The International Issue

Vol. 140, No. 7

THE YALE

April 2, 2012

RECORD

The International Issue

U.S. Customs and Border Protection Customs Declaration

FORM APPROVED OMB NO 1651-0000

19 CFR, 122.27, 148.12, 143.13, 148.110, 148.111, 149B.31, CFR 6316

Each arriving traveler or responsible family member must provide the following information (only ONE written declaration per family is required): 1. Family Name Lefakename First (Given) Middle Pierre Jean 2 2 0 5 8 7 2. Birth date Day Month Year 3. Number of Family members traveling with you 4. (a) U.S. Street Address (hotel name/destination)

None

Abandoned Warehouse #18

(b) City (c) State N J Stone Harbor 5. Nationality French Canadian 6. Passport # 6182921384 7. Country of Residence Countries visited on this trip prior to U.S. arrival Canada

Just France, although I’m

fairly sure I was taken into Germany after they chloroformed me.

8. Airline/Vessel Name US Airways, because of their excellent service, free in-flight refreshments, and willingness to overlook the blood seeping from my carry-on.

If airline, Flight No. 2340 9. Point of Embarkation Paris - Charles de Gaulle Airport 2 6 0 3 1 2 10. Date of arrival in U.S. Day Month Year 11. The primary purpose of this trip is business: Yes 12. Are you bringing any of the following into the U.S.? (a) Commercial Goods or Samples No. (b) Any items you have been requested by someone else to bring into the United States

١

No

“Requested” might not be the right word.

(c) Goods exceeding duty-free allowance Nothing except my complete and utter compliance with regulations of entry into the U.S. (d) Restricted/Illegal Articles No way to respond to that except with a shrug and a “Search me!” Ha ha, just kidding! But seriously, there’s no need to check my pockets, my carry-on, the soles of my shoes, or my large intestine. Please don’t.

13. Are you bringing an amount into the U.S. of $10,000 or greater?

No - I may be bringing in 10,000 much smaller amounts of $100, though. That cool?

14. Is there anything else you are bringing into the U.S. that you think we should know about?

There might be a human hand in my checked luggage. You should probably ignore that; it’s not really important.

Read the instructions on the back of this form. Space is provided to list all the items you must declare.

I HAVE READ THE IMPORTANT INFORMATION ON THE REVERSE SIDE OF THIS FORM AND HAVE MADE A TRUTHFUL DECLARATION.

X

Jean-Pierre Lefakename

March 26, 2012

(Signature) Date (day/month/year) For Official Use Only CBP Form 6059B (09/12) Written by L. Sedlacek and D. Zhu; Designed by S. Shea

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FREE DELIVERY - 7 DAYS A WEEK - 203-777-3234 10% Discount on Dinner With Student I.D.

45 Grove Street, New Haven, CT 06511 • Fax: 203-773-3235 • www.sitarindianrestaurant.net

BACK UP HARD DRIVE OUT, THIRD STRING HARD DRIVE CALLED UP Dear saloon patrons, FREEZE! That’s right, nobody move…now, if everyone could just back away from me, real easy like, then we can figure out where my contact lens fell and we can all go on with our lives.

—Pistol-Packin’ Pete Dear Professor Flairingston, Thanks for your e-mail! I definitely could meet with you at 10:30! Thanks for being so available! Also, really, thank you for all of your help on this.

I really appreciate it. And thanks for being at this school. If you worked at Princeton, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation! Also, thanks for being alive. So just wanted to say thanks for everything. Really, I mean it. Thank you.

Thanks again, Claudia

Dear Fro-Yo, It appears that the better abbreviation won. Congratulations.

Dejectedly, Zen-Gurt Dear Pastor Robb, Look, so I let people take pictures of me while I’m naked. Will you stop with the judgment? College tuition costs a lot these days, and modeling pays good money. In any case, you’re a pastor, so I think calling me a “sinful little whore” during your sermons is more than a bit inappropriate.

Please stop, Rachel, 5-month-old and current Huggies baby model

BOTANIST REVEALS THE SECRET BEHIND GROWING HEALTHY BLACKEYED SUSANS: PUNCHING REGULAR FLOWERS IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY

BROS BEFORE HOES, ENGLISH DICTIONARY INSISTS Dear manager of American Apparel, I see you, staring at me and my boyfriend because we’re two men dating each other. Well, I’ve got news for you. I’m here. I’m queer. And I’d like to know how much this scarf costs, if it isn’t too inconvenient.

—Jake Kelmore, JE ‘13 Dear Jake, I wasn’t staring at you because you’re dating a guy; I was staring at you because you’re wearing literally a dozen scarves already. Seriously, your neck is like a spool of scarves. Anyway, this one costs $19.62.

—The manager of American Apparel Dear baby changing stations, How about we leave the babies the way they are!

—A concerned citizen

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SIS HAS ENCOUNTERED THE FOLLOWING ERROR: THIS IS A MAGAZINE The Oldest Indian Restaurant in New Haven

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Lost: any chance at winning the American presidency. If found, please contact Newt Gingrich.

Dear spork, Could you send some money or something? I won’t be able to pay my rent for much longer, and I know how famous you are these days.

Your half-brother, Fpoon Dear Mom and Dad, Just because I’m seventeen doesn’t mean I’m a pothead. So I appreciate the Christmas present, but please return it and get me some meth like I wanted.

