Issuu

Vol. 145, No. 6

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Jan. 18, 2017 1

RECORD The Music Issue

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“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

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MATHEMATICIAN WHO SPENT WHOLE LIFE ON 1 PROOF BESTED BY FRAT BOY WITH 40 PROOF Dear President Trump, If you look at the data maps, it becomes clear that, technically, New York City is part of China already. Sincerely, Politburo, People’s Republic of China

STUDENT TURNS IN 15 PIGS FOR FINAL PAPER AFTER MISREADING SYLLABUS, RECEIVES ‘A’ Dear Doctor, Why are there hands on my face? Sincerely, A Clock

Dear Life, What is your purpose? Cuz I’m having a hard time with that question myself. Sincerely, The fake pockets in women’s pants Dear Ms. Fake Pockets, Honestly, it’s all decorative.

Best, Life

COMMITTEE TO ESTABLISH PRINCIPLES ON RENAMING TO BE RENAMED AFTER STEPHEN SCHWARZMAN Hi friend, I’m all ears! —What a ball of ears would say if it weren’t just a ball of ears

VICTORIA’S SECRET TURNS OUT TO HAVE BEEN FRIENDSHIP ALL ALONG Dear World, When will 2016 ever end? Sincerely, A man who doesn’t know what calendars are Dear World, When will 2016 ever end? Sincerely, A woman who DOES know what calendars are, but has that memory loss thing that Drew Barrymore had in “50 First Dates” and thinks it’s still January 2016.

NEW FROM BUZZFEED VIDEO: PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER DONE A THING BEFORE DO THAT THING, MILD AMUSEMENT ENSUES

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75-YEAR-OLD PINNOCHIO GETS HIS MAHOGA-KNEE REPLACED, FEELS LIKE A REAL BOY AGAIN Dear Yale, I was promised beer-soaked parties, not tear-soaked textbooks… what gives? Sincerely, Student Dear Student, How do you think we make Yale Natural Spring Water? Best Regards, Yale

STUDENT WINS AWARD THAT YOU ALSO COULD HAVE WON, IF YOU WERE THAT STUDENT Greeting and term of endearment to recipient, Body of text, usually containing the main subject of discussion of a letter. Some phrase indicating respect if letter is formal, Sender

TO AVOID INSENSITIVITY, RENAMING COMMITTEE RECOMMENDS THAT ALL YALE BUILDINGS BE NAMED AFTER IMPARTIAL CORPORATE SPONSORS. RESIDENTS OF COCA-COLA CORPORATION (TM)(OPEN A COKE, OPEN HAPPINESS) COLLEGE DECLINE TO COMMENT.

Dear America, You need a light?

Sincerely, Joe Biden

“HE WAS SUCH A GENTLE LOVER,” SAYS BLACK WIDOW SPIDER LAMENTING HER LATE HUSBAND Dear Vegetables, Up yours.

Sincerely, Ron Swanson

“NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!” SAYS RICK ASTLEY, CLINGING TO THE LAST VESTIGES OF HIS FADED FAME Dear EU, Babbeyyy I misss youu I can’t pound the sammmee without you! Sincerely, Drunk UK

UNDERSTOCKED BAGEL BRUNCH DISAPPOINTS STUDENTS; BAGEL BRUNCH ATTENDEES DISAPPOINT MOTHERS WHO WANTED THEM TO BE DOCTORS Dear Disappointed Customer, Feeling sexually frustrated? Brand name tissues got you down? Don’t stick with what you know: try KLEEN-XXX, our new luxury tissue line for adults. You’ll get over your ex in no time! Sincerely, An off-brand Kleenex company

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SCANDINAVIAN PESCATARIAN FINALLY FINISHES FINNISH FINS Dear Sandra, I have you scheduled for an MRI on Tuesday. Could you call me back? Thanks. Best, Heather Dear Heather, [Silence] Best, A potato wearing overalls who goes by Sandra and scheduled an MRI but can’t talk.

JOHN HANCOCK GETS OWN MUSICAL - CONSISTS OF ONE ACT, AND DIALOGUE IS ALL SHOUTED

Hello McDonald’s cashier, I’m sorry that I’m taking so long to decide what to get off the menu. I have a craving, but yet– what I want cannot simply be contained to one physical item. Yes, your menu spans multitudes, but does it really mean anything, man? We, all of us, are just standing in lines, just to stand in more lines so we can stuff more food into our faces. That is to say, what I really want–crave–is an idea. —Jeff, a twenty-something hungry for knowledge

GARY JOHNSON STILL TUNNELING THROUGH THE SEWERS OF ST. LOUIS IN AN ATTEMPT TO ATTEND A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

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Emmy Waldman ‘11

s I‌ write this editorial, on the very first day of 2017, I think about what a year it has been for me and for The Yale Record. We published some great pieces, tricked TIME into thinking we were a reputable news source, convinced Sam he had mono (again), and initiated a hilarious and charming group of individuals onto the Record staff. But despite the great laughs we shared in 2016, some not-so-great things happened, too. And I think we can all agree that, objectively, the worst event of 2016 was the time the entire Record editorial board was banned for life from the Grammy music awards. It all started, as most of 2016’s disasters did, with multiple concussions. But instead of Brian and Archie being the sufferers of minor head trauma, this time it was every 2016 Grammy nominee for Best Pop Solo Performance. Ed Sheeran, Kelly Clarkson, Ellie Goulding, Taylor Swift, and The Weeknd all individually announced that, due to five entirely unrelated tandem bike accidents, they would be unable to attend the 58th Annual Grammy Awards on February 15, 2016 at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. The Record was in the middle of brainstorming what group haircut to get when Adam, our source of celebrity health gossip, broke the news. “It can’t be!” cried Graham, sobbing into the wig samples he had brought for the occasion. “My five favourite musicians!” said Vicky, most Canadianly. “But Ed Sheeran is our generation’s Lennon,” moaned Nathan, who, following a tragic accident in his youth, could no longer tell the difference between British people. We all agreed that we could not just sit idly by as the Grammys were ruined by modern medicine. And who was better equipped to bring joy back to the music industry than the World’s Oldest Humor Magazine? So we stopped brainstorming communal hairstyles and started brainstorming a plan. “What if we replace all the awards with slightly smaller awards?” asked Alison, who loved subtlety. “What if we burn down the Staples Center?” proposed Ben, who hated subtlety

