CONNECT, a yanasisters publication (Winter 2022)

a yanasisters publication

Winter 2022

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YANASIST ERS SH AR WHAT LO E VE IS

CAN YOU FEEL

THE POWER OF LOVE?

photo of and by Imani Monica McCullough

THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL ALWAYS BE MY BABY COUNT ON ME RECKLESS LOVE HE IS

Winter 2022

Can You Feel the Power of Love?

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

FOUNDER & PRESIDENT Connection Coach, Speaker, Retreat Facilitator, Author, and Attorney Imani Monica McCullough is a vibrant voice for women worldwide.

Through her transformative platform, YANAsisters, she thrives on helping women live more passionate and authentic lives.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Kellyn McGee is a licensed attorney and mediator, a former law professor and Dean of Students, a writer and editor, and a certified yoga teacher. At her essence, she is a learner and teacher.

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Tamara Derou­selle is a wife, mom, daughter, and friend with a passion for reading, vegan baking, and financial planning. Her day job is as an IT Director for a consulting firm, while she moonlights as a real estate investor, makeup artist, and podcaster.

Felicia C. Lewis is a writer, photographer, and Registered Nurse. Recently divorced, Felicia lives in Houston, Texas with her teenage son and two cats, whom she adores. Her book, “Dark Girls Like to Dance Too,” promotes loving oneself while living a full life of purpose and passion.

Karla Lorraine Booker is a practicing physician, but her favorite titles are “Grandmommy,” “World Traveler,” and “Avid Crocheter.” She has three beloved grown children and two delightful grandsons, Trey and Hunter II. Her foundational belief is that women, as the heart of the family, are also the heart of our society.

Kuan-Yin Therese Timothee loves all things theology, travel, tea, and working out. She is happily married to her grade school sweetheart; and they share a tribe of six children and one fur-pup, Yankee. Kuan-Yin currently works as supply chain counsel for a healthcare organi­ zation in New York, while pursuing a PhD. Tiffany Kelly Williams is a coach, author, international speaker, educator, women’s ministry leader, and media personality. She is the CEO of Tiffany Inspires, a company dedicated to providing services and products that help women improve their health and wellness. Her own personal journey of losing over 80 pounds inspires many.

IN THIS ISSUE THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL 10

Self-love is a journey, not a destination.

Hear how one woman’s journey allowed her to reverse high blood pressure and lose over 80 pounds... and how her journey continues.

ALWAYS BE MY BABY 14

After a challenging road to motherhood, this YANAsister gave birth to a healthy baby boy during the height of the pandemic. An endearing story of hope, gratitude, and love.

RECKLESS LOVE 22

This YANAsister accepted God’s love, then found her forever love in the form of a grade school friend she reconnected with after over 20 years.

HE IS 26

A POWER OF LOVE SPECIAL 6 13 16 20 25 29

We polled YANAsisters on what LOVE is. Their answers will warm your hearts, and remind you of the healing power of love.

IN EVERY ISSUE Love after loss can be scary — hear how this woman took the leap again and found her agape love.

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Founder’s Letter

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Yoga Is A Prayer

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What is YANAsisters?

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YANA Playlist

COUNT ON ME 18

These eight sisterfriends have chosen to love each other for better or for worse. A beautiful message of sisterly love.

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LETTER FROM THE FOUNDER

My sisters, It was love at first sight. Or at least it was for me.

I’d arrived at the airport early, determined not to keep my mystery guy waiting. My heart was beating fast in anticipation of finally seeing him, after 10 weeks of him being nothing more than a picture on my screen.

Was I really ready for this type of commitment – especially after living alone for so many years? What if he didn’t like me? What if I didn’t like him? Would the normal “it’s not me it’s you” line be enough to send him back home? Maybe I wasn’t ready after all!

And then it happened.

I opened the door, and he ever-so-slowly came running into my arms. Well, actually it wasn’t quite a run, and I had to prod him along a bit, but the point is that he came to me. And, as I felt him in my arms, I knew it was a soul connection for life....

I used to laugh at people who treated their dogs like children, but yes, here I am professing my eternal love for August (my oldest furbaby) to the world. What can I say?

Sometimes you just know.

If you’re thinking that I’m crazy, this wouldn’t be the first — and certainly won’t be the last — time that I’ve been known to think a little differently. But, just let me explain.

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After my divorce many years ago, it was hard to think about ever letting anyone back in. And, although I’d dated plenty, at that time I had never really let anyone fully see me. Because if they saw me and didn’t like me, well... that would be a worse rejection than I had already endured.

But here was this little guy whose needs were simple and clear. Food, water, the occasional treat, a few belly rubs, and some playtime were all he needed. And in exchange, well, he promised me unconditional love.

