Issuu

Vol. 142, No. 6

TH E YALE

Feb. 28, 2014

RECORD

MAPLE MYSTERIES

CANADIAN CONUNDRUMS

CANADA’S 4TH FINEST SCIENCE MAGAZINE

Sorry!

Is Quebec just a mirage? What CAN’T hockey teach us about urology? Will the Mounted Police be replaced by centaurs by 2050? Tim Horton’s: the Donut, the Torus, and the Space Time Continuum

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101 Whalley Avenue Dear Faulkner, It seems to me you’ve had a lot of time to compose your thoughts as you lay dying. I on the other— —A man who didn’t have time to finish his thoughts as he lay dying

Dear God, Thanks so much for giving people legs. We’d be awfully unhappy without them. —A really sarcastic guy who thinks legs look stupid as shit

Dear man eating Greek yogurt out of a human skull, You’re weird. —A man eating plain yogurt out of a human skull

GOOGLE GLASS USES PATENTED ALGORITHM TO MAKE USER LOOK REALLY STUPID

UNDERWEIGHT FRESHMAN KILLED BY SHOWER’S WATER PRESSURE

Dear Oxford English Dictionary, We think you should update your definition of “stinging” to include a portmanteau of “Sting” and “singing.” As in, “Did you go to the Police concert and hear Stinging? He was way worse than all of the other members of the band, whose individual names we definitely know.” Sincerely, The other members of The Police

Dear pumpkin, I am going to scoop out your insides and leave your body outside my house for everyone to see. Enjoy! —A crazy serial killer who calls his girlfriend “pumpkin”

Dear deer, I have nothing to say to you. I just like the repetition. —Hank, age 4 Dear Hank, Well, we have a lot to say to you. Your species is slowly ruining our home. How would you like it if we came to your home and slowly converted it into a mini-mall? Think about that, idiot. Best, Deer

CONFUSED TEEN EXPERIMENTING WITH EMO CULTURE SEWS HIMSELF INTO PANTS EACH MORNING Dear Lincoln Logs, I get it. You think you’re better than me. —Buchanan Bricks

T he Y ale R ecord

SOCK PUPPET GOVERNMENT RULES WITH COTTON-COVERED IRON FIST Dear Disney, On behalf of the President of the United Arab Emirates, we formally decline your application for the Aladdin/ Harry Potter crossover you had hoped to shoot in our capital. We don’t feel that a film titled “Abu and Dobby Do Abu Dhabi” would reflect well on our culture, no matter what happens in it. —The Embassy of the UAE Dear antique store, You were built in 2011. False advertising. Literally, Stan

LOCAL “MOM AND POP” STORE ACTUALLY A FRONT FOR HIGHLY COMMERCIALIZED FAST FOOD CHAIN Dear mixed nuts, Your message of integration and harmony sickens me. I remember when the rich ruled the world of nuts. Those were better times. —Mr. Peanut, while wearing two monocles Dear salad, You’re all dressed up with nowhere to go. How sad. —A man eating salad alone and trying to make himself feel better

HIPSTER DOESN’T EVEN LISTEN TO MUSIC ANYMORE, JUST STARES AT INSTRUMENTS

UNDERAGE? we’ll sell you

CHAMPAGNE ...or scotch, or rum, or vodka in bright n’ bouncy plastic bottles, you name it - if it’s dirt-cheap and kills brain cells, we’ve got it. And since we’ve got it, you can get it. We pay off the cops. You’d be amazed at how little money it takes to bribe ‘em. Terrified, in fact.

skeevy’s wines & liquor you know where • New Haven

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Dear Justin, When life gives you lemmings, you should totally follow them. —A devious lemming wearing sunglasses and a fake mustache

HOUSE MINORITY LEADER IS ACTUALLY WHITE Dear Harvey, Go to hell! —Satan, who just wants some company

Dear Bear Man, Who are you, really? Dear Tony, I AM BEAR MAN.

