a list of things
i will
never forget . . .
1. the
HEAVINESS
in the air as we waited ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... hours that felt like ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... ................................................................... .................................................................................
W
E
E
K
S
.................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... /SECONDS .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................... .................................................................................
all at once
2.
the voice
inside me
G N I M A E R C S
THAT IT
WAS AL
READ YT
OO L
ATE
i begged
for
to l
et m
just
ut up
it to sh
e cl
ing
a mo
to h
ment
ope
long
er
5.
the way everything snapped back into focus at once
a cacophony of
sound / light / sensation o v e r me forced
to
voice
continuing the domino-effect of
k a e r b t r a he
those
awful
words
i felt my lips move saw the words collide with the others heard my voice d i s t a n t
as though the words were someone else’s
felt the WEIGHT of them as if for the first time again
ECHOING ECHOING ECHOING ECHOING in my skull
6.
“james is dead.”
so simple
just gone and there’s no undoing it
no
of the fact
no way to take it back
finale / finito / the end
period.
7. watching as my friends’ hearts broke in unison Cass screamed and threw things Paula and Anna stared blankly into the distance Paula walked away
and the man I love fell to pieces an indescribable pain that would linger in his eyes even when he smiled for years to come i cried silently
A FEELING LIKE I WAS GOING TO
EXPLODE FILLED EVERY MOLECULE OF MY BEING
until it HAD
8. how the drive from my house to yours – normally a breezy fifteen minutes – seemed an eternity, and yet i never would have been ready to turn onto your street, to see your car, your home, your friends in pieces amid the wreckage of a lost battle.
9. your things labeled for those left behind as if we’d won some sick lottery, a dead boy’s prized possessions, trophies of heartbreak. notes that no one can bear to read. i hoped you were kind and gentle with your last words, taking your anger with you into the earth and leaving the best of you behind.
10. the way we all scrambled to make sense of your last days here, amateur sleuths on the case – as if somehow uncovering just the right cluewould solve the mystery of your pain or ours. as if we could just say – “Ahh! Yes, that must’ve been it. Our hands are clean. Put him in a box.”
no reason or list of reasons will ever be enough we would have done anything to help you
All you had to do was ask
Let’s hang out soon, maybe a flow day? Miss you guys. [READ Sun Apr 5 4:28PM]
the last text you sent me before you decided UNANSWERED
Thank you for being such a good friend to me. Love you girl. Tell everyone I love them very much. [RECEIVED Wed Apr 8 1:28AM] [READ Wed Apr 8 8:02AM]
i was too busy and things were weird between you and paula
the last text you sent me after you decided (or ever) was i a good friend? see above We love you too, James. Is everything ok?
the last text i’d ever send you
[SENT Wed Apr 8 8:03AM]
a textbook case of too little too late a stupid question answered succinctly by a never-ending silence
NOTHING WAS OK
G U I L T
G U I TL TLIUG
TLIUG
GUILT T L I GU
GUILT
GUILT
11.
THE CLEANSING FLAME taking with it the letter I wrote to you all the things I couldn’t say out loud
12. the way even the ash of those horrible words was gone in the morning
& i felt completely
e
m
p
t
y
and yet the sun still rose the wind still blew and somehow i
kept
breathing
/numb
13.
I should have said I loved you more before it was too late i hope you feel our love wherever you are
...but where is that?
nowhere
seems an impossible, unacceptable answer
the small, hopeful part of me that must continue to wake up each day says that you are
everywhere
and i believe it a little more each day i feel you in every song by an artist you loved in the flames of a fire spinner’s performance in the breeze on the mountains on long silent drives to the peaks you climbed in the pain that stabs at me on your birthday, for the whole month of april, on random days when i wish i could share something to make you smile
& once i heard you whisper
I FORGIVE YOU & i whispered it back
Most of us weren’t invited to your funeral. Your family wanted to keep it small – there was a pandemic going on, after all. I don’t blame them. We had our own way of honoring your life and spirit. When your favorite artist threw an event in Wyoming, we knew you would be there with us. We brought inflatable alligators and handed them out to your people because you used to wear that silly alligator onesie to shows and make everyone laugh. We engraved your name on a candle, and were able to get Charlie to put it on stage while he performed. And in that far-away twinkle of fire, your light lived on for a moment.
we cried we laughed we talked about how much we missed you
and we knew
you were still here in the music in every flame in the shared energy of the community you called home your mark is on our hearts forever
Knowing you was a gift. Losing you was a reminder. I am changed by both and I will never forget. So here it is, even littler, even later...
I love you, James. Flow eternal.
u o