The Sexuality Issue

Vol. 140, No. 2

The Yale

September 28, 2011

Record The Sexuality Issue

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MARVIN GAY Dear Gollum, Okay, I appreciate that we have to climb up this mountain, and that you should lead the way because you know where we’re going, but seriously, can you pin the front and back of your loincloth together or something?

I’m seeing a bit too much of “your precious,” if you know what I’m saying.

—Sam Dear nunchucks, Shit. I heard that you would make an excellent weapon for defending my church, but I really should have looked up exactly what you were before making any assumptions. Now that I’ve hurled all the Sisters out the stained glass windows, it’s probably going to be even harder to stop the barbarians from torching this place.

Contritely, Father John

Me dear poppet, Wen I ’eard tell yer were gonna commit matricide, right, I fought it meant yer were gonna damage yor mattress from all the bloomin’ crazy sex yer’ve been ’avin’! Blimey! And now I’m dead. That’ll bloody well teach me.

Luv, The mother of Sidney Harry Fox, a British man hanged in 1930 for murdering his mother to collect on insurance

HURRICANE IRENE PROVES YALE BUBBLE IMPERVIOUS EVEN TO NATURAL DISASTERS Dear HAL, What do you mean, “Sorry, Dave, I can’t do that”? SHOW ME THE DAMN PORN!!!

—Dave

CONNECT FOUR CHANGES AD CATCHPHRASE FROM “PRETTY SNEAKY, SIS,” TO “PRETTY SNEAKY, YOU CONNIVING BITCH” Dear viewers, Butterfly in the sky I can get twice as high just take a drag along you tag with me to Reading Rainbow.

—LeVar Burton smoking a reefer Dear Yale Record, I write to you because I wish that I were used more often. I feel that, if only I were seen a little more often, I would be more popular. But right now, people ignore me as if I weren’t even there!

—The English subjunctive

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Dear Harold Bloom, In honor of your unwavering commitment to making Yale’s women feel uncomfortable and unsafe, we’d like to extend to you this honorary membership.

—DKE

HUEY DEFEATS LOUIE, LOUIE DEFEATS DEWEY, DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN Dear Dana, You promised at the end of last year that we’d be together this fall, and that you wouldn’t forget me over the summer. You said you’d think about me even during your internship and your time abroad, and that you would make sure you would have time for me this semester. But now that school has started again, you’re suddenly saying you’re not ready, and that the timing is bad, and that maybe we should try again in the spring. What happened? I really thought everything was going so well.

Heartbroken, Your senior thesis Dear Doctor Who, So you got your good ratings by being a show about a guy that travels through time and space and helps people. I bet I can use that same basic concept and get even better ratings.

—Trixie Turnblad’s Time-Traveling Titties

SOMALIANS CELEBRATE “TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY” BY GOING ABOUT DAILY LIVES AS USUAL

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Well-fed man seeks selfactualization.

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Dear Japan, If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Unless you live in Hiroshima or Nagasaki. Then you should probably leave town.

—Harry S Truman Dear Dr. Griffith, Dying, am I? Screw that! Inject some more toxins in me and I’ll be as good as new!

—Joan Rivers

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n an autumn night many months ago, the Record editorial board was ensconced in our cozy Crown Street office when we heard a sharp rap on the door. Upon opening the door though, we found no one there, save for a small bundle of blankets curled up on the doorstep. Our intrepid Chairman picked up the bundle and we crowded around it, eager to see what was within.

Imagine our surprise when our gazes lit upon—a baby!

A flurry of discussion immediately arose. What were we to do with the babe? Some suggested calling Social Services, while others wanted to leave the infant alone.

For a while, the tide was turning in favor of frying the child lightly on each side until golden, until an astute Managing Editor realized that that gruesome suggestion had come, not from the Publicity Manager, but from the gremlins inhabiting the neighboring Yale Angler’s Journal office.

Finally, we decided we would care for the child until we could settle on a long term plan that didn’t involve our being responsible adults. But this decision soon hit a snag, for we discovered that none of us was able to discern the gender of the baby. There was much consultation of the genitalia present in the room, yet the child’s organs, resembling as they did both male and female equipment, remained a mystery.

The Yale Record

After another round of arguments, our Publisher made a bold and unusual proposal. Having read a news article on a Toronto couple that was raising its child without disclosing its gender, he proposed that we do the same. The suggestion, although outlandish, was immediately accepted by the rest of us, partially because no one could think of a better alternative, but mostly because we’d all been drinking beforehand and everything seemed like a great idea at the moment.