—Tony

—Bear Man

LOCAL DAD REPORTEDLY SITTING ON COUCH, MAKING THROAT-CLEARING NOISES AND INTERMITTENTLY FALLING ASLEEP

on the corner of Park and Elm Open Fri-Sat: 11:30 am-3:00 am & Mon-Thurs: 11:30 am-11:00 pm

Dear Jim, All blankets are blue. —Blanket statements

STUDENT GETS “HIGH MARX” ON INTRO TO COMMUNIST DRUG USE EXAM Dear tadpole, How Polish are you? Only a tad? I can get over that. —A Pole vaulter

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142

The Yale Record

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MAN PUTS HAND ON OTHER MAN’S BACK IN SIGN OF EMPATHY Hey folks, Have you ever noticed how life is meaningless? —Depressed Jerry Seinfeld Hey folks, Have you ever noticed how when women are trying out perfume they always spray a little on their wrists? Like this? What’s that about? No one will ever love them anyways. —Depressed Jerry Seinfeld

Dear students, Be advised that this winter break, the Yale Fire Marshals will be deploying microwave-sniffing dogs in their inspections of your suites. —Dean Gentry Dear Dean Gentry, Shit.

College

— Everyone

LONE SHARK DEPRESSED ABOUT HIS SOLITUDE, CARTIStreet LAGINOUS SKELETON

Cycles

Repair Hey folks, Repair Shifting, Dear Steve Jobs, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels Have you everRepair, noticed how Apparel those All Repairs Welcome All Repairs Welcome What the fuck, man? This new iPod little bags of peanuts on airplanes keep and Accessories Guaranteed Parts & Repairs Mini is just too small. It’s barely bigger Guaranteed Parts & Repairs getting smaller and smaller? What’s that Apparel than my Motorola Razr or Lance Apparel about? Last night I cut myself. Mon-Thurs. Armstrong’s flaws! It’s freaking me out, Cold Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear —Depressed 10:00-7:00 Jerry Seinfeld Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts man, like the weapons of mass destruction Protective Equipment Protective Equipment Serial killer, answers to that Saddam Hussein has. Accessories Buck; if found, please run Fri-Sat Accessories —Sam, who’s been in a coma Full Selection very very Accessories fast. 10:00-5:00 Full Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories since 2004 Bike Locks

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I Sydney Shea’14, Editor-in-Chief Jack Newsham ’14, Chairman Aaron Gertler ’15, Publisher

Becky Marvin ’16, Design Editor Ben Garfinkel ’16, Managing Editor Nick Goel ’16, Managing Editor Scott Stern ’15, Managing & Supplementals Editor Zach Schloss ’15, Staff Director Allie Beizer ’15, Art Director Emily Sandford ’14, Online Editor Ian Gonzalez ’16, Business Manager Claudia Shin ’16, Publicity Manager & Copy Editor Daniel Fraser ’14, Director of Special Projects Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16, Recruitment Director Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16, Legal Counsel

’m gonna be real here: I don’t know much about science. My sea monkeys died on their second day in my care. I haven’t taken a real science class since high school (sorry, Natty D). Until recently, I thought ionic bonding was when you built your columns too close together. I don’t even understand the processes of fermentation and inebriation properly (sorry, Natty Light). Suffice to say that when The Record decided that we should take a field trip together, my vote was for us to visit the natural history jewel of New Haven, the Peabody Museum. I polled the staff and tallied the results. “The Peabody it is!” I said triumphantly. “But… thirteen of us voted for FroyoWorld!” said Emily, who is very good at math. “Well, my vote actually counts for 13.2 votes. That’s just what happens when your title has “Chief” in it.” Jack scoffed. “Well, I finally understand why you changed my title from ‘pants-wearer-in-chief’.” “I swear to god it was because it seemed sexist!” I replied, wounded. Scott crossed his arms. “Well, I’m not going to a natural history museum. It doesn’t hit my America quota.” ”Sure it will!” I exclaimed, feigning enthusiasm. “Liar…next thing I know, you’re going to try to convince me we evolved from monkeys or something.” “Ummm…” said Emily. “Let’s not get into that right now!” I said. “Come along everyone!” They followed, grumbling. When we got to the museum, the staff took off like a Mento in Diet Coke. “Wait for me, guys!” I called to empty air, then wandered dejectedly into the Great Hall of Dinosaurs. I stopped short in my tracks and gasped. “Ethan! What are you doing with those dinosaur bones!?” He giggled from within the rib cage of an Apatosaurus. “Look, Sydney! It’s a xylophone!” He ran what looked like a dinosaur femur along the rib cage, making a sound that was decidedly unlike a xylophone.

