The First-Year Issue

Vol. 149, No. 1

THE YALE

Sept. 5, 2020

RECORD

“The Nation’s Oldest Humor Magazine” or

“The Nation’s Most Humorous Old Magazine” Join us.

chair@yalerecord.org

QUARANTINE WIN! I TOOK THREE SHITS TODAY WITHOUT LEAVING THE BED

Dear Cheyenne,

I’m not into all that. Here’s my idea: just Talk Dirty to me.

Whatcha Say? Cheers, Jason Derulo

Dear Jason Derulo,

I’m confused. Do you Want to Want Me? Here’s what I’m envisioning: you Pull-Up, Try Me, Get Ugly, and Love Me Down. I fear that Love Like That is the only thing that would keep me from going emotionally Broke because of my Painkiller addition. Please say yes. I need this. I need to Trade Hearts with you.

Lustily, Cheyenne

YOUR AD CAN’T GO HERE CLEARLY THIS SPOT’S TAKEN, DUMBASS

ONLY 90S KIDS REMEMBER THIS! 1996.

Dear Taco Bell,

It’s your good buddy, Pizza Hut. I don’t know how to say this, so I think we should go our separate ways.

I feel like I’m not an individual chain, like we have become a package deal.

When people think Pizza Hut, they think Taco Bell too. I need space. I want an independent location. We can still share the customers. I’ll take them in the afternoon, and you can take them at 2:30 in the morning.

My sincerest apologies, Pizza Hut

Dear Pizza Hut,

You seem to forget how you got to where you are. I am the single reason for your success, you are a product of my reputation. Go ahead, try going on your own. You know that you’re everybody’s second choice, a last resort for when my line is too long. Besides, I’ve been seeing Little Caesars on the side anyway. Do what you want, but don’t come crying to me. So long, Pizza Hut. —Taco Bell

THIS COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING: DR. ANTHONY FAUCI’S GROUNDBREAKING RESEARCH SUGGESTS THAT A POSITIVE TEST FOR COVID-19 MAY BE A SYMPTOM OF CORONAVIRUS

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THE NEW MARCO POLO? YELL “MARCO” IN THE LOCAL LIBRARY AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO YELL “SHUT THE FUCK UP”

Dear Animal Crossing Fan,

Attached are two tickets to our next convention. Dress code detailed below. Merry quarantine!

Sincerely, Furry Community

Dear Furry Community,

Am I a furry if I find Animal Crossing characters sexually attractive?

REPORT: ABSOLUTE LOSER AT PARTY WON’T TRY DRUGS BECAUSE “IT TORE APART THE ONLY FAMILY HE’S EVER HAD”

With concern, Animal Crossing Fan

HAS FREE SPEECH GONE TOO FAR? THAT ASSHOLE PETER UNMUTED HIMSELF DURING SPANISH CLASS

Dear UN Security Council,

Dear Animal Crossing Fan,

WHO DO I CALL NOW? THE GHOSTBUSTERS ARE THREATENING TO PURSUE LEGAL ACTION IF I KEEP DEMANDING THAT THEY DISINTEGRATE MY TINDER MATCH WHO STOPPED RESPONDING

That depends. What do you find attractive about them?

Sincerely, Furry Community

FEMINISM WIN! THIS MISOGYNIST HAS A MOTHER Dear Furry Community,

I just can’t get over Tom Nook’s dreamy eyes. It’s as if each time I visit his little shop, his iridescent irises encapsulate me in this pulsing aura of warmth. His tail drives me crazy with how it just hangs there, limp, unaroused. I could arouse it.

He’d say something like, “The kids might hear.” I’d reply, “Let them.” So what do you think?

Sincerely, Animal Crossing Fan

How you gonna secure dis ass?

Sincerely, Jim

Dear Jim,

We take security threats very seriously. As of 10:34 AM, we have unanimously approved sanctions against your bottom. We recommend you surrender.

Sincerely, The UN Security Council

A GROUP OF SCIENTISTS JUST FOUND A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE PADDINGTON: PADDINGTON 2

T he T C he orporate merica F irst -YA ear I ssueI ssue Dear UN Security Council,

Sorry couldn’t hear you over the clap clap clap of my illustrious cheeks.

Love, Jim

HALF JOKES FTW: Dear Pepto Bismol,

Hey babe. Whatcha doin’ Friday night at 8? Was thinking we could maybe go down to Rick’s acid reflux center and get hot and heavy...

With love, Tums

DOCTOR’S HATE HIM! THIS MAN IS A DOCTOR’S SON

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Dear Tums,

Oooh hey sexy thang. Can’t wait to see you there. I heard Rick and his girlfriend were getting Indian food and you know how he gets about curry. Can’t wait for you to bubble up inside me. You make me feel fizzy. See you tonight ;) Yours, Pepto Bismol

SOPHOMORES HATE THEM! EVERYONE ELSE

Check out our website, yalerecord.org, for more hilarious content!

Obituary Correction The Editorial Board would like to apologize for an erroneous obituary in a previous issue of the magazine. The issue misreported that Ethel and Julius Rosenberg were executed by electric chair following their conviction of espionage at the height of the Cold War. The Rosenbergs actually died of a brief stomach illness after eating some bad egg salad that had been left out for a few days.

FOR SALE: Single-use N95 mask. Like new, except for a few brown stains and one large hole.

— A. Taranto

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F irst -Y ear I ssue I ssue T heTChe orporate A merica Dear Fourth Floor Suite,

When I got my room assignment, I wasn’t excited about you. But I finally realized you’ve had my back all along...or at least my legs.

That’s right. You’ve done good work for these drumsticks. When I think about how much I love you, I feel the same way I do when I climb all those stairs— breathless. When my ex left me, he said, “I won’t miss anything about you, except dem calves.” I said, “Really? I always thought they were a turn off because they looked like Henry VIII in that goddamn painting.” And he said, “But I’m an art history major.” So now, I’m off to roam this sexy ass world and sex up some other sexy hot bods who love my chonky ass quads. I guess, all that’s left to say is thank you, Fourth Floor Suite. Mama don’t need no ThighMaster with you around.

With love, Your Humble Occupant

YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED: I BOUGHT YOU A CALENDAR. Dear Mafia,

Hey! I’m doing a project on JFK, and I heard you guys might be responsible for his death. I was wondering if you’d like to offer any info! My fifth grade teacher Mrs. Greenburg would really appreciate the effort I put into my paper!

Love, Talia

AHEAD OF ITS TIME? THE BRADY BUNCH TITLE CARD WAS ACTUALLY JUST ALL OF THE ACTORS IN A ZOOM MEETING

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Dear Talia,

Ciao. While we really appreciate fanmail, though we wonder how in Christ’s name you got our address, we cannot offer any info because we are in fact a secret crime organization. We won’t comment on JFK either. You know we actually have more important things to do than communicate with a freaking fifth grader. In fact, we’re talking to Scorsese about making another movie. You thought The Irishman was long? Just wait until we tell you the untold history of Guido Linguini! Then you’ll see a long movie you motherfuckers!

