian boy, coming out at 19 was a huge shock and a disappointment to my parents. This caused a lot of mental trauma and turmoil. I was taken to a doctor in India to see if I could be ‘Cured’. Thankfully, the doctor did not try to cure me but also did not tell my parents that it is normal to be gay. Since then, to be a good son, for my parent’s happiness, I had to hide my wings for years to follow and fit into the norms of the ‘Society’. UK was my saving grace, my haven to be free. I had to lie about the truth of who I was, what I was doing whenever my parents asked about my life. This was not me, but I had to survive and be happy. I have always been an individual who wears his heart on his sleeve.
Partial acceptance and façade: When I got my first job in the UK at 22 I got the confidence to stand up to my parents and be open about myself. It was not easy. It was as if my parents buried my story deep and were hoping for me to be straight. But after lots of heated talks, arguments, counselling from parents of gay kids, my parents learned to accept my ways although keeping it to themselves. My partner Sugith and I decided to form a civil partnership and I wanted my parents to be in the UK to experience it. After all, as their son I love them, and they do too. Fast-forwarding a few months, they came to the UK on 8th December 2020. My parents did say they would be visiting the UK for my happiness as long as I did not tell anyone about myself apart from my friends in the UK. They did not want their circle of friends or my family to know I was gay. My intention of having them in the UK was to see our life (my partner and I) was as “normal” as any straight couple. Being with us for a few months they have seen that we have our ups and downs as they have theirs. But I was still hiding behind a façade. No one in my family knew about my partner or our civil ceremony going to be held later this year. It is a big moment in our life, therefore I wanted my loved ones to be there with me virtually. I wanted my parents to change their mindset after seeing us but it wasn’t the result I was expecting. They did say “we will tell everyone in a few years when people ask why I wasn’t getting married”. I was certain they were still afraid of what society would say. After all, they lived in India and had to face society. My true life was hidden whenever they talked to family back home or my partner was never mentioned which was soul-crushing. He has done his best to accept my parents for the way they are. But my parent failed to acknowledge my partner when speaking to family although they got along with us here in the UK. Seeing such ignorance, seeing my true life being ignored was not acceptable!
Complete acceptance and reckoning: 25th March 2021, the scariest, heart-wrenching and most contemplated day of my life. After years of feeling suffocated, the feeling of breathlessness, having my partner being ignored my life, I had to take a stand! It takes a lot of courage to go against your parents’ wishes coming from an Indian background. There are a lot of emotions tied to these decisions, and the consequences I thought I would face. A member of my family and my partner said, “Take control of your life and do not let other people dictate your happiness”. Taking this as my burning torch and all other emotions that were bottle up led me to post my coming out story on Facebook. My heart was in my mouth because of all the consequences that I might face from my parents, their rejection, their belief in me, the tension that would cause them. I also knew if anyone had to say anything to them, I could speak to them since my parents were going to be here for a while with me. Knowing the truth did not go well with my parents, initially, we argued a lot, words were exchanged, silence fell in the house that morning.
The post started filling with so many supportive comments, my cousins, friends, some uncles and aunties, family friends were so supportive, I was deeply touched, empowered and emotional to see so much love. This is what my innocent person at 19 wanted from my mom and dad. Most of my family and friends were so supportive of my parents. I realised then, it was not just me who needed all the love and acceptance, but my parents needed it too. They have loved me all my life but could never fully understand me until now, I guess somewhere or the other they were feeling suffocated too knowing they couldn’t share my story with anything thinking they would face rejection and shame from society.
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Within the Included Exclusivity Avinam Manger (@_avi_nam) Why is it easy to explain? My positionality to someone Who doesn’t belong to my blood? A distant friend, A stranger Why cannot I explain MYSELF to a descent of my own blood? To my Mum, Who loves me so much? We share the most personal story In a most comfortable space. Is it that the homes of the millennials and Gen Z are Very uncomfortable? That their positionality is questionable? In their home? Society? And work space? Queerness is closeted! If it brings peace to my mom If my sexuality is to aligned Then in most banality I will not question my inclusivity I keep it mundane Closeted! Blatantly closeted. Very translucent.
In these photographs, I pose as Lord Shiva and in a semi-classical dance mudra depicting Goddess Parvati.
My outfit is a kurta, Bengali dhoti and a Bundi on which is a hand-painted beautiful image of Ardhanarishwar. The Ardhanarishwar is a form of the Hindu deity Shiva combined with his consort Parvati. Ardhanarishvara is depicted as half-man and half-woman, equally split down the middle. I identify with and relate to Ardhanarishwar, which depicts the complementary nature of the masculine and the feminine. I believe that I embody both traits and attributes, not just in my performances as an actor but in life.
By: Palash Datta
What am I absolutely hysterical about? Queer representation in TV and movies. What makes me furious? The fact that it's like unicorns. So darn rare, and for what? Established straight actors are better choices from a purely statistical stance? I could list a few places where you can shove those numbers. I hope the phoney excuses give you indigestion. If a person has never experienced a certain emotion, how can they portray it with any honesty? Also, there are so many queer people out there who are mad talented. How are they not given a chance? If they were, us queer kids could relate to a storyline for once. We could catch a glimpse of ourselves on screen, root for ourselves through them. Sometimes we're scared of getting attached, the scripts can't seem to get enough of killing off the people like us in the first few moments. What is up with that? Do you not see how messed up it is? When a show does manage to have stellar representation, champion feminism, put forward an imperfect protagonist who would do anything for the people she loves, what more could you hope for? For starters, you wish it wouldn't get cancelled, but it does. You fight for it and give it everything you have. You do it for the story and the people who reside in it because they deserve it. We deserve it. Two years later, it gets renewed for a couple more seasons. You did it! The fans and the cast that actually cares for its community! You are prematurely overjoyed. Sure enough, one season in, they cancel it again. It is devastating. It is unfair.
We are Earpers though, we don't give up. We keep fighting for our demon-hunting band of misfits as they evolve into more accepting humans who try to coexist with the supernatural. The place is Purgatory. The show is Wynonna Earp. You must have heard of it. If not, now you have. Why should you care? The representation, the best friends, the sisters, it's an endless list. Most importantly, the community. Earpers ooze kindness. Acceptance bursts forth from their every cell. You think you don't fit in? Well, guess what? They don't ask you to. Everyone is welcome. Found family fuels the show and the fans. Everyone here has so much love to give, it is unbelievable. This show, the writer, the cast and the community were the biggest inspiration behind the first young adult book I wrote. It has queer leads and was published globally in pride month, 2021! There's not near enough queer representation, specially in Asia, and I want this book to alter that slightly. Hopefully, a wave of queer literature follows. I'm Udita Mukherjee, my book is called From A To Z and I owe a big part of it to the people of Wynonna Earp. They encourage you to express your truest selves in all the right ways and for that, I am forever grateful. If one show, cancelled twice, can make a girl write a whole book, imagine the power of several such shows. Give Wynonna Earp new seasons! Make space for more shows with positive representation! I believe it will change the world for the better! Udita Mukherjee @wilde_woolf
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MY QUEER UTOPIA LOOKS LIKE:
Art by: Aradhana Chand