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“Get down from there!” I looked over to the side and saw Mitchell watching him. “Okay, legal counsel. Aren’t you supposed to keep us from getting sued? Couldn’t this get us in trouble?” He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “Nope,” he finally said. “In fact, if he falls, we could sue the Peabody. The barrier they put up is tall enough to stop four-year-olds, but not Ethan.” “But he’s disobeying the signs!” I panicked. “Yes, but for the purposes of our impending lawsuit,” Mitchell replied as the Apatosaurus teetered precariously on its remaining three legs, “Ethan only understands hieroglyphs. I mean, he is a linguistics major, so that’s feasible.” “Aaaarghhh! Well, just get him down and meet me upstairs. I’m gonna go round up the others.” I ran through the museum collecting everyone else. This was just too disorganized. I found Jack angrily trying to convince the elderly volunteer bouncer at the Discovery Room that he was definitely under the height limit. Scott was vandalizing the evolution exhibit. In the Egyptian section, Zach, Nick, and Ben had shut Allie into a sarcophagus with a scarab beetle. Eventually I found Aaron, who had accidentally hypnotized himself with a particularly shiny geode in the Minerals Room. Everybody else was lost in the second floor men’s bathroom, which they mistakenly thought was an exhibit on modern plumbing and/or modern art. As we were walking back to the entrance, Becky jumped out of a room ahead of us labelled “Birds of

Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Sahil Gupta ’17, Max Goldberg ’17, Mikayla Harris ’17, Daniel Hoogstraten ’17, Madeline Kaplan ’17, Victoria Kim ’15, Tom McCoy ’17, Isaac Morrier ’17, Travis Reginal ’16, Ben Rudeen ’17, Chris Rudeen ’17, Sam Savitz ’17, Harrison Schneider ’17, Natalie Warren ’17, Lining Wang ’17, Madeleine Witt ’15, Sylvia Zhang ’15, Claire Zhang ’15

Connecticut.” She was so excited she could barely squeak out her words. “Guys…look!” We turned the corner and there it was. The Holy Grail of the Peabody Museum. “That’s it… I’ve seen everything that is important in life,” said Nick, eyes shining. “It’s… it’s beautiful.” Ben added between sobs. “Evolution MUST be real.” Scott said, awestruck. It stood before us, serene and majestic, the king of the bird world, the embodiment of our grand, age-old mascot and slightly sozzled caregiver – a taxidermied Great Horned Owl. We all looked at each other. We had to have it. Fifteen minutes and a lot of frenzied shoving later, we were finally ready to leave. The security guard didn’t even ask how I had miraculously gotten pregnant with a great-horned-owl-shaped baby in our two hours in the museum. Compared to past Record excursions, I deemed the Peabody a successful field trip – just behind playing strip charades with Jon Stewart but leagues ahead of losing two and a half staff members to the crocodile in the steam tunnels. If you ever want to join in, just drop by Room 305 305 Crown on Thursday evenings. Just don’t ask where we got the owl. —S. Shea The Yale Record February 2014

Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Rachel Lackner ’17, John Lancione ’17, Emily Monjaraz ’14 Karen Tian ’14, Jessica Yang ’16

Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and freeze rays. Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Ruoxi Yu ’15, who always wears her safety goggles. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLII, No. 6, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2014 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. The Record is on sale on all the principal news-stands in New Haven, New York, and Boston (Providence can go fuck itself). The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

EINSTEIN’S LESSER-KNOWN THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS

a whole passive-aggressive fuss about it. He’s that sort of person. So where do you keep the cylinder?

In 1905, Einstein changed the world by introducing a new theory of space and time. The theory came to him, famously, after months of contemplating a thought experiment (known as a “gedankenexperiment”) about what would happen if a person were to race a beam of light. What is often forgotten is that this was only one of several gedankenexperiments that captured Einstein’s attention at the time. The Record has collected here just a few others which ultimately failed to have the same impact on the course of history.

4. Imagine trees are people and people are trees. Should we call ourselves “people-trees” or “tree-people”? How about “treeple”? 5. Imagine everybody in the United States is President except for Teddy Roosevelt. Is the First Lady still his wife? 6. Imagine Marie Curie naked. She’s probably pretty hot, right? —B. Garfinkel

1. Imagine everybody has hamburgers for hands. Would people still eat hamburgers, or would that be too weird? 2. Imagine the Supreme Court is hearing a case about the constitutionality of the number four. They rule in a 5-4 decision that the number violates the Constitution. But then they realize that the number four appears in their ruling, and thus that the ruling must also be against the Constitution. But if the ruling is against the Constitution, it is illegitimate and the number four is still allowed. But then, of course, that would mean the ruling is legitimate again. What should the court do? 3. Imagine a cylinder of radius R, density p, and infinite length. A friend gives you the cylinder for your birthday. You don’t want it, but you know if your friend comes over to your house in a few days and sees it’s not there he’ll make