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almost as much as he hated the Staples Center. “What if we dress a giraffe in a custom tuxedo and have it sit in the front row like a celebrity?” suggested Daniel. We thought for a moment. The idea was subtle, but not too subtle: the perfect social commentary for a post-factual world. When Matt raised the question of how to acquire a giraffe on such short notice, Jake volunteered to play the part in a custom giraffe suit. With shockingly little convincing, Chris allowed us to allocate our entire 2016 budget to purchasing one. When the big day arrived, we were ready. Lane made a mix tape of original songs to play on the drive to Los Angeles, Alex hacked the security system to get us into the Staples Center, and our fake giraffe in a tuxedo looked as elegant as a real giraffe in a tuxedo. Unfortunately, what we did not know going into 2016 was that Jake is a very talented method actor, and had truly committed himself to his role, which involved swinging his neck at Meghan Trainor in an effort to establish dominance, as a real giraffe might do if confronted with Meghan Trainor. This, as Jake later explained once he was released from Grammys jail, is known as “necking.” Meghan did not appreciate the nuanced social commentary we were obviously making, and had us all, even Madeline, who actually just happened to be hosting the ceremony that year, removed and banned for life from the Grammy music awards. Ben Rudeen ’17 Chairman

Rachel Lackner ’17 Editor in Chief

So the editorial board of The Yale Record sat on the curb outside the Staples Center to reflect. We thought about the year that had only just begun: a year that would bring events somehow more bizarre than a dapper giraffe at an award show, though we didn’t know it at the time. What we did know, however, was that we ould get through 2016 and any subsequent year, with or without the Grammys. We could get through anything, as long as we were together. And in the end, the real winner of the 58th annual Grammy award for Best Pop Solo Performance…was friendship.

—R. Lackner Editor in Chief

Madeline Kaplan ’17 Online Editor in Chief

Chris Rudeen ’17 Publisher

Alex Ringlein ’18 Webmaster

Liz Kingsley ’19 Managing Editor

Alison Mansfield ’17 Lead Design Editor

Lane Unsworth ’19 Art Director

Vicky Liu ’19 Business Manager

Archie Kinnane ’18 Supplementals Editor

Matt Abuzalaf ’18 Managing Editor

Adam Lessing ’19 Design Editor

Brian Beitler ’18 Staff Director

Chasan Hall ’18 Video Director

Jake Houston ’19 Managing Editor

Nathan Ewing-Crystal ’19 Online Managing Editor

Daniel Hoogstraten ’17 Assistant Design Editor

Graham Ambrose ’18 Publicity Manager

Sam Savitz ’17 Director of Special Projects

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Noah Amsel Spencer Birney ’18 Emma Chanen ’19 Elliot Connors Amanda Corcoran ’18 Valcy Etienne ’16 Jackie Ferro ’17 Sonia Gadre Andrew Gamzon Max Goldberg ’17 Timur Guler ’18

Sahil Gupta ’17 Carina Hahn Sami Hakani Mikayla Harris ’17 Carter Helschien Alexander Hogan Susanqi Jiang ’19 Shea Ketsdever ’19 Katie Kidney ’19 Victoria Kim Mariah Kreutter

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Joseph Kuperschmidt ’17 Doo Lee Yanna Lee ’17 Yiqing Liu Roger Lopez ’18 Richard McCoy Andrew Megerian Rishi Mirchandan Isaac Morrier Veena Muraleeth Leila Murphy ’19

Elizabeth Olantunji Micah Osler Chloe Prendergast Noah Rae-Grant ‘18 Henry Robinson ’19 Jonathan Rutter ’18 Natalya Sanghvi ’18 Sahaj Sankaran Dylan Schifrin Harrison Schneider ’17 Justin Shi ’18

Eve Sneider ’19 Xavier Sottile ’19 Sarah Sukin ’18 Teddy Thum ’18 Rachel Treisman ’19 Alissa Wang ’19 Grace Wynter Ashton Winters Ellen Yang Alex Zhang ’18

Carlos Velez ’20 Fatima Abaroa ’20 Bernard Stanford ’17 Harrison Smith ’20 Nicole Eskow ’19 Megan McQueen ’20 Soham Sankaran ’17 Sebastián Kupchaunis ’19 Madeleine Hutchins ’19 Shunhe Wang ’20

Joshua Baize ’20

Special thanks to: Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” Cover by: Lane Unsworth ‘19 Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLV, No. 6, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2016 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

A MIDDLE SCHOOL HEALTH TEACHER TEACHES SEX-ED USING THE SONG “EVERY TIME WE TOUCH” I still hear your voice when you sleep next to me. That voice is telling you to go back to your own room and sleep alone. I still feel your touch in my dreams. Keep it in your pants until your wedding night, hotshot. Forgive me my weakness, but I don’t know why You do not have to ask your partner for forgiveness, only the Lord above. Make sure you are in the relationship for the right reasons. I only started dating my husband Richard because his father owned a Baskin Robbins. Without you it’s hard to survive. You know what else is hard to survive? HPV. ‘Cause every time we touch, I get this feeling. The feeling of consent. And every time we kiss, I swear I could fly. When you fly, you have to wear a seatbelt. When you kiss, you’d better be wearing a chastity belt. Can’t you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.