Disgruntled, Luis

INMATE IN ALL-GIRL PRISON DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE FUSS OVER DROPPING THE SOAP Dear son, Blame it on the al, al-al-al, al-alcohol, baby, on the al-al-alal-al-al-alal-alcohol, baby.

Best, Your abusive father Dear Samwell, Wait, what’s “the butt”? You mean, like, an actual butt? What were you doing in there? Heck, how did you get in? Butts can’t fit people inside them! And why were you saying “what what” while you were there? I am sooo confused.

—Pope Benedict XVI

CANNIBAL ENJOYS LEGS BENEDICT

Midwestern girl seeks Tin Man, Scarecrow and Lion.

Handy, Dandy, Andy

The Yale Record

123

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College

Dear naked eye, You can’t see nearly as much of me as I can of you. I can see everything.

—Eye aided with microscope

CANNIBALISTIC WOOKIES FIND Street CHEWIE CHEWY

Repair, Apparel Dear pre-med student,Accessories Dear American Heritage Scouts, and That’s it – you’ve had nearly four years of college to spend time on me, Mon-Thurs. and if you’re not going to commit to this 10:00-7:00 relationship, I’m moving on.

—Your life Bike Locks

Fri-Sat 10:00-5:00

KEYBOARD LACKS THE SELF-CTRL TO FN collegestreetcycles@gmail.com

Cycles

Dear world, Get ready for the craziest reply-all thread of all time.

Repair —Martha, BR ’12 Repair Shifting, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels All Repairs Welcome All Repairs DearWelcome stormy oceans, Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs

That’s it. You’re off the Christmas So I hear you’re like the Girl Scouts, Apparel cards.

Apparel but you don’t accept transgendered Cold Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear —The Spanish armada scouts and you encourage girls to have Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts Protective babies. But tell me straight: do you sell Protective Equipment Equipment Thin Mints? I mean, you have opinions Accessories Accessories and all, but frankly, if you don’t have Full Full Selection Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories Thin Mints, we couldn’t give two shits what you think.

Hungrily, 769 T he Y ale R ecoRd The American people

ADORABLE KITTEN NO CAN HAZ PARDON FOR SERIAL KILLINGS, PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYS

Mediterranea Café Middle eastern and italian Cuisine Monday - Thursday 11:00 am to Midnight Friday and Saturday11:00 am to 2:00 am Only Hookah Lounge in CT Private Party Back Room

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The Yale Record

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SOPHOMORE FINALLY DECLARES MAJOR, SEXUALITY Dear porch light, I’m just going to come in for a drink.

That’s all, and then I’m going back to my place. So no shenanigans.

—A naïve moth

PETER PIPER PICKED LAST IN GYM CLASS

IMPORTED BEERS

WE DELIVER Dear George of the Jungle, Watch out for me!

—That tree

SOCIAL OUTCAST PLAYS WORDS WITHOUT FRIENDS

Dear China, Most Americans see you as a threat, but I want to commend you on the fortitude of your people. Clearly, you’re on the right track when the three-yearolds in your country are winning gold medals at the Olympics, while the three-year-olds in like, Cambodia and stuff are prostitutes.

—An American who recognizes greatness when he sees it

Dear Kellogg’s, I’m writing to suggest a new brand of cereal that I think has a lot of potential.

It’s called Scrapple Jacks, and it’s made from discarded pork. If that doesn’t suit you, how about Boot Loops? That one’s made of recycled shoes.

Sincerely, Stanley Fanley, CEO Waste Material Imperial Cereals

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10:00-7:00

Bike Locks

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Repair Repair

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Apparel Apparel

Cold Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts Protective Protective Equipment Equipment

Accessories Accessories

Full Full Selection Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories

Emmy Waldman ‘11

I

’m going to start off this editorial with a confession: the Record is not an expert on the rest of the world. We recently spent what was supposed to be our annual spring break trip to the French Riviera in the wheat field behind the house of newly appointed Editor-in-Chief Lincoln Sedlacek, desperately begging what turned out to be a scarecrow to show us where the beach was. We probably should have realized that booking plane tickets to the first French-sounding place that came up on Expedia (Champaign, as it turns out; as it also turns out, the “IL” after it doesn’t stand for “In the Land-of-France”) was a bad idea, but even the shortness of the plane ride didn’t tip us off (we were busy drinking Chardonnay and learning to say, “The Eiffel Tower in your pants is very large,” in French).

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, either. In 2010, President Levin asked the Record to entertain a delegation from Sri Lanka’s prominent University of Colombo, which was hoping to establish stronger ties with Yale. The Record, unable to identify any facts about the University of Colombo or Sri Lanka itself, took the members of the delegation on a tour of their favorite parking meters around campus. A

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The Yale Record

week after the visit, the University of Colombo officially banned laughter from its campus.

There are also no international students on the staff of the Record. A few have tried to join, but we’ve always discouraged them by citing our “innumerable staff requirements“ and “content made up mostly of American cultural references,” and then plugging our fingers in our ears and shouting, “LALALA I CAN’T UNDERSTAND YOUR FOREIGN ACCENT LALALA!!”