If I’m not looking my best, he still seems to think I’m beautiful.

If I’m working too hard, he puts his paw on my laptop to remind me to take a break.

If I don’t give him enough attention, he doesn’t fuss – he just climbs his big behind into my lap to remind me he needs some loving. :) If I’m having a rough day, he listens without judgment.

If I’m crying, he gets this worried look on his face, then does his best to comfort me.

And if I’m cranky, well he just gives me some space then circles back like nothing ever happened. No judgment.

The way August loves me makes me want to love better. He’s taught me so much about myself, taught me so much about unconditional love, and expanded my heart in ways I never could have imagined. In fact, I think he prepared me for my human love.

In this issue, five YANAsisters similarly share their atypical love stories — stories about love of self, love of children, love of sisters/friends, and finally, love of God (which if we’re lucky, we find in human form). Our Editor-in-Chief reminds us how everything, including yoga, can be an expression of love. And, finally, we asked the question “What is LOVE?” A special thanks to all of the ladies who shared their hearts with us!

Love and Light,

Imani

P.S. This issue is dedicated to the legendary bell hooks — author, professor, feminist, and social activist — who passed away several weeks before we went to print.

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LOVE IS A SPACE OF PEACE THAT REQUIRES NO EXPLANATIONS NOR PERFORMANCE… CHANELL

LOVE IS WOMEN’S BEST FRIEND, PIPA. SHE HAS HELPED ME LEARN TO CARE BEYOND MYSELF. SHANNON

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AS I’M EITHER SINGING OR SPEAKING TO HIM, I JUST ADORE HOW THESE EYES ARE LOCKED INTO MINE; AS IT EPITOMIZES OUR UNBREAKABLE BOND AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER. TAMARA

I WISH WE (PEOPLE) COULD LOVE EACH OTHER THE WAY DOGS LOVE US...

UNCONDITIONALLY. DEBRIELLE 7

Yoga

is a Prayer

by Kellyn McGee

The truth is there are days I resist getting on my mat. This inanimate, flat, slip of a thing holds such power that…I know. I know that when I step onto the mat and take a deep breath in, all will come out. Everything that I’ve held within, just waiting for a slow, long exhale. But I also know that stepping on the mat on those days is what the mat is for. The mat’s presence is why I ever go to it. And what that shows me is that presence is love. Sometimes love can feel ethereal or intangible. But its presence has heft. My presence on the mat, and the enduring presence of the mat itself, is self-love. Selfless and selfish love for me.

Presence is what I try to offer to others. I try to give my whole attention, particularly 8

when I’m with people I love. I try to show up and support them in their endeavors. And I receive it as an expression of love when they show up for me. I have a cousin I became close with when we each happened to live in D.C. more than 20 years ago. Now that we live on opposite coasts, we remain in close contact, mainly because she shows up – is present – at the weekly virtual yoga class I’ve taught since April 2020. She signs on about 15 minutes before class so we can talk and we continue to talk after class. Our closeness could’ve dissipated when she moved to California but we’ve been able to remain present in each other’s lives (thank you, pandemic).

Frankly, there are days when I don’t want to teach and a few times I’ve cancelled class because I didn’t have the mental energy to hold space for others. But every time I’ve taught a class I was glad I was present to (hopefully) guide people to whatever they needed from the mat. Teaching – my

presence — is my offer of love to all who showed up for themselves. Even if they spent the whole class in child’s pose or just seated on the mat, I was there to remind them that they could love themselves that way.

My dog JayCee loves yoga, or, at least, he loves the props of the practice. He never avoids the mat. Every time I roll it out, he runs on it as if I’m preparing the space for him. When I lay a blanket over the mat for my restorative practices, he lies down until I force him off. During the final pose of practice – savasana – he’s usually lying somewhere near on a blanket or he’ll place a toy on my body or the mat, reminding me he’s there. Recently, a few days before I was travelling to see my father who has been ill, I was taking a yoga class and during savasana JayCee climbed on top of me and laid on my chest, his face facing mine. Our eyes locked for a moment and then I reclosed my eyes, placed my hands on him, and we finished the practice in rest.

Present with each other, in love.

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THE GREATEST

LOVE OF

ALL

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I

’m sitting in my hotel room ready to officially kick-off my self-love solo birthday trip. Since checking into the hotel, I’ve found myself crying as I passed through places that reminded me of my dad who is no longer with me in the physical realm. I’ve had feelings of joy for actually driving four hours without experiencing an anxiety attack.

And I’ve experienced sorrow as I recalled moments past and present when I haven’t done the best job of practicing selflove.