You are too young to worry about your sexual performance--last however long you like. I wish I could say the same for Richard. Need you by my side. If you’re starting to feel overly dependent on your partner, or pressured to have premarital sex, Rosemary Hill Middle School offers neonate couple counseling. ‘Cause every time we touch, I feel the static. I would discourage students from initiating relationships of any nature with patients of electrotherapy. Can’t you hear my heart beat so? I know sex-ed stimulates your young hormones. They sure do mine! I can’t let you go. Let go of the condom, champ. There’s a time and place for everything, and it’s called the night you get married. Want you in my life. You know what you should also want in your life? STI testing every six months, and before beginning a new relationship with each sexual partner. —V. Liu

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A VERY YALE MUSICAL In the Fall of 2016, to bolster flagging application numbers, the Yale Corporation commissioned a new musical admissions video. It was so horrifying that Mary Miller chewed off her own leg rather than watch it. The script was immediately buried deep beneath the Earth, and all knowledge of its existence erased, so that it would never again be read by human eye. Fortunately, Record reporter Sahaj Sankaran often spends time alone in dark basements, and found it. A Very Yale Musical An urban scene in NEW HAVEN. Dogs bark. Birds twitter. Students lounge around pretending to understand Plato. Two STUDENTS walk past, talking casually. SALOVEY Hi there! I’m Peter Salovey, President of Yale University, and I’m here to tell you all about Yale! You see... In New Haven there’s a college, a company of scholars A society of friends and mediocre footballers; From whichever country (or prep school) you hail Here’s some news: we have a place fooor youu... atttt...Yale! Backup dancers from ADAY enter stage left, and begin gyrating wildly. Oh, it’s a temple of tradition! (Excluding manumission) A place to learn, a place to grow, to heel and to petition! A place to sing, a place to write, a place to run and dance! (Though, to be honest, you’ll probably just end up in high finance.) And we promise STEM is vital and you’ll have all the support you need Why not hear it straight from students – is that a plot device I see? Student 1 enters, wearing a crudely-sellotaped pair of ‘G00gl3 Gl4ss’ and comically oversized braces. STUDENT 1 I...am the very model of a modern Yale STEM major! To fill the friendless void in me, on Physics I do labor. Astro’s got almost two telescopes, Math has gotten better – And CS now has at least three legit professors! It’s not like we are starved of all funding or publicity;

Why, just last week our research lab was hooked up to electricity! Engineering’s coming up – we’ve acquired a screwdriver; And hit upon new funding – we’ll sell our bodies for a fiver! I’m starved of human contact and talk to my p-sets; I would wager I am the very model of a modern Yale STEM majoFortunately, the script was too far corroded past this point to be legible. –S. Sankaran ANGSTY COLLEGE MIXTAPE “99 Problems and all of them are due at midnight” by Notso EZ “What Doesn’t Kill You (Is Still Sexually Transmittable)” by FrocoLoco “Nietzsche’s Not a Phase, Mom!” by Brittany and the Hedonists “Do You Mind” by Your Roommate “The Climb (Up Science Hill)” by FUN ft. Physix “Expensive Thrills” by Your Disappointed Mother “Broccoli (Is All I Eat)” by FRESH15 “We Don’t Talk Anymore” by That Guy You Met At Toad’s Who You Realized Too Late Is in Your Orgo Section “Everything’s Going to be Okay (Except it’s Not)” by Your Conscience –C. Velez ALL THE BEST NOTES, RANKED Middle C A Timely thank you notes C sharp Bank notes Mild, citrusy notes Lecture notes D flat Ransom notes –A. Lessing

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ALL THE BOYS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I TRIED TO IMPRESS BY PRETENDING TO LIKE THE BEATLES, RANKED

Back on the typewriter: The glorious sounds of mechanical clicks as they write out ironic limericks and fridge haikus

George H. - George, you were a character, that’s for sure. You had a super dreamy accent, and you would always be down to chat even if all I would ever talk about was how cool the Beatles looked standing in the middle of that road. But then you ended up going to the 8th grade dance with Jessica, who was like…too into horses. Fuck Jessica. And her horses.

Quasi semi half kinda wordplay: A new solo act, previously in the duo act pUNS. A one-man band that doesn’t use any instruments; just the striking sounds of nifty rhymes spoken quickly

Paul “Walrus” Mc. - I always knew the way to your heart was an ego boost. I knew that if I mentioned your “A” in Spanish, or complimented your highly successful international music career, you might refrain from openly sneering at me when I asked you to sign my uncle’s “White Album”. Ringo S. - Not gonna lie, I had to check who you were in the yearbook to make sure I had the name right. But I was really into the way you could pull off a dumbass name like Ringo. I used to stare longingly at you as you drummed on your desk in the middle of History class. You told me to “stay cool” on the last day of school, and I know you meant it because you got my “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” themed Valentine even though you had to play it cool in front of the other kids. The Ghost of John Lennon- I was as surprised as you were that the séance I held in the bathroom stall to summon you worked. You didn’t pay much attention to me as I tried to explain why “1s” is really the best Beatles album, as you were too busy panicking about the “unholy act” I had committed. Excuse me for “rending your soul from the nether plane,” John. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I knew that “Hello Goodbye” is in fact a Beatles song. —G. Wynter BANDS YOU *HAVE* TO LISTEN TO