There’s a reason for all this behavior, though, and it’s not that we’re boorish Americans that can’t find any continent besides North America on a map (it’s the one that looks like a duck, right?). No, it’s insecurity. The fact is, the world and its inhabitants terrify us. With so many other people in the world, all of them speaking different languages and hailing from different cultures, and having all sorts of international superpowers, there are bound to be people who are better than us. At everything. Engineering, banking, educating, masticating, you name it. Maybe even failing to find their own country on a map. And all of them have the jump on us because they’ve been dining on their rarefied diet of reindeer milk, caviar and American debt since birth.

So we here at the Record would like to use this International Issue as a chance to officially surrender to the rest of the world and say, “You’ve won.” “Hai vinto.” “你赢了.” “Anoche tuve relaciones sexuales con tu madre.” Actually, scratch that last one, but you get the point. We’re waving this white flag in the hopes that you won’t slay us with your environmentallyfriendly vehicles, your sophisticated fashion, or your delicious and innovative cuisine. Because, really, we get it: You’re better than us. Faster than us. Stronger than us. Harder than us (at least judging from the Tour Eiffel dans votre pantalon). But we don’t want any trouble; we just want to learn from and admire your wondrous ways, and maybe surreptitiously sniff your dirty laundry so we can figure out if you always smell like that. We’re really sorry we can’t hold a conversation with or about you without burbling. But please still like us. And please don’t eat us. And for God’s sake, tell us how to get from this wheat field to the south of France.

—D. Zhu The Yale Record April 2012

Chairman: David Kemper ’13

Editor-in-Chief: Dana Zhu ’12 Publisher: Jerry Wang ’13 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Alli Hugi ’13, Lincoln Sedlacek ’13, Michelle Taylor ’13 Art Director: Paul Robalino ’12 Online Editor: Jack Newsham ’14 Publicity Manager: Daniel Fraser II ’14 Staff Writers & Artists: Juliet deButts ’14, Aaron Gertler ’15, Ben Green ’14, Vic Hall ’15, Spencer Katz ’13, Yoonjoo Lee ’12, Mitchell Nobel ’13, Tiffany Pang ’12, Emily Sandford ’14, Zach Schloss ’15, Andrew Sobotka ’15, Ilana Strauss ’13, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Natey Weinstein ’14, Catherine White ’13, Sylvia Zhang ’15 Contributing Writers & Artists: Ariella Kristal ’14

Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and the concession stand at the Hague Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Jim Horwitz, creator of the comic strip Watson Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXL, No. 7, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2012 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chairman@yalerecord.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

UN INITIATIVES THAT NEVER MADE IT TO CONFERENCE Resolved: That the International Court of Justice politely requests that the Golden and Glorious Land of Myanmar kindly stop exterminating ethnic minority groups. And if the military stopped taking sex slaves, that would just be the cherry on the sundae!

Firmly Decided: That the General Assembly’s allergies are acting up and all this methane in the air isn’t helping. Or maybe it’s the carbon dioxide? Either way, if we all sign the Kyoto Protocol and take two Sudafed, the problem should go away.

Suggested: That the World Food Programme take some of that spare corn off of your hands, Iowa, before you turn it into biofuel and burn it in SUVs and the G.A. starts sneezing again! Oh, and Somalia might starve – guess that’d be pretty bad, too.

Wished For: That maybe Israel and the Arab world could let some anger out with a manly fistfight – just Benjamin Netanyahu and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Because that’s how real countries solve their problems – not all this silent treatment, name-calling shit. Who says?

The Security Council, that’s who says! You wanna go, Saudi Arabia? YOU WANNA GO? Or, Better Yet…: What about an intense game of Scrabble to settle this problem once and for all – in Arabic, of course. That sounds fair, right, Israel? Right, Palestine?

Fingers Crossed: Switzerland would like to suggest that Russia, the U.S., the UK, France, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, and North Korea just send all their nuclear weapons to Bern for sorting and safe storage.

Wouldn’t that just be a load off of everybody’s minds?

Come On, Guys, Please: Secretary-General Ban Kimoon notes that most national borders are completely arbitrary, patriotism is the world’s most lethal secular force, and what we all really want is just peace and happiness and a nice warm hug! So let’s just all be friends and dissolve our borders! Don’t worry, if we have to make any hard decisions about the future of the world, we can ask our wise, benevolent SecretaryGeneral, Ban Ki-moon.

—A. Gertler COUNTRIES THE UN ISN’T SURE EXIST Genovia Zimboobwe The Vatican South Side Thississa ’Merica South Ossetia Karlstan Terroristan Crazystanfromaccountsreceivable Varnyuwatu Candyland —Staff

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INTERNATIONAL METRICS OF URBAN SEEDINESS Corpses per dumpster Gunshot to appalled scream ratio Percentage of sidewalks in need of repair Percentage of streets in need of sidewalks Squatter to legal occupant ratio Incidence of doe-eyed urchin pickpocketing Percentage of doe-eyed urchins with drug addictions Average alcohol content of breast milk Gangs of marauding youths per block Average time between glances over your shoulder, walking on street Average time between glances over your shoulder, in own residence —J. Newsham THINGS ABOUT GEOGRAPHY THE RECORD STILL DOESN’T UNDERSTAND The condiments ketchup, mustard, and South America If buttes are supposed to be censored Whether crossing the International Date Line makes you a time traveler What a “rock lobster” is Canyons and can’tyons Why it takes so long to travel to NYC when it’s only an inch away on the map If lava is Earth vomit What kind of rock Geodude is How to ford fjords Why we never see crazy things down by bays Why Florida is bigger flaccid than Cape Cod is erect —L. Sedlacek

OPINION: I AM NOT AN INTERNATIONAL STUDENT Let me start with an anecdote, as most good opinion pieces do. I was sitting in the dining hall with a couple of friends when one of them asked me, “Hey, are you an

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international student?” I thought for a minute, weighing the two sides and formulating my answer. Finally, I responded, “No. I am not an international student.”