Fuck you, The Mafia

BEING THE BIGGER MAN: I BEAT UP KIDS BECAUSE I’M TALL

— A. Mitchell

Emmy Waldman ‘11

O

kay, I know what you’ve been thinking for the past few months: “Kaylee Walsh, Editor-in-Chief of the Yale Record, and the most beautiful, funny, and humble person ever to walk the face of the earth, how are you so gracefully juggling the responsibilities of running the world’s oldest college humor magazine in the midst of a global pandemic?”

First of all, I appreciate that even with the backdrop of the pandemic, an approaching presidential election, and the thrills of starting college, you have not lost sight of what’s most important—me. You know how hard it must be for me to stay focused and continue to make you laugh in this consistently disappointing world. And I won’t lie, it hasn’t been easy, knowing how much pressure is on me to deliver happiness to everyone in the entire world, but I’m pressing on, and you all should do the same.

In the past few months, I’ve had my fair share of setbacks that made me fear for the worst. One time my Wi-Fi went out during a Record Zoom meeting, right in the middle of my important announcement about everything I had eaten in the past week. I thought it was all over. I thought that, by the time I joined back in, someone else would have assumed the throne of Editor-in-Chief, and that they would already be wearing my iconic diamond-encrusted crown and bathing in the blood of a ritually sacrificed virgin. I knew this was far from what the world needed. At a time like this, the world simply could not handle the toppling of an unparalleled comedic genius such as myself.

Nevertheless, when I rejoined the meeting, my throne was waiting patiently for me.

Sure, there were several attempted coups during my sixteen-second absence, but none were successful, as the stronghold of the Record staff fought to protect me. In fact, my power was stronger than ever. In perhaps the most critical sixteen seconds in human history, our staff got a glimpse of just how bleak the Record would be without me, and they knew they never wanted to go back.

T he T C he orporate merica F irst -YA ear I ssueI ssue But a few days later, I thought the integrity of the Record was in jeopardy once again. During my nightly Zoom call with Jerry Seinfeld, when I regularly teach him the fundamentals of observational comedy, I started to feel a tickle in my throat.

The tickle got worse and worse, and I eventually let out a single, horrifying cough. Jerry and I were both speechless. We feared that I too had finally been afflicted with the SARS-CoV-2. I didn’t know how I could possibly have the virus, because even I know how to swallow my pride and self-isolate in order to protect the health of my community. Thankfully, my butler was able to bring me a home test kit and graciously stuck the swab up my nostrils. It was just a false alarm, but I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if I did test positive. How would the Record—nay, how would the world survive if I was sidelined by this horrible, enigmatic virus?

Despite all these obstacles, I’ve still found a way to pull it together and present to you the 2020 First-Year Issue. I only hope that my story of successfully overcoming the odds can be an inspiration for you as you begin your first year at Yale.

You may not be as important or worthy of attention as I am, but you still have your own problems, and I guess that’s valid.

Maybe your personal butler fell ill, and now you bear new responsibilities, like hiring a new butler. Maybe your favorite baseball player has elected to sit out this season, and now you have to offer him a few more million dollars than you originally intended. Maybe your Grab-N-Go chicken from Yale dining is a little dry, and now you have to look at the Union League Café menu and decide whether you want duck confit or lobster pappardelle tonight. Trust me, I know how hard it can be out Harry Rubin ’21 Chair

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there, and that’s why I knew I had to continue making relatable comedic content.

But I too am conscious of my own shortcomings, and that’s why I employed the help of my staff, or as I like to call them, my “in-school butlers,” to create this edition of the Record and make you feel a little more comfortable at Yale. On the following pages, you will learn how to find love with your FroCo, so you won’t be the next virgin we sacrifice. You will learn how to do your own laundry, because you can’t bring your butler to college, at least not during a pandemic. You will learn about the classes you can take, the people you will meet, and how to look cool on campus, but not cool enough to upstage me. This issue will paint a picture of Yale to get you excited for the years to come. Your Bulldog Days may have been cancelled, but all hope is not lost, because you have me to tell you everything you need to know.

And don’t be intimidated! I may be the only person in the world who is able to keep the genre of comedy as we know it afloat, but you’d be surprised to learn how much you and I have in common. At my core, I’m just another Yalie who has learned from my thousands of successes and my one failure (the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill). If you want to find me, and also get involved with an amazing publication and an even better group of people, I encourage you to join the Yale Record at our meetings every Monday at 9PM. Just don’t try to talk over me.

It won’t end well for you.

— K. Walsh

Editor in Chief

Kaylee Walsh ’22 Editor in Chief

David Hou ’22 Online Editor in Chief

Will Cramer ’22 Publisher

Clio Rose ’23 Online Managing Editor

Joe Wickline ’23 Online Managing Editor

Jonas Kilga ’23 Managing Editor

Diana Kulmizev ’23 Managing Editor

Sam Leone ’23 Managing Editor

Zuri Goodman ’22 Webmaster

Raja Moreno ’23 Webmaster

Zosia Caes ’22 Copy Editor

Ayla Jeddy ’23 Design Editor

Avery Mitchell ’23 Design Editor

Ellen Qian ’23 Design Editor

Alex Taranto ’23 Art Director

Bea Portela ’23 Staff Director

Jacob Eldred ’23 Business Manager

Madelyn Blaney ’21 Old Owl

Rosa Chang ’22 Old Owl

Caleb Cohen ’21 Old Owl

Ethan Fogarty ’21 Old Owl

Sarah Force ’21 Old Owl

Luna Garcia ’22 Old Owl

David “Davey” McCowin ’21 Old Owl

Marcy Sanchez ’21 Old Owl

Maya Sanghvi ’22 Old Owl

Amanda Thomas ’21 Old Owl

Staff: Colin Baciocco ’21 Raffael Davila ’23 Finn Gibson ’23 Andrew Kornfeld ’23 Jason Salvant ’23

Addison Beer ’23 Paige Davis ’21 Dory Johnson ’23 Jamie Large ’21 Lucy Santiago ’23

Erik Boesen ’23 Lucy Del Alamo ’23 Lindsay Jost ’21 Zoe Larkin ’23 Helen Tejada ’23 Jocelyn Wexler ’21

Tilly Brooks ’23 Juan Diego Casallas ’23 Alex Kane ’22 Kyle Mazer ’22 Katia Vanlandingham ’23 Alec Zbornak ’21

Avery Brown ’23 Ryan Fuentes ’22 Sam Karp ’22 Simi Olurin ’23 Amrita Vetticaden ’23

Marty Chandler ’21 Shirshak Gautam ‘23 Jacob Kaufman-Shalett ’23 Eva Quittman ’23 Miguel Von Fedak ’23

Special thanks to: FroCos for telling us to “join a club” and then watching us turn around and write jokes about them.