The Toronto couple had named their baby “Storm,” but through a complex secret ballot and thumb wrestling point system, we settled on the equally neutral “Madonnastotle,” a combination of the names of the male and female role models we most admired. But the disputes didn’t stop with the naming of our baby. We soon found ourselves wrestling with issues of gender, sexuality, and who would be responsible for producing the breast milk. How would society treat young Madonnastotle? Would he/she ever find love? How would he/she conceive of his/her own sexual identity?

Did using the term “he/she” sound toolish?

These discussions came to a head when our Design Editor and our Online Editor locked horns about whether or not the latter could take baby Madonnastotle to the park to help pick up chicks. Our Design Editor insisted that involving Madonnastotle in such a stereotypical male heterosexual activity would collapse

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the delicate bubble of gender and sex neutrality we had carefully shaped around the infant. Our Online Editor, though, insisted that Madonnastotle couldn’t live that way forever and would eventually have to decide on a gender and sexual identity.

It was at that moment, just when all of us had begun to sweat around our collars and wish we had taken a WGSS class, that our ever street-smart Art Director showed up dangling Madonnastotle by the foot. “You guys,” he began, rolling his eyes. “You’ve all just been hammered this entire time. I came in and found all of you screaming at each other, with this Cabbage Patch Kid tossed in the corner. What the hell.”

It was true. We all looked around sheepishly, cured of our inebriation.

We eventually gave Madonnastotle a dignified burial (okay, okay, we stuffed him/her in the Farnam B condom bag), but we decided to memorialize the quandaries we had faced with this Sexuality Issue. Few of us will forget Madonnastotle and the burst of creative penis jokes that resulted from our time together. But still, I beg of you, if you ever see any member of the Record editorial board with a real baby, sexless or not, for the love of God alert the nearest adult or talking dog.

—D. Zhu The Yale Record September 2011

Chairman: David Kemper ’13

Editor-in-Chief: Dana Zhu ’12 Publisher: Jerry Wang ’13 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Alli Hugi ’13, Lincoln Sedlacek ’13, Michelle Taylor ’13 Art Director: Paul Robalino ’12 Online Editor: Jack Newsham ’14 Publicity Manager: Daniel Fraser II ’14

Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ’14, Matthew Dernbach ’13, Ben Green ’14, Andrew Kahn ’14, Yoonjoo Lee ’12, Sofia Nicholson ’14, Emily Sandford ’14, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Catherine White ’13 Contributing Writers & Artists: Madeleine Henry ’14, Spencer Katz ’13, Tiffany Pang ’12, Andrew Sobotka ’15, Clinton Wang ’15, Sylvia Zhang ’15 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and socks hung on doorknobs Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Yoonjoo Lee, who also illustrated the Kama Sutra Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXL, No. 2, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2011 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, AND THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE You guys wanna know what sex is like? Well, I can tell you. I can tell you, because I have definitely had sex.

A LOT of sex. Yeah.

So, sex. Sex is…amazing. It feels amazing. Like masturbating, only better. The first part of sex is, uh, the beginning, and it’s my favorite part, because it means we still have all that sex to do. We start by getting naked.

I always help her take off her clothes, which is kind of difficult, if you think about it, because everything’s backwards from my perspective. Plus I’m usually distracted by her lingerie, which is SUPER sexy. It has, like, lace and stuff. Then she helps me take off my clothes, in a fast/slow kind of way. She looks really good naked.

She’s got these boobs that are like, you know, right where they are supposed to be. And they feel really good, like lots of skin in one place, like a butt. When we start kissing (still naked), she asks me sexy questions, like: “What is your favorite sexual position?” and “Remember last time we had sex? It was so sexy.” And I tell her other sexy things like, “Yeah, and I’m gonna sex you up again,” and “Hey babe, you ready for my sex?”

Then we start, you know, the middle part. We’re usually super sweaty by that time, because it’s been an hour. The middle is my second-favorite part of sex, because I just feel so horny. It’s when all the action goes

down, you know. The part where I put my, uh, thing, in her, uh, holder. We like to do this a lot, because that’s what sex is, and it feels really awesome. My girlfriend is really good at sex; she got like an A- in her biology class, and she knows all the parts of the male body, like the penis and the balls. Of course, I’m also really good at sex. I know because she told me I am, and it makes sense, because I’ve had a lot of practice masturbating, and I saw an NC-17 movie once by accident.