In terms of nationality, there are two types of students in Yale College. About 10 percent are what we might classify as “international.” The other 90 percent, of course, would be categorized as “not international.” I would tend to fall into the latter camp. “International” is, of course, a relative term, because to a student from, say, Afghanistan, Americans are international. So I suppose in that sense, I am international. However, in terms of whether I am from the country in which this college is located, I am almost 100% sure that I am from the United States of America, thereby making me not international, at least by that definition.

Let’s take a look at the reasons why I am not an international student. First of all, my appearance makes it more likely than not that I’m American. For instance, I am white, and even though there are obviously Americans who aren’t white, not being white might be an indicator that I come from a country where people, for the most part, aren’t white. I probably don’t come from one of those countries like New Guinea or Nigeria, where most people aren’t white, because I’m white.

Also, I speak American English, and I am not fluent in another language. Some of my opponents might argue, “Oh, well maybe you’re Canadian. They speak English there, and their accent isn’t all that different, and a lot of them are white, too.” This might have been a good thought.

However, I am not Canadian. I am American.

Some might argue, “Maybe your parents immigrated when you were young and you just got very well assimilated into the culture.” Not true. I was born in this country. My parents were born in this country. And then some people still say, “Do you remember your birth?” That is a fair point. I don’t remember my birth. In fact, my parents don’t remember their births either. So potentially, through an elaborate forgery, we all could have been born in different countries. But I’m almost positive we weren’t, based on the fact that we have verifiable birth certificates. Then again, that’s just my opinion, and you’re entitled to yours.

—N. Weinstein

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SHAMELESS CHAIN RESTAURANTS AROUND THE WORLD

Taj McDonald’s Olive Garden of Gethsemane Krispy Kreme-lin Starbuckingham Palace Cold Stonehenge Creamery Jack in the Beaches of Normandy Pompeii John’s Pizza In-N-Out of the Forbidden Palace Kentucky Fried Chernobyl —L. Sedlacek LEARN ESPERANTO: THE LANGUAGE OF THE FUTURE! “Estas ven – la lingvo de la estonteco!”

Could you read that? No? Really? Because it’s pretty intuitive if you’ve taken Spanish, except for the bizarre last word. Anyway, learn how, because Esperanto is making a comeback! Esperanto, for those who somehow still haven’t heard about it, was the supposed “easiest language to learn possible” created by the ingenious Doktor Esperanto in 1897, and it’s been taking over the world ever since. From the initial speaker of the language, the number of speakers expanded to three when he forced his wife and daughter to speak it, then fifty once he started an Esperanto band with a small but passionate fanbase, then fifty still for a while after he died, then THOUSANDS after the World Wars, when we realized there was some worth to intercultural understanding – and it marches on! Today, somewhere in the ballpark of one million people speak some Esperanto; lacking a country or census, however, that number has a margin of error of about 100 percent.

But its popularity is catching on!

With its philology having been described as both neutral and Euro-centric, Esperanto is the natural choice for someone who tires of the imperialist connotations of languages from countries that have a military history worth celebrating, or for someone who plans to learn another Romance language at some point. We also have awesome conventions every year where we celebrate Esperanto culture (by pretending it exists at all), serve up a dazzling array of Esperanto dishes (by which I mean to say Fazoli’s will be catering), and engage in traditional Esperanto mating rituals (Guys, Esperanto chicks, without fail, are

sexy and DTF! They’re also all mostly Russian mail order brides, or alternatively, Romanian prostitutes).

“Okay,” you may be wondering, arms askance and a skeptical scowl on your face, and probably a boner if you’re a guy, “but why not learn English or Chinese?

More people speak those languages than anything else.”

To which I say: Yes, but those languages are hard. English comes from German, which is ugly, aggressive and full of stupid exceptions, and Chinese has a ton of characters.

Like, a thousand. But Esperanto is easy! I mean, as long as you can differentiate among a few Eastern European sounds that nearly 5% of people know.

In conclusion, you should definitely try Esperanto.

At its current rate of expansion, you would almost just possibly maybe meet another speaker sometime before you’re dead.

—J. Newsham

Little Red State Riding Hood

—I. Strauss

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WHICH UN SECRETARY-GENERAL ARE YOU? 1. You’re hanging out with one of your allies when you receive a text message inviting you to go to the mall with that cute new nation that you’ve really wanted to enter into a trade relationship with. What do you do? a. Foster mutual international respect by bringing your friend with you to see your crush. b. Further your agenda by going to the mall—your friend will understand. c. Prove your support for longtime allies by staying with your friend. d. Balance contrary aims by inviting the new nation to come to you.

2. You’re getting pizza with a smaller nation when a bigger, more popular nation, with large natural gas reserves (if you know what I mean) comes and joins you. The bigger nation is cool to you, but turns a cold shoulder to your friend. What do you do? a. Strengthen the bond between the nations by convincing them to share breadsticks. b. Encourage economic development by getting the smaller nation to pay for all of your pizza. c. Threaten to diminish the international standing of the bigger nation by telling everyone that its “foreign emissary” didn’t visit this month. d. Change the topic by making fun of the dress Norway wore to Junior Prom.