As those thoughts come, I can hear my therapist telling me to reframe my thoughts. So, instead, I say, “Tiffany, you’re doing a great job. You’re making strides to love you every day. You’ve learned from your mistakes and I’m proud of you, girlie! Look at how far you’ve come!”

A NEW START In 2005, I made a decision to move to Georgia for a new start. I was 29 years old and had spent my life living for everyone else. I had spent countless hours each day helping my dad run several family businesses, and these businesses were my life!

My dad expected me to be there almost every day, and because he depended on me, I never told him no. I was

also the one my mom, family, and friends depended on. I constantly placed their needs before mine.

happiness, and to choose self-love. It was my time and I had to trust that my family and friends would be okay.

Finally, after experiencing another hurtful relationship, I decided to pack up my studio apartment in my mom’s house in New York, leave my new job coaching teachers, leave my family, let go of

DISCOVERING WHO I AM

I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION THAT IT WAS TIME TO CHOOSE ME, TO CHOOSE HAPPINESS, AND TO CHOOSE SELF-LOVE. relationships and everything that was comfortable and familiar to relocate to Georgia. I was tired and I wanted to experience really being on my own and to discover new opportunities.

This was the first phase of my self-love journey, the first time I consciously took intentional actions to HONOR MYSELF. I had to make a decision that it was time to choose me, to choose

During the first few years in Georgia, I struggled with being away from family and friends.

I got involved in relationships that didn’t serve me, I ate away my problems, and I didn’t feel beautiful underneath my smile. I soon found myself stressed out, thirty-plus pounds heavier than when I moved, on two high blood pressure meds (and the doctors had already written me off as someone who would never get off), and trying to let go of the remnants of another failed relationship.

But, in 2007, a plane ride from a conference in St. Louis forever changed my life. I was talking to a co-worker who shared a sad story about the death of her mother due to years of being on medications for high blood pressure – medications that took a serious toll on her organs. I knew then it was time to make a vital change and right then set a mission to make better choices to improve my health and wellbeing.

This next phase of my selflove/self-care journey not 11

only changed my life but it catapulted me into my Godgiven assignment of helping others on their wellness journeys. Over the next few years not only did I lose eighty plus pounds but I learned to love myself more, practice self-compassion, give myself grace, and understand my triggers. I began to love what I saw even more when I looked in the mirror.

BECOMING FLAWLESS In 2020, I connected with a holistic doctor, who became my coach and mentor. She helped me discover that while I had changed my physical appearance, become healthier, and improved my mindset, there was yet another level of self-love/selfcare to work on within.

During my journey with the coach, I adopted new practices that helped me improve my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being. I learned to incorporate meditation, true quiet time with God, consistent journaling, and daily gratitude in order to stay grounded and to love on myself. Meditation, along with prayer, has truly helped me improve my struggles with anxiety and depression.

Journaling helps me express myself and process things that are going on in my head.

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I kept seeing my therapist to help me continue to unpack and process past and current challenges. I learned to use affirmations to quiet negative chatter and help me stay positive. And, I now say “no” more, create boundaries (this is an ongoing process, lol), sleep and rest (love my couch and a good show), take walks in nature, and have monthly massage appointments. I’m also learning to let go of people and things that steal my peace.

Some weeks and days I’m better at the journey than others and I’m grateful! I love me from the inside out, flaws and all.

THE WORK CONTINUES… So what is self-love? For me, self-love is a journey that requires intentional actions to truly honor yourself. It’s learning how to be kind and compassionate to yourself, give grace to yourself, and prioritize YOUR NEEDS. It’s the thing that catapults you to your highest potential.

Everyone’s self-love journey is personal and no one’s journey looks the same. It’s a process and there are levels.

Most importantly, we must enjoy every aspect of the journey, be kind to ourselves, and CHOOSE OURSELVES today and every day!

LOVE IS GOING OUT OF YOUR WAY TO PUT THEM FIRST, JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO... LOVE IS ALSO LEARNING TO EXTEND THE GRACE I GIVE TO OTHERS TO MYSELF. GLORIA

LOVE IS LIKE A CUP. AS LONG AS WE BOTH HAVE A DECENT AMOUNT IN THERE; THERE’S MORE THAN ENOUGH TO SHARE! LISA

LOVE LOOKS LIKE MANY DIFFERENT THINGS TO MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT THE ONE THING THAT IS CONSISTENT IN ALL OF THAT IS THAT IT’S A CHOICE... LOVE IS AN ACTIVE DAILY CHOICE.” MAIYSHA 13

always BE MY BABY

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“ We were as one, for a moment in time...”

The day I saw the two blue lines on my pregnancy test, I was resigned and cautious about my optimism. After three miscarriages, this was not my first rodeo. But time went on and five weeks later, I heard a heartbeat.