REJECTED SPACE SHUTTLE NAMES Gertrude Luke Sky-flyer Chastity The USS Harry Johnson Typhoid #SuckItBrezhnev Sexual Discovery Obama’s Revenge The Space Shuttle Formerly Known as Challenger —B. Rudeen

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HOW TO SEDUCE A SCIENTIST Buy a gym membership to keep your body in fine mating shape, which scientists will appreciate. Use concealer to hide facial blemishes, which could signal the onset of disease in the eyes of a careful scientist. Obtain plastic surgery to make your face more symmetrical. Scientists are attracted to the mathematical properties of symmetry. Buy expensive drinks for the scientist, demonstrating your accumulation of excess resources and ability to provide for future offspring. Speak clearly and look the scientist in the eyes: they will recognize these behaviors as indicative of high status within your social group. If other people interfere with your conversation, bite them until they indicate acceptance of your alpha position in the hierarchy. Use subconscious behavioral cues to prime the scientist to the idea of reproductive coitus. These could include playing the violin, baking brownies, and exposing your genitalia. When the scientist becomes pregnant, skip town and change your cell phone number—after all, it’s your genetic imperative to spread your DNA to the offspring of many different scientists. If forced to settle down with your scientist, study the liberal arts: interdisciplinary children are the cutest, which means they’ll get to have more sex.

2021: Water Game: Build robots that can safely traverse the depths of the Mariana Trench. First team to kill and retrieve a giant squid wins a college scholarship! (Honolulu, Hawaii) 2023: Mindfuck: Program robots to crack the passwords of the opposing team, read through their email, and reveal their most embarrassing secrets to an audience of millions. (Las Vegas, Nevada) 2025: Manhunt: Use classified geolocation software to help all-terrain robots capture targets on President Jindal’s terrorist watch list. (Yemen, Libya, Qatar) 2028: Singularity: Build robots powerful and obedient enough to keep the robots from last year’s competition in check. It seems they’ve found a way to override the central command protocol and— wait. What’s happening? Why isn’t my computer responding to my— (New York City, New York) 2029: Last Hope: Stop the robots from hacking into nuclear launch systems and destroying the remaining cities held by the Resistance. (Moscow, Russia) 2030: Football: Transport pointed spheres across a rectangular field without running into the other team’s humans. (Machine City, formerly known as St. Louis, Missouri) —A. Gertler

—A. Gertler

FIRST ROBOTICS HIGH SCHOOL NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP: TIMELINE OF CHALLENGES 2013: Ultimate Ascent: Land Frisbees in the opposing team’s goals, or climb a tower for bonus points. (St. Louis, Missouri) 2018: Hot Shot: Score as many blows against the opposing team as possible with robot-mounted paintball guns. (The streets of Detroit, Michigan)

—K. Tian

PRESSING ISSUES IN BIOETHICS Spring 1990, Volume 13

Is it right to resurrect species that have been extinct for millennia?

Does an epically cool amusement park justify an attempt to play God?

Is it ethical to create a Frankensteinlike organism from the genes of modern frogs and ancient lizards?

Can someone please get that mathematician to shut up about Chaos Theory?

Compiled by the American Society of Philosophers

PRESSING ISSUES IN BIOETHICS Spring 2090, Volume 413

Is it still okay to change gender when necessary?

Can we genetically engineer ourselves to have opposable thumbs, or should we stay content with the ďŹ‚esh-rending claws weâ€™ve been given?

Can employers discriminate based on PODNADFF (Percentage of DNA Derived from Frogs)?

Can we eat the rest of the humans, or should we preserve a small breeding population for research purposes?

Is it ethical to test ScaleCare products on our closest relatives, birds?

RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWR!

Compiled by the American Society of Philosoraptors Writing: T. McCoy | Design: D. Hoogstraten

Fig Newtonâ€™s Laws of Motion

A Fig Newton in motion tends to stay in motion until acted upon by the mouth.

# of Fig Newtons eaten

(available milk)

(appetite)

For every cookie there is an equal and opposite re-cookie.

You can never eat

just one. Written by C. Rudeen

Art by K. Tian

The Way Things Work The Hybrid Car

In a hybrid car, two sources of energy

are simultaneously used for power. The most common hybrid car is the gas-electric hybrid, which uses gasoline and electricity

to make the car go. The gas engine (1) drives

the rear wheels through the drive shaft (2) and differential (3). The driveshaft also

drives the electric generator (4) which stores charge in the batteries (5). The batteries send

this stored charge to the hamster wheels (6) which prompts the hamsters to run, adding additional torque and fuel efficiency.