Golden Bonobos: In three-piece suits worn over surprisingly realistic monkey costumes, these brilliant pioneers help to subvert capitalistic overtones, sampling the Wall Street stock market and the jungle

TTT: The better version of dynamite. TNT is overplayed and trite. TTT is purely the sound of explosions juxtaposed against the subtle ring of a triangle. 3.41592653589793238462643: You may have heard their single “Piece of cake”, but their repertoire is so much more well-rounded ctghKla: It’s pronounced Kafka, and this band matches his modernist brilliance. You will be left with a satisfying sense of complete and utter hopelessness after listening to them. The sounds of insects interspersed in their songs will haunt your dreams ÀÑÇÐÈÖĞ: This group really transforms sound, while accenting the contours of music C: You have to see them live. In fact, they don’t believe in recorded music, the only way to truly know their sound is to see their labored movements as they drag themselves across the stage. —V. Muraleetharan LESSER-KNOWN MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS

Thomas’s Flesh Drum Big Boy Bassoon Slippery Sax Questionably Racist Oriental Noise Machine Clarinet by Givenchy® Fuck Flute Exekiel’s Scream —J. Houston

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RAP GENIUS EXPLAINS FAMOUS NURSERY RHYMES “Do Your Ears Hang Low?” This well-known song celebrates the achievements of the Congress of Vienna (1814-5), which established a lasting peace between the major European powers after the chaos of the Napoleonic wars. Do your ears hang low? “Ears” is an anagram of “Ares”, the Greek god of war. As such, they symbolize the great armies of Europe, which, with the end of the war, are at rest (just “hanging low”). Do they wobble to and fro? The diplomats at the Congress of Vienna were guided by the principle of equilibrium, whereby no one nation would be powerful enough to threaten the peace as Napoleon had done. No matter how much things seemed to “wobble”, the balance of powers would always be restored. Can you tie ‘em in a knot? Can you tie ‘em in a bow? These lines reference the complicated network of alliances between nations that ensured stability. Can you throw them over your shoulder Like a continental soldier? In admitting France to the Congress and signing the agreement, the diplomats were putting past rivalries behind them, that is, “over their shoulders”. This line is also a reference to the Greek hero Deucalion, who throws rocks over his shoulder after the Great Flood to repeople the earth. Like Deucalion, the armies of the European continent hope for a new beginning. Do your ears hang low? “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” This nursery rhyme lays out major tenants of Puritan theology in a form simple enough for children to understand. The itsy bitsy spider This line is pulled straight from Jonathan Edwards’ famous sermon, “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God”: “God…holds you over the Pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome Insect, over the Fire.”

Climbed up the waterspout. Down came the rain These lines are unambiguous references to the Great Flood of Genesis ch. 6-9. And washed the spider out. In the flood, mankind was all but wiped out for its violence and wickedness. Out came the sun And dried up all the rain. After 40 days, “God remembered Noah…and the waters assuaged.” The “sun” is also a reference to Jesus Christ, the “son” of God, sent to cleanse humanity of its sins. So the itsy-bitsy spider Climbed up the spout again! In the light of Jesus, humanity can develop as God intended and ultimately, of course, “climb up” to the Kingdom of Heaven. —N. Amsel WHAT’S GOING ON? Hi, everyone. I’m Stacy’s mom, and I’ve got it going on. No, I’m not talking about this breezy summer dress I’m wearing, but thanks for noticing. No, I’m not talking about that guy I went on a few dates with – he’s just a little fun on the side. No, I’m not talking about my mandatory community service – that’s a long story, and I don’t really want to get into it. No, I’m not talking about my divorce proceedings – the lawyers are handling that, although I’m not sure how much longer they’ll give me consultation for free out of pity. No, I’m not talking about Stacy’s drug abuse – she’s a lost cause at this point. No, I’m not talking about global warming. I’m talking about shingles. Every year, more than 200,000 Americans contract this nuisance of a disease. Symptoms include rash, blisters on your torso, and excruciating pain. There are medications to treat it, but take it from me, you’d rather not have it going on at all. That’s why I asked my doctor about Zostavax® – the only FDA approved vaccine for shingles. I’m Stacy’s mom, and next time, I won’t have it going on.” Thanks Zostavax®! —N. Ewing-Crystal

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Writing/Design: Alex Hoganson

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In Heartwarming Attempt to Relate, Students Pretend to Like That One Song You Like BY SAHAJ SANKARAN STAFF REPORTER NEW HAVEN – In what is being described as a ‘preChristmas miracle’ (and, for the sake of inclusivity, post-Yom Kippur, pre-Samhain , and postThat Day We Kidnap Virgins to Prepare Them For Sacrifice,) a group of Yale students gathered today to pretend to like that one

song you always listen to. On the origins of this event, Charlie Smith DC ’17, said “We always see you listening to that song, and you just seem so happy, full of the joy that is absent at all those parties when we refuse to play that one song over the speakers. We just wanted to make you feel like it was something we shared.” Several sources claimed that no one could bear to watch, once

again, the crumbling hope in your eyes slowly evaporate, “like mist in the scorching summer,” when, to quote Smith, “We told you we didn’t like that f***** song.” So on a brisk winter morning, several charitable undergraduates gathered together, and approached you, knowing you would not fail to thrust your earphones into their ears and make them listen to it. Said Anne Freeman BK ‘19, “Suddenly, it felt like I

had purpose in life, you know? I listened to that awful racket, and as I did, I slowly began to smile – and it was just so rewarding, to see that satisfied, almost orgasmic look on your face, as I did all I could not to claw my own ears off in agony.” The music you listen to is objectively bad. Contact S. SANKARAN at join@yalerecord.com