That was when I really let a tiny seed of hope grow.

It’s amazing how fear and hope can coexist.

I have a “Corona Baby,” and these are crazy times to be pregnant. COVID added another layer of fear. And while I was terrified of losing my baby, I continued to set milestones to ration out a few more ounces of hope: the DNA testing at 16 weeks, viability at 24 weeks, full term at 37 weeks, and then, in my 41st week, my Cam Bam decided he was ready to meet the world.

After nine months of holding my breath, I thought childbirth would allow me to finally let it go. But initially, I mostly experienced shock and the fear took a different shape after 26 hours of non-medicated labor.

Honestly, the labor was the easy part. He was here, now what? I was responsible for a whole tiny human. And I was not ready. I’m still not. Everything from breastfeeding to sleep schedules feels like a herculean feat. I would never have believed that I would learn to be okay with things like wearing pee and spit-up stains, and perpetually smelling of breastmilk.

(FYI, #boymom = got peed on.). It is difficult, precious, unique, and beautiful all at the same time. I would not trade it for anything in the world.

Despite all of that, you cannot tell me he is not the most beautiful baby boy ever.

His laughter is the stuff all my dreams are made of. He is the answer to a million

prayers, and not just my own. He is a revelation of love. And not just mine for him, but also the love those around me have for him and for me. There are so many ways Cameron is a discovery of love in my life. The loss of babies can be isolating, but the miracle of a newborn opened me in new ways to a mother’s love and all the love of those who were cheering for us.

Gratitude doesn’t begin to describe how I feel for my baby and for my village. In these quarantining times, I haven’t been able to share him with those I love as much as I would like. And as Cam grows, I keep trying to bottle the moments. His first real smile and laugh, his first time rolling over, his first taste of food…. I know there are years of firsts to come, but it all seems to be moving so fast. I have never felt this way about another human being.

My love song for my son is Mariah Carey’s “Always Be My Baby.” I know kids grow up and grow on, but for now, he and I are inextricably connected.

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LOSING MY MOTHER AT A YOUNG AGE GAVE ME A STRONG DESIRE TO RECEIVE A MOTHER’S LOVE. AFTER BIRTHING MY DAUGHTER, I REALIZED THAT TRUE LOVE IS NOT ABOUT RECEIVING, BUT GIVING. SIX AND A HALF YEARS LATER, MY SON WAS BORN AND THE LOVE GREW. NOW THAT THEY ARE ADULTS AND I AM A GRANDMOTHER, I TRULY EXPERIENCE THE DEPTH OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IN GIVING AND RECEIVING. AUDRENA

I’VE GOT BIG LOVE FOR FINN, MY BRAVE, RESILIENT, NONBINARY CHILD, WHO RETURNED TO SCHOOL WITH A NEW NAME, NEW PRONOUNS, AND A DETERMINATION TO FINALLY BE THEIR AUTHENTIC SELF. NOT EASY TO DO IN OUR HETERONORMATIVE SOCIETY. LET’S HAVE THAT CONVERSATION! #PROUDMAMABEAR KIM

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MY SON, IF NOT FOR YOU, I DON’T THINK I WOULD TRULY UNDERSTAND HOW GOD’S LOVE WORKS. THE SAME WAY I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED, AND FOR YOU TO KNOW THAT I’M HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. AND THAT’S WHAT GOD HAS BEEN TRYING TO TELL ME ALL ALONG. SO, THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME WHAT GOD’S LOVE IS. MALISSA

JUSTIN AND ETHAN, YOU WERE THE FIRST TO CALL ME MOMMY AND THAT IS STILL MUSIC TO MY EARS. MEETING YOU AT 6 AND 7 IS STILL THE GREATEST GIFT GOD HAS GRANTED ME. AND ALTHOUGH I WAS YOUNG AND HAD NO IDEA HOW TO BE A MOM, I HAD NO DOUBT YOU WERE DESTINED TO BE MY SONS. I WAS DETERMINED TO BE THE MOMMY YOU DESERVED WHEN I MARRIED YOUR FATHER OR DIE TRYING. UNFORTUNATELY, THERE IS NO MOMMY MANUAL; I JUST HAD A MOTHER’S LOVE PARTNERED WITH INSTINCT GUIDED BY THE FATHER’S

WORD. I DON’T ADMIT TO KNOWING EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PARENTING JOURNEY, BUT ONE THING I KNOW AND VOW, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN EVER DO THAT’LL EVER KEEP ME FROM LOVING YOU WITH ALL THAT I AM. MOMMY (EMELY) 17

Count On Me

by Felicia C. Lewis

M

ost people are blessed if they get to experience the love of one sister in a lifetime, but I’m especially blessed to have the Big Love of seven — seven women who are connected to me, not by blood, but by a Sisterly Bond that is founded on genuine trust, love, honor, and respect.