Anyway, after the middle part comes the end part, when we both have orgasms at the same time. Orgasms also feel amazing. They’re pretty hard to describe to someone who’s never had one before, but I guess I would say they’re like the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure, and experienced by males and females. Yeah, that’s about right. After, when she is helping me put my clothes back on, and I am helping her put on her clothes, we like to talk about all the porn we watched that week. And then we like to talk about the sex that we’ve had in the past, all of that sex. We’ve had a lot of sex, so that always takes a while. Then she bikes back to her house, but I know she’ll be back, because we’re dating, and girls like to have sex, especially my girlfriend, probably because I’m so good at it.

Oh yeah and I wore a condom. −M. Henry

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OBSCURE SEXUAL FETISHES

We hear about so many sexual fetishes every day that it can be hard to keep track of them all. There are vampirephiles who are aroused by the idea of sex with vampires, furries that dress up like animals for intercourse, and even Ray Romano, who derives pleasure from arguing with his wife in a nasally voice. Even though these fetishes are relatively uncommon, they’re pretty well-known. But what about some of the more obscure sexual fetishes?

Things like…

Sexual Fetish

Explanation

Formophilia

Where do you like it? In bed, or do you like to get a little crazier? Maybe on the floor? Or in the bathtub? Well, if you have a form fetish, it doesn’t matter where you do it, as long as you fill out paperwork afterward, stating the location, participants, duration, and position of your coital experience.

Condom Enlightenment

Everyone should know that their condoms are safe, but people who practice condom enlightenment know all too well. These people are aroused by reading the information on their condom packages—often aloud—during sex. It’s 98% effective!

Freeze Fetish

Do you get hardcore? Do you have the kind of sex that everyone else in your suite can’t help but hear? Not if you have a freeze fetish—a desire for your intercourse to be as motionless as possible.

Pixarphilia

Have you ever asked your partner to call you “Elastigirl” or “Mr. Incredible”? Or have you ever played a game where you tried to find his “Nemo”? Then you may have Pixarphilia, a sexual fetish in which all of the movies made by Pixar get you “Up.”

Muppies

People who are furries like dressing up as animals. Muppies, on the other hand, enjoy dressing up as Muppets, suiting up like Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy or even—for more hardcore couples—Animal.

Muppet Role-Playing

About .05% of the world’s population are Muppies, and of those, almost half enjoy Muppet Role-Playing. These people might try to seduce their potential lovers by singing “Rainbow Connection,” and intercourse usually ends with a partner’s “Beaker” blowing its top, or a partner achieving climax both physically and verbally with a “wakka-wakka-WAKKA-WAKKAWAKKA!!!”

Blue Moon Eroticism

This may sound exotic, but people with Blue Moon Eroticism only enjoy having sex during months that contain two full moons. So you’d better hope some orbital anomaly causes an unprecedented frequency of blue moons, or you’re going to start suffering from some other blue “orbs,” if you know what I mean!

Havisham Arousal

People who have a sexual fetish known as Havisham Arousal are obsessed with the conditions of their sexual activities being exactly the same as the first time they consummated their marriage. Such people commonly put on their wedding dress before throwing it off again, set the clocks back to the time at which sexual contact was first initiated, and keep the Honeymoon Suite of the hotel they stayed at on permanent reserve. −L. Sedlacek

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SEX ACTS YOU WOULD EXPECT TO FIND ON URBAN DICTIONARY, BUT HAVEN’T… YET The Tallahassee Bowtie The Jungle Gym The Speedy Hedgehog The Greasy Gladiator The Spicy Mustard Surprise The Bagel and Cream Cheese The Caramel deLite The Jamaican Conga Line The Fluttering Moth The John-Jacob-Jingleheimer-Schmidt −B. Green

WORST WAYS TO BEGIN A SEX TALK “So I see you’re pregnant…”

“Son, I need you to tell me about sex.”

“Why don’t you just ask Jeeves?”

“Let me get the magazines out from under my bed.”

“It’s sort of like the Hokey-Pokey.”

“Open the fridge and get out the cucumbers.”

“Four score and seven years ago…”

“Now that you’re three years old…”

“Now that you’re thirty-three years old…”

“Hang on, let me run to the costume closet.”

“Son, as you may have noticed, you have a penis.”

“Ask your dad, I hate talking about work.”

“Well, most of your urges will send you straight to Hell…”

“Son, your girlfriend told me you’re having trouble…”

“I’d like to deliver this message in the form of a song.” −Staff

−C. White

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WHAT AMERICA NEEDS TO BE A TRUE EMPIRE If you were asked who would win in a cagefight, ancient Rome or America, I bet you’d answer Rome. I sure as hell would. But why? The United States of America is the greatest country that has ever existed! Sean Hannity has said so, and nobody questions him! America surpasses Rome on every level...we have more military might, more influence, and, most importantly, reality TV. But when it all boils down to the things that really matter—who can kill their opponent first in a caged fight to the death—you know Rome would have America in an excruciating, balltwisting wedgie in seconds. And why is that? What is the trump card that Rome holds? How come Desperate Housewives of New Jersey can’t stop them from making our bottoms so awfully, awfully uncomfortable? Simple: orgies.