OPINION

KINANE: Let’s Put This One To Bed -- Hunting Does Not Make You A Racist, Although On Second Thought I Might Not Be The Best Person To Make This Argument BY ARCHIE KINANE GUEST CONTRIBUTOR It seems like there is more hate in America today than at any time in recent memory. The right hates the left, the left hates the right, and, if you ask me, there isn’t a whole lot of “listening” or “empathizing” on either side. Because of this polarization, people have started to view certain character traits as “shortcuts” that can reveal someone’s entire worldview and beliefs. Oh, you are a bearded man wearing vans and a fedora? You must be a socialist hipster. Oh, you wear a crucifix around your neck? Hello, female-loathing-and-gay-

hating bigot! There is one particular association that especially irks me, and I’d like to put it to rest right here, right now. I’m talking about the ridiculous assertion that if someone hunts for sport, he or she is automatically a redneck racist. This is patently, mindnumbingly, and rage-inducingly false—not to mention insulting! I myself am a PROUD hunter, and while I, coincidentally, also happen to be a VOCAL racist, this isolated example says NOTHING about the larger population of hunters and their supposed propensity towards racism. It’s 2016, people. Being blonde doesn’t mean you’re dumb,

and hunting for sport doesn’t mean you’re a racist—my frequent characterizations of Obama as an “affirmative action President” notwithstanding. Yes, I’m a hunter, and yes, I routinely call Muslims “sand monkeys” and “Bin Ladens,” but there is no evidence that these two facets of my being are causally linked. So please, let’s quit it with these Facebook comments calling huntsmen “racist inbred trash” and “RepubliKKKans.” In actuality, most hunters are some of the sweetest, most kind-hearted folks you’ll ever meet. Not to mention, they are usually white!

Say it with me, people: Hunting. Does. Not. Make. You. Racist. I. Just. Unrelatedly. Happen. To. Be. Super. Racist. We can do better, and we need to do better. These harmful stereotypes divide us and fill our communities with hate. Until we make them things of the past, our society can never be truly great. And ladies and gentlemen, that, just like blacks having a special “aggression gene,” is a FACT.

Contact ARCHIE KINANE at join@yalerecord.com

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LIMITED TI ME ON LY: Yale Football Team members get 50% off haircuts – just mention our Instagram post!

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SONGS I THINK I CAN SING IN THE SHOWER

SONGS NOT TO PLAY TO THE GREAT GLOWING ORB IN YOUR LIVING ROOM

Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” yearround All eight minutes of “Bohemian Rhapsody,” including the guitar solo The entire Hamilton Soundtrack Both the male and female parts of “A Whole New World,” in the appropriate vocal ranges “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye (the shower isn’t the only thing steaming up the bathroom!) “What A Wonderful World,” in my best Louis Armstrong’s impression Beethoven’s Fifth All five parts of “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls The theme song to Friends, causing me to realize slowly that I don’t have any

When the Saints Go Marching In: This will come as an insult to The Orb, for the saints can march, yet the orb cannot. Anything with the note F#: This particular note will remind The Orb of its 1000 years of torment in the Twilight Realm. I Want to Hold Your Hand by The Beatles: The Orb has no limbs, nor the ability to experience this sentiment you call “love.” The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Theme Song: The Orb is a logical being and cannot comprehend how an establishment of anthropomorphic interspecies merriment could ever come to be. Ga’ahallak: Everyone knows this is a chant of worship for the foreboding essence of Triggva’alu, God of the Void. The Orb isn’t into that. Anything by the band The Orb: That’s cultural appropriation.

—F. Abaroa THE DAY IS SAVED! GUY WITH GUITAR WHO ONLY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY “WONDERWALL” IS AT THE PARTY

Last Saturday, a party in a Yale student’s on-campus dorm was saved from a night of boredom and sobriety by local hero John Walters, DC ’20. When “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé ended, the entire room was thrown into a frenzy as the hosts tried to figure out what song to play next. Thankfully, “Hero Guitar Boy John,” as he is known across the campus, was there to save the night. With a slightly demure, but clearly confident manner, he stepped forward holding a guitar with ‘LOVE IS ENDLESS’ etched into it. “Uh, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m kind of an expert.” Walters reportedly said to distract from the fact that he was clearly struggling with the strap. “Anyways, here’s ‘Wonderwall!’” With great care, Walters picked out each note slowly and surely, flipping his overgrown bangs across his face as he played. The watching crowd was so enamored by his musical prowess, they couldn’t help but take several couple shots before begrudgingly heading to Toad’s, claiming “what else would we do on a Saturday night?” With a few notes, he transformed the mood of the party. Way to go, John! —V. Muraleetharan

—D. Schifrin WAYS YOU CAN BECOME LIKE YEEZUS

Design a cover page for your thesis inspired by The Life of Pablo. The target aesthetic should be somewhere between “Microsoft Paint while tripping on acid” and “pure, unadulterated genius.” Refer to President Peter Salovey exclusively as “Saloveezy.” Stage a coup and become University President because “Saloveezy” just doesn’t ring quite right. Burn Taylor Swift in effigy. Or any other enemy of your choosing. Sometimes a passive-aggressive Twitter rant just isn’t flashy enough to get your point across. Once a week, stand up and remind everyone in your classes that they should be honored to be in the presence of the number one living and breathing artist of our generation. Your classmates will probably hate you for that last one. It’s okay, that’s where this advice comes in: Write a love poem to yourself. Make out with your reflection. Ignore the haters. Burn them in effigy. —E. Yang

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HAROLD BLOOM REVIEWS POPULAR MUSIC Hello – Adele Here we see a microcosm of middle-class yearning for salacious connection, the same cry for sensual abandon that Flaubert chronicles so masterfully in Madame Bovary. Yet, we see in the end the grinding of all that is good and warm into the dreary dust of ennui. For she is ever on the ‘other side.’ Her primal scream betrays her isolation – never again can she rejoin humanity. She is, forever, trapped as a faceless voice on an answering machine. Hotline Bling – Drake

HILLARY CLINTON’S CAMPAIGN MIXTAPE RELEASED! I Wanna Be One of the Boys Bill Left a Tear in my Heart Game of Crones America, Let Me Love You Girls Just Wanna Be President Don’t Let Me Down… Seriously Cheap Republicans I Can Be Relatable Too! Ft. the list of slang words I know* *the non-offensive ones DONALD TRUMP’S CAMPAIGN MIXTAPE RELEASED TOO!