3. When you’re trying to get the attention of a dashing older nation with a strong economy and a fancy car, what do you do? a. Demonstrate your interest by inviting him to the sexiest show in town: the upcoming climate change conference. b. Play hard-to-get by threatening to revoke his status as a sovereign nation. c. Show him you’re intelligent by looking up his national history on Wikipedia and then casually dropping some deets about the millworkers’ uprising of 1731. d. Send in inspectors to investigate his nuclear weapons program, and tell them to mention you offhandedly and note his reaction.

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Results: Mostly A’s: Your commitment to diplomacy and statesmanship makes you most like Dag Hammarskjöld. You are respected and valued as a brilliant mind who by all accounts never got laid.

Mostly B’s: You focus on your goals regardless of how you may be perceived, making you most like the UN Secretary-General so steeped in controversy they named him twice: Boutros Boutros-Ghali. Be careful not to offend too many; there’s a reason good ol’ Boutros Boutros was the only Secretary-General to serve just a single term.

Mostly C’s: Your allegiance to the disenfranchised makes you most like Kofi Annan. Although your commitment to human rights is admirable, it may make you some enemies. Nobody will deny, however, that you look wonderful in a bikini.

Mostly D’s: Your ability to offend nobody while maintaining your interests make you most like the current Secretary-General, Ban Ki-moon. Known for your easy smile, you’re a delight to have at any party—and in any bedroom.

Tie: Your vague character makes you most like Kurt Waldheim. You may be over-shadowed by bigger personalities, like Henry Kissinger, or one of those girls on the swim team. Also, you were probably a Nazi.

—M. Nobel

“We are experiencing a delay due to a Tyrannosaurus Rex tearing up the tracks in front of us. Sorry for any inconvenience.” −I. Strauss

Worst art Museums in tHe world The

Berlin Museum

of

By

Belly Lint

M. Taylor

in Berlin, Germany

The concept of Christo-and-Jean-Claude-wannabes Claude and Jean-Cristo, this museum preserves a decade’s worth of the artists’ belly lint in hand-crafted glass cases.

Irish Institute

of

drunk art

in Dublin, Ireland

A collection of lesser known works by a variety of artists—including a few greats—all conceived of, and executed, under the overpowering influence of alcohol. Featured pieces include a page of Da Vinci’s notebook obscured by vomit and a napkin on which Pablo Picasso doodled a penis, supposedly (but not verifiably) while intoxicated.

Winston W. Weber Collection of 18th Century Artisan Cookware in Salisbury, UK The

The collection, which inhabits a beautiful 16th century English mansion (completely refurbished in the 1970s, now unrecognizable), focuses on Northern European cookware, but features a few prominent Italian and Spanish spatulas.

National frame gallery in Prague, Czech Republic

An extensive exhibit of the world’s most famous frames, and only frames.

Argyris P. Kakaforos Forum

for the Study and Appreciation of Cycladic Plumbing in Athens, Greece The

The result of Argyris P. Kakaforos’ lifelong passion for Cycladic plumbing, this

shipping tycoon’s collection of ancient pipes, drains, and outhouse fragments

is the most complete picture of Cycladic plumbing offered the world over.

Unfortunately, lack of funding after the collapse of the Greek economy has

left many of the forum’s pieces in dire need of repair. Commemorative nose plugs are available on site for five euros, but savvy visitors are advised to bring their own.

Musee

de

doigts-peinture

in Lyon, France

Started by Mademoiselle Marie’s kindergarten class, this is Europe’s premier forum for the study and display of contemporary fingerpaint artworks, including contributions from Li, age 3, of China, and Karl, age 6, of Sweden. Construction of an adjacent art garden for the display of travelling sidewalk chalk exhibits is also currently underway.

The modern in Brooklyn, NY, USA

center

for

olfactory experience

Funded by a grant from the Museum of Modern Art, this new museum features artworks that are to be perceived only through the nose. Current exhibits include Cici deStefano’s “My Bathroom, Friday Night” and George Quint’s “Urban Deposits II.”

The

Toenail art gallery

in Cambridge, MA, USA

Started by Harvard graduate and avant-garde radical Stu Wycyzincyzzzzz, this three room gallery

in the basement of some Harvard kids’ off-campus apartment houses the complete toenail

art workings of Wycyzincyzzzzz and his fellow avant-gardes, whose artistic message and

intention has been completely lost on everyone, including Wycyzincyzzzzz himself.

Illustrated by A. Von Plinsky, Designed by S. Zhang

Bad Ideas for

Mythical Creatures

by D. Fraser

the MerBro

Unlike the song of the treacherous siren, the MerBro chants a rather obnoxious, slurred tune which few sailors actually find enticing. Only occasionally do weary seamen drift toward the MerBro, usually when they don’t really feel like going to Toad’s yet.

the Lerflac

the Orglo

A miniscule troll that enters your brain and takes control of your body, the Lerflac poses a serious threat. Most mysteriously, the moment it has control of your mind it adopts your memories and assumes the same personality and behavior. It is able to hide all physical evidence of its existence, making it completely undetectable (so don’t bother looking), but it is responsible for the forgetting of birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries - like the one my girlfriend may have gotten mad at me for forgetting last week.