America may have Sean Hannity, Gossip Girl and sliced bread (not to mention plumbing, sewage and real democracy), but its reluctance to let go of the monogamous relationship structure is preventing it from becoming an empire truly comparable to Rome. I know what you must be thinking: how can orgies contribute more to a society than sliced bread? Well, first of all, if you’re asking that question at all, you should stop being such a prude and partake in one; believe me, you will never again question the dominance of orgies over sliced bread after trying both of them (preferably simultaneously).

But until you are lucky enough to be a member of a sliced-bread-fueled orgy, let the facts speak for themselves: orgies empower people to invade surrounding city-states, effectively govern a vast and expanding empire, and build really tall marble phalluses—I mean, pillars. None of this would have happened if the citizens of Rome were not constantly surrounded by large groups of sweaty strangers in coitus. As I keep telling the New Haven Board of Educators, there’s really nothing like a healthy orgy culture to instill ambition into a population. The Romans were always thinking about how to become members of the most prestigious sex cults. It was vital to their success.

America’s attachment to sexual monogamy is detrimental to her national work ethic! As soon as a couple ties the knot, they have nothing to live for; they can gain weight, dress in sweatpants, and fart in public without a care. The Romans had no such luxury; the laziness we associate with marriage just wasn’t an option when you weren’t just trying to get your spouse to sleep with you, but also six to twenty other svelte, rugged Romans.

So, America, you know what you have to do. The vaunted title of empire is just a few pelvic thrusts away.

Right now, our country is merely an empire’s embarrassing, sliced-bread-eating half-brother, sitting on the couch farting in his unwashed sweatpants. So take off your wedding ring, call up your neighbors, and watch a couple episodes of HBO’s Rome or Sean Hannity for, um, “inspiration.” If we as Americans can join together in frenzied mass coitus, I know that we can overcome the unsexed rest of the world.

Before we know it, Stephen Harper will be surrendering the Maple Leaf army to our glorious orgy-powered forces. −A. Hugi

Frank just wasn’t the same after the doctors removed his left nut. −S. Katz

EXCUSES FOR REMAINING A VIRGIN You’re in DS You’re a teetotaler You’re allergic to both latex and rubber You’re trying to get a 4.0 You go to Harvard You both have roommates who can’t take hints You’re a Mathematics major You’re both a beggar AND a chooser You’re not on the Yale Record −J. Newsham

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Objective A challenging and rewarding position as a banana trader to complement my previous training as a former private equity analyst at Banana Republic.

Willing to Relocate

HI, FL, subtropical areas that grow elongated fruits Education 2004 – 2008

Harvard University, Cambridge, MA Bachelor of Science in Evolutionary Biology; Bachelor of Arts in Art (concentration in fecal

art)

GPA: 3.14/4.00 Awards/Honors: First Generation Panina Award, Hairiest On Campus, Best Bed Bug

Remover, Rhodes Scholar

Extracurriculars: Tree-Climbing Club, Undergraduate Admissions Council, Ballroom

Dancing 2000-2004

Coastal Forest High School, Tanzania GPA: 3.67/4.00 Awards/Honors: Loudest Screecher, Best Mate, Most Likely to Succeed Extracurriculars: Kin Recognition, Grooming Club, Anti-Lice Regents, Hall Monitor

Work Experience Aug. 2007 – Feb. 2011 Banana Republic, Private Equity Analyst Assisted in the merging of Banana Republic and banana republics. This merger occurred

after a series of lawsuits over the misleading nature of Banana Republic’s name,

which implies that the store sells bananas, when in fact it does not.

Reason for leaving: Fired because most of these lawsuits were brought forward by me.

Jan. 2004 – May 2006 Chiquita, Marketing Department Developed commercial advertisements for Chiquita, including the “Going Bananas for

Bananas!” commercial series aired during the 2005 Superbowl.

Reason for leaving: Fired following complaints from janitorial staff about improper

bathroom use.

Sept. 1997 – July 2003 New York City Primate Research Center, Research Participant Participated in experiments in which subjects rated a variety of banana brands based on

flavor, ripeness, and ability to be squirted comically into researchers’ faces.

Reason for leaving: Fired for racist comments made to fellow research participant, Abu. Skills and Qualifications Can stand upright, able to type 340 WPM due to presence of 16 fingers, 4 opposable thumbs and a tail, enjoys banananology.