This video is nothing less than a deconstruction of the evolution of man itself. See, there, how he stumbles as a man taking his first steps on dry land – see how he flops, then, like a fish not yet evolved with oxygencarrying lungs – see, here, how he sways, like a tree, like the bacteria that came together to form primitive humanity. Something as simple as the behavior of a woman has destroyed this man, reverting him to his base elements. This white box in which our hero finds himself represents the misery that encloses him as surely as a Venus Flytrap encloses an insect. It is a terrible thing, to watch a human soul die, an obvious homage to Kafka’s Metamorphosis.

Watch Me Whip America into Shape BOOOUUUrgeoisie I Built a Wall in Ibiza Ultrawhite Beam Wrecking Ball: an Autobiography Hotline Right Wing Spray Tan is the New Black R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Never Meant Nothing to Me

Shake it Off – Taylor Swift

Black and white and red all over Razzmatazz #0000ff Tickle me pink Whichever color someone with synesthesia would see when they listen to me list off all the colors Whichever color someone with synesthesia would see when they listen to me play Rhapsody in Blue after being explicitly told they weren’t allowed to say “blue” Either blue and black or gold and white, but not both, and there is a correct answer The color of the blood of a clarinet player who wouldn’t listen when I told him to stop playing the opening solo from Rhapsody in Blue

What is it, we must wonder, that she shakes off? The speaker claims she is content in the face of both ‘haters’ and ‘players’, but do her gyrations serve merely as a mask to disguise the essential loneliness of the individual? Can she ever ‘shake off ’ her humanity? Does she don the faceless grey leotard of cancerous conformity? Her constant smile covers a desperate plea for anyone, anyone, to understand her – and is met with silence, as was Meursault in Camus’ L’Etranger. I weep for Taylor. See You Again – Wiz Khalifa This song is dope. –S. Sankaran

–E. Olatunji OTHER COLORS IN WHICH A RHAPSODY CAN BE

–A. Ringlein

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I KNOW WHY THE GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS I am the guitar, and I know why I gently weep. However, despite this new life of clarity, I have so many questions. I do not know the conditions under which I came to be self-aware, nor the reason why I did. Am I alone in the universe? Is there some greater meaning to my existence? Whose idea was it to have the amplifier plug directly into my ass? I think that for all my unanswered questions, existential anxieties, and physical discomfort, this pervasive sadness boils down to one very clear explanation: that on the night of September 13, 1996, legendary rapper Tupac Shakur was tragically killed at the peak of his career. Don’t get me wrong; other things can hurt too, like the ass thing, or when someone turns one of those damn knobs on the side of my head. But what is that pain, really, when compared to the deep anguish of knowing that one of the brightest lights of the 20th century was unexpectedly snuffed out before its time? I wonder whether there even is a benevolent Guitar God when it seems he exists purely to torment us with such multi-talented musical geniuses, only to rip them away at the young, tender age of twenty-five in a drive-by shooting in Las Vegas, Nevada. It is truly the great tragedy of guitar-kind that I should have to live in a world where the rap game peaked in the ‘90s. And also that I lack the arms or legs to be able to move of my own free will. I long for the world that could have been, a world where Pac had released a follow-up to his timeless classic, “California Love.” The very thought leaves a hollowness in me— and one that has nothing to do with my acoustic resonant properties. –M. Abuzalaf LESSER-KNOWN CHRISTMAS CAROLS “We’re Already Late, Just Grab the Kid Some Myrrh” “Don’t Mention Aunt Jill’s Plastic Leg” “If You Find Presents in the Trash You Don’t Have To Pay For Them” “No One Agrees on Jesus’s Race” “You Can Use a Computer to Draw a Picture of Santa” “If Grandpa Only Gives Me a Twenty Again I’m Going to Flip My Shit” “It’s Not Technically Correct to Call Jesus a Magician, Although He Did Do Tricks” –J. Houston

IF COLUMBUS, OHIO WERE DESTROYED BY A MASSIVE TIDAL WAVE, I WOULD WANT ELTON JOHN TO SING “THE CIRCLE OF LIFE” DURING THE TRIBUTE CONCERT Let me start by saying that I in no way want it to happen. I love Columbus, from the Arena District to Harrison West. I’m just saying that if tragedy did strike and The Discovery City were ravaged by a massive inland tsunami, I definitely think that the people in charge of planning a tribute concert should at the very least consider Elton John as a performer. Furthermore, at said concert, he should definitely sing his popular song, “The Circle of Life,” from the classic Disney film The Lion King. Listen, I am the last person in the world who wants Columbus to be wiped from the face of the Earth. Really. I just think it is prudent to prepare for the worst. So, in the event that Mother Nature decides that Columbus, OH is not long for this world and sends a cataclysmic tidal wave, I think we should have a plan for what to do next. And that next step, I believe, is to invite Elton John to remind us lyrically that with death comes new life. I can hear my critics already: “Brian, isn’t that a near impossibility?” Yes, I concede that Elton John has a very busy schedule, but I’m sure that he would find some time to help the victims of this tragedy, were it to occur. Before ending, I want to emphasize again how much I don’t want the Fates to send a watery wall of destruction towards Columbus, Ohio. What would this nation be without the Jerome Schottenstein Center or Newport Music Hall? I’m just saying that if it were to happen, I think we would all feel a little better were Elton John to serenade us with the beautiful melody that reminds us that we can come back from this tragedy even stronger than before. Hey, maybe I’m just a glass half-full kind of guy. But I just think that were this glass to be knocked over, thereby decimating the great city of Columbus, we could come together and find a silver lining. –B. Beitler