Basically a ball of meat that features every known human orifice. It is not thought to understand any type of language and does not seem aware of its surroundings. It just sort of rolls around, occasionally getting things stuck in its holes.

the Draegot

Little is known of this ancient creature. It is thought to guard some holy, powerful artifact such as the Holy Grail or the Ark of the Covenant.

Supposedly, it fulfilled this duty faithfully for millennia until the late 20th century, when it happened across a wandering Orglo. Suddenly convinced that there could not possibly be a God, it adopted atheism and abandoned its post, never to be heard from again.

Bill

Bill is a spider. Nothing really out of the ordinary. He’s a little bigger than your average spider. Maybe a little hairier too. What makes Bill special is that he happens to be on your neck. Right now. Oh! He just left. But don’t worry; he’ll be back. Bill always comes back.

Illustrated by A. Von Plinsky, Designed by S. Zhang

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U.S. SENDS DESIGNER SUNGLASSES TO ETHIOPIA WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senate officials announced Monday that the United States will send a collection of over 4 billion pairs of designer sunglasses to Ethiopia.

The project was conceived in 2005, when Congress decided to create a committee to create a commission to explore potential ways to provide aid to developing nations. This commission in turn created a task force, which decided to conduct various feasibility studies before taking action.

After administering several lengthy and expensive studies, the government’s top scientists concluded that Africa is “very hot.”

“They get a lot of sun there,” said Dr. J. T. Spiffenhoof, Head of the Department of Meteorology and graduate of FiveMinuteDegrees.com. “It’s, like, summer year-round, so one of the biggest problems that Ethiopians face is the fact that it’s really, really bright. I mean, they’re in this warm, sunny country and then it’s like, ‘Whoa! I can’t see.’ Providing them with these sunglasses will help give their eyes a rest, both by shielding them from the sun and making everyone’s outfits down there a little less horrible.”

The scientists used Google to discover that sunglasses help block harmful sunlight. Furthermore, statistics show that people who wear Gucci sunglasses tend to make about $50,000 more per year than the average American.

Armed with this information, the United States government has set aside 85% of its Social Security funds to buy Gucci sunglasses for Ethiopians. The money will go toward the purchase, packaging, and delivery of the sunglasses. Those in charge of distributing the sunglasses have been warned to prepare for virgin offerings made by grateful natives and parades staged in their honor.

Gucci media coordinator Georgia Reynolds said her company is proud to serve the international community.

“Gucci has always been about helping the less fortunate,” Reynolds said via the hologram being transmitted from her private yacht. “We’re a caring company made up of individuals who care about people who need to be cared for.”

Polls show that public support is strong for this new policy.

“You know, just when I think the government doesn’t even understand the world’s problems, it goes and does something like this,” commented Mary Tracey, 42,

minivan-driving PTA coordinator and mother of four from Batesville, WI. “Did you know that when I heard about this project I realized I had pairs of designer sunglasses that I never even wear? But those poor Ethelopians don’t have any. I can’t even imagine.”

Not everyone is in favor of the aid package, however.

Coach CEO Gary Buluccicio is one such dissenter.

“Gucci is clearly the wrong company for the job,” Buluccicio said. “Their sunglasses are slightly inverted and pinch the nose. The last thing Ethiopians need is uncomfortable eyewear.”

Efforts to contact Ethiopians for comment have so far been unsuccessful, resulting in a new government effort to send over aid packages containing 500,000 smartphone chargers.

—I. Strauss A COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BRING PEACE TO THE MIDDLE EAST Ponies More hummus A fourth cup of tea NATO forces Making sure all self-identified ethnic, racial, and religious groups have nuclear capabilities (so no one feels left out) Sugar and spice and everything nice Explaining to the Israelis and Palestinians that they have been holding the Road Map to Peace upside down, and maybe they should make a pit stop at Denny’s while they figure out where they went wrong An evil dictator America can preemptively topple —A. Kristal

−I. Strauss

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−Y. Lee

DIARY OF A VERY SHELTERED INTERNATIONAL STUDENT Day 11: America is just so great! Today, my roommate took me out for a fine American dining experience at the Gourmet Heaven. At first I thought Americans had very strange ideas about what “gourmet” and “heaven” meant, but after my first bite of a “bacon, egg, and cheese,” I have changed my mind! It gets better, too! Tonight, my roommate will be taking me to a “frap party.” He thinks it’s my first time, but I snuck over to the local Starbucks to try one of these “fraps.” It was so delicious! I cannot wait for tonight!

Day 12: I had a wonderful time last night at the frap party, but I cannot figure out why they would mislead me into thinking I would be able to find a frappuccino in there.

Americans are so silly sometimes! Anyway, I had a blast!

At first I was a bit uncomfortable with how the girls at the frap house were dancing, but my roommate told me this “grinding” was an American dance performed in such settings, and encouraged me to participate. I was excited to learn more about this traditional American cultural dance for myself, so I approached a beautiful American girl, bowed low to indicate my intentions, and began “grinding” with her. She then poured the contents of her drink on my head! This confused me at first, but when I told her she had gotten me very wet, she just laughed and returned to her friends. Earlier, my roommate told me the key to getting girls in America is to make them laugh, so it looks like I’m going to be a big hit here!