References Dr. Jane Goodall Mentor and long-time caretaker 4245 North Fairfax Drive Arlington, VA 22203

By T. Pang

Yale University To the Yale Greek community: The Yale University Sanctioning Under-Committee (YUSUC) of the Sexual Assault Grievance Board officially censured the Yale chapter of Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity yesterday. For the present, no punishment will be assessed. If Yale University loses its federal funding because of the Title IX complaint, however, the men of DKE will be responsible for the $500 million per year that makes Yale a “research university.” Payment in marijuana, grain liquor, and/or kegs will not be accepted.

For the present, YUSUC has decided to apply the same guidelines for safe and non-offensive initiations that we have issued to the leadership of DKE, to all of the fraternities and sororities at Yale.

1. While mentions of, allusions to, or thoughts about sex are no longer permitted, the Committee does encourage pledges to partake in readings from the songs of Solomon, sensual Petrarchian sonnets, and Dean Gentry’s wedding vows.

2. Objectification of all students except James Franco is strictly forbidden. Oh, and also that sultry European PhD student who frequents Bass Café. Call me.

3. As a measure of respect towards any future a-, non-, or under-sexual students seeking to rush a fraternity or sorority, no test or requirement of “sexual success” is to be levied. Alternate suggestions include pursuit of a platonic dinner with someone of whom your mother would approve or a bracket tournament of competitive Jenga.

4. As a reminder, chugging, shotgunning, funneling, and/or intravenous injection of beer, malt liquor, spirits, and soy sauce in public areas are prohibited, and the Yale Police Department reserves the right to get you some water and shoo you indoors.

The members of YUSUC hope that you appreciate our suggestions and that you abide by these regulations. Please keep initiations civil and respectful.

W. Marichal Gentry W. Marichal Gentry YUSUC Chair

Written by J. Newsham Designed by C. Wang

Rejected Porn Films

RACKS ON Racks on Racks

Starring: Kanye Breast, Jiz-Z, Otis Bedding Plot: Rap-star doppelgangers bang buxom beauties on Maybachs on ‘bachs on ‘bachs.

Hardcore porno—um, that is, indie–rap musical destined for Grammy greatness.

Soundtrack: Gregorian Chants: The Best of

the Benedictine Monks of St. Michael’s

Redeeming Quality: Beyoncé’s single again!

Reason for Rejection: Multiple viewers in the test audience called the Otis Redding cameo “too soon.”

Written by A. Sobotka Designed by S. Shea

That’s Really Why I Chose Yale Starring: James Franco (actually though), Sam Tsuitcheeks, the Guild of Carillonneurs Plot: A compilation of James Franco’s movie sex scenes mixed in with footage of his raunchy rendezvous in prominent Yale locations, including Harkness Tower, Commons, and Alpha Delta Pizza (you’ll never look at the Wenzel the same way again). Did we mention James Franco?

Soundtrack: The Whiffenpoofs’ Greatest

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, overeager and undersexed Harvard students Plot: Everybody’s least favorite Internet entrepreneur travels back in time to actually get laid in college. It’s OK, Mark— we wouldn’t touch those Harvard women either!

Soundtrack: Kidz Bop 8

Hits

Redeeming Quality: More proof that Harvard sucks.

Redeeming Quality: James. Franco.

Reason for Rejection: Fear of more Title IX allegations.

Reason for Rejection: 75% of people invited to the Facebook event responded “not attending.”

BiCurious George Starring: Jack Kielbasa, Javier Cucumber, Nikki Tittles Plot: A young monkey explores his sexuality in this groundbreaking animated feature.

He journeys through the jungle, aided in his search for his true self by his friend with benefits, Ted, and has a series of titillating encounters with affable new acquaintances.

Soundtrack: The Black Eyed Peas’ Monkey

The StaXXX Starring: Members of the Porn n’ Chicken Club at Yale University Plot: This is a real thing. Seriously.

Soundtrack: SERIOUSLY–if the YDN says it’s true, it must be.

Business

Redeeming Quality: It exists.

Redeeming Quality: Something for everyone!

Reason for Rejection: Apparently bestiality isn’t OK even when it’s animated.

Reason for Rejection: Google is indeed both a blessing and a curse.

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Pansexual Porn

− Y. Lee

−A. Hugi

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A LETTER FROM A CONTRITE EIGHTEENTH CENTURY FLIRT Dearest Edmund, My family has impressed upon me the need to extend my sincerest apologies to you on the subject of my behavior as of late. I really am quite sorry, especially as I recently discovered that you asked my father for his permission to take my hand in marriage. I wholeheartedly accept your proposal, and consider this my chance to put down in words all the ways I shall change my behavior to make myself worthy of your undying love.