Front Cover: Alice Mao ‘24, who had not been in a Yale dorm but somehow already knew there are monsters under the beds (@alicemaoart) Back Cover: Avery Mitchell ‘23, who loves to hang out with her home dawgs (@avery_bo_bavery) Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLIX, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2020 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

HOW TO DATE A FROCO, BY A FROCO Look, I know we took an oath never to date a firstyear. But then again, Lyndon Johnson promised not to send us to war and that gave us Vietnam. What you say and what you do are worlds apart. So I’ll admit it— if you’re a first-year and you work hard enough, your FroCo will probably fuck you. But you’ll have to be smart about it. Here’s my advice to get inside from the inside.

Get on your FroCo’s good side. Everyone knows that we FroCos are weird people. No one in their right mind takes pleasure in lecturing alcoholic teenagers on the dangers of drinking and demonstrating how to use a dental dam for someone who had braces under a year ago. So in order to make your FroCo like you, you have to match their weirdness. Bring a human-sized teddy bear to your first FroCo meeting and introduce it as your friend Paul. Say your legal name is Jeremy but you like to go by Nikita Khrushchev for short because it’s more in touch with your eccentric side.

Give your FroCo a sloppy kiss on the mouth and say that’s just how you do it in Ocean City. You get the gist.

Drop a few hints. Great, you’ve established rapport.

Now it’s time to make your real intentions known.

Drop the lanyard that you’re still wearing four weeks into classes because, well, you’re a weirdo, and bend over slowly while picking it up. Make sure to keep eye contact with your FroCo while doing so. Wiggle your butt a little if you’re sure no one is watching.

FroCos are suckers for that.

Romance them at family dinner. FroCos love their weekly “family dinner,” so this is the perfect time to make yourself stand out. In order to really wow them, grab a table in the middle of the dining hall, set out candles, and serenade them with “That’s Amore.”

FroCos love Dean Martin.

Go in for the kill. You and your FroCo both know you want each other, but the desire is unspoken. Tell them you’re having trouble picking your classes and you need their help. It might be October but they’re probably too horny to notice at this point. Mention a class that you’re really hoping to get into. The class is called “Advanced Sex.” Your FroCo looks you in the eyes. Everything you’ve worked for for the last months has been leading up to this moment. You kiss passionately, and you live happily ever after.

Keep it a secret. Do not, under any circumstances, tell anyone. Marvin Chun has his ears everywhere, and as much as we love the classic Shakespearean experience of forbidden love, we need to keep our fucking jobs.

—J. Kilga

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A.P. U.S. HISTORY FACTS TO PROVE YOU GOT IN ON MERIT AND MERIT ALONE George W. Bush’s paternal grandfather, Prescott Bush, also served as a U.S. senator. He died before I was born, but people say I look just like him.

George W. Bush’s family is the only First Family in American history to have twins. People say that Jenna is nicer, but I enjoy Barbara’s company more.

George W. Bush was also a cheerleader during his time at Yale. I am excited to follow in his footsteps.

George W. Bush’s second State of the Union Address was the first one in American history to be broadcast live on the internet, but it was also really good in person.

George started unpopular wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, but his sweet potato casserole is certainly pretty popular at Thanksgiving.

George owned the Texas Rangers in the early 90’s, and he built a special baseball stadium for them right next to my house.

George W. Bush has been criticized for his response to the devastation following Hurricane Katrina, but the rain boots he bought me for Christmas were honestly kind of great.

Uncle George was the first governor to serve four consecutive terms, and he was also the first person to drop me on my head when I was a baby.

—A. Jeddy PLACES YOU CAN GET INTO WITH YOUR YALE I.D. The Zeta basement Skull and Bones The Pentagon Fort Knox Atlantis Wakanda The made-up Greek island from Mamma Mia Hogwarts Narnia Heaven Hell Bass Library —Staff

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“JUST TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT THOUGHT FOR A SECOND,” REPORTS FIRST-YEAR SEMINAR STUDENT, ABOUT TO PIGGYBACK OFF THAT THOUGHT FOR A SECOND

By C. COHEN NEW HAVEN, CT — When Alex McNeil JE ‘24 began shopping his first-year seminar, “Art of the Science of the Modern Technology of Public Policy and Health,” he knew that in order to contribute to class discussions, he would need to overcome the obstacle of “not knowing anything at all.” McNeil thus pioneered a method of reiterating classmates’ observations under the guise of expanding upon their claims. He put the technique into practice Tuesday, announcing that he was “just going to piggyback off that last point for a quick second.”

“I really found my niche in class when I started paraphrasing other, smarter students’ comments to give the illusion of meaningful contribution,” said McNeil. “Yale really isn’t so hard when you just give it somebody else’s all.”

While some classmates have embraced McNeil’s technique, and, in the true spirit of piggybacking, coopted it as their own, others have expressed frustration.

“Whenever Alex says he’s about to piggyback off what was just said for a second, we know he’s not going to bring any new insights to the table,” said Daniel Baron, a fellow first-year. “He’s just wasting our time with inane redundancy.”

“Yeah and just to go off that point, I totally agree with Daniel’s description of how I piggy- back off other people’s thoughts,” responded McNeil after holding his hand in the air for the duration of Baron’s comment. “This has kind of already been said but I guess I was just going to say that my classmates seem frustrated when I paraphrase their earlier comments and thus squander their time with superfluity.”

When reached for comment, McNeil’s professor Jane Cruz said that it would be improper and wholly unprofessional for her to disparage the contributions of any individual student in her class. “All I can really say,” continued Cruz, “is that I’d rather listen to Alex McNeil regurgitate others’ ideas than be subject to his original thought, although my first choice would be to never hear his whiny, idiot voice say anything at all.”

BEST BEST TWO TWO TRUTHS TRUTHS AND AND A A LIE LIE COMBOS COMBOS FOR YOUR FROCO MEETINGS Icebreakers with your FroCo group can be tough—you want to put your best foot forward, but sometimes it’s hard to know what to say! If you’re in a jam, try any of these neat options that put the “FUN” in “fun fact,” and become the life of your mandatory socialization meeting!

(1) I’m related to Martin Luther King Jr. (2) I’m related to Martin Luther.

(3) I’m related to Luther from Zeke and Luther.

True: 2 and 3. Anyone see that show? On Nickelodeon?

Anyway, that dude’s my son.

(1) I had so much sex in high school that everyone called me Dr. Sex Haver!

(2) The nickname was pretty clearly ironic.

(3) I was bullied in high school.

True: I don’t want to talk about it.

(1) I got into Yale because my grandfather “took care of ” the admissions committee and board of trustees.

(2) I know where the real Peter Salovey is buried.

