Losing Someone Close – How it affects You

Losing Someone Close – How it affects You “One’s journey end...another’s beginning”

We know how much your loved one means to you. Unfortunately losing people who are dear to us is part of the human experience.

Our lives are meaningful only because we have built close and nurturing relationships with others.

In doing so, we always stand the risk of being hurt when we lose these special people. This parting of ways, which is inevitable, can be the most painful experience that anyone can face.

without him/her? Questions for which there may be no answers at all. There will be a whole range of emotions too that will well up in your innermost being, each playing separately, occasionally together. Shock, sadness, loneliness, frustration, guilt, anger, fear, denial, anxiety, hopelessness, aimlessness, despair are but some of the feelings that you may have felt earlier, be feeling now or will feel at some point later.

Every individual will experience this at some point in his or her life.

Despite this, the experience of grief and bereavement is unique to each individual and each will have his or her own unique ways of coping.

Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Many others are taking a similar path and there are some others who would like to accompany you along the way, who wish to support you when the burden seems unbearable.

You’re not alone Right at this moment, as you read this, there are many others experiencing the loss of a loved one from various causes. Still many others have trodden down this path before you.

Grief is natural In the initial stages, you may find it hard to believe that this person has left for good. You may be shocked or even ‘numbed’. There may be periods when there is a strong yearning for this person and the need to cry out becomes intense. Rapid welling of tears and uncontrollable crying will usually follow. This may be interspersed with periods of anxiety and tension.

Just like you, they will be asking or have asked many questions. Why did this have to happen? Why did it have to be him/her? Why has it got to be now? What will I ever do

You may lose your appetite, have difficulty sleeping and experience various physical symptoms such as abdominal cramps, tiredness, lethargy, headaches, chest pain, dizziness, etc. There may also be panic attacks and you may feel breathless or feel the need to catch your breath to the extent that you overbreathe (hyperventilate).

As time goes on and you begin to sense the impact of your loved one’s death, there will be a profound sense of loss where you feel that you have lost something

that is irretrievable. You may be overwhelmed with feelings of loss of control, helplessness and powerlessness. There will be feelings of longing, yearning, pining and even searching for your loved one. Some people may sense the presence of their loved ones as they go about their daily activities.

Others may even have visions or dreams of their loved ones.

Periods of despair, loneliness and withdrawal from social involvement may follow. There may even be loss of weight.

With the passage of time, as the storm clouds clear and as a new day dawns, the sun starts throwing its rays of hope and allow Mother Nature to begin its healing process, the journey to recovery will take place, slowly but surely.

Your appetite will return followed by your energy. Hope begins to shine through and you will begin to reorganise and rebuild your life which has now changed. You will never ever forget the loss but you will be able to accommodate it into your new life. You will not forget your loved one as a new relationship that transcends space and time now emerges.

The sense of yearning may give way to the pleasure of remembering or recalling the good times that you had with the person in the past.

“Grief has a quality of healing in it that is very deep because we are forced to a depth of emotion that is usually below the threshold of our awareness.”

- Stephen Levine

Your grief is personal and unique Although you may have been told or have read that there are clearcut stages/phases in the grief process, yours is as unique as your own person. Your pain and grief is unique to yourself and nobody can tell you to “get over it!” or “get on with your life” because it is not so simple. There is no fixed time frame for the resolution of your grief and the intensity of grief that you experience is not a measure of your affection or love for this person. You will grieve in your own unique way and in your own time, not according to somebody else’s dictate.

Be kind to yourself By now, it is clear that grief affects your whole person. Your experience is physical (breathlessness, chest tightness, stomach upsets, headaches, dizziness, poor appetite, weight loss, insomnia, tired, etc.), psychological (absentmindedness, poor concentration, short attention span, confusion, etc.) and emotional (sadness, loneliness, anger, etc).

Whatever they may be, be kind to yourself. Accept that they are a natural reaction to your grief.

In fact this is essential for the healing process to take place.

They should not be suppressed.

Cry if you have to. This acts as a good release for the pain and hurt that you are bearing deep inside.

You cannot just ‘snap’ out of this and you should avoid trying to behave as normal as possible as if nothing had happened. It will be very difficult to take on new tasks and would be extremely difficult to bounce back quickly and return to your old way of life. Pay attention to your body’s need for nutrition, exercise and rest during this trying period. Try not to expect too much of yourself.

There are people who care about you You may feel lonely in your grief or you might prefer to be left alone and withdraw yourself from the world. This is understandable.

Periods of solitude and personal reflection are important but do take time to use an important resource available to you, that of close friends, colleagues and relatives.

Most of them would be willing to lend an ear or be a shoulder for you to cry on. Many of them have had similar experiences and would be willing to share with you their valuable experiences.

This is also a time to renew old friendships and build new ones.

If you belong to any organisation or group, it would be helpful if you do not withdraw completely as it is important to widen your social support network. If you belong to a religion, tap on the resources of your religion. If you really feel that you need someone to talk to and there is nobody available, you may call: Grief Support Group 9369 6297 SINDA Family Service 6294 0155 S.O.S SAMH Helpline 1800 221 4444 / 1800 283 7019

Build a hopeful future & the memory of your loved one is yours forever Time heals a wound. Your sadness and grief will melt away as you reenter a new world without the physical presence of your loved one. But the memory of him or her will live on forever.

Your world has changed irreversibly but you would, in time, be able to accommodate the absence of your loved one. You must look to the future with hope. You must get about rebuilding a new life and reinvesting in new relationships with others.

Your loved one would have wanted this for you. There should not be any sense of guilt or fear of abandoning the memory of your loved one. You can create a memorial in honour of him/her.

It is not necessary to build something or even preserve your loved one’s belongings or clothing in their original state at the time of death. You could, however, collect a scrapbook of old photographs, letters, drawings or momento to remind you of your loved one.

Some people would commemorate the anniversary of their loved one’s death by publishing in the local newspapers. In the initial years, the anniversaries may bring back painful memories but these too should resolve with time. The happy memories together, places visited together, things done together will remain. In this sense, your loved one lives on in your memories forever. And his/her legacy lives on forever in many others who have fond memories of him/her.

Yishun Health is a network of medical institutions and health facilities of the National Healthcare Group.

Admiralty Medical Centre • (65) 6807 8000 • www.admiraltymedicalcentre.com.sg Khoo Teck Puat Hospital • (65) 6555 8000 • www.ktph.com.sg Yishun Community Hospital • (65) 6807 8800 • www.yishuncommunityhospital.com.sg The information is correct at the time of printing and subject to revision without further notice.

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