Intentional Friendship

Wilderness Journals #2

A series by Sarah Yardley

On Intentional Friendship A short reflection on living into a good story with your companions and friends

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To God be the glory.

I am a Californian based in Cornwall who loves Jesus, family and friends, feasting and travel, long walks and deep conversations. I have lived in the UK since 2014 as a full-time missionary with Creation Fest UK to celebrate and share the good news of the God who loves us. I wrote a short book called More> Change, write for Lectio 365 with 247 Prayer, and pray as a Canon of Truro Cathedral. I love discovering what it means to follow Jesus and inviting others to know and follow Him. Gifts enable me to continue to live with generosity in my community, writing, and calling to share the love of Jesus.

Sarah Yardley

Intentional Friendship Our stories are shaped by the friends we have chosen to love and the ones who have chosen to love us. Forming intentional friendships shapes our hearts and lives deeply.

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On Intentional Friendship I once imagined that I fell into friendship, with little choice of who had access to my time and most private thoughts. My companions were the ones who I spent time with, worked with, saw on a regular basis.

In relocating to a new country at the age of 31, I experienced a complete reset on my close relationships. At the beginning of my move, I struggled deeply. I was a full-grown adult, and I didn’t know how to make friends. Early in my years in the UK, I would occasionally roam the aisles of Tesco (a grocery store), trying to strike up a conversation. I joined a book group. I considered joining a French club. I visited churches, drove hours to anyone who had a spark. I tried to invite myself into already-existing friend circles, and mostly failed.

A true friend can hold tension.

Almost ten years later, I have experienced the joy of true and deep friendship in both America and England. I have friends I can laugh with, cry with, listen with, wonder with, on both sides of the world. One of the distinct shifts in my friendships has been to develop close community with those who see the world very differently than I do. My mind and heart are stretched by these differences, and we have learned to walk with kindness in even our disputed places. A true friend can hold tension. Mine often help hold my wrestling places.

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Learnings along the way A few of my observations on how I have built

Keep short accounts.

and held friendships in this past decade,

If you have an area of frustration or

knowing that my companions are one of my

festering concern with a friend, make the

greatest influences:

space to have the hard or honest conversations. I’m medium-old, which has perhaps made me more blunt, but I have

Name your circle.

very little time or capacity for halfway

I have a wide variety of friends in my life; the

friendships. I don’t brush concerns under

colleagues, the cafe owners, contractors,

the rug, but I always try to hear

neighbours, churchgoers, national, close. I

challenging conversations from the

intentionally name my circle: three closest

perspective of another.

friends in England, three closest friends in America, my family. These are the ones who I trust with my whole heart, who I intentionally pursue, who love me enough to tell me when I have been an absolute idiot. When I want to pursue closeness with a friend, I name it. I have, on occasion, been rejected. While this is always painful, it is helpful to know where you stand with a friend.

Allow change.

Some friendships are seasonal; they come and go. If a friendship has been a gift but is experiencing a change because of life stage, move, or perspective change, allow it to be beautiful and also to be released.

This is an area in which I am always growing, but I have seen some of my best friends come and go. We will always carry love for each other but may not carry the same level of intimacy in changing seasons.

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Learnings along the way (cont.)

Walk in kindness.

Set expectations.

Outside of my close circle, I have many people

I have some friendships that are like a

who pass through my life. I try to walk in

waterfall. They stream life, love, laughter

radiant kindness to whoever is in front of me.

over me. I have some friendships that are

Some days, I might have a whole three minutes

like a pond. After we’ve spent time

to spend with someone. I try to spend that time

together, not much has changed in either

in kindness. My schedule may not allow for a

of our lives and stories. I have some

dedicated meal, evening, call, or investment,

friendships that are a drain; because of

and I may disappoint others. I can still choose

griefs or pains, I am giving into their

kindness and presence with whatever capacity I

stories. I pursue the waterfalls, avoid the

have.

ponds, carefully consider the drains. For some, I am the drain, and I am so thankful

Give invitations.

for those who have given to me in my

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard that

weaker spaces.

someone is lonely, feeling uninvited, forgotten and I ask: who have you invited? One of my favourite stories from the life of Jesus is the way

As Buechner once wrote, “what's

that he invited himself to tables and parties (see

friendship, when all's done, but the giving

Luke 11 and the story of Zacchaeus). If even the

and taking of wounds?” (Godric, p. 7). At

Son of God occasionally invited himself over,

the end of the day, my truest friends have

surely we should be bold in our invitations.

walked with me through the weary, wounded spaces, and I have had the great privilege of sharing a few of those stories with them as well.

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PERSONAL REFLECTIONS Characteristics of my friends who are leaders:

Look for friends…

They are curious.

• Who risk for you

They ask good questions. They could

• Who refresh you

monologue, but instead they are endlessly

• Who are true encouragers

interested in the world around them.

• Who will fight for you • Who will tell you the truth

They are wise.

• Who bring you joy

They’ve lived too many stories to make

• Who widen your vision

careless decisions. They still take risks, but

• Who think deeply

they measure and count the cost.

• Who laugh often • Who love generously

They pray.

They understand that the only way we can possibly survive, lead, love in this moment is if

And when you find them, wherever you

the Spirit empowers us.

find them, hold them close.

They are kind.

They care about the way that character shapes our influence. They lead in hidden, beautiful ways alongside their public, known ministry.

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GO DEEPER

Books to Read Experiencing Friendship with God by Faith Eury Cho Find Your People by Jennie Allen Friendish by Kelly Needham Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer Spiritual Friendship by Aelred of Revaulx Spiritual Friendship by Mindy Caliguire Spiritual Friendship by Wesley Hill The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker

Reflections from Luke 24 True friends walk together (v. 13) True friends speak honestly with each other. (v.14) True friends encounter the presence of Jesus. (v. 15) True friends are willing to widen the circle (v.18) True friends speak of the work of God in their lives (v.19-23) True friends can handle correction (v. 25-27) True friends welcome you when it is inconvenient (v. 29-30) True friends help you see truth more clearly (v. 32) True friends tell true stories well (v. 34).

True friends will lead you into a greater revelation of and communion with Jesus. (v.35)

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kaleidoscope of friends beauty so often found in the unexpected the flourless cake of grapefruit instead of orange (it was all we had) the kaleidoscope of friends collected by accidental intention from every corner of the soft-edged world the poet who sees in colour the potter finding her kiln the prophet with visions of endless fields of rest the songs half-written I am, you are, he is the puppy, the baby, the once-plumber, the always-dreamers wondering if we will ever find the words to capture Grace I dreamed of a table Wide I longed for a home Open I imagined a space Deep I prayed for the edges and found an ocean beauty so often found in our weak, weary wounded places broken, blessed holy.

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CONNECT Stay in touch at: sarahyardley.com sarahyardley.substack.com Socials: Instagram: @sarahyardley Twitter: @yardleysarah Facebook: @sarahyardley

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To God be the glory.