(3) I got into Yale because I just showed up on orientation day and they gave me an ID and a dorm key. I didn’t even apply— it’s a loophole that I’m surprised nobody’s corrected yet.

True: 1 and 2. Old Campus under the tallest tree. Some secrets are best left buried.

(1) I love lasagna!

(2) I hate Mondays!

(3) On my grandfather’s deathbed, he told me that he contract-killed JFK, which sounds insane except he lived in Dallas at the time and never told me how he made all his money, which used to come in monthly installments on official CIA checks, and now I’m terrified that knowing about it puts a target on MY back, and it’s only a matter of time before I become yet another casualty of our broken intelligence system.

True: 2 and 3. Mondays are the worst!

(1) This sentence is false.

(2) That sentence was true.

(3) You’re all probably complicit in the JFK thing now, so don’t be surprised if you don’t make it through the semester.

This was fun! I had fun.

True: I mean, really, who’s to say?

— J. Wickline Design by A. Mitchell

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RICH KIDS’ GUIDE FOR DOING LAUNDRY FOR THE FIRST TIME Let’s face it — you know what it means to work hard.

A critically acclaimed author? Valedictorian at your prep school? Born into incomprehensible wealth? I mean, what can you say? Success comes naturally. But, now you’ll have to step it up for your biggest challenge to date— doing your own goddamn laundry. So, what do you do when you enter the laundry room and your butler isn’t there? First things first, let’s run over some basic laundry theory.

It’s a fairly popular misconception that every time you wear an article of clothing, it is replaced with a new set of clothes. It’s a harsh reality to face, but the laundry you find nicely folded in your closet on Tuesday mornings is the same laundry you give away on Monday night. And what makes these clothes magically clean? There are two important contraptions — washing machines and dryers. You may have never seen one of these weird blocks before, but you’ll soon learn how powerful they can be. Simply insert a Tide Pod (yeah, like from the meme!) and your clothes will be good as new. No expedited order from Saks Fifth Avenue necessary!

To maintain that blue collar appeal, you’ll want to look like you know what you’re doing. In this case, I would recommend a discrete call to your mother. Try coding your questions like you’re on the phone with a real average Joe. For example, “Should I use a gasket to partition the flow from the main?” will protect your image far more than the obvious, “Can I put whites and colors in the same load?”

Most importantly, always remember to turn your Choate sweater inside out, hiding the logo from any onlookers.

Now you’re all set to walk down to the laundry room and try it out for yourself. This might involve a concept known as “using stairs,” which would likely be covered at a more advanced level of laundry theory. Things might not be easy the first time around, so be prepared with an alibi for why it took you four hours to do laundry. Try to use a genuine middle class talking point like “traffic” or “in this economy?” Just act natural, and no one will ever suspect that it was your butler dressed as you the entire time.

—S. Leone

—P. Davis

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TIPS TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR SUITEMATES BUT NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM Are you non-confrontational and deeply introverted?

Did your dean pair you with nice but not friendship-worthy suitemates? Are you treading that fine line between being cordial and actually developing relationships? We’ve all been there. So we’ve compiled some foolproof tips to ensure that you can feel comfortable in your suite, but under no circumstances should your suitemates think it’s okay to call you their “friend.”

Avoid going out together. Just don’t do it. If you go out together, the next step is going home together, and then you may as well put a rubber band on your wrist to hold back Laney’s hair when she’s puking after drinking too much. Only friends do that.

Avoid “common room time”. Perhaps the most important thing to do when avoiding suite friendships is to stay away from the common room couch. This is where sleep deprived and lonely suitemates congregate to talk about “feelings”, and leech onto the first person to walk in the door. If you want to avoid hearing about how Rajesh is really missing home, and how the transition to college has been really hard, just pretend to be talking on the phone when you walk in. In fact, if you can help it, never set foot in the common room at all— that’s where they reel you into a healthy, necessary, caring bond, and we don’t want that.

Avoid getting meals. You’re going to have to be careful who you eat with. When it comes to your suitemates, some meals are safer than others. Breakfast is ideal, because nobody is expected to talk during this meal. You can walk down together and then pull out your computer at the table and it’s totally socially acceptable. But no matter what, never let them near you at lunch or dinner. These are prime “talking about your day” times, and you can’t make them think you care about how their classes went or what they spoke to their mom about. You might have to go to a different dining hall, or just snack on the stash of hardboiled eggs in your room, but it will all be worth it to avoid the slight chance your suitemates see you and start pulling up chairs.

Avoid making friends altogether. If you start making friends outside of your suite, your suitemates will see that you are capable of developing an emotional connection and might seize the opportunity to foster a relationship with you.

You can’t risk letting your suitemates get even the tiniest glimpse of your vulnerability and humanity. Just engage with your peers as little as possible, and you’ll be well on your way to living the empty, solitary college lifestyle of your dreams.

— M. Sanghvi

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YALE LAUNCHES CHENEY GRANT FOR EXCEPTIONAL FOREIGN SERVICE

By S. LEONE NEW HAVEN, CT — Peter Salovey announced in an email on Wednesday the establishment of the Cheney Grant for Exceptional Foreign Service, which will be available beginning with the class of 2024. Named for Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney, who briefly attended Yale before dropping out, the grant will be offered to first-years considering a major in Global Affairs with preference given to those interested in asserting global dominance through violations of the Geneva Convention.

The scholarship includes travel expenses, food, and of course, a small Eastern European nation of the applicant’s choosing. Recipients of the scholarship are expected to visit their chosen country in the summer before their sophomore year and meet with some of its most eminent leaders. These leaders, in turn, will launch a coup against the sitting government and appoint the scholarship recipient to the post of military dictator, putting at the recipient’s disposal the militia, armaments, and natural resources of an entire nation. With these new tools at their disposal, recipients are expected to gain a new appreciation for different forms of government and for ignoring the struggles of the proletariat.

“Most of our courses here at Yale focus on theories of government and diplomacy, whereas this scholarship aims to teach students the applied skills of foreign service like assassinating enemies of the state and leveraging the world’s largest supply of Zirconium against other governments,” Salovey explained in the email. “This is the future of foreign service, inspired by the hard work of Vice President Cheney, and it’s just another example of why the Yale experience is unparalleled.”

In order to apply, applicants must submit their transcripts and write a 350 word essay on why their divine power and theirs alone is the true will of God. Applications are then placed in Peter Salovey’s personal furnace, and whoever’s flame burns with the might of a thousand suns will become emperor. The second place winner will receive an all expenses paid trip to Aruba.

—P. Davis I CAN’T WAIT TO GET DINNER WITH MY FROCO GROUP EVERY SUNDAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE Man! College sure is going great! I’m only a week in and I already know that me and the seven other people in my FroCo group are going to be friends for life! We just have so much in common— we all have a FroCo named Rachel and we’re all in Trumbull College— it’s absolutely perfect! Our 9 pm FroCo meetings are such a great bonding experience. When we played “Rose, Bud, Thorn,” and Tiffany told us about how she was stressed about getting into the good Math 120 class, I felt like she was sharing something deeply personal with us.