Day 22: A few times so far, my roommate has put a tie on the door and asked me to sleep outside so he can “entertain” his girlfriend. I can only assume he is either a magician or a clown, for I cannot think of any other entertainers capable of evoking such varied sounds from

their audience. Last night, I asked if I could watch him entertain his girlfriend, and he seemed strangely offended!

I assume he was just being modest, so I plan to sneak in and catch a glimpse of the show for myself next time.

Day 53: After several weeks of intensive therapy and counseling, my roommate and I are finally able to look each other in the eyes again. I now know far more about American culture than I ever wished, and frankly, I am appalled. I no longer wish to socialize, or even attempt to integrate, and will henceforth commit myself to my studies alone! This will be my last diary entry at Yale, as I will be packing my bags tonight and transferring to a more temperate university, one where an ideal Friday evening is spent alone, in the dark corners of a library, and not engaged in such filth as my roommate calls “entertainment!” Yes, diary, I am quite excited to be transferring to this “Harvard!”

—V. Hall HANDY SPANISH PHRASES FOR DRUG RUNNERS Good day, officer. Here is my passport. / Buenos días, señor. Tengo mi pasaporte aquí.

You’re right – I was much more tan and bearded back then! / Tiene razón – ¡estaba mucho más bronceado y tenía una barba más grande entonces!

I would like to rent a large truck. / Querría aquilar un camión blindado grande.

Is cash okay? / ¿Puedo pagar en efectivo?

Let’s hollow out the seats. / Hagamos huecos en los asientos.

Nice to meet you, Jorge. You drive. / Conduce, Jorge. Eres menos importante para la misión.

I know it’s not on the map – trust me. / Sé que no está en el mapa – confía en mi.

Down this alley, quickly. / ¡Ándale, ándale!

Turn off the headlights and kill the engine. / Apaga las luces y mata el guardia.

That was too close for comfort. / ¡Hijo de puta!

Unload the cargo while I stand guard. / Descarga el cargo mientras estoy en guardia.

What do you mean, your cut? / ¿Qué significas, tu parte?

This is what you get for asking questions! / ¡Por eso, voy a castrarte y darles tus cojones a tus perros! ¡Y entonces, te mataré!

Sorry, boss. Jorge didn’t make it. / ¿Jorge? ¿Qué parte de Jorge?

—J. Newsham

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ADVENTURES VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS YET TO PURSUE Playing a rodeo clown in one of Russia’s controversial bear-riding competitions Synchronized swimming Strip chess with opposition leader Garry Kasparov Playing a wrestler in one of Russia’s controversial bearwrestling competitions Starring in an Old Spice commercial Teaming up with Kim Jong-Un for a game of vodka pong against the Clintons Pilates Playing a bear in one of Russia’s controversial Furry conventions Permitting his people to vote in a fair election —A. Gertler VIDEO GAME REVIEW: CALL OF DUTY: BASIC TRAINING Call of Duty: Basic Training begins in your home in Virginia. Your mother is crying, your father is proud, and you are about to take the bus to the military base where your life will change forever. You kiss your sister goodbye and hug your little brother. As you get on the bus, your dad says to you, “Son, make this country proud.”

As I started playing, a very similar scene was taking place in my own home in Virginia. My mom cried at the consequences that playing the game would have on my job prospects, whereas my dad told me to make him proud by winning the game, for, if only it had been around when he was younger, he wouldn’t have tried to get out of playing with the excuse that he had to get a decent job or a college education. No, he would have played. The deep emotional toll that it was taking on my family was already a source of concern, and I was barely past the tutorial.

Thus began Basic Training. For those who enjoy action, gunfire, explosions, and live combat, this part of the game is not for you. I crawled, climbed, ran, and jumped through several drills. Whenever I did something wrong in the game, I was required to do forced calisthenics in real life. It came damn well close to breaking me physically and emotionally, and I missed my family and girlfriend, but still I persevered.

One of the cool features of Call of Duty: Basic Training is that, through Xbox Live, players can cooperate with each other in real time. My fellow soldiers in Basic Training were real people wearing Xbox headsets. Yes,

we came from vastly different spheres of the American upper-middle class gaming community, but through shared experience (I’ll always remember the time our drill sergeant made us stand at attention for two straight hours) and hardship (we had some really finicky Internet connections), we managed to set aside our differences and grew so close that we would have given our lives for one another. I began to look upon them as my family, much to the chagrin of my real family.

But it would be a long time before the game ended. I was deployed. I spent a year in constant terror, watching the comrades I had grown to love fall at the hands of an unseen enemy in the game, and their real life counterparts get sick of the game and stop playing, or play with other people who weren’t quite as intense as I was. I was shaken to the bone, and will never forget the last words Tomtom said to me. “Jasper… I think I’m gonna play Halo now.” I find that no one can truly understand what I’ve gone through, except those who have played the game themselves.

When it finally ended, I emerged from my darkened living room feeling no real sense of victory, only a numb and uncertain guilt and relief at having survived. I then returned to a society that had moved on without me, and had no accommodations for someone who had seen what I had seen. All in all, this game took up too much of my time, was emotionally taxing, and was definitely not worth the 60 dollars or the incalculable cost of war.

—N. Weinstein

Putin on the Ritz

—S. Katz.

New Haven’s oldest, biggest and best bike shop Come see us in our new downtown location at 151 Orange Street

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ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA! DIARRHETIC ART HISTORIAN MORE CONCERNED WITH BOWEL MOVEMENT THAN IMPRESSIONIST MOVEMENT Dear Timmy, YOU SHALL NOT PASS WIND!!!