2. 1. Most of todayâ€™s hybrid cars use specially-

bred 20 ohm hamsters. Hamsters are typically replaced every 15 thousand miles.

Cats

have been used to turn low-grade meat into poop for millennia with technology that has changed very little since their original invention by the Egyptians in the year 1350 B.C.. Designs were tweaked and optimized over the centuries with few new features besides the notable addition of “fur” in 200 B.C.. Conquest by the Romans brought cat technology to Europe and cats based on Egyptian designs were used to obtain and process mice and other rodents virtually everywhere until the industrial revolution, when the rise of industrial meat packing in the late 1800s brought new low-grade meat disposal challenges. In 1922, Swift & Co. research director Jeremy House visited his parents’ farm in upstate New York where he saw a cat catch and process a mouse and was struck with the idea to modify the cat to process meat production byproducts. Thousands were produced and the designs were soon copied by other meatpacking companies. These first “House” cats were simple machines, like their rural mouse-fueled counterparts, but

some time shortly after the baby-boom a puppy shortage prompted desperate parents to start buying old industrial models as crude mechanical pets. With the introduction of canned cat “food,” House cat meat-processing was largely outsourced to households. Today, models are built specifically for consumers. They have been softened significantly from the rural and industrial predecessors, but developers have yet to be able to give them any form of artificial intelligence remotely resembling a soul.

The Toaster The toaster was introduced in 1936 as part of a New Deal bread buy-back program to help struggling American bakeries. Households purchase bread, which they then put into the toaster (1). The toaster sends the bread to governmentowned toast factories (2), which send the much tastier toast back to the household.

The Scuba Tank Each Scuba tank contains a small bonsai tree (1)

which produces oxygen for the diver to breathe (2) from the carbon-dioxide the diver exhales (3). The tree uses this to O2

turn dirt into chloroform or something with witchcraft called CO2

photosynthesis, which will be discussed in Chapter 6.

CO2

During the Great Depression, this traded-in bread was then distributed to soup kitchens and relief agencies. When WWII began, bread was sent to the warfront to feed Ally soldiers. Today, bread is sent to Africa on the same ships as the Broncos SuperBowl victory t-shirts (3).

Isaac Morrier

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“TOAD’S – THE WILDLIFE DOCUMENTARY” [Scene opens with a slow pan across the front of Toad’s Place on a Friday night] DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: For the myriad creatures of the African savanna, the watering hole is the major hub for social interaction; for the seabound animals, the corpse of a dead whale. But for one of the most dangerous and elusive beasts to walk the Earth – commonly known as the Yalie – the center of social life is right here: Toad’s Place. [Cut to title screen. Intro song (“Livin’ on a Prayer”). Cut back to front of Toad’s] DA: We can learn much simply by observing the exterior. The fact that these specimens are waiting in line indicates that the interior of this building contains something valuable. Note well the glassy stares, stumbling steps, and abominable fashion choices of those present – most members of this species ritualistically inebriate themselves before coming to this place, a much-studied phenomenon known as “SHOTS!” which we will cover later. [A scuffle breaks out in the line.] DA: Space is scarce, and tensions are running high in the herd. Although most dominance displays occur within Toad’s, it is not uncommon to see beta males like these two engaging in contests of strength here to display their worth. Such interactions are often punctuated by loud utterances such as “Bro,” “Dude,” and “Let’s fucking tango, bitch.” The meanings are uncertain, but leading experts in the field have correlated increased forcefulness and frequency of these phrases with drastically decreased IQ. DA: Speaking of beta males, here we see a younger specimen being turned away from the entrance. Having waited through the line for his chance, the beta was unable to confirm that he was above the optimal mating age. Ah! In his rage, he’s thrown a rock through the window of Yorkside Pizza. This will only further demonstrate his unfitness to procreate, and the herd will likely cast him into exile if they can catch him. [Interior of Toad’s. Avicii’s “Levels” is playing at an earsplitting volume] DA: Now, on to the main event. The dance floor is a