I don’t know about you all, but my “bud” is the fact that we’re going to be having dinner with each other, every Sunday at 6pm, until we die. I can’t wait to be invited to all of their weddings and bond over old memories of Duty nights. Playing Settlers of Catan with Mike and Rachel will be one of my most cherished college memories. Screw parties and frats! The real banger was when Rachel’s FroCo group watched To All The Boys I Loved Before in the FroCo suite common room. In fact, we’re so close I think we should consider a polyamourous marriage! I’ll never love anyone the way that I love the seven people I was randomly selected to spend my college orientation with!

Last Sunday, though, I saw Katie sitting with people in Martin’s FroCo group instead of ours. I wasn’t too worried, because destiny always finds a way, and soon enough she’ll realize that her true FroCo group soulmates are sitting at the corner table. See you next Sunday, Katie!

—D. Kulmizev

T he F irst Y ear I ssue

OPINION: FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE JUST LIKE THE REST OF US As we live through our first fall without football since 1871, it is more important than ever to remember that football players are students just like the rest of us. They live among us as vital members of the Yale community, scooting around on those little blue razor scooters of theirs, full of youthful fervor and imagination.

Why must we feel different from them? What is it that sets these football players apart from us? Is it their Yale-branded Under Armour backpacks? Nay, for anyone with a SquadLocker account and a few hundred to spare can customize their own. Is it their thick necks? Nay, for the heads of the obese too sit atop girthy trunks, albeit softer than those of our athletic counterparts. Is it their dinner of choice, five chicken breasts on a tiny plate? Probably, but why is it so hard to set aside these differences and come together as one?

Football might seem daunting to us NARPs (non athletic regular persons) and DOOFUSES (dumpy, ordinary, oily-faced underachieving sedentary extreme schlubs), but it is nothing more than an extracurricular activity for these student-athletes. They sit in the same classes as us. They complete the same work. Only afterwards, as we spend our afternoons with our fluids lab partners piecing together little Star Wars things at Lego club, they spend their afternoons using their large muscles to pick up heavy weights so they can have even larger muscles.

Comparing ourselves to these heavy men, we must remember one thing— no matter what, the most important muscle is the brain. Though we shrimpy nerds slink through office hours like the disgusting prokaryotes we are while those statuesque gladiators tackle their way right into the hearts of our crushes, we are all the same on the inside (aside from their bigger lungs, stronger bones, kind of just all around better internal organs). No matter how many Oklahoma drills mash their brains into applesauce, they will always have that famous Yale brain, just like you, and it’s about time we treat them accordingly.

So make friends with a football player now— you’d be surprised to learn that you might have one, or possibly even two, things in common. Plus, once football returns and they return to their magical bubble of athletic competition, you might not have the chance.

—H. Rubin

13

THE PEOPLE YOU’LL MEET IN YOUR FIRST-YEAR RESIDENCE HALL The one who’s in DS The one who will end up majoring in Econ The other one who will end up majoring in Econ The one who wets the bed The one who wets your bed The one whose bed you wet The one who doesn’t pick up their feet when they walk The one who drinks water by putting their entire mouth around the opening of the water fountain The uncle you did not invite The family of rats you did invite The one with the live-in girlfriend The one with the really long neck The one with the really wide neck The one who thinks they’re funny because they always make Friends references —Staff

—K. van Landingham

2020

Yale

2021

Blue Book

Fall Term, 2020 Published by the Yale University Press ©Petey Pete Salovey All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America 150th Edition 2020, pbk.

IBSN: 1-800-GOFUCK-YRSELF-HA Designer & Edited by: Yr mom Also available as a webpage at yale.sis.org

ARCG 335/FILM 412: The Ethics of Indiana Jones 5 Professor Krystal Scuhl Th 3:30-5:20

EDST 288: People I Know Named Ed Professor Ed Edison T-Th 1:30-2:20, Th 7-7:50

Exploring the various schools of thought and how they relate to whether or not Indiana Jones 5 is just the worst fucking idea. Students will be responsible for synthesizing that the first three movies were pretty good with the fact that George Lucas isn’t writing it anymore and Harrison Ford is getting pretty old.

An introduction to the field of Ed Studies. Various case studies of people named Ed to answer the question of what Edness means in America and how Ed solidarity can be practiced. Includes Thursday night screenings of “Ed, Edd, n Eddy.”

Priority to Eds and possibly a few Teds.

ASTR 386: Flex-Your-Math Skills Astronomy Professor Bette Erdenu MWF 11:35-12:25

EE&E 200: Introduction to Economics, Ergonomics, and Ears Professor E. E. Ees MW 1:00-2:15

This course is intended for astronomy students who want to dunk on their peers by talking about much math they have to do for their major. Need to remind your humanities major friends that you are smarter than they are at least once an hour? This is the class for you. Want to learn about the complex mathematics that dictates the movements of and relationships among in our universe? Keep moving, Kevin, that’s not the fucking point.

ASTR 143: Scared-of-Math Astronomy Professor Ben Dere MW 2:30-3:45 This class is just about rocks, but we’re going to call it “Planetary Science” so it sounds really important. Tell your relatives that you are most definitely not wasting your time and their money in college because you’re off getting your degree in the most useful-sounding science of them all. May not be taken for credit after ASTR 386.

A survey of the three areas of study in the EE&E major— Economics, the movement and transfer of wealth in society; Ergonomics, the application of physical factors to engineering and design processes to maximize efficiency; and Ears, two appendages attached to the side of the human head. Throughout the course, students will complete a project that explores the intersection between these ever-so-important disciplines. Required for prospective EE&E majors.

ENGL 123: How to Read Professor I.L. Litterasee TTh 2:30-3:45 If you’re reading this, this class is not for you.

L MP RMQ H LP Q P L RKMQ

HIST 123J: History of Britney Spears, 2007-2007 Professor B.B. Wunmortyme T 3:30-5:20

MATH 305: The Number 305 Professor Pitbull M 9:25-11:15

An in-depth analysis of pop icon Britney Spears’ highly publicized breakdown period. Topics include Britney’s divorce, her umbrella incident, and a close reading of her album Blackout. Students will be immersed in the era through mandatory head shaving during the first meeting.

In 1783, Euler wrestled with the gap between 304 and 306. Centuries later, we have found the solution— 305. In this class, we will be studying the number 305 in both its abstract meaning and possible applications.

Incoming students should be comfortable writing times tables and counting to 1,000.

HIST 159: History for Recovering Hamilfans Professor Tony A. Wards MW 11:35-12:50

MDVL 029: Sucking Up to Your Dean Dean Olive Demm MW 4:00-5:15

A survey course in early American history for people who love live theater but don’t know how to fact check on their own. A focus on how ugly the Founding Fathers actually were and techniques to avoid singing at the sight of a ten-dollar bill.