A Sisterly Bond is one where there’s no judgment, no envy, no backbiting, and no unhealthy competition.

There’s a lot of love, laughter, praying for one another, tears (good and

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bad), open communication, and sometimes just “checking in.”

It’s one where you can just show up at her house, eyes swollen from crying over a breakup from your dumb boyfriend (his loss), and all your sister does is open the door, hug you, and let you come in and sleep it off, no questions asked. It’s one where she fixes your favorite comfort food, changes your dressings, polishes your toenails, and takes care of your son after surgery. She sneaks money into your hand, or tells you to stop

fussing, get off her phone, and come pick up a check to pay your mortgage for the month because you’re still getting on your feet after your spouse walked away from your twenty-year marriage.

A Sisterly Bond is one where you look up and realize you two have literally been on the phone talking for more than seven hours and the sun’s coming up. It’s one where you road trip from Houston to Detroit to help her drive back home after graduating from Prairie View. (PV, You Know!)

It’s one where your road trip

her meals and sit with her half a day after surgery, and you celebrate one another’s birthdays real BIG! She names her beautiful new male colt after your son.

You push one another, are each other’s biggest cheerleaders, and protect one another at all cost. You never take one another for granted.

AND YOU SHOW UP DURING THE HARD TIMES. During the past five years my sisters and I have all suffered losses, and two months ago it was my turn when my mom lost her fifteen-year battle with Alzheimer’s. All of my sisters — Benita, Donna, Jacquelyn, Kristen, Tammie, Titania, and Toni — were there for me at every turn.

destinations include San Antonio, Anadarko, Orlando, New Orleans, Las Vegas, Cancun, and Punta Cana. It’s one where you fight over the bill at restaurants while telling the server to “walk away now” with your credit card.

Aah, the gratification.

Her mom becomes your mom, her husband becomes your brother, her children become your nieces and nephews, her siblings your siblings, and you take care of each other’s pets when you go out of town. You begin to act alike, talk alike, think alike, and you create memories that still have you howling with laughter three decades later. You gift one another with very thoughtful and meaningful gifts just because. You have food delivered to her when family members die. You drop off “get well” baskets when she’s sick, you bring

My sisters made sure my son DJ and I had food, they picked me up to run errands, kept my spirits lifted, protected me from toxic family members, and kept me lifted in prayer. My sisters stayed by my side for five days, which happened to include Titania’s 50th birthday weekend and she so selflessly wanted us to celebrate Mama Ruthie and not her. (We managed to do both.) Mama Ruthie loved red and loved hats so my sisters and I all wore red and some of us honored her by wearing her hats to the services. My sisters took charge and made sure every aspect of Mama Ruthie’s Celebration of Life was perfect. Because of them, it was absolutely one of the best weekends of my life.

The mental and physical strength and protection shown to me by my sisters kept me going, and to this day, still keeps me going.

Of all the many loves I’ve known, it warms my heart to know that I can always count on them. There’s nothing like a Sisterly Bond.

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BECAUSE LOVE ALLOWS YOU TO SEE YOURSELF IN OTHERS, IT NURTURES COMPASSION BETWEEN LOVING SIBLINGS AND YIELDS MIRACULOUS LIFE EXPERIENCES FROM WHICH YOU ALL CAN SHARE, BENEFIT, AND GROW. TRALONDA AND TREMENE

LOVE IS BEING PRESENT UNCONDITIONALLY — DEMONSTRATING COMPASSION, SUPPORT, CORRECTION, TEARS, SMILES AND SHENANIGANS. FATIMHA AND YESSENNIA

LOVE IS HAVING SISTERS, NOT JUST BY BLOOD, BUT BY ALSO CHOICE. ANGIE AND SHIRLETHIA 20

WHAT IS YANASISTERS?

YANASISTERS is an intergenerational wisdom circle for women — like you.

We’ve created this safe space, this spiritual space, to celebrate our womanhood. Here, with us, you will find healing. You will find happiness. You will find hope.

And most importantly, you will find a new you.

Connection is the essence of our community. Whether through our intimate online group, coaching programs, local meetups or one of our transformative destination retreats, we are here to support you in this season of your awakening. We share our stories, our pasts and our pain—lovingly and openly—to show one another that we are more alike than we are different.

We defy the notion that differences divide us. We are women who are all shapes, sizes, skin tones and swag. But our spirits—our souls—are every bit the same. And we only have one rule. Leave all judgment at the door.