Firstly, I will never, ever go outside without my parasol. To remedy my past indiscretions on this subject, my father has purchased for me a new tonic of chalk and other natural substances which will help me regain my formerly alabaster skin tone. By our wedding night, I assure you that I will be as pale as the dress I shall wear, not to mention as pure as my good soul and spotless virtue.

Furthermore, I will only flash my ankles within the four concealing and trustful walls of our bedchamber. I wouldn’t want your dear old mother having a heart attack, as she appeared to when I raised my skirt a little too far while dancing the waltz the other night at your good friend’s day of birth celebration. Or at the very least, I will restrict my public ankle flashing to just you, my love, and only under the table where your lady mother cannot see us.

I am also working quite diligently on my lines of conversation. I will not ever open my mouth without first dwelling very deeply and thoughtfully on whether I should really speak or not – and of course the answer to this quandary shall most often be “no” as I am a lady of good taste and graceful manner. As a consequence of this, no lewd jokes, such as the one I told the other night about the Pope and the damsel, shall pass my lips again, though I do wish to applaud you for playing along and laughing at it.

Also, like any proper lady should, I am doing my best to master my French grammar by the eve of the wedding.

Last week, I was disheartened to discover that all the learning that my tutor gave me was for naught, for he only taught me the basest of words on a salacious dare with his compatriot. I shall be sure to never even think of these scandalous words again, and I beg you to forget that I ever mentioned them while we were supping at the winter ball last month, though I must say your reaction seemed quite encouraging at the time.

In the course of writing this letter, I have just now realized the egregious errors I made in my appearance last Tuesday night when I called on you. I should have meticulously inspected every aspect of my visage with a gentlewoman’s eye before going over to your manor-home.

However, I wish to impress upon you that I am a much wiser woman today – I realize that rouge on my cheeks makes me look like a harlot in Whitechapel and not at all as though I am to be married to a fine and dashing young gentleman such as yourself.

I am so glad that you have extended this offer of marriage to me. I hope you have found my promises to your satisfaction, and I cannot wait to be in your arms again. That is, to be in your arms in a wholly non scandalous and innocent way that befits your fiancée.

My love to you and good health to your dear lady mother, Fidelia −S. Shea

LITTLE-KNOWN SEX WEEK EVENTS The Staxxx: Finding the Kinkiest Corners of SML Let’s Talk Pubes: A Panel Discussion Why Sex? with YSECS BLT-GQ: a Co-op sponsored lunch with GQ editor Jim Nelson An Introduction to the Sex Major with DUS Harold Bloom Nude Perspectives on Science and Engineering Uncut, Uncut: A Frank Discussion of the Declining Normativeness of Circumcision −J. Newsham

“I’m really into threesomes right now.”

−S. Zhang

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−C. White

CATHOLIC CHURCH ENDORSES CONTRACEPTION In a press conference this afternoon, Pope Benedict XVI announced a surprising new endorsement of a new form of contraceptive. This departs from earlier Church views on the subject, which asserted “the intrinsic evil of contraception” and claimed that “it harms true love and denies the sovereign role of God in the transmission of human life.”

This announcement is a major step forward for advocates of birth control. The Pope explained the unexpected change in policy: “The Church has always stood against the use of contraception, but recently it has found it fit to endorse a very specific type of contraceptive that we believe is compatible with Church dogma.

This form of birth control combines two causes that are important to the Church: preventing the spread of infectious diseases and preserving the sanctity of the soul.”

The new method of birth control is commonly called “cock-blocking” and had been used extensively around the world before being officially endorsed by the Church.

Pope Benedict XVI explained why the use of cockblocking was allowed under the Church’s standards: “As an extension of abstinence, this is not a huge departure

from previous Church stances. The transmission of human life will remain uncorrupted.”

The Pope then discussed the specifics of cockblocking, describing it as a “unique form of contraception in its utilization of a third party. It occurs whenever someone, friend or not, prevents a male from engaging in coitus with a woman. This person is often called a ‘third wheel’ because all groups of three—such as the Three Wise Men—are inherently awkward.” He also added, “The interactions of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and Salome throughout the Book of John reveal an unquestionable and Biblically-sanctioned precedent for cock-blocking.”

In response to this news, a representative for St. Thomas More Church sent out an email to all Yale students proclaiming this a major breakthrough for Catholics and non-Catholics alike. Furthermore, St. Thomas More, in conjunction with Yale’s Peer Health Educators, has issued pamphlets to all students to help them learn about this new birth control method. Contained within are basic tips for effective cock-blocking, general etiquette guidelines, and a list of the most common cock-blocking techniques.