veritable evolutionary pressure cooker; fertile mates with a wide variety of genotypes constantly bumping into each other, optimizing procreation potential. We can model it as a sea of densely packed gas molecules at high temperature, adding only the slight modification that particles are here replaced by countless genitalia. Many Yalies have already found partners – these two in the corner are, in fact, quite close to simply mating here against the wall, a surprisingly common sight in this locale. DA: Beyond the filters at the gate, there are mechanisms in place here to maximize the evolutionary fitness of offspring produced. Bathrooms below the dance floor feature long mirrors, intended to encourage douchier males and females alike to waste time taking “selfies,” reducing their possibility of mating. The pounding bass scares away the weak of heart, but more importantly, the sober – willingness to “get blackout” is an important consideration in any objective analysis of a specific Yalie’s fitness. Creatures known as “bouncers” remove those who become too belligerent, ensuring that all continues to flow smoothly. [A student is being dragged out by a large bouncer] STUDENT: It’s a valid question! Why are we being filmed? That camera has “Animal Planet” written across the side – you’re not going to explain that? What the fuck is going on? —I. Gonzalez THINGS THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER ALSO COLLIDES A boring, unflavored Cheez-It and a 6,000-pound wedge of cheese Two unrealistically attractive characters in a Nicholas Sparks novel Some unlucky mole people in Switzerland A couple of kids that shouldn’t have bullied the project head in middle school Two janitors at CERN who were just screwing around You and I (do do-do do do, do do-do do do) Exiled Irish patriot Thomas Addis Emmet and future Senator Daniel Webster in the riveting 1824 US Supreme Court case Gibbons v. Ogden Large hardons —S. Savitz

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FERMAT’S SECOND-TO-LAST THEOREM FINALLY PROVEN After centuries of baffling the world’s greatest mathematicians, Fermat’s Second-to-Last Theorem has finally been proven. Fergus Kirkenheim, who crafted the seminal paper, has been awarded the so-called “Nobel Prize of Mathematics”--namely, an inset dedicated to him in a high school calculus textbook. The notorious theorem was formulated nearly three hundred years ago in a letter from Pierre de Fermat to his rival, Louis-Jacques La Granvier. Amongst many petty insults, the letter contained the following gem of insight: “Every natural number N can be found on the face of a scale reading your mom’s weight.” That statement came to be known as Fermat’s Second-to-Last Theorem.

the hypothesis once and for all: “By inspection, Fermat’s Second-to-Last Theorem can be seen to be true. I leave the proof as an exercise for the reader.” Kirkenheim is optimistic about the impact that his work will have on future progress: “Now that we’ve found proofs for Fermat’s Last Theorem and Fermat’s Secondto-Last Theorem, I think we will soon see a general solution that can solve Fermat’s Nth-to-Last Theorem for any integer N.” Kirkenheim, however, says he will leave that task to someone else, for he has already set his sights on another age-old mystery: deciphering the Rosetta Pebble. —T. McCoy

“Some might see the so-called ‘theorem’ as nothing more than a minor personal insult,” says Kirkenheim, “but it is actually much more than that: it is a major personal insult.” For centuries, theoreticians strove to prove this theorem, often driving themselves to insanity or the library in their obsession to find a proof. Some even tacitly assumed the truth of the theorem and used it to prove theorems of their own: Euler’s famous Maternal Mass Lemma depended on the Theorem, as did Gauss’s Second Law of Ancestral Curvature. As more and more new theorems came to rely on Fermat’s unproven one, the pressure grew to prove this conjecture and validate the centuries of work that had been based on it. As the years wore on, a few steps were made toward a proof. Emmy Noether showed that “You might be odd, but you sure aren’t prime”; Alan Turing used complex algebra to demonstrate that “Your love life is purely imaginary”; and Georg Cantor published a daguerreotype of himself thumbing his nose at the reader. Despite these scattered advances, a complete proof remained elusive. The hero who would solve the riddle finally arrived in Fergus Kirkenheim, a short, balding professor from the University of Grand Forks (South Campus). His paper spanned seven hundred forty-three pages summarizing the work past mathematicians had done. At the end of this review was his single, forceful statement that proved

“Basic bitch”

—J. Newsham

REASONS ENGINEERS CHOSE YALE OVER MIT MIT’s mascot is fucking Tim the Beaver Brandon Levin’s eyes MIT’s big “Calculus Under the Sea” and “Suicide Prevention”-themed dances just seemed like too much fun Seriously though, MIT’s campus is fucking hideous YES-Weekend was more fun than MIT’s NO-Weekend I mean, who would choose Boston Common over the New Haven train station and that homeless guy on Elm Street who bites people? Tim. The Fucking. Beaver They weren’t wowed by MIT’s 30, count ’em 30, Division III Teams In an epic battle of cat and mouse, where the cats are mighty bulldogs and the mice are cowardly beavers, cat-dogs clearly defeat rat-rodents The chance to one day, maybe, have sex —S. Stern