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JAZZ TERMS, EXPLAINED Big Band n. A thick piece of cloth or ribbon that is used to tie off when using heroin, such as a guitar strap Horn n. Deriving from powder horn, a place where one stores heroin Watermelon Man n. Deriving from an antiquated slang term for narcotics, a heroin dealer Jazz Fusion n. A hybrid genre combining harmonic and improvisational elements from Jazz, rhythms and instrumentation from rock, and heroin from Afghanistan Trade Fours v. To exchange four grams of heroin for four of another mind-altering substance, such as Herbie Hancock cassette tapes Hip abbr. “Heroin Injection, Please!” Take Five v. To purchase five of something, as in, “Is that heroin? I’ll ‘Take Five.’” Comp v. Shortened form of “accompany”, as in “The pianist comped for the saxophonist while he soloed. Later on, he did heroin.” Chord Progression n. See heroin –N. Amsel OTHER THINGS OF JESSIE’S I WISH I HAD I wish that I had Jessie’s girl! But you know what else of Jessie’s I’m craving? I wish I had Jessie’s friendship. He basically stopped talking to me after I wrote that song about wanting his girlfriend to leave him for me. But I want Jessie’s money, too. He sued me for using his likeness in song without permission and took all my royalties. And while I’m at it, I’ll take Jessie’s white privilege, as well. It’s easy to get a girl when our culture’s idea of what makes someone “conventionally attractive” is rigged in your favor.

And while we’re on the subject, I wish my future were as bright as Jessie’s. Who wouldn’t want his job at the most prestigious lobbying firm in Washington, not to mention the pay that comes with it? It would make anyone incredibly attractive to potential romantic partners. And I wish I had the same drive to better myself as he has. Jessie has super beefy arms because he exercises constantly. And those eyes that are bluer than the midday sky... Actually, you know what, I see what’s going on. Please come back, Jessie. I wish I had you. –J. Baize OTHER USES FOR YOUR PERFECT PITCH Perfectly pitching a tent Suffering silently when everyone sings “Happy Birthday” in an unholy conglomeration of keys “Two Truths and a Lie” material “One Truth and No Lies” material “Something to tell people as fuel for your boundless superiority complex” material Perfectly pitching some fastballs Calmly informing the bird outside your window that his song was in E Major today, but D Major yesterday. Which key is it, Mr. Bird? Which fucking key? Perfectly pitching an idea for a Record article called “Other Uses for Your Perfect Pitch” –D. Schifrin POINT: THE SONG “HALLELUJAH” IS AN AURAL TREASURE Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” is one of the most hauntingly, enduringly beautiful songs of the 20th century. Cohen’s lyrics blend themes of faith and spirituality with a persistent, tangible sense of human sexuality. The complexity presented has translated well into a number of vastly different cover versions. From the gravel and gospel of Cohen’s 1984 original to the transcendent, melancholic loveliness of Jeff Buckley’s iconic 1994 interpretation, it is a song that truly deserves its place among the classics.

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COUNTERPOINT: THE SHREK VERSION OF “HALLELUJAH” IS GOD’S ONE TRUE GIFT TO MAN You’ve never really listened to “Hallelujah” until you’ve listened to the version from the 2001 animated adventurecomedy Shrek. I think it’s beautiful how this song really expresses the pain and loneliness Shrek and Fiona feel when Fiona is about to marry Lord Farquaad, who is clearly totally wrong for her. There’s that one part where the song is like “I used to live alone before I knew you,” and then it fades from Shrek alone in his swamp house to Fiona trying on her wedding dress, and the song is all like “love is not a victory march,” and it’s like, wow, Fiona really doesn’t want to marry Lord Farquaad. Furthermore, the melody is just so complex and has so many layers, like an onion. Or…like an ogre. –M. Kreutter REJECTED DRAFTS OF ADELE’S “HELLO” Hello...it’s me... I was wondering if you might like to get a meal with me... Editor’s Note: I love the beginning, Ad, but the second line seems a tad casual for your usual style, and it seems like your heart isn’t really in it. Give it another go! Hello...it’s me... I was wondering if you might like to insure with Liberty... Editor’s Note: Adele, while I appreciate that you wish to expand into the advertising industry, I’m not certain direct product placement is the answer. Hello...it’s me... I’m in front of BofA with a ski-mask and an M16. I hear Beverly Hill’s got a mansion to sell If I could nab a couple million, well that would be just swell. Editor’s Note: JESUS CHRIST, Adele! Please tell me this is just a publicity stunt. Hello...it’s me... Put the money in this garbage bag, cause this is a robbery... Editor’s Note: ADELE LAURIE BLUE ADKINS THE POLICE HAVE SNIPERS AROUND THE BUILDING. PLEASE, GIVE YOURSELF UP, AND WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS WITH AN AUTOGRAPH AND COMMUNITY SERVICE.