This class has nothing to do with your major or anything you are vaguely interested in, but it is being taught by your residential college dean. You know the next four years are going to go a lot better if she knows who you are. Students are expected to memorize her kids’ names, interests, and favorite weekend activities, for extra conversation points during the three minutes before class.

HIST 436: The History of My Brother Being Mean to Me Professor Knott O. Verit TTh 10:30-11:20 This class will be a deep dive into the many ways my shit brother Tyler has tried to make me miserable over the last 54 years. We will cover subjects such as that time Tyler ate my half of the bagel Mom said we were supposed to share, and delve into moments like when he told my high school crush I had ape rabies. Readings will be taken from texts and emails Tyler has sent Yale as well as the back-handed speech he me over the years Blue gave at my wedding.

Book MATH 000: AP Calculus Professor Stan Dardeyzed-Tehst MTWThF 7:30-8:45

PHED 120: Introduction to getting Shredded Professor P. Neintee-Ex MW 8:20-9:10 This class will offer a variety of exercises that will get you Shredded in just a few weeks. We will complete one exercise per week. A final project will involve the application of these exercises to become Shredded. 0.5 Yale College Credits.

PHIL 025: Daily Trolley Problems Professor Shelly Kagan MTWThF 9:00-10:15

Did you love the Trolley Problem lecture at Bulldog Do you miss math classes with lots of pop quizzes on Days? This class offers an opportunity to hear the same material that hasn’t been covered? Do you long for the lecture every single day. Maybe one time you’ll get days of taking four hour exams proctored by your high picked as the volunteer who hypothetically dies! school guidance counselor? This course is designed for students who are still adjusting to the college atmosphere and want to remember why they hated high school so much. Enrollment limited to students who —Staff peaked at 17.

Design by A. Mitchell

16

T he Y ale R ecord

HOMEMADE HAND PUPPETS TO EXPLAIN SYSTEMIC RACISM TO YOUR WHITE ROOMMATE, CODY Well, Cody, I heard about the incident. You got shitfaced at the Welch 10-Pack party and said the n-word during “Gold Digger” by Kanye West. Not just once, but ALL six times. I should’ve seen the warning signs, like when I found a White Student Union flyer on your desk, or when I overheard you say that the dining hall ketchup was “spicier than usual today.” Anyway, I can’t change what happened at that party. What I can do is introduce you to systemic racism using the homemade hand puppets I prepared specifically for this occasion.

Meet Juan, the Brown Paper Puppet. Juan is the first POC (Puppet of Color) I ever made. He may just be a brown paper bag with a pair of googly eyes, but those googly eyes have watched as he and his brown puppet neighbors are exploited by systems of puppet oppression.

Now here’s Officer Tony Puppet, who I’ll be using to explain Stop and Frisk. Notice the twisty pipe cleaner on the back to make a piggy tail. Do you get the metaphor, Cody?

This is White Wanda. She was the easiest to make because she’s just an old white sock. Wanda has a pretty bland personality, but she perks up if you say something like “Reaganomics!” or “Cracker is a racial slur!”

Okay, this last one’s a little more abstract. Can you guess who this puppet might be? That’s right, Cody, it’s the Prison Industrial Complex! I’ll admit this was a little challenging to make. I had to weave together thousands of toilet paper rolls into one big tangled ball. The ball represents the incarcerated population of Puppet America.

Now stop gawking, shut the fuck up, and listen—the show is about to begin.

Oh, what a beautiful day it is in New York City! But oh no, look—Juan the Brown Paper Puppet can’t get a home equity loan! And it looks like all of his brown puppet children will grow up in an underfunded puppet school district, setting them up for a life of disproportionate access to indispensable puppet resources. Cody, can you please stop playing Temple Run? This is important.

Uh oh! Officer Tony Puppet is back. Tony is the eyes and ears of this city, meaning he has access to the street cams in your puppet neighborhood. Notice how Officer Tony Puppet only listens to Wanda and blatantly ignores Juan. “Hey Officer Tony, it’s me, your friend Wanda! Juan the Brown Paper Puppet is playing his brown puppet music so loud that I’m getting noise complaints from the Puppet

Airbnb renters in the sort-of-gentrified part of Avenue Q!” Cody, you should really pay attention. I think this is the part you don’t get.

Alright, Cody, I can see you’re not listening, so now you have to pay the price. The ethnic puppet children have militarized under the leadership of Juan the Brown Paper Puppet and staged a coup in Davenport at 24:00. All legacy students will be taken hostage. Yale has become the headquarters for the POC (Puppet of Color) Uprising. I hope this demonstration has answered your question from last Friday of “What’s even gonna happen if I just say it?”

—L. Garcia

HOW TO LOOK COOL WALKING

BY A TOUR GROUP Wave and smile. Everyone loves a friendly student!

You’ll be the talk of the tour group.

Show your school pride. Rock your Yale apparel as a simple way to show how much you love your college.

And even if you’ve accidentally left your room naked again, all is not lost! You can always break out into the Yale fight song to show your spirit.

Flaunt your education. Around tour groups, you should whip out your pocket-copy of Kafka and start reciting lines from “Metamorphosis” to assert your intellectual dominance. Lines like “My train leaves at five o’clock” (Kafka, 5) will surely impress.

Become one with Marvin Chun. Using your knowledge about butterfly life cycles from Kafka, fuse yourself with Marvin Chun. All the tourists will want to take pictures with you! Instead of a job, this will serve as your stream of revenue. Invest your income into a diverse stock portfolio to mimic the market, and in a few years time, you’ll see returns from the compounded funds. Wait five years, oh look, you and Marvin are now the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Get a Harvard Diploma. Now that you’re a trillionaire, you can afford a Harvard education. Return to Yale with your diploma. You are now the most important and intellectual person on campus. The tour group will follow you around until you die, at which point the next Harvard graduate to walk by the tour group will repeat the cycle. This is the metamorphosis that Kafka envisioned.

Be yourself! Unless you can be Marvin Chun. Then be Marvin Chun. (See step 4) —C. Gainey & E. Qian

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T he Y ale R ecord

18

FIRST-YEAR SHOCKED TO LEARN NO ONE GOES TO THE BEINECKE FOR FUN

By F. GIBSON NEW HAVEN, CT―The Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library has long been one of Yale University’s biggest tourist attractions. Yet despite its reputation, to many Yale students, the Beinecke is just another building they pass every day. But to Bernard Terrell, TD ‘24, this renowned library is so much more.

Upon his first visit to Yale last year on a campus tour, Terrell was immediately moved by the sight of the Beinecke library. “Granite and old books are my two favorite things,” he explained. “As soon as I heard my tour guide brag about the Gutenberg Bible, I knew just how special the Yale experience would be.”