You arrived here today, not by coincidence, but because you know existing isn’t enough. We believe that too, and we want to support you to manifest something meaningful in your life—whether that something is more joy, more freedom, more confidence and selflove, a more fulfilling profession or a better relationship. YANA is as much about recovery as it discovery. As you exhale your pain and inhale your passion and purpose, you will find you can do—and be—anything. But first, Superwoman, you must take off the cape.

When you need love, we’re here.

When you need an embrace for your body or your soul, we’re here.

When you need the freedom to explore those hidden, but treasured, parts of yourself, we’re here.

When you need to free yourself to be yourself, we’re here.

We, your sisters, welcome you with warm, open arms.

BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 21

Reckless Love

Before I spoke a word, You were singing over me, You have been so, so good to me…

It was surreal to watch my grandmother each Sunday as she prepared to go to church. She would play a hymn in the background and yell at an invisible form in the corner, “Devil, nothing will stop me from going to church. I’m going to see God!” I didn’t understand what the big deal was in going to church or why she was yelling at the devil. (All my 8-year-old self saw was a run in her stockings.) What I do know is that she made me go with her – where I watched her kneeling, mumbling inaudible prayers.

by Kuan-Yin Therese Timothee

As I grew in age, experience, and heartache I learned to do some of the same things as my grandmother because I believed in God. But I didn’t yet understand what it meant to be loved by God. Before I took a breath, You breathed Your life in me… You have been so, so kind to me…

I don’t know if it is a normal phenomenon to challenge the parameters of life and death

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– or to experience such (seemingly at the time) trauma that you want to take your own life. But I did. I was a young wife and mother at 21 and I wanted to end it all. But something stopped me, spoke to me.

I looked at my sleeping children and refused to let them live without me. Also, raised Catholic, I believed that killing myself was an irreparable sin.

years of hurt, pain, lack, disappointment, resentment, abuse, and shame that I had bottled up. I lay on the alter for what seemed like hours.

I was drained, but also felt lighter. It was as if a weight had been lifted.

I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away… Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God…

But, in all my knowledge of religion, I didn’t yet know or understand relationship with God. Oh, the overwhelming, neverending, reckless love of God..

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninetynine…

I later learned that when I’d wanted to take my life, it was the Holy Spirit pulling me, tugging me to stay. Despite what I didn’t know, I knew I wanted my kids to have THAT kind of relationship with God — where He guided them.

So, during my Army stint at West Point, when a fellow soldier invited me to church, I went.

I had grown up going to Mass, which was ritualistic, routine, expectant. But, this church service was unorthodox, unexpected, inviting . . . almost intoxicating. That Sunday, I cried. I wailed.

I released so many

I LEARNED TO UNDER­ STAND THAT ALL 66 BOOKS OF THE BIBLE WERE SPECIFICALLY FOR ME. I MEAN SERIOUSLY — LOVE LETTERS FOR ME.

It didn’t happen immediately, but through Bible Study, women’s conferences, and Christian book studies, I learned to understand that all 66 books of the Bible were specifically for me. I mean seriously — love letters for me. Love letters that highlighted what I was still missing.

After twenty-plus years, I was exhausted from holding my marriage together perfectly and from not receiving the love God held for me. When I realized my marriage was dead, it was one of the darkest times of my life. I was ashamed — a woman who loved God so much — where was my faith? But, after years of counseling, praying, fasting, and believing — I realized that although I knew what the Word of God said about marriage, I couldn’t live in a broken one.

The death of the marriage had happened long before the legality of divorce was final.

When I was Your foe, still Your love fought for me… You have been so, so good to me…

I didn’t yet realize that it wasn’t the marriage that lacked the capacity for love, it was me. I didn’t love myself.

I didn’t allow God to love me. I couldn’t give romantic or agape love because I never believed I deserved it myself. I didn’t understand 23

the redemptive power of His love and I couldn’t give, nor receive, what I didn’t have.

I was empty. I had tried everything, and it still wasn’t ‘ok’ within me.

On a particularly dark day, I called a childhood friend and we spoke for hours about everything. Everything I was ever ashamed of, afraid of, and wronged by, I shared and the openness was reciprocated. I exposed my plans and heard his parroted responses as if I was speaking to myself.

I was reminded of the innocence of being in pigtails and playing hopscotch in the school yard. I was reminded of the quick glances and of the rapid beating of my heart when he looked at me.

The memorialized words transcribed in his yearbook of our innocent affection shared for each other was echoed to my needing soul. . . I felt safe.

This man, my now husband, gave (and selflessly continues to give) me love that I had never known and thought I would never find.

When I felt no worth, You paid it all for me… But You have been so, so kind to me.