Hello from the other side! I hope the cops don’t shoot my ride! Editor’s Note: ADELE ADKINS DON’T YOU DARE CROSS THAT BORDER – OH MY GOD DO YOU EVER LISTEN. That’s it, I quit. I hear Ke$ha has an opening. I’m legally obligated to ask you to never contact me again or I may be charged as an accessory. You’re rolling too deep on this one, Adele. –S. Sankaran SONGS FROM MUSICALS ABOUT OTHER FOUNDING FATHERS “I Can’t Wait to Be Famous” and “I Can’t Wait to Be Famous (reprise)” as sung by Charles Pinckney in Tickled Pinck. These two renditions of the same song, the first bursting with boyish exuberance and the second hanging heavy with disappointment, are central to the ark of the oft forgotten Tickled Pinck. During its short run, critics praised the nuanced manner in which the emotions were brought to life by the lead, Lincoln Chafee, in his Broadway debut. “A Necessary and Proper Beating on Your Ass” and “Hail to the Chief Justice (Or Else)” by John Marshall in Court Marshall This heavy metal musical features Arnold Schwarzenegger’s commanding appearance as America’s toughest Chief Justice. Schwarzenegger’s performance has inspired critics to write quips like, “He threatened to punch me in the face if I didn’t give him five stars.” A can’t-miss! “How About We Keep This Just Between You and Me, Honeybunch” as sung by Thomas Jefferson in Sally and Jeff As Jefferson tries to manage his relationship with his mistress through song, he finds himself confronting uncomfortable truths about himself, which, to the audience, are all too self-evident. “Actually, I’m Not a Brewer” in Samuel Adams, Maltster Look it up, dipshit. –B. Stanford

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VANDALISM AND INSURRECTION ON CAMPUS LINKED TO CONTROVERSIAL “LIBERTY, EQUALITY” FRATERNITY Dear Student, I love how your personal essay starts in a dance studio, but the end could be greatly improved with a frame narrative. Could you possibly go dancing before the due date? —ENGL 120 Professor

YALE STUDENTS FROM CALIFORNIA CONFUSED BY WATER FALLING FROM THE SKY

Dear everyone I said I’d get coffee with, Can we reschedule? Sincerely, You knew this day would come

“SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL IS A LOT EASIER FROM OUTSIDE THE BARREL,” SCREAMS MAN BEING GNAWED TO DEATH BY PIRANHAS Dear Determination, How come you’re so important to success? Love, An old potato

“HE SAID THE INTERVIEW WAS GOING TO BE A PIECE OF CAKE,” SAYS MOURNER AT A FUNERAL. “TOO BAD HE WAS DIABETIC.” To: target_manager@target.com Re: Please stop using our parking lot to practice your archery. Maybe you should’ve thought about that when you made your logo a goddamn BULLSEYE

YALE SENIOR DOESN’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT A CAPPELLA IS

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“HE’S BEATING A DEAD HORSE,” SAYS MAN REFERRING TO FRIEND WHO IS CONTINUING A PARTICULAR ENDEAVOUR THAT IS A WASTE OF TIME AS THE OUTCOME IS ALREADY DECIDED Dear Maria, Congrats on your acceptance! Opportunity awaits! —Yale Dear Maria, Sorry, but this seminar is full. Try again next year! —Professor T Dear Maria, There was a lot of talent this year and unfortunately, we don’t have space for you. —A capella group Dear Maria, The position has been filled. —Hiring Manager Dear Yale, Fuck you.

—Maria

‘YOU’RE BEATING A DEAD HORSE HERE,’ SAYS MAN TO FRIEND ENGAGED IN EQUINE NECROPHILIA.

YALE UNIVERSITY

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JUDAIC STUDIES Spring 2017 Course Offerings ANCIENT JDST 235 Introduction to Judaism In The Ancient World, Steven Fraade MW 11.35-12.50 JDST 256 Dead Sea Scrolls – Damascus Document, Steven Fraade Th 9.25-11.15 MEDIEVAL & EARLY MODERN JDST 265 Jews In Muslim Lands 7th-16th Century, Ivan Marcus TTh 11.35-12.50 MODERN JDST 201 Intro Modern Jewish History, David Sorkin MW 1.30-2.20 JDST 217 Hegel’s Phenomenology, Paul Franks Th 9.25-11.15 JDST 293 Introduction to Modern Jewish Thought, Elli Stern MW 2.30-3.20 JDST 352 Antisemitism, Causes & History, Shaun Halper T 4.00-5.50 JDST 356 Jewish Literary Masterpieces, Hannan Hever T 3.30-5.20 JDST 357 Diaspora and Identity, Igor De Souza T 3.30-5.20 LITERATURE & LANGUAGE JDST 305 Contemporary Israeli Society in Film, Shiri Goren TTh 2.30-3.45 JDST 316 Practice Of Literary Translation, Peter Cole TTh 1.00-2.15 JDST 319 Israel in Ideology & Practice, Dina Roginsky MW 1.00-2.15 JDST 323 State and Society in Israel, Dina Roginsky TTh 1.00-2.15 JDST 325 Literature of Blacks & Jews 20th in Century, A. Marc Caplan Th 1.30-3.20 JDST 341 Jewish American Poetry, Peter Cole W 1.30-3.20 JDST 353 Literature at the Limit, Hannan Hever & Robyn Creswell Th 3:30-5:20 JDST 418 Reading Yiddish II, Joshua Price W 1.30-3.20 _____________________________________________________________

Program in Judaic Studies Yale University 451 College St., Rm. 301 New Haven, CT 06511 Tel – (203)432-0843, Fax – (203)432-4889 www.judaicstudies.yale.edu Please note that information on courses, including meeting days and times, is subject to revision. Students should check the on-line course information for the fullest and most accurate information

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