—Gandalf the Grey, at an etiquette seminar Dear Flower Lady, Why yes, I would like to buy a flower.

But did you know that this dollar bill is worthless? Here, have a gold doubloon.

And here’s a pocket Constitution for good measure.

Thank you for paying attention to me, Ron Paul

Dear tiger mothers, If you’re so superior, why are you going extinct?

—Human mothers Dear mankind, What the hell is fruitcake? It’s, like, the worst gift ever. Someone tried to sacrifice a fruitcake to me the other day.

I freaking broke a molar. I know, I gave you guys a whole world of materials to make stuff with and told you to get creative. But you can bet your Buddhist pandas that I never, ever wanted anyone to make fruitcake.

—God

BASKETBALL GAME STOPPED TO PUMP UP DEFLATED EGO

WORLD’S WORST IMPROV GROUP PLAYS “WORLD’S WORST” Dear world, Wow! Look at all this sunshine! I’m so glad there are all these trees and flowers and people around. I’m just going to explore everything and meet everyone today!

—A hermit in denial Dear architects, I know there are spiral staircases, but why stop there? Why not spherical staircases, or tetrahedral staircases, or dodecahedral staircases? The possibilities are endless!

Sincerely, An overenthusiastic geometry teacher with only a rudimentary understanding of how staircases work

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CONSTIPATED MATHEMATICIAN WORKS IT OUT WITH A PENCIL Dear goodness, Stop taking the credit for my work!

—God

Fine Indian Cuisine “A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644 www.zaroka.com

Egg donor needed. Donor must be willing to have sex with me and bear my children.

Call 203-555-4972.

Dear Dirty Dancing, After my wife watched you, she kept telling me that “nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Well, where else am I supposed to put the baby when I have to go do something? Corners are the most convenient because she gets confused by the two walls meeting, and then it takes her longer to figure it out and crawl away. Now, thanks to you, I had to put my baby on the roof while I was cleaning out the cat litter, and of course she fell off and died.

Thanks for nothing, Jorge

THE OLDEST

OFFICIAL YALE SHOP

ON CAMPUS

STUDIES SHOW THAT WITH PAINFUL ENOUGH TORTURE TECHNIQUES, YOU CAN MAKE A HORSE DRINK Hey baby, Wanna hear a joke? Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he broke up with you! Hey-ooo! But seriously, it’s over.

No longer yours, David Dear Generation Y, What happened to you, man? You were supposed to be this big, new thing with crazy fads and music. But look at you now! You’re nothing. Nobody even remembers who you are anymore.

—Generation Y staring into a mirror

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

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Zoi’s

Local breakfast & lunch café

s Zoi’ Orange on

We Cater Hours: Monday - Thursday 7 am - 6 pm Friday Saturday 7am - 3 pm

7:30 am - 1:30 pm

338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735

White sitcom protagonist seeks ethnic best friend.

GLOBAL ZERO CONTINUES TO STRIVE FOR A WORLD WITHOUT GLOBES Dear Wikipedia, I know I clicked “random article,” but did you seriously think I would be interested in the National Organization of Social Security Claimants’ Representatives? Come on! What kind of loser do you think I am?

Sincerely, George Johnson, Intern, National Organization of Social Security Claimants’ Representatives

PANDA EXPRESS NOT A SERVICE FOR RECEIVING MAIL ORDER PANDAS, DISAPPOINTED ZOO CURATOR FINDS Dear letter C, C’mon, bro, you hung out with that E last week! I’s before E’s, man.

—The letter I

Dear Mom, Don’t get me wrong. Peek-a-boo is a great game, and you play it as well as anyone. But I’m nearly two years old, and I’ve understood basic principles of reality for months now. I know you’re just hiding your face behind that blanket. Now, how about some chess?

Your sweetie pie, Charles

MAN ACCUSED OF LIVING UNDER A ROCK FOR THE PAST DECADE SAYS HE “LIVED IN A CAVE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH” Dear Gregory, Really? You still can’t believe it’s not butter? It’s not even imitation butter; it’s a pair of tweezers!

—Susan Dear September, Your days are numbered.

—Calendars

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Kim Jong-un 8642371472 Relationship Status: Highly devoted single father of my country Looking for: A serious relationship with a woman who has access to nuclear weapons (or international aid packages) From: North Korea Age: 29 years old Me and my Boyz II Men Cover Band

Core Personality Traits (Color Code) Kim Jong-un is RED

About me: Occupation: Supreme Leader of North Korea Education: I was a Physics and WGSS double major at Bryn Mawr Smoking habits: Cuban cigars

RED 100% (POWER)

Drinking habits: Only to the death of South Korea

WHITE 0% (FIDELITY)

Do you keep kosher?: Almost always, except for on my feast day

YELLOW 0% (FUN)

Likes: Long walks along the DMZ, curling up with a good comedy like the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, playing keytar in my Boyz II Men cover band

BLUE 0% (INTIMACY) Core Motive:

POWER

Written by Staff Designed by S. Shea

Synagogue: Beth-el Circumcised?: N/A How do you prefer to spend the Sabbath?: Holding an international press conference with a few close girlfriends while getting ready to hit up the UN

The Yale Record and Ezra Stiles College present:

eph Jacques

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Ezra Stiles College Master’s House April 12th, 2012 4:00 pm