I believe that every experience we live through, we also grow through. Years of therapy, being truly loved by my husband, and friends 24

that genuinely wish me well, helped me HEAR and FEEL the love that God has for me despite my shortcomings, failures, disappointments, and setbacks. I learned that God’s redemptive power to love me has nothing to do with the things I did or didn’t do.

God loves me because HE is love. And because HE is love and I am made from Him, He loves me. Years of reading and studying the Bible didn’t bring me to that personal realization until I experienced the death of my then marriage. Not until I experienced my personal failures as a friend, as a wife, as a mother, and as an employee did I truly feel that love. I needed to empty myself out to understand that God loved me when I was at my lowest. If my life had been perfect, I don’t know that I would have been able to see and hear God’s love songs for me.

I had to ask God IN my marriage, IN my heart, IN my mess, IN my pain of what was, of what was not, so HE could deeply, intentionally, love me. Love in and of itself is perfect. But God chose to redeem a messy me — when I was broken, lost, afraid, damaged and at the end of myself to show me I was worth it.

I am forever grateful to have the love of God and my husband. While they are distinctly separate, they are uniquely interwoven, and I am accountable to both so the love may grow. I must show up each day to prayer, to my marriage, to love. That is my lifelong charge.

1Cor13:4-8 Love never fails.

(Song excerpts from “Reckless Love” by Israel Houghton)

LOVE IS A LIFETIME OF DATE NIGHTS. ERIKA

LOVE IS HAVING A READY AND WILLING TRAVEL PARTNER! KINAYA

LOVE IS EVERYTHING YOU WANT IT TO BE. KAYE

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HE IS

by Karla Lorraine Booker

When I was 12, I had a crush on my brother’s best friend, Kent Smith. He was really cute and that made me blush; but what I remember most was how safe he made me feel… how tender and careful he was with me. How I could tell he was looking out for my well-being whenever he was in my presence. There is no way Kent could have known how much his kindness meant to little Karla, especially as a girl who had already endured so much, including sexual abuse.

Fast forward 38 years to 2013 when, through the wonder that is Facebook, I saw his name on my sorority sister’s page. My heart went pitterpat and I smiled effortlessly. I immediately

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went to his page and saw a picture that still haunts me to this day – Kent, smoking his last cigarette, after 35 years. I thought he was so brave and so vulnerable to share this attempt with the world, so I messaged him just that!

He responded his thanks and mentioned how proud my husband and I must be with the recent marriage of our daughter. I replied, “Yes, we are very proud, but I’m not married.” He answered, “I’m on my way!” We began messaging and connecting in a way that, to that point in my life, I had never known.

I felt seen and heard and inherently understood. I felt friendship and loyalty, empathy and compassion, romance and intimacy. Two months later, he came to Atlanta so we could see if this ‘true love’ we were feeling through Skype would stand up to the wrinkles and belly and emotional baggage that had kept both of us in a space of singlehood at 50 years old.

He looked different than I had expected and there wasn’t this immediate physical attraction. But when he spoke, the love that had grown between us consumed me. And that was all it took.

I realized it is the spiritual connection that will last, not the physical one. Within months, I adored every wrinkle, lovingly kissed his balding head, and rested on

his snuggly belly to nap. I was smitten.

Eight months later, he surprised me with a marriage proposal! And, in September of 2014, Kent moved to make a home with me in Atlanta.

Our plan was to build his business in Atlanta and then marry in June 2015. A few days later, I drove him to catch the megabus back to Richmond, not knowing that my life was about to be forever changed.

Four hours later, Kent called to tell me something was wrong with his hand and he could not hold anything. I’m a physician, so I immediately got on the phone for consultations. We all agreed he should stay on the bus and go to the ER as soon as he got to Richmond. I waited, and after what seemed like forever, Kent called to say that his CT scan showed bleeding in his brain. I quickly hopped on a plane and upon landing received a barrage of texts about cancer. I was dumbfounded. The next day, we learned it was Stage 4 lung cancer with brain metastasis.

2% chance of 5-year survival.

Kent’s health rapidly deteriorated but we were allowed one hour out of the ICU on October 27, 2014 to marry in the Healing Garden at the Medical College of Virginia. With tears in our eyes, we realized our dream

of becoming man and wife.

And, 71 days later, Kent died in a hospital bed in our home, with all the boxes he’d moved in still unpacked. I cannot describe the hurt and anger I felt. I could not understand why my destiny continued to be filled with disappointment, loss, and heartbreak.

I kept hearing God say, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing.”

But, I would stop Him midsentence and say out loud, “Talk to the hand. None of this makes any sense. You could have clipped out those 20 months and sewn the timeline back together. But you didn’t.

And I’ll never understand why.”

Thank God my story didn’t end there.