These include “Sick Friend,” “Dancing Machine,” “The Getaway,” and “Awkward Information Revealed.” A new seminar on cock-blocking has also been scheduled for next fall’s Freshman Orientation.

John Stroops, DC ’12, greeted this change with enthusiasm: “As a Catholic, I’d always been proud of my religion but had nonetheless felt that its policy on contraception was behind the times. Now, thanks to this recent announcement by the Pope, not only do Catholics have a Church-sanctioned method of birth control open to them, but it’s a method that I’ve apparently been inadvertently practicing at parties for years. It feels good to be doing God’s mission.” Stroops then waved across the courtyard at his roommate, who independent sources say has been prevented from bringing a girl home six times in the past semester, thanks to Stroops’s contraceptive maneuvers.

In an email to the Yale student body regarding the new Church policy, Dean Mary Miller released this statement: “In the wake of Yale’s Title IX suit, I think the entire University community can come together around cockblocking as a way to promote a safe sexual environment at Yale. It is important to remember that everyone—even the socially inept—have a place in romantic and sexual situations.” −B. Green

New Haven’s oldest, biggest and best bike shop Come see us in our new downtown location at 151 Orange Street

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ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA! SUSPECTED MUGGER ESCAPES FROM HIT AND KICK AND PUNCH AND STEAL AND RUN INCIDENT Dear Ryan, Oh Ryan. Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.

Your inferior thrusting ability has disappointed me once again. How many trials do we need to go through?

Have you seen Julio’s thrust? It’s magnificent. And his size! You’d think with your somewhat below-average length you could compensate with a more impressive thrust. Alas, perhaps you will never be able to satisfy me fully.

—A rocket engineer who gives her prototypes male names. Also they are shaped like penises.

Dear mysterious feeling, I don’t know how to describe you.

It’s like I’m hungry for NOT eating.

—Fat Jeff

Dear Me, Oh, yuo thnk its’ a ogod idea t owrite this wen your compeltley wstaed? Ill shoywou!

—Drunk Meeeeeeeeeeeeee

DINING HALLS CREATE THREE NEW COMBINATIONS OF BROCCOLI, LEMON JUICE, AND OIL

Dear New England Journal of Medicine, I think I just thought of a revolutionary new way to fight cancer. When exposed to radiation, it turns out that the chemical compounds in Doritos actually, like, dissolve tumors. My research isn’t done yet, but I’ll send you the paper, eventually, once I write it.

Sincerely, A scientist who just discovered marijuana

Dear towel, Here I am, a freshman in college, with so much to learn. I just thought I’d ask up front—how often am I supposed to wash you? A couple times a week?

Once every couple of weeks? Once a month? I’m not sure, but I sure hope I figure it out before this whole hygiene situation gets out of hand.

—Glenn Shaffer, MC ‘15

YALE BEATS HARVARD 56-12 IN HISTORIC IMAGINARY UPSET

Dear Glenn, When I start talking to you, that’s probably a good sign that it’s time to throw me in the wash. Washing me before I start moving at all would be even better.

—Your towel

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ESL STUDENTS CALL GRADUATION “SWEET AND SOUR”

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

Lost: Bitch who makes ma sammiches.

Dear Bath and Body Works “Pearberry”-scented lotion, I am extremely confused by the name of your scent. I realize most other Bath and Body Works lotions have fruity or flowery names to help identify what they smell like, but the fact remains that there is no such thing as a “pearberry.”

In fact, when you say “pearberry,” I immediately think of mad scientists grafting berries onto a shrieking pear, eventually revealing a grotesque mutant fruit that kills its creators in its attempt to escape, and runs wild through the city screaming, “LET ME DIEEEE!!” until the U.S. Army finally brings it down. But that’s just me.

How much for three bottles?

Amy

THE OLDEST

OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

TO COMBAT RECESSION, U.S. ANNOUNCES BOLD “PRINT LOTS MORE MONEY” INITIATIVE Dear candy, I really like you, even though you tried to choke me that one time. Don’t worry, I forgive you. Let’s always be friends?

—A child Dear music, If it weren’t for you, maybe I’d still be alive somewhere. Hope you’re happy.

—Kurt Cobain

FRESHMAN UNSURE WHICH EXTRACURRICULAR TO UTTERLY CONSUME HIS SOCIAL LIFE WITH

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

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Zoi’s Café Local breakfast & lunch café

s Zoi’ Orange on

We Cater Hours: Monday - Friday 7 am - 3 pm Closed Saturday and Sunday 338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735 www.zoisonorange.com

Single, active missile seeking heat.