But when Terrell arrived on campus in the fall, he soon learned that none of his classmates shared his passion for perusing the library’s collections. Upon asking his suitemate Jonathan Lopez, TD ‘24, if he wanted to see The Birds of America, the Beinecke’s collection of original James Audubon bird sketches, Terrell was surprised to learn that Jonathan had no interest in visiting the Beinecke in his free time. “I can look through those sketches for hours,” said Bernard.

“I can’t believe Jonathan had never heard of James Audubon, or the Beinecke, or birds, before we met.”

In fact, to Jonathan, Bernard’s obsession seems to be interrupting daily life in their suite. “All he ever does is talk about that fucking library,” Lopez noted.

“Did you know that the Beinecke freezes all its documents at −33 °F? Because for some reason, I now do!”

Amidst concerns about the COVID-19 pandemic, the Beinecke has been closed to visitors, but that hasn’t rocked Bernard’s enthusiasm. “While I’m devastated that the Personal Librarian meet-and-greet is cancelled—I was told I would find love there—at least for now I don’t have to wait in line to see The Birds of America!”

I DID THE SKIT IN THE MYTH OF MISCOMMUNICATION WORKSHOP AND NOW MY PASSION IS ACTING All the world’s a stage, even a required first-year orientation meeting. It was there I played my first iconic role, my big break, the part that jump-started my acting career — Student #2. When that CCE called on me to act out the Myth of Miscommunication scenario, he saw something in me even I had never noticed — raw fucking talent.

I was afraid, at first. My scene partner, Jenny, asked if I wanted to get froyo after we finished hanging up posters for our club. “No,” I blurted, surprising myself. Suddenly, I became intrigued by my character. Why did he, nay, why did I, say no? What painful, childhood trauma do I carry with me, that causes this lack of trust in Student #1? What part of me wanted to join this club, and what club is it? What is my motivation? Where am I from? Who is Student #2? Why is Student #2??

“Are you sure? FroyoWorld is just right around the corner,” she pressed on. Suddenly, I panicked and felt the fluorescent stage lights beating on my back. I began to sweat.

This was the big moment, and if I was going to be something, I had to be perfect.

“No, I can’t. Froyo stresses me out.” The words just fell out of my mouth. It was a strong choice too, one that revealed my character’s PTSD. Perhaps my father, who abandoned my family during the Great War, once owned a froyo shop. I found Student #2’s history inside myself.

The fellow members of my FroCo group told me ‘good job’ as I took my seat again. I could feel the Oscar in my hand. I could see myself among the stars, my name being said with the same reverence as Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Robert Pattinson.

I declared myself a Theater Studies (or should I say, Theatre Studies) major that night. I auditioned for Advanced Acting and every on-campus production the next day. My suitemates awoke each night to the echo of my soliloquies in the hall, for every quality actor must have some Hamlet in their repertoire. What a gift it is that my dorm is just a few hundred yards away from the Yale School of Drama. In the blink of an eye, I will have become the new Meryl.

They say you never forget your first. Your first role, I mean. Still, some part of me yearns to return to my roots and play Student #2 again. I feel my artistic juices flowing. It’s time I write a one-man show so I can revive the part. Better reserve your EventBrite tickets now. I know “A Streetcar Named Froyo” is going to be a hit.

—M. Chandler

T he F irst Y ear I ssue

OH, THE PLACES YOU’VE GONE Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You were in great places, Now you’ve gone away.

You have brains in your head, Or packed cleats and self-doubt, ‘Cause you paid your way here And don’t want to stick out.

You’re on your own! Let me say that again!

You’re on your own. No family or friends.

You’ll look for new friends. You won’t look with care.

To most you’ll say, “I, too, went to prep school there!”

You’ll join some new clubs in the days after move-in, Or—God forbid—Yale’s Political Union.

You’ll major in Econ and try to be rich, Or maybe in English and look like a bitch.

You’ll spend nights alone—of this I am sure.

And you’ll say on those nights, “Is this it? Is there more?”

You’ll think back to high school, when you were on top, And, desperate for love, you’ll fuck a Yale cop.

Now you may feel guilty, but you’ve done no harm, For you finally got YPD to disarm.

You won’t lag behind, you won’t even try weed.

You’ll pass all your classes, you won’t get a B. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best!

‘Cause if you are not, then you’re bad as the rest.

19

A BIRTHDAY NOTE TO MY SUITEMATE WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS SEPTEMBER 1ST Dear Zoe, Happy Birthday girlie! I can’t believe you’re finally 18. We may have only met yesterday, but I already have so many fun memories with you. Remember yesterday when you were moving your stuff in and I was moving my stuff in? That was such a weird coincidence! This morning when I saw you in the bathroom, I noticed that you have shampoo in your shower caddy — o do I! And conditioner too? It’s like we were destined to meet!

I can’t believe how much we have in common, but I also love you despite our differences. Like that argument we had about your pet spider, Ronald. I found him hanging out in the hallway when you let him loose for his walk, and he just wanted to crawl all over me.

When I screamed, you called me an “ugly idiot who is too stuck in her ways to accept Ronald for who he is.”

Even though it’s the first conversation we ever had, I know little feuds like this only bring people closer together, and I’m willing to stick it out through the good and the bad.

Zoe, I love you despite your crazy antics, your incredibly annoying voice, and your stupid rat face. I can already tell we are totally going to grow super close and be best friends forever and ever. Can’t wait to celebrate with you!

Love, Sabrina

— A. Jeddy

So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray, Or even the junior Peter Salovey, You’ve left your great places!

You’ve had your best day.

Yale’s here for you, waiting…

Don’t be scared away!

By Dr. Juice (Check out my new EP, Star-Bellied Sneetches Get Steetches, only on SoundCloud.)

—D. McCowin

—R. Chang

Call us today!

T he F irst Y ear I ssue

THE HIDDEN TALENTS OF YOUR NEW SUITEMATES

Meeting your suitemates can be daunting. As you talk for the first time, you can’t help but wonder — Who are they? What have they done? Will you ever measure up to their high school accomplishments that they will probably never stop mentioning? The answer is no, you absolutely will not. No matter what anyone tells you, you deserve to be here less than them. Just look at what they’ve done: Zach is an expert in the Peruvian tango, released a platinum whistling album, and won the prestigious high school superlative of Most Likely to be a Felon.

He enjoys leading therapeutic rain dances, refurbishing antique chairs free of charge, and performing openheart surgery on terminally ill elephants. And what were you doing? Taking a practice AP Stats exam?

Loser.

Marco’s fruit arrangements have always perplexed international physicists, as his pineapple placement defies all three of Newton’s laws. The natural order of the universe trembles before his omnipotent edible bouquets. The hand-dipped chocolate covered strawberries probably have more talent than you. They look at you in disgust.