My journey back to sanity and hope for this life took two years. My YANA experience was a major turning point. Someone on Facebook felt my anguish and told me I needed Imani.

We messaged, then she called me around midnight and held my pain and tears as if she’d known me forever.

I attended two retreats and could finally see some light in the midst of the storm. I learned the power of the vision board – powerfully and intentionally laying out my hopes and dreams – and keeping them before me. I timidly devoted a corner to LOVE & ROMANCE, knowing I still longed for a life partner.

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And, in 2017, I met him — Kenneth Strickland. He checked every category on that year’s vision board: healthy and health-focused.

Educated and rounding out a career. Fiscally sound and savvy. Someone’s grandfather.

Handsome. And most important – loves God more than he could ever love me.

Kenneth is the consistent one. The cautious one. The provider. The one with the bird’s eye view, who evaluates situations from a 360-degree perspective. I didn’t know how much I needed this in my life…

I’m the fun one. The energetic one. The impulsive one. The dreamer. The possibilityoriented one. The “throw caution to the wind” one. He didn’t know how much he needed this in his life either.

Having someone say, “I’m not going anywhere” and watching them show that in every aspect of our interaction has shifted everything for me. My whole life has been undergirded with paralyzing, fearful thoughts: NO ONE IS HERE FOR YOU… NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP… NO ONE WILL SACRIFICE FOR YOU… ALL YOU HAVE IS WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF. And, although I think it made me very strong, it has been a debilitating, deprivationoriented way to live. I’ve also found that the strength I have is nothing but sinking 28

MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN UNDERGIRDED WITH PARALYZING, FEARFUL THOUGHTS: NO ONE IS HERE FOR YOU. NO ONE IS COMING TO HELP. sand; eventually it will fail because it’s really God that I didn’t trust to stick around. Soooo, having this really firm foundation in my marriage – which could only be as firm and foundational as it is through God’s love, provision, and grace – has allowed me to risk discomfort and push past my fears.

We sharpen one another.

But, I think the real growth has come in how we soften one another. The safety and security that we bring allows us to be vulnerable, and this provides an intimacy

that expands and endures.

It also helps that Kenneth appreciates the journey that brought me to him. Every year, on the anniversary of Kent’s death, Kenneth reminds me that he loves Kent too – because I wouldn’t be the wife I am for him – if I hadn’t been the wife I was for Kent.

I lost someone who changed the way I felt about love… Who changed the way I felt about and saw myself… Whose death had me reeling and finally crawling home, bloody and bruised to My Heavenly Father.

Now in retrospect, I’m clear: Just because something feels awful doesn’t mean that it IS awful. And if I look for God in every circumstance, no matter how it feels, I will hear Him whispering, “Trust me. I know what I’m doing. I have a plan.”

I thank God for Kenneth and for my life every single day.

Because of who he is, and because of all that HE IS, I am fulfilled… from the inside out.

LOVE IS OVERCOMING OBSTACLES WE DID NOT KNOW WOULD COME OUR WAY. THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE HAS BEEN MY HUSBAND’S SICKNESS AND THE THOUGHT OF NOT SEEING HIM AGAIN. EVERY DAY OUR LOVE GROWS STRONGER AS WE CELEBRATE EACH VICTORY EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. LATONYA

LOVE IS HAVING A HUSBAND WHO RESPECTS HIS COVENANT WITH GOD… ALLOWING HIM TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC COVENANT WITH ME. SHANTELL

LOVE IS COMMUNICATING AT A LEVEL THAT REQUIRES NO INTERPRETATION. SHARON 29

Yana Power of Love Playlist We asked YANAsisters in our private Facebook group for their favorite love songs and created the YANA “Power of Love” Playlist on Spotify.

Here’s a sample of songs you’ll hear:

Forever, For Always, For Love by Lalah Hathaway Loving You Is Everything by Ayanna Gregory & KAlyn Best Part by H.E.R. ft Daniel Caesar Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey All This Love by DeBarge Sweet Love by Anita Baker Count on Me by Whitney Houston Count on Me by Bruno Mars Good Morning Gorgeous by Mary J. Blige There’ll Never Be by Switch You Give Good Love by Whitney Houston Knocks Me Off My Feet by Stevie Wonder I’ve Got Love on my Mind by Natalie Cole Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston Never Felt So Good by Michael Jackson/Justin Timberlake Lucky by Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat Love is You by Chrisette Michelle Reckless Love by Israel Houghton The Look of Love by Diana Krall Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran All of Me by John Legend Love of My Life by Erykah Badu The Power of Love by Celine Dion All content in Connect is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be advice or counseling. Always seek professional help in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your health or the health of others. © You Are Not Alone 2022 www.yanasisters.com For requests or questions, email to imani@yanasisters.com