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OTHER KINDS OF DARWINISM Anti-Social Darwinism – Arose when Netflix started a new promotion, promising free subscriptions to college students on break Academic Darwinism – Began as an objective competition to gain admission to the nation’s elite universities. As time went on, devolved into a social networking exercise rewarding young adults who are able to best brownnose important/old people Technological Darwinism – Originated in 2008 with the release of the Android mobile OS, pitting Apple and Google in direct competition for the first time. Fatality counts mounted, and reports of war crimes quickly surfaced. The two are now waging a pitted battle that will likely result in the fall of nations as we know them and the creation of a world ruled by Apple in the east and Google in the west. Biblical Darwinism – Abel was weak; he deserved to die. Facial Darwinism – May the strongest zit thrive! Darwin Darwinism – If a monkey is held captive by a bizarre, polyglot family, he must imprison them in their

mobile home and celebrate with thornberry pie. Amphibious Dancius Darwinism – The struggle for Connecticut area colleges to take over Toad’s Place. Darfurnism – A much too severe interpretation of “survival of the fittest.” Section Darwinism – When 60 seniors and one freshman show up for a seminar with fifteen spots, and somehow the freshman gets a spot. Hook-up Darwinism – The stronger roommate brings a partner back to the room for mating, so the weaker roommate has to sleep somewhere else. Or not. Socialist Darwinism – Those who kiss-ass and mindlessly repeat what their superiors tell them are the ones whose careers take a great leap forward and who move up the Party ladder. Not to be confused with Academic Darwinism. Administrative Darwinism – Mary Miller lost. Darwinism – Really an invalid scientific theory, since animals don’t die, they just go to a nice farm upstate. —H. Schneider

“Evolution of a Yale man”

—S. Gupta

T he Y ale R ecord

SCIENCE COURSES FROM YALE’S PAST BIOL 140 - Modern Equine Care

MCDB 120 - Reproductive Health I: The Rhythm Method

BIOL 392/ENGL 115 - Literary Humors: Bile, Etc.

MCDB 121 - Reproductive Health II: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

CHEM 114 - Comprehensive General Chemistry: All Four Elements

PHYS 666/THEO 666 - Buoyancy, Combustion, and Aerodynamics: The Physics of Witches

CHEM 220 - Introduction to Organic Alchemy

SCIE 160 - Pseudoscience and More Pseudoscience

CPSC 112 - Introduction to Abacus Programming

WGSS 201/PSYC 201 - Female Hysteria and its Impact on Intelligence

E&EB 125 - Creationism and Him EVST 125 - Earth’s Changing Climate: The Lord is Crying EVST 126 - Earth’s Changing Climate: The Lord is Peeing EVST 127 - Earth’s Changing Climate: The Lord has Dandruff EVST 346/SAST 378 - Urbanization and Environment in the Orient and the British Raj G&G 100 - Natural Disasters: Blood, Frogs, Locusts G&G 362 - Observing Earth from Earth HLTH 345 - Modern Medical Practice: From Leeches to Amputation JDST 278/MCDB 278 - Physiology of Jews: From Devil Horns to Deceitfulness MATH 991 - Arithmetic MCDB 040 - Science and Politics of Cancer, Leo, and Gemini

—M. Kaplan, R. Lackner, S. Savitz, and N. Warren

OTHER THINGS THAT THOMAS EDISON FAILED 1000 TIMES AT Saying the word ‘butternuts’ into a phonograph without laughing Beating Level 6 of Mortal Kombat Touching his tongue to the tip of his nose Satisfying a woman Getting the seasoning just right in his lobster étoufée Trying not to giggle when the doctor feels for lymph nodes Putting down the crack pipe, for good Screwing in the first light bulb —N. Goel

— E. Monjaraz

T he S cientific I ssue

INTERNAL MEMORANDUM To: Research Division From: Corporate Headquarters Date: 2/23/2014 Re: Research Objectives

twice the usual amount of stiffness, but their pleasant blue color will also help facilitate the kinky Smurf roleplay that will feature heavily in our ad campaigns. “But, Doctor, what should I do if the condition lasts for more than four hours?” KEEP. FUCKING.