Dear Yale, I would love to be considered for placement in the class of 2016. I think I would be an invaluable addition to the Yale tradition.

Sincerely, Abby Smith, age 17 Dear Yale Admissions Office, In case you were confused about my applying to Yale via a two-sentence letter in the Yale Record, you should know my high school counselor told me the best way to get in was to go the nontraditional route. It was supposed to be ironic. But not a joke. I really do want to go to Yale next year. And this really is my application.

Desperately, Abby Smith Dear American public, I haven’t failed; I’ve just discovered 10,000 ways not to make a light bulb. And at least twelve of them are fantastic sex toys, so honestly, I’d call that a success!

—Thomas Edison

FOLLOWING THE SUCCESS OF PAYPER-VIEW, DIRECTV TO RELEASE SCISSORS VIEW, ROCK VIEW Dear Puerto Ricans and blacks, Want to hear my favorite racist joke?

Stop me if you’ve heard this one. How many racists does it take to change a light bulb? Like a thousand, since they’re all so stupid!

Sincerely, A racially-tolerant individual who yearns for world peace Dear Flavors Froyo Shop, I really appreciate your effort to bring a competitive edge back to the New Haven frozen yogurt scene.

Those Froyo World prices were getting seriously out of hand. I, for one, feel sick every time I see a monopolizing business raising its prices outlandishly simply because it can. So thank you.

—Frank, the manager of the Yale Bookstore

SCIENTISTS REPORT THAT YOUR MOM WAS GREAT LAST NIGHT

Have you always been interested in Writing• Art • Design • Business

Send for Booklet!

?

A m e r i c a’s O l d e s t C o l l e g e H u m o r M a g a z i n e Send an email to chairman@yalerecord.com for more information

WHAT IS YOUR SEXUALITY? A Quiz for the Questioning Man Some guys have it all figured out. They see a sexy girl or a muscular, hunky guy, and they think, “Oh yeeeeah!” For some of us, though, it’s not that easy.

On one hand, there are girls, with their awesome boobies. But on the other hand, penises! It is

1. What’s your favorite national landmark? a. The Washington Monument, which has been standing tall ever since it became completely erect in 1885. b. The big, full Rotunda of the Capitol Building.

4. What’s your favorite physical activity? a. I spend all my time in the ballet studio. b. Playing basketball and football – I’m practically a pro.

possible to enjoy both of these things (I’ve done so—at the same time, too!), but for those of you gentlemen who don’t think you’re a “best of both worlds” type, here’s a handy quiz to help you figure out just what team you play for.

2. If you’re eating something, it’s probably a… a. fa-ji-taaa! b. hot dog with the guys at the ballgame.

5. Which would you rather watch on TV? a. I just can’t get enough of Project Runway! b. WWE – bring on the mayhem!

3. How do you normally greet the people you hang out with? a. Oh hey girlfrieeeeeeeeeend! b. Hey man, what’s hangin’?

6. You’re in a gay bar, and the hot bartender is walking your way.

What do you do? a. Time to see what a bit of skin gets me. b. Wait, what am I doing in a gay bar?

Your results!

Mostly B’S

Mostly A’S You are Straight, much like the Washington

You are gay. You’re obsessed with the Capital

Monument, which you so conveniently picked as your favorite national landmark. You’re a fan of the “taco,” if you get my drift, and you even have a girlfriend, who you greet so often and enthusiastically. In fact, you can’t get enough of the ladies! You do ballet just for an excuse to pick up women by their butts—let’s hope your girlfriend doesn’t find out! And then you stare at all the foxilydressed babes on Project Runway. But a word of warning, Mr. Hetero Harry: you need to be considerate, and I’m not even talking about your questionable faithfulness to your girlfriend.

Don’t go around being a tease to gay men just because you think your hotness can get you a drink on the house!

Building because you’re dying to march on it for gay rights!

Obviously, you hang out with mostly guys, and you don’t have a problem asking them how well they’re “hanging,” either.

Hungry for a wiener much? You spend a lot of your time playing with balls, and even when you take a break to watch some TV, you’re eager to see scantily-clad men wrestle with each other until they’re covered in sweat. Bring on the mayhem? More like bring on the gayhem! The last question I have for you is, “What are you doing sitting in a gay bar, reading this magazine?” Don’t get nervous; put all that ball practice to work!

Find someone you like, put the moves on them, and show them just how gay you really are!

Written by L. Sedlacek • Designed by S. Shea • Illustrated by P. Robalino