When she is not busy meditating, Taylor works tirelessly to expand her record-breaking fidget spinner collection, which she maintains just in case fidget spinners become post-apocalyptic currency after a nuclear fallout. I’m sure you’re not even close to this level of preparation, but then again, you wouldn’t make it nearly as long as her.

I could talk about how Nicki successfully defended the Pentagon from a swarm of venomous snakes, or how Joey demonstrated their rapid IKEA assembly skills on Ellen at the age of seven, or how they all were teen sensations on the Netflix documentary Pathological Liars, but I’ll save you the embarrassment.

It’s time to accept your shortcomings, because if you haven’t changed the world by seventeen, you probably never will.

—Z. Goodman

21

WORDS AND PHRASES YOU CAN MAKE OUT OF ‘PETER SALOVEY’ Loves Yale Parsley Sleepover Oversleep Ovary Pee Overplay Salty pee Savory pee Rat pee Rat perv Pervy Sal Slay, perv!

Ease poverty Save tree Roasty pee

—Staff

­—S. Ruiz

T he Y ale R ecord

22

WHAT I WISH I KNEW DURING MY FIRST YEAR

Don’t be afraid to try new things. The most important parts of your Yale career are going to be all the new experiences you have. So, if your friend asks you to come to an Oktoberfest party with them, don’t say no!

Make new friends. You never know who you might click with, so don’t shy away from talking to people! Your new best friend might be a suitemate, or someone in your discussion section, or even a German dude named Gustav who inconspicuously asks you if you want to “try his special bratwurst” and then takes you to a dark alley where his friends Heinrich and Karl-Otto are waiting. Who can say!

Grasp your opportunities. This could be something straight-forward, like developing an app, or something more creative, llike smuggling super-potent MDMA across the border in authentic Bavarian sausage casings — the possibilities are endless!

Acknowledge your mistakes. Even if you’re cautious, you might fall in with the wrong crowd. Not to worry! Simply tell them you’re no longer interested and would prefer to do something else. This could sound something like, “Sorry Herr Krause, I don’t think I can swallow 4 ounces of Sauerkraut doused in Ketamine and go through airport security. I think I want to leave now,” or it could sound completely different — whatever fits the situation!

Learn to run. All things considered, some people might not like it if you go back on an agreement and you might find yourself getting chased by a 6’8’’ Saxon with an eyepatch.

My advice is to practice your cardio. Payne Whitney has a bunch of treadmills, so make use of them!

Learn to fight. A lesson not only for Yale, but also for life, is that no matter how hard you study and train, someone out there might outrun you. In those cases, it is great to have an exit strategy. I like to think of one-eyed Ger-

man giants like sharks — your best bet is to go for the eye(s).

Lay low. It is almost unavoidable that you will end up angering someone at Yale. Maybe you drunkenly kiss your suitemate crush, maybe you permanently blind the leader of the German mafia, who knows. What I do know is that the only remedy for such a situation is time. Avoid your suitemate until they’ve gotten over it, enter the witness protection program and get plastic surgery, whatever works for you!

Start fresh. Maybe Econ just doesn’t feel right and you’d rather major in Econ & Math.

Maybe the humanities aren’t what you expected and you feel more drawn to physics.

Maybe Yale itself is wrong for you and you would rather live out your days on a secluded farm in the middle of Wyoming. That’s the beauty of Yale — it’s never too late to change your mind!

— J. Kilga

GC ad_11x4.25.pdf T he F irst Y ear I ssue

STUDY SHOWS THAT FIRST YEARS ACTIVE IN 2024 FACEBOOK GROUP MORE LIKELY TO GET LAID D. KULMIZEV NEW HAVEN, CT— A recent study from the Yale Department of Sociology showed that students who were more active in their respective class’s Facebook group as a prefrosh were markedly more likely to be “picking up hotties” upon arrival to campus.

The study, based on evidence from the Facebook pages of the classes of 2021, 2022, and 2023, suggests that students whose introductory Facebook post includes mentions of “Model UN,” “The Office,” or “being from New York City” purchased, on average, three times more condoms than students who waited to make friends until move-in day. In addition, the study matched certain types of photos included in these posts, such as a sufficiently large group of friends, a dog, or the student with a large trophy are also correlated with more matches on Tinder.

The study also demonstrated that students who comment one thing they have in common with another student’s post, such as “Northeastern United States squad!” or, “I also watch television!” also have a higher chance of having sex within their first semester at Yale.

“I never knew that finding just one similarity with other desperately lonely prefrosh could make me so popular!” Richard Templeton, ES ‘24, noted.

“Now that everyone knows my favorite hobby is listening to music, I’ve already found so many potential partners for sex, and possibly even marriage.”

Meanwhile, some students who were not as active in the group have expressed regret for their abstinence from participation. “If only I knew that this Facebook group of people I’ve never met would determine my romantic and sexual life for my entire college career,” Laci Ramirez, GH ‘24, remarked, “Maybe I would’ve posted a picture of me at the beach with my high school soccer team. That would’ve made a difference.”

1

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don’t mean to brag, but like Katniss Everdeen, I stand out from the competition. You can clearly see that I’m intelligent and driven from my 1560 and 3.98 unweighted GPA, but of course, every applicant can say that; I’m here to talk about what sets me apart. I am not simply an academic drone—I am incredibly passionate about my highly competitive extracurriculars as well. Throughout high school, I had the privilege of exploring my passion for battle-royale mortal combat with other gifted, motivated teens like myself. The self-actualization I achieved through beheading twelve-year-olds and looting their corpses allowed me to grow into the confident young woman I am today and embrace the prowess that I am ready to bring to the postsecondary arena.

Why Yale, you ask? That’s an easy one. I was immediately drawn to the culture of intellectual curiosity and the plethora of shadowy corners to lay in wait, my face painted to match the stonework, primed to launch my battleaxe into the skulls of unwitting peers.

While touring, I took the opportunity to scope out my competition— not only for admission, but also

for annual fights to the death.The EpiPen per capita ratio of my tour group alone indicates that my “competition” is really nothing of the sort. An open jar of peanut butter eliminates half the group off the bat. As for the rest of them, it was obvious that while these lame nerds studied for the SAT, I studied the blade. Can Model UN Brian negotiate his way out of a net sewn from human ligaments? Can alternative singer-songwriter Carla use her vintage guitar to defend herself as I smash in her spleen with my morning star? They’d be lucky to reach Fallfest. Even standing in the crowd of other “talented” prefrosh, my pheromones quickly established the proper hierarchy. It was awe and respect, not disgust that sent my inferiors running. They know who to fear.

In short, my strategic mind and creative solutions to difficult problems make me a perfect candidate for Yale.

Simply put, I am the best and I have my survival thus far to prove it. If you can’t see that, I will go somewhere that values my ruthlessness—after all, I already have a merit scholarship at Wharton waiting.

—C. Rose Design by A. Mitchell

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