Thrusting Ahead Dear Scientist Thralls, Pfizer is and has always been committed to learning what lessons we can from the serendipitous nature of our research. Who knew that little hypertension project on Sildenafil would produce our number one best seller, the little blue pill? I don’t know about you geeks, but in Corporate we call that a message. And by that I mean this entire company will now be focusing exclusively on Viagra. Oh, but you’re working on developing a treatment for Ebola? News flash, Gandhi, you’re not in Uganda any more. That promising new HIV vaccine? Soooo 1988. Cure for Alzheimer’s? Forget about it. What we’re asking is for you to drop all of that and devote your attention to making Viagra even better. What do we mean by even better? We mean dream bigger, longer, and harder, because this is going to be huge—like nine inches huge. Viagra 2.0 is about to solve all the problems of an impotent mankind. Premature ejaculation? You’re about to make lasting longer part of the Viagra guarantee. Problems coming up with new positions? Viagra 2.0 will upload the Kama Sutra directly into your nether regions. Total penile control via iPad? By late 2015, you will make this American dream a reality. With the help of Viagra 2.0, soon enough this whole department will be inserting itself into the future of health and medicine—pitching a tent up within a new frontier. Indeed, Viagra 2.0 is more than a drug, it’s a Lifestyle. You read that right. In anticipation of our new pill, Pfizer has purchased “Lifestyle” and many other popular brands of prophylactics…but once you’re done with them, they’re going to become our newest drug delivery device. Forgot your meds? No worries, the Viagrubber’s got you covered—literally! Not only will the Viagrubbers provide

That’s right, if all goes well, the new formula should last for nearly three days or more, providing a rock-solid boost of confidence not only in the bedroom, but all other parts of your life. We’re getting big right now with just the thought alone. A least we think we are. In truth, none of us have been able to feel our lower bodies since those guys in Legal dared us to snort that experimental Celebrex. But then again, why the fuck did we ever decide to make arthritis drugs anyway? I should add that if none of that convinced you to take part, well, it’s going to make you enough money to purchase the souls of your enemies, and that’s before we get started on the Android version of the app. Oh, and if you don’t work on it, we’ll fire you. Cheers, Corporate —M. Goldberg

—R. Yu

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T he S cientific I ssue

COMMITTED MOTHER ESCAPES ASYLUM TO TAKE KIDS TO SOCCER PRACTICE

Dear Mary Miller, What you had for dinner last night looked really good, and felt even better smeared all over me. —Mary Miller’s shirt

Dear Mary Miller, I love your new shirt! —Mary Miller’s stalker, who watches her try on clothes

ITALIAN-NATIVE-AMERICAN NOT SURE HOW HE’S SUPPOSED TO FEEL ON COLUMBUS DAY

Dear Sally, I really enjoyed your science fair project on evolution. It was so creative! I’m so proud that you weren’t afraid to go out on a limb and use some pretty sketchy facts. It’s really a special kind of person who goes against the agreedupon narrative of the last two thousand years. That took guts. Enjoy hell, Mr. Connors, fifth grade teacher

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Concussed athlete seeks afdshlatkan

So, I don’t Hours know how to put this, but Lunch what’s with the big yellow hat? Do you Monday Saturday: 11:30 AMhead? - 2:30 Or PM is it have an oddly pointed Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM some sort of archaic, phallic symbol that you use to elevate Dinner yourself over other Sunday Thursday: 5:00attempt PM - 10:00 PM your creatures, in a vain to hide Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM overcompensation for your incredibly small penis? Fast, Free Delivery —Curious George

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OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

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T he Y ale R ecord Dear Yale Heath, Why are you so far away? I just wanted to frolic in a large English meadow, but you’re like 3 miles away! —A dyslexic freshman

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“HIS HEART WAS THREE SIZES TOO BIG,” REPORTS CORONER Dear Cassandra, I’m sorry, but I just don’t love you anymore. —The subtext of what your boyfriend just told you about needing to find himself Dear Jake, It sort of ceases to be subtext when you email me shit like this. Dick. —Cassandra

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Dear Barack, Last night was fantastic! Oh, wow, you’re an amazing lover! Who cares what people say; we’ll be together forever. —A girl from Montana whose boyfriend is named Barack Smith

Dear Melanie, How could you? You bitch! Not only did you sleep with Stanley, but you did it two nights in a row! And while I was in the bed! Whore. —Melanie’s husband, who calls Melanie’s pillow “Stanley” and hates pillows

DIET COKE FACTORY BUILT NEXT TO MENTOS FACTORY; DISAPPOINTINGLY, NOTHING HAPPENS Dear scarf, Stop choking me.

—Another scarf

Dear scarf, That’s what you get for sleeping with my wife. —The first scarf Dear Foot Fetishists, You’re so narrow-minded! Why restrict yourself to just one body part? Expand your horizons! —Feet Fetishists

THIS HEADLINE IS WRITTEN IN DUTCH